There is a knock at the door.

“Who is it?”

“Honey, it’s me. Are you OK?”

“I’m fine.”

“What are you doing?”

“I’m taking a dump.”

“You’ve been in there for a long time. Is everything alright?”

“Everything’s fine dear. Can you just give me a few minutes please?”

“OK. Bye.”

A moment later, there is another knock at the door.

“Who is it?”

“It’s me, daddy.”

“What do you need, bud?”

“Well, I just want to know if you wanted to play with me.”

“Yeah, I do. I really do. Can you just give me a couple of minutes?”

“Why can’t you play now?”

“Because I’m going poo-poo, buddy.”

“OK. Come and find me when you’re done, OK?”

“OK. Bye.”

A few moments later, another knock.

“Who is it?”

“Daddy!”

“What do you need, peanut?”

“Daddy! Barney!”

“Honey, I’ll put Barney on for you in a minute, OK?”

“Noooo! Barney, daddy! Barney!”

“Sweetheart, daddy’s going poo-poo. Can you go ask mommy to help you with the Barney tape?”

“Nooooo! Daddy do it! Barney!”

“Barney’s dead, honey. Daddy killed him with a chainsaw.”

“Waaaaaaaaaaah!”

A minute later, another knock.

“WHO THE FUCK IS IT?!”

“Daniel, did you just tell our daughter that you killed Barney?”

“YES! GO AWAY!”

“Why? Why would you do that to her?”

“BECAUSE, WOMAN! I’M TRYING TO TAKE A SHIT!”

“Lovely. I guess your bowel movement is important enough to scar our daughter for life.”

“IT IS! NOW GO AWAY AND TELL EVERYONE TO STOP BOTHERING ME!”

A minute later, I glance over and find that there is no toilet paper. I holler out for assistance, but no one will come. They don’t want me to yell at them. They’re smart.

A minute later, I realize that I’m going to have to wipe my butt with my underpants.