One year, when I was old enough to protest but probably too young to be heard, my mother gave out pennies for Halloween (one per kid). Another year, she gave out little boxes of raisins (which I submit is the food equivalent of the penny). After that, all of my friends deserted me and ours became one of the two houses on the block where trick-or-treaters dared not tread on Halloween night (the other being the creepy house down the street with the giant weeping willow out front and the residents who were reputed to have once given out apples with razor blades embedded in them).*

Hard to blame the kids for not wanting to visit the Evans house, seeing as how they never knew from year to year if my mother was going to open the door and say, “Oh, hello, Cinderella. Happy Halloween, G.I. Joe. Would you like a cotton ball or a paper clip or this used band-aid from the time Danny had a blister on his pinkie toe?” It was clearly more fun for them to ring our doorbell, take off running before we could answer, and when they were safely out of sight yell, “BUY SOME REAL CANDY NEXT YEAR, YOU CHEAP-ASS MOTHERFUCKERS!”

Obviously, this scarred me deeply. I resolved during those dreadful, lonely late-October nights that when I grew up and had a house of my own, I wouldn’t give out any such shit. I’d drop some fuckin’ can-DAY, yo! Big-ass bars of sticky, gooey chocolate, jawbreakers, Hot Tamales… the whole megilah. I would single-handedly keep the dentists and Novocain suppliers in the ‘hood smiling. Who can take a sunrise and sprinkle it with dew? I CAN, BEEOTCH!

Then I met my wife and god dammit if that Freud dude wasn’t dead-on about them being like your mother.

It seems Hot Wife and my mother are cut from the same candyphobic cloth. Knowing my penchant for going balls to the wall on Halloween candy, Hot Wife pre-empted me this week and came home with a 200-piece bag of the smallest Snickers, Milky Ways and Twix imaginable, each so small that it would require a pair of tweezers and My First Atomic Microscope to be consumed (and even then the enjoyment factor would be spoiled by the fact that it would take two full bags to cop even the weakest of sugar buzzes). To borrow a phrase from my mother, "I have to live in this town."

When confronted, Hot Wife attempted the most pedestrian of defenses. “Danny. Seriously. By the time these kids get to our house, they will already have gobs and gobs of candy in their trick or treat bags. Do you really expect to give them a full-sized Snickers bar?”

My response to this draws from current events. “Honey. Seriously. If this is the attitude people took in regards to donations to hurricane victims – that everyone else has already done the ‘heavy lifting’ so we only have to give two bucks and a hearty pat on the back – the fine people of the American South would be living in refrigerator boxes and eating potted meat until the end of time.”

Predictably, my protestations fell on deaf ears. The bag of candy kibble stays.

But I have a secret plan.

When the kids come to the front door of Evans World Headquarters dressed as Power Rangers and princesses and axe murderers with blood squirting out of their eyes, I will distract Hot Wife by telling her there is an aerobics class that starts in two minutes. When she bolts for the gym, I will escort the fine children of our neighborhood to our garage, where I have a secret candy closet.

While they stand by, I will disarm the security system and open the secret compartment. There will be blinding light and that high-pitched, angelic “aaaaaaahhhhhh...” And as the children’s mouths water and they begin to cry, I will say, “Go ahead, children. Have an Abba-zaba. You’re home now.”

*It should be noted that when I called my mother to warn her that I would be sullying her reputation with a post about her questionable treat selections and using the word "motherfucker" in reference to our family, she claimed only to have given out pennies when she ran out of candy. If you buy that, you’re dead to me.

Comments

Okay, "I’d drop some fuckin’ can-DAY, yo!" just made me night. So classic, so genius.

You go Evans, the biggr and more sugary the better I say. I hated your house when growing up. Raisins, dum dum suckers, and the cheap ass gum were always left in the pumpkin trick and trick bag for days and ususally ended up in the trash!

I think I egged your house. On more than one ocassion.

I'm 25 years old and have no idea where you live. Yet, you may find me on your doorstep Halloween night. You're never too old for can-DAY.

Pennies? Gah! The old lady down the street gave out cookie mix when she ran out.

DGM, you go with yo' bad self.

Pennies and Raisins, huh?
That’s just about as bad as the trial size toothpaste tubes that the Dentist down the block from me used to hand out. Evil Heartless bastard...

If I type the comment I am thinking of, B'nai B'rith would be all over my ass

It's true, dammit! And the selective memory is just too much, mom. There was no "after we ran out" that year. It was pennies all the way. And raisins! WTF?!

