Ass Burgers Syndrome
Perhaps I’m more jaded than the average bear, but there was another murder-suicide the other day and the report barely phased me. The radio announcer was reciting the usual litany of circumstances – teenage boy, loner, killed two neighbors before he turned the gun on himself – and I was just about to change the station when she said something that rocked me to my core.
“Police said they have no clue as to motive for the killings at this point,” the reporter said, “but they are interested in learning more about the suspect’s recent activity on an internet message board devoted to sufferers of Ass Burgers Syndrome.”
I had never before heard of Ass Burgers Syndrome, but I knew immediately that I have it. I have always believed (and I think anyone who reads this blog on a semi-regular basis will back me up on this) that my colo-rectal activities are unusual. And although I have tried many times to give a proper title to my condition and the tangible evidence thereof, I never knew there was an actual clinical name for it. Now I do.
Glory, thy name is Ass Burgers Syndrome. And what a perfect name it is.
I imagined this poor kid – the kid who killed those people – struggling with the same madness I’ve had to endure: the stomach gurgles and the hot farts and the shits (now known to me as “ass burgers”) so big and painful that you can’t sit down for a week. Although my case of Ass Burgers Syndrome has never brought me to the doorstep of homicidal or suicidal ideation, I felt a strange kinship with this kid. “I’m with you, brother,” I thought to myself, pounding my chest with my right fist and feeling surprisingly emotional. “Rest in peace.”
I felt free. My lactose-intolerance-fueled growlers were no longer shits that evacuated the second floor and necessitate re-plumbing. They were the fruits of my disease. My syndrome. Legitimacy at last.
When I got home, I went online to learn more about Ass Burgers Syndrome.
I really wish those radio announcers would learn to enunciate better.
OMG! I can't stop laughing... still laughing... That was SOOOOOO FUNNY!!! LOL!! Still laughing!! This has to be one of your more hilarious posts... Thanks...I needed that!
OK, I was totally about to reem you a new ass hole (to go with the "ass burger" shit) until you posted the link of what you found on the Internet... so I forgive you, and yes that was totally funny! ;) Sorry...I'm a little sensitive to this subject since I know so many kids with varying degrees of disabilities.
Funny post!
Jesus H. Murphy. I read somewhere that mixed emotions must smell like burnt pudding(or something like that) and I am a big old vat of burnt pudding.
On the one hand: Oh my God! How can he make with the funny on this subject?? On the other hand: Oh my God,that's too fucking funny!!
Luckily I do not believe in Hell (and according to an aunt this makes me a heathen) because after reading this and laughing,I would be afraid I was headed that way.
I began ( as a mother of a child with Aspergers ) thinking..oh dear, this one won't be funny. But it was..hooray. actually real aspergers can be funny too, like when your child looks at an overweight person and says , "hello, you're fat" or points at the lady with blond fluffy hair, walking her blond fluffy haired dog and just howls, stands and points at the woman, then the dog then the woman while belly laughing and yelling " LOOK! MUM! LOOK!" you have to laugh, or you'd cry!
You are too much, brother. Too much!
I think that newscasters pronounce it "ass burgers" on purpose. The INTENTIONALLY make that "p" sound like a "b" because when else will they be allowed to say "ass burgers" on television?
I'm not saying anything. After the flack I have taken for calling the crying goalie a sissy, I'm going to keep my snide remarks to myself.
And it's hard, because this Asperger's thing is re-e-e-ally funny. My mother-in-law works with a lot of kids who are diagnosed this way, and while the disease itself is not a laughing matter, to hear my wife's mom say "ass burgers" is the best kind of medicine.
And if you think news announcers intentionally say it wrong, I want you to walk up to your boss and try to say, "Mr. Cheddarley, I think my kids have been diagnosed with Ass Burgers," and see if you can keep a straight face. If you can, I understand that Dan Rather's seat is still technically vacant.
Thank you, dear sweet Lord, that I do not suffer from Ass Burger Syndrome, nor Asperger's Syndrome. I am thankful to you for letting me be regular and capable of not talking about it in public. Of course I still brag to my friends about being regular, but I know its wrong.
This reminds me of the book Infectious Diseases: Their Evolution and Eradication, edited by a guy named Cockburn. (He'd probably appreciate his name being mispronounced.)
I knew where that one was going...that's hysterical.
LoL...I kind of figured how this would end up...but still, it's quite funny. Ah, Aspergers...it's quite an interesting thing.
ROFLMAO
TTOOO funnyy!!
Thanks for size-able belly laugh!!
