BY REQUEST: My First Sexual Experience
The following is a transcript from my first and only call to a phone sex line. I was 15. As evidenced by what I said to the woman, I had no idea what I was doing.
[Ed. Note: to protect my family from even greater humiliation than I have already caused them in this space, salacious and lascivious terms herein will be replaced with the names of Sesame Street characters.]
Ring-ring. Ring-ring.
“Hi. This is Wanda. Who’s this?”
“Um, hi. My name is, um, Charlie.”
“How you doin’ tonight, Charlie?”
“I’m fine.”
“Good. Good. What would you like to talk about tonight?”
“I don’t know. I’ve never done this before.”
“Oh, really? A virgin, huh? Well, why don’t we start by talking about my big, round Cookie Monsters?”
“OK. That sounds nice.”
“Mmmmm. I’ve got them right here. I’m squeezing them. It feels soooo good.”
“Wow. That’s awesome. [A giggle.]”
“I wish I had your Big Bird right now, Charlie.”
“You do?”
“I do. Tell me about your Big Bird. How big is it?”
“I don’t know. Maybe about 13 or 14 inches.”
“THIRTEEN OR 14 INCHES?! WHO ARE GONNA SNUFFALUFFAGUS WITH A 13-INCH BIG BIRD?! THERE ISN’T AN OSCAR THE GROUCH ON GOD’S GREEN EARTH THAT CAN TAKE A 13-INCH BIG BIRD!”
“Can we not talk about God please, Wanda?”
“SHUT YOUR MOUTH, KID! HOW OLD ARE YOU ANYWAY?”
“I’m 21.”
“TWENTY-ONE, MY ELMO!”
“Besides, what do you care how old I am? As long as I’m paying your $4.99 a minute…”
“I DON’T DO PHONE SEX WITH CHILDREN, CHARLIE. WHY DON’T YOU TAKE YOUR 13-INCH BIG BIRD AND GO PLAY WITH YOUR LEGOS!”
“I’m not a child, Wanda, you Elmohole! I’m 21! And your Oscar The Grouch probably couldn’t handle my Big Bird anyway!”
Click.
I cried myself to sleep that night. And to this day, if I see Big Bird and Oscar The Grouch on the TV screen at the same time, I have to leave the room.
yer a friggin lunatic..........me hasnt laufed this much in soooo long...........thx DGM
Unbelievably FUNNY! VERY well written! GREAT! ;-)
How in the world did I miss this first time around. That is freaking hysterical!!
Did you come?
TOO funny! I laughed so hard that I almost Bert & Ernied in my pants!