Not long after Hot Wife and I got married, I grew a goatee. It was patchy and sporadic and it looked more like a tragic hairy fungus that had conquered my chin and lip than an intentional attempt to look like a mountain man. If I ever grow that thing again, I should be forced to surrender custody of my face to Facial Protective Services.

Back when I had this goatee, in a feeble attempt to keep it orderly, I bought a small mustache and beard trimmer called The Maverick. It was about the size and girth of a dildo (we strive for accuracy here at Dad Gone Mad, even if it means using the word “dildo,” which happens to be an exceptionally fun word to say. Say it with me. Dildo. Everybody! DILDO!) and once every other week I’d drag The Maverick over my goatee, making it a little less unruly, although still totally unattractive.

When I finally came to my senses and rid myself of the goatee, I had to find another use for The Maverick.

So I started trimming my pubes with it.

(Hi, mom.)

Let’s be brutally honest with each other, folks. I’m married. Married people screw (when there’s nothing good on TV). On occasion, when I’ve gotten a big raise or done the dishes without being asked, part of that screwing involves people putting their faces down, you know, where angels dare not go. I find it to be nothing more than common cunnalingus courtesy to drag The Maverick around down there and tidy up the place a bit, lest someone or something become entangled or stop what they’re doing to extract a curly little pest from her mouth. I like to think of it as the bodily version of vacuuming before company comes over to the house.

So for the last seven or eight years, The Maverick has been my own personal crotch barber (Hey! I even have my own barber pole!). The Maverick knows parts of me no one else knows.

Here’s where the story gets interesting.

When I got home from work last night, the kids rushed to the door to hug me and collect their kisses. I noticed immediately that my son looked different. At some point since I’d left for the office that morning, someone had attempted to give him a “step cut,” whereupon the hair on the lower portion of his head is shorter than that on the top. Picture a Tootsie Roll Pop with the bottom half missing.

“What happened to your head?” I asked him.

“Mommy tried to cut my hair but it didn’t turn out right,” he said, pouting.

“What did she cut it with? A butter knife?”

“No, silly,” he said. “With this!” At which point my son – my precious, innocent little boy who I love more than breath – held up The Maverick.

My wife cut my son’s hair with the same instrument I have been dragging across my balls for eight years.

I wheeled around and fired Blue Steel at Hot Wife.

“Are you crazy?” I barked at her.

“What? What’s wrong?” she said, faking total ignorance.

“What’s wrong?! The boy looks like he’s been mauled in a tragic weed whacker accident. And you used The Maverick! ON HIS HEAD!”

“Oh, big whup,” she said. “I washed it first.”

“Honey. Sweetie. Love of my life. You could wash that fucking thing in 200-degree water and hydrochloric acid for 10 years and that still wouldn’t take away the fact that I have been using it on MY SACK – and once, when I was super drunk, on my butt hair – for YEARS! Don’t you find that disgusting?”

“No more disgusting than that ugly-ass goatee you used to use it on

Comments

So considerate of you to keep things neat & tidy. It really is distracting to have to "stop what (I'm) doing to extract a curly little pest from (my) mouth." :p

THANK GOD IT'S FRIDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This is without a doubt the best blog entry on earth. That is the funniest thing I have read in a VERY long time. You rock so hard for this.

Oh my goodness! Way to much information about you and my sister!

I love me some manscaping!

Wow, you get special lip service for doing the dishes? You are one luck man, DGM. As far as I'm concerned, the only occasions deserving of mouth-to-balls action is either a) your birthday or b) after you've given me something diamond encrusted. Otherwise, tough titty.

Way to go, Hot Wife, for going above and beyond and making the rest of woman-kind look like a bunch of blue haired prudes.

Too, too, TOO FUNNY! But how sweet that you "trim." I say again, if Hot Wife ever gives you the boot, consider emigrating to Canada.

DGM...you've got to explain the whole pube shaving thing to me. Unless your balls look like Buckwheat's head, I just don't get it. Is it really for the missus? One guy told me he does it because it makes his dick look bigger. Another buddy said it keeps his balls cooler.

What's the story, morning glory?

Honey, I think this is great! You invented a new genre - comedy erotica or erotica comedy (you pick). I think it's your niche and I bet there is a huge market for this out there. Yeah?

closet metro?

And, just why are you not shaving that thing and doing the dishes every day?

Some days I lament working from home. No benefits and no friends nearby. Just me and my computer. But today I would surely have been fired for the uproareous laughter that has come from my mouth whil reading this blog entry. My sides hurt from laughing. I can just picture this scenario which is not necessarily a good thing. Keep it up, DGM, or, at least, keep it trimmed.

Um Dawn, you can forget about it. He's all mine and I'm all his forever and ever.

I'm having the old sniperoo here in a couple weeks, I could use a maverick myself. And no I dont want to borrow yours thanks!

Don't worry hottie wife, from what I read in this post he ain't going anywhere!

Hilarious, once again.

The linguist in me is coming out to nitpick something, though, that I noticed in another entry. Cunnilingus is eating pussy, fellatio is sucking dick. So if Hot Wife is performing cunnilingus on you AND you're shaving your balls... Well, you've been keeping your hermaphroditism a secret!

bodily version of vacuuming before company comes over to the house

Priceless, just priceless!!!