Laid bare the soul for all to see
What's going on inside of me~
Tragic, comic, ghastly grand,
Foul or sweet, spastic bland
This little limeric a tale doth tell
A rumbling gut producing smell~
;-D
Here's hoping you find a little relief from those annoying ass bergers ~ you know, if you ate less fast food, you wouldn't have the whole ~ass-burger~ issue ~on so mannny many levels,,lol,lol. :-P
not that I am implying LARGE ass-burger issues, mind you ~ ;-d
Many of the most serious things in life ARE funny if we keep a sense of humor handy.
And this one was pretty darn funny.
(Anybody who doesn't think so is a doo-doo brain.)
My niece has Asperger's Syndrome and EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. I try to tell someone about it, I have to explain that it's not "Ass Burgers".
I think I have Ass BERRY syndrome.
Similar, and yet so different.
And all these years I thought it was called IBS, not ABS!
hot farts. oh man, you rock. haha.
BWAHHHH!!!!
Yeah - My 15-year-old stepson has Aspergers. I just hate telling people his condition. That look. The sniggering. The eye-rolling. But then I get control of myself and explain it to them.
But also considering how he's been stinking up the toilet lately. Ass-Burgers sounds about right too.
Dude, you crack me up. (I said crack.)
How can you guys actually laugh at this.
Having this condition does not mean that you have a great ass. This just pisses me off.
I've had the condition for the longest time for those who are really interested in the codintion go to www.aspergers.com
Last words see you in hell
At first glance, I thought this article was going to piss me off, having aspergers and all. But if this was real life, I'd applaud you.
You see, even though the guy who discovered it was named Hans Asperger, I think they should have called it something else. The name was coined by an old english broad by the name of Lorna Wing who obviously wasn't thinking of the consequences that a simple word could bring in this society. It's like naming your kid Dick or Pussy.
So thanks for pointing out something that I realized since I was little and diagnosed with this disorder, it has a goofy name. And as a result, I haven't informed any of my friends or relatives about it. And I bet if I was able to let them know, it would explain a lot about me, in their head, thus making my life easier.
Just for the record, it's not a disease, it doesn't make you retarded, it doesn't kill you, and it doesn't take away your ability to be independent.
At first glance, I thought this article was going to piss me off, having aspergers and all. But if this was real life, I'd applaud you.
You see, even though the guy who discovered it was named Hans Asperger, I think they should have called it something else. The name was coined by an old english broad by the name of Lorna Wing who obviously wasn't thinking of the consequences that a simple word could bring in this society. It's like naming your kid Dick or Pussy.
So thanks for pointing out something that I realized since I was little and diagnosed with this disorder, it has a goofy name. And as a result, I haven't informed any of my friends or relatives about it. And I bet if I was able to let them know, it would explain a lot about me, in their head, thus making my life easier.
Just for the record, it's not a disease, it doesn't make you retarded, it doesn't kill you, and it doesn't take away your ability to be independent.
hans grueber
Thanks for the laugh. I nearly fell off my chair with every sentance I attempted to read. I'm glad no one walked in here just then.
@ TTL
I've been diagnosed with Aspergers Syndrome as well, but I still find it funny. Learn to laugh at yourself.
Oops, I thought "TTL" posted that, but it was "Cannonite" I was directing my comment at.
absolutely HI-F#$@ING-LARIOUS!!!My gut hurt so much I thought I'd puke.I went online to find facts about autism and it reminded me of Asperger's Syndrome so I thought I'd put in ass burgers and see what came up.Thankfully,this did!Thanks for the laugh.
I've got Asperger's syndrome, and I know someone with it. And someone with AD/HD and someone with Autism, and someone with some anger management problem (well, no one really knows, but that's what it seems like). Actually, I was told that I had ADHD until today. It's my own damn head, how could you not tell me? @#$%s. But anyway. I remember laughing really hard with my best friend (the one with ADHD) about that kid with asperger's (whom we both knew), cause when people said it it sounded like ass burgers. So, you're not the first one to think of this. But it's still funny.
anonymous guy, I tell everyone about everything. lol I'm outspoken. I'ma go to school and people gonna start talking sh!t, and I'ma be like...
"would you like a hamburger?"
"no your f@#.. wait wtf? sure..."
"okay, let me go get it *walks into bathroom*"
"... wtf?"
"well, see, I have to get them in the bathroom cause i only have ass-burgers. see, i'm vegetarian. (I am actually vegetarian)"
"wtf is ass burgers"
"tells him... etc.."
"haha wtf your retarded"
"yeah, but I can kill you"
As another Asperger person, I want you to know I LAUGHED SO HARD I CRIED!!!! Last week I mentioned my A.S. to the guy at the next desk, and he made the same mistake.
For the record, we prefer to be called ASPIES. That lets us open the door to the subject, and then elaborate with its name. Often I'll mention suspected Aspies like Einstein, Thomas Jefferson, John Lennon, Mozart, diagnosed Dan Ackroyd, and some Australian rocker.
I'm emailing this page to my office address, so I can share it. THANKS for the laughs!!