I have an appointment first thing tomorrow morning with the urologist who is going to perform my vasectomy. I have no idea what to expect from our first encounter, although one imagines he will ask me to kindly evacuate my pants, he will fondle my junk and I will make some post-visit joke to Hot Wife about feeling so used. I assume we will also coordinate our schedules and determine the exact day and hour when my virility will be euthanized.

Since the conversation about my subjecting my package to this voluntary nadslaughter, I have been canvassing men I know about whether they have had the procedure and, if so, how it went. The majority of these men, each of whom seemed surprisingly unreluctant to discuss the experience of having their packages ripped open, said being vasectomized is really no big deal. A few went back to work the same day. Some were thrilled that a high volume of masturbation is prescribed shortly thereafter.

But last weekend I made the mistake of querying Hot Wife’s older brother, David, who went on to describe a scenario in which his post-op balls swelled up to a circumference approximating Uranus, necessitating the rather embarrassing act of having to carry his scrotum around in a wheelbarrow for three weeks. Some idiots will do anything for the right to drive in the carpool lane, won’t they?

I have also been advised repeatedly that I will have to shave my entire crotch before my vasectomy, which shouldn’t be a problem – although I did here one story about a man whose doctor gave him a videotape detailing how his package area should be shorn. Trouble was the video was shot by the doctor himself as HE SHAVED HIS OWN MANHOOD. So let me just say that if my doctor give me a tape tomorrow containing images of his own unit and undercarriage, I’ll vomit long and loud and colorfully.

I have never subjected myself to voluntary surgery. I had a hernia when I was nine and had four wisdom teeth pulled when I was a teenager. Otherwise, I have managed to stay clear of scalpels and local anesthesia and retrofitted solder irons that sear the ends of semen-delivery vessels like they were chunks of ahi. Naturally, given my lack of experience in all things surgical, I’m a little nervous about my impending sterility.

Is it worth it? Clearly. I’ll gladly go under the knife if it means never again changing a diaper loaded with partially digested black beans or having to eat another bite of strained okra to convince a baby that its actual food or realizing that I have mistakenly poured defrosted breastmilk into my morning bowl of Fiber One.

I admit to you now, however, that I’m having a little bit of performance anxiety. I know myself and I know how shy my junk can be and I know that if it’s cold in that doctor’s office tomorrow morning he’s going to take one look south of my belt and direct me to the OB/GYN down the hall.

Comments

Just remember to go back for your follow-up to make sure everything worked (or stopped working). My girlfriend's father in law didn't, resulting in child #4.

The word vascectomy makes my scrotum tingle nervously. No one is every getting that near my unit with a sharp instrument. No one has ever mentioned the whack-off therapy before. Finally an excuse to do it openly.

I gave my husband 3 concessions: First, I had natural childbirth twice, but I was going to allow his doctor to use anesthesia. Second, although I worked at a medical textbook publishing company and could have easily performed the surgery from one of our "how to" books, I let him go to a urologist. And finally, I would handle every other ejaculation. (I was a little shocked to discover one must "empty the vessel" TWENTY TIMES before getting the "all clear.") And still HE FAINTED at the consultation. (His last words were, "Reality has just set in.") My last words? "Do you know where they cut you for an episiotomy?" Hey, I waited till I got out of the waiting room before I started laughing at him, and still he did not thank me! Good luck, DGM. Do it for Hot Wife.

We've just started the discussions about the snip, and I have similar worries. I let precious few people touch the nether regions of my body, and people with sharp instruments don't count (except for my B&D pals).

There is actually a web site out there where a guy took pictures of his surgery - that was both the most insightful and disturbing site I have ever seen...even moreso than yours.

Good luck with the post-op "rehab" program!