AT least you didn't go to get waxed and have YOUR LIP RIPPED OPEN. Not that it ever happened to me, but if it did, I wouldn't be talking about the lips on my face.

Erin, way to pay attention to detail. That would be an interesting twist, though.

Lalalalalalalala, hearing nothing here...

Hot Wife, you'd have to start your own blog about being married to a hermaphrodite.

That *has* to be the funniest thing I've ever read. What a way to get started on the weekend, lol.

It adds insult to injury that the boy's hair didn't look too good.

Lesson Learned: The Maverick's master is DGM.

That's the first time a blog has made me laugh to the point of crying. Thanks for popping my cherry!

"I noticed immediately that my son looked different."

I was already laughing my ass off.

Appropriate reading in your office cubicle does not this blog make. Also, it has apparently turned me into Yoda.

Classic.

I'm SO confused right now. I'm reeling with mixed emotions - mostly shock & horror.

The thought that I may one day see you again in person and have this information (images) running through my mind while I politely smile and pretend I've forgotten. Also, I was reminded by the (Hi Mom!) that your darling mother reads this (she's brave) and I always swear when I comment and I care for her sweet, innocent grand-baby so she must think I'm a pig. (I NEVER swear around the children, I promise).

On a positive note, I'm glad to know that there are some men who groom 'down there'. Hot Wife must appreciate the courtesy.

Now I'm going to go throw up...

OH so horrifying, yet hilarious, of course.

speechless.

Oh Dear, I think I've gone and peed myself! Too funny!!!

Finally looked at your photo stream.. you have a BEAUTIFUL family!

Best

Julie

Everytime I've tried to use a hair trimmer down there, I get the little folds of skin caught in it and it makes a bloody mess. So now I use a Mach 3 Turbo. The first time there were a few cuts but now I can shave it like nobody's business. I only use a trimmer on the surrounding area so as to lessen the length.

And metro, all three reasons are accurate, My balls are cooler and not so sweaty in the summer, my dick looks longer (though it doesn't help the wrinkliness of my ballsack one bit), and I get head a WHOLE LOT more often when I am keeping it shaved then when I'm not. So if you like having your partner's head between your legs, I'd strongly recommend trying it. Hell the first time I did it was for a Vasactomy. My friendly nurse looked after me very very kindly while it was still shaved, so I kept it that way.

Your blog is the highlight of my day, I'm serious. I can't read it at school because my students would think I was having a seizure and call 911 and I wouldn't be able to correct them because I'd be laughing so hard I'd be incoherent all the way to the hospital, where they'd ask me for my personal information and I wouldn't be able to tell them because I'd still be laughing so hard. . . .

Well, you get the picture.

I mean it. You are SO COOL!

So, does this mean I should tell my husband I've been using his electric shaver for the past 12 years for my "trimming?" :\

Dildo. It is fun to say.

P.S. This is the second time I have shot soda out my nose reading your site.

Yep, we have the 'communal trimmer' as well. Too funny. Thanks for a great laugh.

This post is the cooch.

(Cooch = Best)

Apparently, this is quite common, as this is the second time I've heard this story in a couple of months.

First time I've read your blog, DGM, courtesy of Bossy Little Dog's link to you...when I got to the love moniker, 'Hot Wife' I began to grin...then snort, escalating to chortle, roar, gasp and basically scaring hell out of the cat and the neighbors. I believe their three dogs are STILL barking. You both so totally rock.
and long may your Maverick-s wave!

I was going to create the typo for you but it seems Erin already got to it. I sat here thinking, "Isn't it fellatio? I could swear it's fellatio." Just remember it's done to a "fella." Loved the post!

Gak! Kidding! Oh, so kidding! I realize he'll never be fired. But cloned...perhaps cloned...

Oh DGM, you're so smooth, the way you wax pubetic about your Mavrick.

Mr. Evans, you've done it again! I can't believe how funny this is. I laughed so hard at work, that I got almost everyone to log on. I can't help it that they're lurking, but I think this entry got them hooked!

You're the best!!
Natsu

My step mother recently gave my husband an electric razor. Mr Me does not use an electric razor on his face for fear of ingrown hairs so I convinced him he could use the razor to...uh...'vaccum before company comes over'. I don't know about his personal comfort after the cleaning of the under brush but I do know that it revealed the hidden half inch. Personally I am impressed with the improvement, as I am sure Hotwife was at the first brandishing of the Maverik.

I cant stop laughing!

That is some funny stuff! I am going to forward this link to my hubby. He really needs some grooming in that area.

You know what this post is missing?

Pictures.

NO PICTURES!!!!!!

ACK!

OMG,too hilarious, and *so* beautifully complemented by your ads.

I can't breathe - omg this is the funniest thing u have EVER written!!! Well at least since I started reading your blog a month or two ago......

I must say that was extrememly funny. An entertaining post that was very well written. Bravo. And the Google Ads that are up are quite funny now too.

Great blog... found it a week ago or so.. Hilarious! This post had me laughing my ass off.

Um....what happened to the hooker at the dentist office?