I have written before about my belief that Dora The Explorer is a two-bit hussy whose videos are chock full of poorly veiled references to bestiality, exhibitionism and other extremely questionable sexual perversions. Well, my friends, I can now report to you unequivocally that Dora is, in fact, a sick little cock-hungry bitch with no morals and absolutely no business teaching Spanish to America’s youth because for all we know our kids may be learning to negotiate for cheap BJs with roadside Tijuana whores. “Cuanto cuesta el Dirty Sanchez, Rosita?”

When we were in New York with Gary The Amish-Chaser and his wife, The Greatest American Hero, we tooled around in a rented SUV with a DVD player inside (see: big pimpin’). To entertain the kids as we rolled down to the Super Wal-Mart in Watkins Glen for another sixer of green apple wine coolers, we’d pop in a Dora video called “Super Babies.” My daughter seemed to like it, so last night when I was at the video store renting porn for the weekend, I rented Super Babies for her. We watched it tonight and I saw things that made my webbed toes curl up like snail shells.

I’ll start with the most egregious highlight: throughout the episode, Dora and her little traveling band of perverts – which includes HER COUSIN – are traveling toward (I swear on my left nut that I’m not making this up) something called THE GOOEY GEYSER. Geysers are many things, y’all, but they are not gooey. You’re a smart bunch of readers and I genuinely don’t think I need to spell out for you what I think the gooey geyser is an analogy for, but for the benefit of Wondersis, who is by no means the sharpest tool in the shed, I’ll say this: remember that magazine mom found under my mattress when I was 17? That. That’s a gooey geyser.

On their trip to the gooey geyser, Dora and her friends must take an inflatable raft over a body of water. While instructing them to inflate the raft, Dora says this: "Take a deep breath and blow, blow, blow, BLOW!" No explanation needed.

In the second episode on the DVD, Dora’s arch nemesis, Swiper The Fox, is wearing what can only be described as a pimp hat: a fedora with a yellow feather sticking out of it. The only thing that would make him look more like a pimp is a Cadillac, although I don’t believe foxes can drive (except for you, Hot Wife. Rrrrrowwwr.). The M.O. of Swiper The Fox is to take things from Dora (e.g., her virginity) that she must then spend the remainder of the episode recovering. If Dora and her traveling gang of pervs spot Swiper before he strikes, they say this: “Swiper, no swiping!” In the episode where he’s dressed as a pimp, they say, “Yo, Swiper. What’s crack-a-lackin’? Keep your paws off my shit, yo.”

In the Super Babies video, Swiper steals the banana baby food from Dora’s baby brother and sister. Something about the color and consistency of banana baby food strikes me as perverse.

Comments

Goddamnit, you just made me spit ginger ale out my nose. The shit burns.

You were on a roll but it felt like you had more to say. Next time try not to get so hot and horny while writing your rant so that you can finish before you go off to find How Wife.

Damn it...that should have read Hot Wife. I know, I should not be PUIing.

you should become personal writer for Pat Robertson. You're insightfulness on the insidiousness of dora would be a welcome change on CBN. Keep up the good work.

I'm interested to see what you have to say about Dora's cousin Diego's new show on Nick Jr. where he's an "animal rescuer".

Sheesh is nothing sacred??? Dora is my 5 year old (and my) best friend - keeps her glued to the box for hours on end, singing all those songs so I can do useful stuff ........ like read your blog!!! DDDD....Dora

I always knew there was something about that little slut... now you have comfirmed it. Good work! haha

Everytime that comes on about the gooey geyser, i just nod and think to myself, she's lookin for some goo. You've confirmed that I'm not alone.

goo? magazine? shed? huh?

At work, with 3 kids with learning disabilities, I just spent an ENTIRE afternoon/ evening beig forced to recite and DANCE TO 'Barney's season-fun songs' video, over and over and over...

This was only marginally better than being thrashed at the PS2 game 'Pop Idol' yesterday.

please, shoot me now.

My husband and I saw Dora and her gang at the "Goat Hill Tavern" in Costa Mesa on Halloween last year. They walked in and we screamed, "HOLA!" and no one at our table knew who she was! Great costume, she even had a map!

OK, that thought aside - Damn you, leave Dora alone, have you no shame?

Are you sure you weren't watching "Dora, the ANAL explorer" from the adult section of your video store?

