OK, whoa. Hold the phone. What the fuck was that all about? You turn around for one second and I get all maudlin on your asses, talking about craziness and psychotropic meds and cute little babies sleeping in their mommy’s arms. You don’t come here for that. You come here for frank, honest, death-defyingly graphic discussion of projectile bodily fluids. So sorry. I now return you to your regularly scheduled hijinx and obscenity.

As a token of my genuine remorse for sidetracking us from the matter at hand (namely, colorful stories about gastrointestinal distress), I am prepared to reveal one of my most closely held secrets:

Sometimes I pee sitting down.

I know this is standard operating procedure for you fine ladies out there, but for men it is the excretory equivalent of putting your pants on over your head --- it’s just not the way we do things. God gave us these little hangie-down parts in the front of our bodies so that we could urinate while standing. We have the luxury of being able to scratch our ass and pee simultaneously. So why would someone purposely turn a cold shoulder to that capability?

In my case, it is usually related to a common condition known as “morning dick.” When a man has spent his dozing hours dreaming of his wife, a tarpaulin and an industrial-sized container of Cool Whip, it serves to figure that he will wake up with a kickstand. Generally speaking, he is not at full attention, but his hog is sufficiently alert and unpliable so as to make the simple act of urinating an exercise in futility. Any man who has ever tried to pee standing up with morning dick is in a position to describe one or more of the following scenarios:

1) He peed in his own eye.
2) He peed on his feet.
3) He peed at a sharp 90-degree angle, soaking the toilet paper roll hanging on the wall.
4) His pee shot over the toilet seat, over the tank and on to the framed, black-and-white photo of Paris in the springtime, redefining the French term “Eau de Toilette.”
5) He failed to muster the strength to pee at all (since peeing with even a partial a boner is like trying to shove a jar of Miracle Whip into your asshole).

Therefore, lest he spend his morning sponging his own urine from the walls of his bathroom, sometimes a man’s only recourse is to swallow his pride, sit his freshly rustled ass on the toilet seat (making sure to tuck his Johnson under the seat and aim the business end due south) and pee like a woman.

It is my own contention that the unwillingness of most men to follow this simple strategy is why the floors of most of the men’s rooms in bars and nightclubs are soaked with Coors Light piss. Guys are out there dancing, drinking, rubbing up against pretty women and getting all horny. Then they go in to take a leak, drunk and in ensconced in the male version of estrus, and there pee-pee make a sharp left turn at the urinal and ends up filling in the honeycombed-shaped holes in the rubber mat at their feet.

And why do you think the guys on Happy Days were always telling each other to “sit on it?” Could have been that Potsie and the Fonz were too horny and self-absorbed to take their business into a stall, preferring instead to shower the Arnold’s men’s room in their piss? One has his suspicions.

Comments

I remember when I first moved to Germany. I thought it was the atrocity of all atrocities that, somehow (let's call it evolution), German mothers had persuaded their little boys to ALWAYS pee sitting down (with the exception of a real urinal.) Little boys were always told that it was disrespectful to their mothers to pee whilst standing, because when they would miss the bowl, a phenomenon which is inevitable (let’s just admit it, guys), it was the mother that then had to clean it up. I just couldn’t fathom this for the longest time, convinced that peeing while standing up was one of the few advantages that external genitalia actually has over the fairer-sexes “encapsulated” version. I would never give up my manhood. Never!

And then, in time, I started peeing sitting down.

I think it was the trip back to the States that finally convinced me. Never, in my years of living in Germany, have I seen public toilets as disgusting as those I had to use along highways in the US. If this means that I have to do my part here and sit down while peeing, then, by God, I’ll do it.

You just have no idea how reassuring it is over here, knowing that when you do need to use a public toilet, it will most-likely not make you want to vomit all over yourself.

Believe it or not, this page is currently the top Google hit for the phrase "pee standing down." Now you know!

Er, actually I meant "pee sitting down." So, um, now you know.

Try facing the wall when you sit down. You still feel like you're a tool, but you won't feel like you're a woman.

Ok, I know this post is two years old, but I just found "you" the other day, and I always go back to the beginning of a blog and read forward. I'm anal that way. (So GREAT that this post is about a related matter.)

Anyway, only wanted to say that my 36 year old brother refuses to pee standing up at any time. He started the whole Sitting Thing about six years ago, because he has this theory that the stress on the abdominal (and not so abdominal) muscles when you pee standing up contributes to prostate cancer. My brother is a level headed guy, but for all I know he's a total wingnut on this issue....just felt the deep need to discuss his urinary habits with strangers and let you know that a man who pees sitting down isn;t as unheard of as you may believe...

I just came across your blog when searching for "pee sitting down". Its still highly ranked. I think other than morning wood a man should never under any circumstances sit on the toilet to piss.

I'm 15 years old and um.. my aim sucks ass. I 90% of the time piss sitting down. Everytime I sit the same question rolls through my mind "how many other guys out there do this?" After watching the movie benchwarmmers there is a sceen where peeing sitting down is mentioned and I have always been courious to find out why I do sit. This has been going on for about a year now and I have finally gotten up the courage to check online how weird and abnormal this is. I feel a little bit releaved and glad I finally looked here.