This is my beautiful, precious, adorable daughter, Barney's Biggest Fan:

While Hot Wife was at the gym this morning, I glanced over at Barney's Biggest Fan and witnessed the easily recognizable signs that she was taking a dump.  She was bent slightly forward at the waist, red in the face and grunting sporadically.

I once read in one of those silly parenting manuals that you should avoid making faces that make your child feel ashamed or embarassed about her poop, so I kept my face like this:

When Barney's Biggest Fan finished laying her cable, I hoisted her into my arms and carried her, her stuffed Barney and the stinky passenger in her diaper back to her room. I peeled back the Velcro closures on her Huggies and was immediately horrified:

My daughter's poo-poo knew no bounds. It had squished through the elasticized edges of the diaper, onto her cute, chubby little thighs and her lower extremities and halfway up her back.

She must have seen the terror on my face because she began to speak to her Barney doll.

"Barney, poo-poo," she said. "Poo-poo. Stinky, Barney."

If Barney could speak, he would have called her a disgusting creton with a hyperactive colon. It would have been hard to argue with him.

I pulled some moistened butt-wipes about of the box and began to squeegee the light brown horror from my daughter's cute little tushie. She had her legs in the air and a smile on her gorgeous face. I became distracted by her chronic cuteness -- so distracted that I accidentally got some of her SHIT ON MY HANDS!

I have experienced some disgusting moments in my life. I once interviewed a boxer while he got stitches in his brow after he'd been treated to a merciless beating by Oscar de la Hoya. I witnessed my son's circumcision and held his freshly excised foreskin in my hands. I have eaten escargots. But none of these experiences holds a candle to the trauma of having another human being's excrement on your bare hand.

I began to scream and wail. "It got on me! Get it off! It got on me by accident! Oh Jesus Fucking Christ M.D., get it off!"

I sprinted to the sink, cranked the hot water to "Burn The First Two Layers Of Skin From My Hands" and scrubbed and scrubbed and scrubbed. The shit came off, but I'm typing with my foot right now.

Comments

here's the thing that has impressed me the most: you changed her diaper and freely admitted to doing so without fearing that some aspect of your masculinity had been stripped from you for all eternity.

well done you.

new blog, must add photos. geez, going to town.

how could i forget? she's adorable!!!

Sorry, but Barney's Biggest Fan is simply too cute for me to feel that sorry for you.
Site looks awesome - well done.

Most pictures are worth a thousand words, but I think those are worth millions . . . especially the one of Barney's Biggest Fan.

Awwwww, Barney's Biggest Fan looks like Little Red Riding Hood. How sweet.

:o)

Gorgeous, gorgeous girl!

That kid has got the look it takes to break a daddy down smooth every time she wants something. You are in so much trouble!!!

Are you typing with the foot with the webbed toes?

Barney's Biggest Fan is gorgeous! I agree with Kevin. You are in big trouble mister.

I didn't know Jesus Fucking Christ was a doctor? Hmmm...

She is totally adorable, by the way.

Holy Cow! You have the cutest kid ever! Who knew! Now I can put faces with the names. SO loving the new site, photos add a whole new dimension :D

That daughter is absolutely gorgeous! I too have suffered the child's shit on my own hands...Oh.My.God.
It is awful. And no amount of cuteness can really take away from that. NONE.

I feel your pain.

First, I arrived to see the pic of such a beautiful little angel, then laughed my ass off at the rest. Priceless. Oh shit, my side hurts.

i got a new tattoo today. you got shit on your hands. wow. what a day for the two of us eh?

we totally have the same couch. and from the looks of it, your weak-bladdered dog uses it as a bed just like mine.

BBF is precious! Her poopies can't stink THAT bad!

Barney's Biggest Fan is absolutely adorable.
And you ain't too shabby, yourself.

Poop on the hand? Been there. Scrubbed that.

I wish I didn't know what you looked like. Please poke out my eyes.

I just had one of those experiences babysitting my girlfriend's baby! EWWW YUCK and I got some on my hand too... Your daughter is so adorable...

Oh my gosh, I just stumbled across your blog, and I'm sitting here laughing my head off. Finally, something to perk up my afternoon. Thank you for keeping me awake. I've had the poopy hand experience, and really nothing can can compare!

You have such cute children.

Oh my gosh, I just stumbled across your blog, and I'm sitting here laughing my head off. Finally, something to perk up my afternoon. Thank you for keeping me awake. I've had the poopy hand experience, and really nothing can can compare!

You have such cute children.

Don't lie to us, I bet she poops marshmallows. How could something that pretty make such a disgusting mess?

Yer little girl is just like her daddy huh??? Yer givin me a stomach from laufhin.....thx....