My daughter has entered that delicate, horrifying phase between late toddlerhood and potty training -- a developmental no-man's-land marked rather strikingly by turds in her diaper that are so large and frightening that, well, put it this way: the last time I saw something that big and that brown, it was trolling a brisk mountain stream and plucking live trout from the chilly waters with its ferocious teeth.

These grizzly poop are so un-two-year-old-like that they should rightly be deposited into a toilet or, depending on your opinion of where you live, into a flaming paper sack on your neighbor's doorstep. But since my daughter has not yet found it in her generous heart to learn to go poo-poo in the potty like the rest of civilized world, we have experiences like we had this morning, when I was tasked with getting her dressed to go to Rosh Hashana services and in the process came face to face with my own mortality.

I put Barney's Biggest Fan down on her changing table and began to unsnap the crotch of her pajamas. As I undressed her, we were talking about her preschool teacher, whose actual name is Miss Leslie but because my daughter cannot yet pronounce the "L" sound, the woman is known in our house as Miss Wess-Wee. So as the conversation about Miss Wess-Wee droned on, I began to peel back the Velcro snaps on my daughter's diaper and to my horror revealed a dookie the size of a 2002 Geo Metro.

My reaction was predictably as subtle and composed as a nun fart:

"JESUS, MARY AND VLADIMIR GUERRERO! DON'T LOOK DOWN, SWEETHEART! DO NOT LOOK DOWN! THAT THING LOOKS LIKE OPRAH BEFORE SHE GAVE UP THE TWINKIE-AND-FRITO SANDWICHES!"

After I regained my composure, it took me two quarts of Turtle Wax, a gross of shop towels and my neighbor's F-150 truck to get my daughter cleaned up and her "deposit" out to the trash can. I am now on a mission to ger her potty trained before her next dirty diaper puts all mankind in peril.

Comments

Good luck with that, honey. Let me know when she's pooping in the potty. I won't wait up.

Yeah that's how we ring in the new year here too.

I'm new to your blog but I have a question, a rather delicate one.

Um, do you talk about POOP a lot or is it just my imagination??? hahhaha

She is so using this against you when she hits puberty.

That's why all dads should have to change diapers. It's the reason my son is an only child.

Are you sure it was a 2002?

your daughter and my son both....and they are just so darned PROUD of those horrific turds, I think my boy feels it would be a sin to flush his, he joys in sharing them , he tells me he is going to do it, tells me when he has done it but will he do it in the toilet? Nope, gotta save those trophies for all to see smell and have nightmares about!

oh, dad. i have a 3 year old and a 1 year old and i am crying and laughing at the same time. not laughing so hard that i've produced tears, but actual crying and laughing. thanks.

I don't believe it. she's WAY too cute for that.

So. Damn. Funny. I wish they made some sort of chemical to get the dried shit off of baby's hieneys.

BWAHAHAHAHA!!!!! What happens if her next poop is the size of the F-150?

You're getting off light. Obviously, she doesn't mind hauling it around until you change her. Put her in some real underwear, and let the real fun begin when she has an accident and decides to clean it up herself.

D.

So, did it actually look like Vlad Guerrero? Which reminds me, you are not focusing enough energy on the ANGELS! What's up with that? GO ANGELS!

W O W.

The striking contrast between these last two entries is very shocking.

But then I remembered who the author is, and it all made sense. Only you can combine heart-felt self recognition and horror stories about mounds of shit into one blog, and have it all tie together.

Man, you crack me up and you have such a way with words!
That's the universal sign that they are ready for potty training, the "big baby" turd.

I feel for ya! My 3 year old son was potty trained not too long ago. Thank God!! He is also a kid that's quite proud of his poop. As a matter of fact, he's beginning to make his own poop art. The other day, he pulled me into the bathroom to show me he had pooped a telephone. The poop actually looked like a receiver! I hope that one day he'll be as talented as you! Good luck!!

Finally, more poop talk. It all comes full circle.

Time to invent "Va-poo-rise"

You remind me to thank God EVERY DAY that potty training time has long passed our house. Geez.

My hope is that when my child gets to the age of 10 and is still not potty trained, I'll at least get her to dump the contents of her diaper in the toilet.

And those turds? We have them too. I just can't figure out how it is possible.