My husband thinks Oswald (also of Nick Jr/Noggin) has all sorts of sexual inuendo. Especially the episode about "Big Banana Day." At one point Oswald tells Weenie (his dog), "Whew Weenie, I sure am tired from sharing the big banana with everyone." Another time someone compliments his big banana and Oswald responds, "Thanks. I grew it myself!"

Y'all be the judge! ;)

Oh shit, I just woke my 2-year-old Dora fan up with my laughter. How am I going to explain this one?

I have never, ever thought of her as a whore...until now. What sucks is that Pebbles just got all sorts of cute shirts handed-down to her and yup, you guessed it, most of them have Dora on them. Lovely.

I haven't seen this movie, but I've seen the Gooey Geyser on a regular show. It's bad enough that you can encounter it by paying for the theater or rental, but to have that crap on regular cable is just wrong.

As a childless person, I have no idea who Dora the Explorer is, but I think I might have known her in college.

dora is lovely. stop being mean to dora. you big meanie. pttthhhhhht.

I think that all creators of child entertainment are in on this subtle (or sometimes not so) hints in reference to sex.

I mean, shit.

Listen to the song that your beloved Barney sings. "I love you, you love me."

And singing that with a bunch of kids? Looks to me like we found the source of Michael Jackson's problems.

Bob and Wendy get it on, with spud.

It's Barney that disturbs me. Those over-sincere, cuter-than-cute, sycophantic, talentless little shites dancing round a 6 foot tall talking penis.

How did that get past the censors?

Oh, I meant to say: Barney doesn't disturb me half as much as that picture of you in that swimwear (is is you, right?). How did you stop your bits from spilling out either side?

On second thoughts, don't answer that last question.

My daughter watches Dora, but I may have to put a stop to that NOW! :)

Thank God my daughter was out of the Nickelodeon age by the time slutty Dora came along! Though I did have to deal with Barney. That was bad enough!

Paula's right about Oswald, but Dora es una muchacha católica agradable. Ella nunca tocaría a cualquiera chatarra.

Something like that.

I got home from work today after reading you ost. My son wanted to watch his new Dora DVD. I sat with him and just stared at the screen. What have you done. I had to leave when the entire family started to do the "we did it dance." I tink Pat Robertson has just announced that the government should take out Diego. Go Pat.

ok, now I will giggle every time I watch Dora. The teletubbies were bad enough, with all their "tubby custard" and flitting around, and "naughty noo noo"

I'm with you, Ms-Chievous - my husband and I chuckle whenever Bob introduces Wendy, his "business partner." Uh-huh.

ed, edd, and eddy is sexual also. in one episode, one of the ed's sisters is sick, and jimmy, the kid with the faggy sounding fake voice, is the pillow 'fluffer' only they never mention pillows.

i quote

'dont fluff that, im the fluffer! i do all the fluffinf!'

ummm.....im horney for dora

AHHHHHH! WHAT DID U DO? there was me loving dora, except the really over repeatedness of it all and the map does my tits in, but i though oh good, it'll teach them spanish! yay! a multi-lingual 5 yr old i shall have!
but noooooooo. not any more. dora the slutty explorer will haunt me.
i hope your proud! :P

you ARE being taken serious on 4chan, did you know that? Are you satisfied now???

http://cgi.4chan.org/co/res/412292.html

hahaha, funny stuff.

Yeah, adults can find sexual innuendo in anything can't they?

OMG that was some funny shit. Now hows about you talk about Spongebob. There is a cartoon packed with swearing, fighting, homosexuality and it;s for kids!!!!

YOU ARE A STOOPID PERVERT!!!!!
yes, i know that all have a extrain sense to all the adult men. Butt Dora is only a stupid program of TV for KIDS, YOU HAVE A MENTAL PROBLEM SICK PEDOPHILE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

i agree.. this article tells me more about the author than dora the explorer. total plonker/ pedophile.. its true childrens cartoons have rightfully been accused of subliminal sexual messages.. i give you the Lion King. but then disney are evil bastards, thats a given. dora the explorer is no more than an educational childrens tv show. please keep your perverted ideas to yourself.

yeah theres something you will never notice good work but i felt like there was more!!

you are a fucking sick bastard, you can not think about anything else but sex.

I just saw Oswald's Big Banana episode. WTF??? Seriously, the dialog is straight out of old fashioned porn.

"Thanks for sharing your big banana!"
"I'm tired from sharing my big banana all day."

I'm amused.

