One of my favorite television shows as a kid was H.R. Puffinstuff. I watched it every Saturday morning, right after Sigmond and the Sea Monsters. Given my passionate allegiance to the show, it should come as no shock that I was crushed when Old Buddy Andy, who works as a set dresser on a TV show you definitely watch, advised me that H.R. Puffinstuff was one big veiled drug reference. His evidence:

• H.R. stood for “hand-rolled.” Hand-Rolled Puffinstuff.
• Whenever things got sad and ugly in the land where the characters lived, they blew on their little flute (see: doobie) and everything got happy again.
• The theme song, which contained the unforgettable line, “He can’t do a little and he can’t do enough.”

I have lived with the painful scars of this revelation for almost 15 years. I have sought therapy for it. It saddens me to know that I was living a lie throughout my youth. I am horrified that my fragile, impressionable little brain was so catastrophically tainted by a few stoners with a video camera, some silly costumers and an eighth of the chronic. Look at me! I’m a wreck!

As a result of my ordeal, I have made a concerted effort to ensure that my children are spared from any such mindgames hidden within the new generation of programming.

You already know my stance on Barney, but I have found another problem.

Adorable Daughter With Poopie Diapers and Left-Handed Power-Hitting Son have taken quite a shine to a cartoon character named Dora The Explorer. To the untrained eye, the show looks innocent enough: a little girl and her monkey friend, Boots, travel the world, speaking sporadic Spanish and helping friends they meet along the way. Basic cartoon fare, no?

Sadly, no.

I have studied Dora. I know what makes her tick. And I am here to report that Dora The Explorer is a hopeless hussy. A tramp. A sick, Mary Kay LaTourneau wannabe who prays on young primates and camouflages her promiscuity, bestiality and pedophilia under an animated veil of multicultural glee.

Exhibit A: The Song
No matter what task they undertake during an episode, Dora, Boots and their newly enveloped friends end with the same song:

We did it!
We did it!
We did it!
Hooray!

See? Filth! What the kids buy as a song about accomplishing a task is really a joyous musical celebration of their sexual escapades. These three monosyllabic words – “We did it” – are the words every horny teenager longs to say to his buddies after a date with the prom queen, are they not?

That Dora and her disgusting friends frolic post-coitally like whores is reason enough to yank the show from the air, but there’s more.

Exhibit B: The Boots
Who ever heard of a monkey wearing boots? The kids don’t question it, but it’s apparent to me that this is some kind of fetish. Perhaps they chose this particular deviant sexual behavior because a monkey wearing leather chaps or a strap-on is too hard to animate. And kids can’t pronounce “Xaveria, The Monkey Dominatrix” without spitting Cheerios all over their Garanamals.

Exhibit C: The Yelling
Dora is always shouting at the top of her lungs, kind of like a woman whose brains are being effed out.

Exhibit D: The Backpack
Dora carries with her a magical backpack. It talks. And whenever they need something – a map, a book, a compass – it’s in the backpack. Where there's smoke, there's fire. In other words, there’s no telling what kind of foul sexual toys skanky ass Dora keeps in there. I can't be sure, but I think I saw a quick snipet of some Root Beer flavored edible lube fall out of the backpack in one episode.

I could go on, but the point is made. Dora is this generation’s H.R. Puffinstuff and she should be pulled from the air immediately.

Kids, pass daddy the remote. We’re watching SportsCenter tonight.

Comments

Hi just commenting on your hr puffinstuff and dora the explorer excerpts.
I believe that its the parents and caregivers responsibilty to educate our children on right and wrong , good and bad. We are all exploited by television , in fact, all media. These cartoons have good content if you want it to be there ,you claim you loved it as a child so did my sister and she has good memories of the show not bad or drug induced etc. I do believe that the children get from the program what they like in the program and not what someone hopes it is perceived to be. It is up to us as parents and caregivers to instill morals and lessons learned properly to prevent children from taking the negative out of the programming and making it a reality. I will continue to sing puff the magic dragon and think of it simply as a boy with his smoky dragon . YOu are what you think ! Take care

Okay I know this is old, but I just found your blog.

This really explains the episode I saw where Dora's friends said to Boots, and I quote,

"Whack it, boots!"

"Yeah! Knock the candy out of it!"

It's clear to me now that this was NOT simply about a piñata.

if you have such a problem with fantasy land you should quir watching tv altogether - I watched these same shows as a child and have not been harmed by them-if you go looking for something wrong in anything you're going to find it-just monitor what your children watch and keep it on their age level - if you don't point it out they will never know, just like you didn't until someone told you-and you don't even know if this was the truth or some durange dream world of someone who had smoke on to many doobies

I'm convinced that the Harry Potter series contains references to pot:

"Potter," i.e. a person who does pot, much in the same way a "fucker" is a person who fucks.

"Muggles," check the urban dictionary... it means pot.

Much is made of herbology at Hogwart's.

Magic wands represent hash pipes.

Hmm...this theory is pretty weak. I think I came up with it while I was high. It totally made sense when I first hashed it out.

you are all wankers!

Awesome finally literature to go along with my halloween costume......... DORA the SEXplorer....! Thanks! Would like to know if i could keep a copy of this in my "backpack" while I am out and about this halloween???

This is pure rubbish, H R Puffinstuff is not a drug reference but purely one of the best Saturday morning childrens shows ever made. It was once said of "The Magic Roundabout" the same thing.

I think you are letting your imaginationsrun wild with you and in my opinon advise you to stay of the wacky backy LOL!

I will not say Dora promotes sexual behavior... What I would say is she an annoying little bitch. The constant screaming and her hyperactivity alone annoys the hell out of me. Just like Barney, she deserves to be put against a wall and shot. What does she promotes? To annoy everyone around you and scream at the top of your lungs. She is the poster child for the hyperactive sugar splendor of eating every sugar coated sugar candy out there.

LOL!

HAHAHAHAHAHA!

ROFLTRACTOR!

I can't stop... laughing...

hahahahahahahahah

I am writing an article about this right now. LOL!

You know, I don't think that kids will look at Dora the same way you do.

Does a kindergartener know what a teen says where they get a date?

And mere symbolism isn't that bad...it depends on it's interpreted. An innocet child won't look at Dora's backpack and think "here, I'll bet there's a dildo in there!"

In short...there's better things to do then worry about Dora. Try giving to charity. They need help, no question there.

Actually, Dora's problems start at home. Her big sister is a stripper.... Rosa the Exposer.

I have a picture of her, but I don't know how to upload it here.

I think all you people should do something more with your lives than take drugs and then analyse kids television programs . I ASK THIS WHO HAS THE PROBLEM SMACK HEADS

I am always utterly gobsmacked when people read sarcasm in all seriousness, then make serious, upset comments about them.

I mean...really?

:/

I just found you today from the weblog nominations. You have earned your place, man!

I addressed a Dora issue on my blog regarding the negligence of her parents, but I hadn't looked into the issues as deeply as you. Now it all makes sense!

I'm off to vote for you! You made tears come to my eyes from laughing so hard! Thanks!

Dora the Chola.

Has a nice ring to it, don't you think?

I'm guessing that the sarcasm bypassed most of the commentors. How come these folk were reading your stuff in the first place though... that's the weird bit!

Just found you through the weblog awards. You are very funny. Some people just don't appreciate good sarcasm. Their offended comments are almost as funny.

BTW - I loved HR Puffinstuff too.

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