Bwahahaha! You go, DGM. My dad did it, and he got to sit on the couch and watch football with an icepack between his legs for an entire weekend. We were instructed not to bother him other than to bring a beer when he beckoned. Sadly, that was probably the best weekend of his life.

ahhh.. straight folks. Serves you right not letting us marry. :P

No big deal? I don't know. Maybe I have an unhealthy fascination with my johnson. I don't let paper get near it. No way am I going to let anyone with a scalpel get within 10 feet of my boys. Too scary! What if the doctor sneezes during the procedure? Or gets a nervous twitch? Do the benefits of a vasectomy outweigh the potential for disaster? Or am I just overly protective of my penis?

Anyway, sorry to cast doubt. Good luck tomorrow, my friend. The one thing that I know we can all count on is the fact that you'll definitely be blogging about it. Should be a great story. Good luck!

Yeah for Hot Wife!!!

LOL I remember my DH's snip oh too well.
Much too long to put in comments, go check it out at www.combatbitches.blogspot.com

Can't wait to hear how it turns out!!

Bluejinx

Nadslaughter. Funny.

This story made my nuts hurt. And not in a good way. Good luck and Godspeed, DGM.

Wifey scheduled mine for a Friday the 13th! Funny gal. Good news -> I didn't think too much about it. Bad News -> I passed out half way through by thinking about it. Take the valium Bro; it will stop the mind from thinking about it.

Hrumph, this is why we women have the babies! H had the snip ( and he is one of the don't even get your dog done it's not natural brigade) it was fine ( even he said it, didn't hurt me a bit, I offered to stand next to him and hold his hand, take pictures even ) Great bit of advice, buy some Calvin Kleins a size too small, they cradle the boys gently yet securely, stop them jiggling and keep the swelling down, H loved me for buying him his snug Calvins.
As for the shaving bit, H seemed to insist I keep working at it, said 'more soap, more soap' rather more then I thought necessary and tried to tell me I had missed a bit, many times. A year on and we are still ridiculously thrilled at the thought of intimate relations without the risk of babies....if only we weren't so bloody worn out with the brood we had before the snip.

I am no expert on how it feels to have balls ripped open, cauterized and then stapled back shut. But as a spade woman I can tell you this: The day I realized that the playground had been completely childproofed was a great day for the Mister and myself.

And! Have you rented a limo for the ride home? If you are going to be impotent you might as well look impotent.

Sounds painfull. Nads the size of Uranus, you say?

Huh, they are going to put you under for that? My husband was awake and used only a local...

Poor poor Dad. Aw..don't feel bad about having the ol' wang snipped. It's not soo bad. Hubby got his snipped while, me and his best friend waited in the car for him, then went out to Denny's for a post-carnage dinner. New years Eve was the next day and he had no problems. The only thing I have to say is that I would ask about the shearing of the man jungle. My dad, sly creature that he was....told hubby to that he would have to shave and when he went into the office to have the procedure the Doc kind of laughed and asked if he's always this way. Turns out that way back in the day they would have to shave but now a days you don't have to. My poor hubby went in looking like a bald eagle and good ol dad had a good laugh on him. Turns out that dad had played a good one on hubby. The itching of the return hair was worse than the operation. Good luck on this man!

ejaculate your ol wang

How inspiring. Can I shop this around as a first-hand account in the sex-ed circuit in my town?

T."A.P."M.

Memo to all males.

DON'T DO IT!!

I was given the usual line of b/s from GP and Urologist - sore for a couple of days, minor swelling, uncomfortable for a week.
GARBAGE!!!

It's nearly two weeks and I am so sore and swollen I still can't work. Went back to Urologist and GP and its basically "tough nookie old sport". Or to be precise - No Nookie..... ever. I can't imagine ever wanting sex with my "dear" g/f or anyone else. The major damage which has clearly been done precludes that. I will have to go back for a script for Depo provera or whatever else to prevent erections simply because they are so damned painful.

And I never even got a "farewell" boink as a last scene in my sexual career. Shows how loved I am...

If she suggests it, guys, RUN!!! As fast as you can!!

Awesome article! Paints nice pictures – I think I will come here next time, it is really good!