Go Fvck Yourself with a dildo from your local porn shop.

i agree with you about Dora but then again you stated that you went into a porn video store before renting the stupid Dora DVD. Oh yes and i did see the Oswald "Big Banana Day" episode today. i laughed my ass off at that and your hilarious blog. But seriously stop commenting on these little kid shows. The kids won't think sexual unless you or any other person tells them this stuff. Anything can be sexual if you think about it especially Barbie, Spongebob, swim noodles or any other object/tv show a kid can get there hands on.

He is correct in saying that the gooey geyser episode is perverted. My daughter loves watching Dora. One day I was watching and Dora was searching for the "gooey geyser." When she finds it she tells her gang that the gooey geyser goes "kersploog!" Suddenly all of this white creamy stuff spews out the top of the "gooey geyser." Someone at Nickolodeon is seriously wrong.

I know this is an old post that I'm replying to, but after paging through the comments that it attracted I felt the need to pipe up my support. I have a 5yo, a 3yo and a 9mo, so I get my fair share of childrens' programing in my house. Dora is high up on my list of Shows They Will Never Watch, along with Barney (gives me nightmares), Diego (obnoxious), Yo Gabba Gabba (seriously?), Teletubbies (sex-ed for babies, yay!), and Super Why! (fractured fairy tales, and not in a good way). I despise the degradation of literature, which seems to be popular in kids' shows today, but mostly the shows are just obnoxious and anything that teaches children to leap around like idiots in the house while screaming repetitively at the top of their lungs is not a show for my children.

omg i was drinking milk and now i'm cleaning it off my laptop screen. best damn rant ever.

hold up wait a minute...what about the other kid show nehow kyland not sure how to spell but i turn my head to see who they are talking to everytime they say here comes HO HO and i'm like who are they calling a ho....

oh and i forgot what about that dumb song "when somethings pretty scary...dont try it all at once...try it little...by little...by little... reminds me of my first sexual experience.

Good observations! There is another episode where Benny the Bull is up in a hot air balloon yelling to Dora. He is yelling "sticky tape" to patch the hole but if you listen to it, it sounds like he's yelling "stinky taint!"

You are a disgusting moron. The simple fact that CPS has not yet come to take your children out of your sick, disgusting, and perverted hands shocks me. The thought of you coming up with these disgusting conspiracies only speaks of your own perversion. I feel so sorry for your children, and I hope that you only take your perversion out on your blog, and not them. Grow up. You must be a right wing evangelist... you all and your conspiracies. Have you nothing better to do like work for a living? Just a thought...

I babysit my boyfriends younger sister (age two) on a daily basis while he's in school and no one else is home to watch her. I find it very strange that you focus so hard on these shows to actually FIND things like this. I personally hate all the shows really, and don't pay THAT much attention to all that. Children are children. They won't be focusing on the supposedly "hidden" sexual references that adults do. They'll be focused on the songs, the dancing, the little things that children pay attention to while also learning other languages and counting,ect. Dora is an educational children's show, and despite your opinion of it, it does in fact teach them no matter what it's purpose might be. I'm actually babysitting her right now, and she's watching Kai-lan...by far more annoying than Dora. If you have all the time in the world to down on children's shows and blog about them, I suppose you're a broke bum living on the internet??? Get a life.

http://failblog.org/2008/07/21/dora-the-explorer-fail/

This is absolutely disgusting! It is amazing how people can over analyze everything just so they can have an article to write. I think the problem isn't with Dora the explorer, that has not only taught my daughter many diverse things, from Spanish to counting and colors etc. There lies a deeper much more sick problem with you SIR! There is something wrong with anyone who looks at a children's show as something perverted and sexual. I think you should be writing to a Phyciatrist not an article on your sexual fantasies, maybe you should stop doing research on the show, and do some research on why maybe you think this way. YUCK!!! Pervert!!!!! And shame on all of you who agreed!

My daughter just got into watching "Dora: The Retarded Explorer". I swaer to God (I'm actually an athiest but...) this is the worst fucking show to ever be put on television. In fact, I'm going to block her spic ways of dumbing down American children by putting a parental block on the shitty show. BTW. FUCK YOU ABBY, Mike, MT, D, and any other lover of demoralizing American youth.

Yyooooooooo lol was eatin now I'm cleanin it up cvs ur all perverts it's not porn only someone perverted would notice the sticky tApe thing u pervs get a life and stop. Crying over it u fucking retard

i agree with everyone i read all the comments and i believe disney nickelodeon and cartoon network are pervs but stop worrying about it seriously the kids wont even know and probably wont ever know but yes good job on post

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