You know that face you make when you’re asleep and someone turns on the lights? Your face scrunches up and your left eye stays closed but your right eye opens to about half-mast. That’s kind of how my life feels today. My whole inner being has the spiritual equivalents of bedhead and morning breath.

This almost certainly has something to do with the fact that my vasectomy is now less than two weeks away. I’m not at all looking forward to my elective sterilization procedure, although I have begun to make some of the necessary preparations. I bought some tight-fitting Under Armor skivvies to keep my post-op junk from swaying to and fro in the breeze (and these undies have the added side benefit of showcasing my cute little ass). And I purchased a bag of frozen peas – NOT TO BE EATEN UNDER ANY IMAGINABLE CIRCUMSTANCES, INCLUDING NEAR STARVATION, A WORLDWIDE PEA SHORTAGE OR A SPONTANEOUS PRE-OP VEGETABLE FEAST WITH MY UROLOGIST (BROUGHT ABOUT BY THE MEDS THEY DOPE ME UP WITH, BE IT NYQUIL OR ABSYNTHE OR WHATEVER SHIT THEY GIVE YOU TO KEEP FROOM ATTACKING THE MAN WHOSE JOB IT IS TO CUT ON YOUR SACK). (WHICH WILL NO DOUBT SHRIVEL UP TO THE SIZE OF A KIDNEY BEAN OUT OF FEAR.)

This morning I reviewed the information documents Dr. Gardenburger gave me (“Your Vasectomy And You: What Could You Possibly Be Thinking, Idiot?”) and was horrified to read that I am not to drink alcohol for 72 hours before the procedure. I don’t know what kind of sick fuck contrived that bullshit rule, but I intend to violate it with extreme malice. What kind of dillweed shows up to have his teste satchel copped on without a healthy buzz? This isn’t China, you know.

In the name of virile, free men everywhere, I hereby declare that on Dec. 1, 2005 we will commence The Vasectomy Testival (like a festival, but with testes). We will gather online and imbibe large quantities of alcohol. Head to Costco and pick up a 36-pack of Coors Light or a four-liter jug of cheap Syrah and tell your kids to hold your calls.

Eat, drink and be merry, for tomorrow we shoot blanks.

Comments

Oooo bad plan. It'll just make any bleeding worse.

testival. You are hilar.

Not recommended unless you wish to bleed out from the balls...ow.

Testivial! That's too funny!

To Hotwife: What exactly did you tell/do to your husband to get him to agree to the vasectomy? I want to bring up the idea to my husband without him freakin' out. :)

Don't forget that it will be about three weeks before you are really shooting blanks. Unless you want a surprise child. In my college sex ed class, there were three guys who had missed that part of the pre-op instructions...

IS the Testival going to be like the 12 days of Christmas? Will there be Ladies Dancing and Maids-a-Milking?

On the first day of Testival my tru love gave to me...a bag of frozen peas.

I'll dance at the testival.

My husband is an Anesthesiologist. We have thousands of dollars of awesome drugs lying around the house.
Drugs that will make you forget that someone is hacking away at your sack.

I could send you some.

Then you could REALLY have a festival/testival.

According to my husband, the dread of it was worse than the actual procedure. He was surprised at how little pain there was. That said, I didn't have the courage to get my tubes tied. One of us had to be the brave one. Think of yourself as the brave one in the relationship.

There are no words of comfort that I can give you. All that comes to mind is, HOLY HELL, I AM SOOOOO GLAD I'M NOT IN YOUR SHOES!!!!!!!!
(And btw there's nothing that says you can't hoard the Jack Daniels right after you get home from your "procedure."
Best of luck.

Dipshit, do you really like bleeding?!?! Alcohol makes you bleed like a stuck pig. The drugs work much better. And I have a friend who had the "snip" procedure and he was back at work in about 5 days. (He is a firefighter and scheduled it so he only had to miss 1 shift.) He swore that it didn't hurt.

I had a C-section for an 8.5 lb. baby, with a tubal ligation thrown in because I WAS THE BRAVE ONE IN THIS HOUSE, GODDAMMIT, and I returned home to a toddler and a helpless husband and a freaking filthy house after four days in the hospital. DGM--if I can vacuum a split level after major abdominal surgery, you can survive this.

Just don't lift the garage door (or Barney's Biggest Fan)anytime soon after the procedure or you will learn firsthand the REAL meaning of blue balls...and black and purple and green and eventually yellow!

You'd think you were giving birth. Have you ever heard of an episiotomy? Well let me tell you getting your nuts cut is nothing compared to that. So whine all you want but you get no sympathy from me. At least when you take a shit afterwards it won't feel like your giving birth to a baby elephant.

Because my husband has access to nuclear weapons, he is only allowed to take certain medications. The clinic offered him a valium before his snip snip. But valium makes him cry, so he took it like a man; completely sober, with his pants around his ankles and his junk in the hands of a woman.

I'm so proud.

Good luck with the BIG V!

I totally sympathize with the need for a nice pre-op buzz , but you will have the worst hangover EVER if you go for a brew or seven before the procedure.

Ask for a VALIUM and take it the night before the surgery (or a few hours before), I guarantee, it'll work like a charm.

Believe me, Valium is the way to go here.

Valium, are you kidding me? Unless you're a total lightweight, Valium will do nothing for you. You need Versed! That's your ticket. You get enough versed, and you won't care how much snipping, clipping or chopping they do. So if you go with the Versed, make sure you trust your surgeon.

Happy Thanksgiving Danny, Hotwife and family. I hope it's a good one.
I think I'll stay away from the peas.

I had a vasectomy last year. My dad and brother both had it done years before, and both had "war stories" about the procedure. Fortunately I had a great Doc and had virtually no pain during, or after, the procedure.

When the Dr. was about to inject the Lidocaine, he announced that I would feel a little prick. I had to tell him that I'd been feeling it for 37 years, and that I was VERY familiar with it.

Afterwards, the peas helped a bit, but I found that if you stuff them in your ass one at a time, eventually your ass will hurt worse than your nads! Whoohoo!!!

The Valium was just the ticket for my husband, but it took a LONG time for him to start shooting blanks. Let's just say that I got so tired of helping him pass his tests that I just left it in his hands, so to speak.

Natsu,
Sorry for not responging sooner. Here's the thing, we mutually agreed that we have a full house. So, the only way to guarantee no surprises is to either a) not have sex or b) have a vasectomy. (I know the pill works great but I want a 100% guarantee) I didn't have to convince him of anything. No bribery. No promises. No expensive gifts. Fortunately, DGM is a reasonable man.

Maybe you should ask DGM his point of view on the matter. Good luck.

- HW

Too funny.

I had mine done a few years ago, and the doc was a real comedian - after the procedure as I am getting up from the table he asked what was I going to do with my new vagina...

In reality, I was so numb that he could have sewed my asshole shut and I would have known the difference. Overall, you will be surprised at how quickly the recovery is... but you might want to skip the bowling league that week.

Best of luck to ya!

I'm throwing one back for ya on the 1st. good luck.

I am goiung under the knife tomarrow so I will be fried on Valium prior to getting there so what ever else they give me will just pile on to a great buzz.