Dear Dep Maximum Hold,

You know you’ve always been my favorite toiletry. There’s just no way to tell you how much all that we have been through together means to me. But sometimes people and their toiletries grow apart.

What I guess I’m trying to say is this: I think it’s time we both see other products.

Try not to cry, Hair Gel. We’ll always have our happy memories. You’ve ridden shotgun during virtually all of the watershed moments of my life. I applied you liberally the night of my senior prom, although you and I both knew the chances of reaching even first base with Wendy “The Maddog” Maduff that night were negligible at best. You stood by me all throughout the 1980s, supporting me when I alternately tried to style my hair like all of the members of Duran Duran, and that one time when I tried to mimic the radical hairdo of that fancypants singer from Flock of Seagulls. You never laughed. You never judged. You just…I don’t know…held.

And the night I married Hot Wife, you were right there under the stars with me, holding my yarmulke in place like a champ. I’ll never forget that. You weren't my Best Man, but you were definitely my Best Personal Grooming Article.

It feels funny to say this, Gelly, but I’ve found someone else. It’s a pomade. It understands that I’m in my mid-30s now and as my hairline recedes I’m going to need to do more creative things with my hair than just rubbing you through it and walking out the door. I need body. I need spirit. I need people to know that I don’t believe the wet look is still in vogue and that I don’t still harbor some twisted desire to look like Billy Idol.

Of all the breakups I've ever had with toiletries --- spray-on deodorant (not good for the environment), tooth-whitening strips (didn't work), Listerine (tasted like stale pig piss) --- this is by far the hardest on me, Gelly. You've done nothing wrong. We've just grown apart. We're different people now (well, you're not a person, you're an inanimate tube of chemicals and dye, but you know what I mean).

It's me. It's not you. Know that.

I wish you nothing but the best, Hair Gel. Good luck, and thanks for everything.

Love,
Danny