I feel no responsiblity to keep the kids in my neighborhood healthy and cavity free on haloween. No way! And I want my little guy coming home with GOBS of it! That way he won't be able to tell what I swipe from his stash after he goes to sleep. - uh, kidding? -

Kids always remember the houses that have the bad shit as well as the good shit.

Send Hot Wife out trick or treating with the kids and you stay home and pass out candy bars the size of bricks.

Right on! I, too, decided when I was old enough with my OWN home that ours would be the coolest T-o-T stop on the block. Not only do I try to carry the best and MOST candy (not the little bags you get at CVS, but the 10lb jobbers from BJs/Costco/etc), but there's none of this pick one and you can go crap -- I let the kids grab a HANDFUL of candy. The looks on their faces are priceless.

Oh, and the kids in your neighborhood struck it rich with the pennies from your Mom. We had a dude who gave out 1/2 pennies! We nicknamed him ... wait for it ... Mr. Halfpenny.

I agree with you! The way I see it, it's their parents job to keep their teeth clean and healthy, not mine. I usually go through my kids candy bags and throw out the cheap shit. Life is too short to eat cheap candy.

Dad Gone Mad, you know your mother-inlaw who you accused of putting your daughter to bed with a poopy diaper? She buys giant size candy bars for the kids in her neighborhood!

And I thought my grandma was a cheapo for giving out nickels and those rolls of GENERIC lifesavers! Ahhh, but at least it wasn't pencils and religious literature.

I totally agree, DGM. Let them eat the good stuff and leave it to their parents to tell them to brush their teeth. Let the kids be kids, damnit!

I'm sure you can relate to this, then. http://www.ucomics.com/foxtrot/2005/10/30/

I forgot to ask! What are your kids going to be for Halloween? Any chance of you posting pictures of them in their costumes? Pretty please!!

At least it's not Bible tracts and coupons to the Christian bookstore. I used to get a lot of those.

It's not the giving of money that bothers me. It's the denomination. Pennies suck, but give out hundred dollar bills, and you'll be the most popular guy on the block.

You still let your mother vet your posts?

Dude. You don't need the vas.

oh my mom gave out the cheap candy all the time. I hated it, and was totally embarssed. Thankfully my husband had the same embarassment at his house so we both are in agreement that we go for the good stuff. We want the reputation as THE house to go to. Totally relate to your post, and wouldn't blame you a bit if you just happened to swing by the store on your way home tonight and got say a few more things in case you run out!

There are certain holidays where kids (and Dads) should be allowed to be kids. Save the power struggle for something really imporatnt. Or, like what you're doing, do it behind her back.

Hee hee...thanks for the giggles. Good story!

Do kids eat even Abba Zabbas these days? Seems like alot of work.
Funny post as usual. Pennies and raisins. Too funny.

Do kids even eat Abba Zabbas these days? Seems like a lot of work.
Funny post as usual. Pennies and raisins. Too funny.

hehe. I was trying to edit it and screwed up.

two things of note - my dad's newest wife (my stepmom? I forget which one...) - her mother is a candy distributor. she pimps out candy FOR A LIVING. Kids go to my dad's house and get to pick four (4) full-size candy bars or whathaveyou out of a huge basket. Every year there are at least four kids who haven't ever been and run down the street yelling "That guy gives out REAL CANDY!!!"

It's hysterical. I almost feel bad for those parents. Almost.

A completely unrelated note - raisins are actually worse for kids' teeth than candy. the sticky, chewy bits get stuck between their teeth and cause cavities - because what kid do YOU know that flosses and brushes appropriately?

Oh, You can bet that DGM's kids floss and brush appropriately! I'm sure hotwife sees to that. She's got kind of a stick for those kinds of things.... (said in the most loving and respectful sense - I admire that stick).

O.K., chant after me...

FULL-SIZED CHARLESTON CHEWS!
FULL-SIZED CHARLESTON CHEWS!

It makes the little currs chew 'til their jaws ache.

Next year... FULL-SIZED BIT O' HONEYS!

oh god, the bit o'honey makes my head cave in on itself. have you ever chewed something so hard and so long you could FEEL the chewing in your entire skull? I hate that.

You. Need to write. A DAMN BOOK.

When I was six one neighbor was giving out plastic barrettes. I wonder what she gave the boy trick-or-treaters.

And where were all the eleven-year-olds that Halloween? They should've been egging that house.