Our story begins (as so many of mine do) with total ineptitude. Although this time it has nothing to do with me. This story is about my son’s soccer team, the Angels

Going into Saturday’s game against the Thunderbirds, the Angels hadn’t scored a goal in a month. Four straight shutouts. Although the boys seemed not to care about the scoring (or lack thereof) as long as there were orange wedges at halftime and SpongeBob gummies after the game, I can assure you that it as pure agony for the parents to sit there Saturday after Saturday watching our spawn flail like live trout on the kitchen tile.

You can no doubt imagine our parental glee when the Angels scored two goals in the first 10 minutes against the Thunderbirds. The sideline was a symphony of mommies and daddies shouting “way to go” and “atta boy” and “kick some pansy Thunderbird ass.” (OK, that last one was me.) (But I only said it twice.)

Yet while we hooted and hollered, a subplot was developing without our knowledge. After each of the Angels’ two goals, the Thunderbirds’ goalie broke down in an inconsolable pile of tears and snot and blue Gatorade. The child wept, which was sad for a moment, and then everyone who saw him was like, “Aw, suck it up you little wuss.”

A few moments later, the Angels had a breakaway and were headed for another goal. The child’s parents began to contort and heave, almost willing the ball into the goal on his behalf. He kicked the ball directly at the net, but just as it was about to cross the goal line, a grown man’s foot stretched out and prevented it from rolling into the net.

What? Huh? The entire sideline became perplexed, believing perhaps that our eyes had deceived us. Maybe the ball was not headed into the net. Maybe it was going to roll way past it and the man who’d stuck his foot out was just preventing it from rolling onto an adjoining field. OK. Whatever. We’ve been wrong before. But that was weird.

When it happened a second time, there was no question: the owner of that psycho foot was preventing our kids from scoring goals.

“What the hell are you doing?” barked Kenny, the Angels’ coach.

“My kid’s crying,” the man said, clearly referring to his son, the Thunderbirds’ goalie.

“That’s HIS problem,” Kenny shouted. “Get out of the way!”

The man kind of giggled, partly embarrassed and partly undermedicated. With some additional coaxing from his kid’s coach and the other parents on his kid’s team, he collected his foot and moped over toward the sideline.

Let this be a lesson to all of us. When you’re a shitty parent in public, everyone notices, no one forgets and some people even tell the whole god-damned internet.

Comments

That's unbelievable. His son is destined to never be able to properly accept failures and set backs and will likely become some snot-nosed middle manager... Congrats to The Champ!

That is unfuckingbelievable. He needs to have that foot smacked with a 2 by 4.

Psha, hetero parents. I'll never understand your kind.

That is brilliant - sounds like some of the schools over here, where competitive sports have been banned to stop the losing kids from feeling like failures....

You gotta feel for the kid tho - not only is he crap in goal, but he has an embarrassing dad too...no doubt he'll end up as a patient of yours in later life...

Perhaps instead of cheating for his kid (and isn't there a ref at these things??) he should teach the little guy to stick his own foot out,thereby stopping the ball from making it into the net.

A radical concept,to be sure;but I think it's reasonable.

Jr wants to play soccer this spring. It is HUGE in my town. If that were to happen here all the rabid soccer moms would devour him.

There's no crying in soccer, either. Wussie.

I'll bet the crying stems from the fact that his father pushes him WAY too hard to be great at soccer, and he was failing in front of him.

I'll further bet that the intention to stop said crying had nothing to do with that father wanting to spare his child any humiliation. No, I'm thinking the *father* was embarrassed by his son.

I can't believe someone did not kill that man! What a assclown!

Parents like that bug the hell out of me. It would do their kid a damn lot of good to get their ass handed to them once in a while. Wake up, stupid dad, you won't be there when he's in college and screws up, let 'em learn young that they need to stand up for themselves.

Hmmm. My daughter's league doesn't even have goalies until they're eight-years-old. They just use small nets.

Seems kind of mean to single a really little kid out like that to play goalie. It would be better just to let the score run up for everyone.

Of course, goalie or no goalie, my daughter has been playing for three years and still hasn't scored a goal. *Sigh* The life of a soccer mom/dad. I know how you feel.

His dad will probably go on to do his homework for him while he goes through school just so he won't get a bad grade. Some people just don't have a fucking clue.

waaaaah! My kid's cryin'!

who's the bigger baby? At least the kid acts his age - approximately.

assclown, indeed.

PS - Go Angels!

I agree with ishouldbeworking. That dad should get off the field and go home to get started on the kid's middle school science project. Then maybe the kid can get a couple hours of Dad-free normalcy under his belt.

WOW.

This is the Father to avoid in a few years. He's likely to take a bat to another child because he's too into the game. Sad.

I'm choosing to believe that this is just a fun little story you've written for our enjoyment. There really aren't people like that out in the world, are there? I bet his name is Dick.

You should stand by this guy at all sporting events and school functions from here on out. Not to stop him, just to observe. He is clearly going to provide us all with a lot of laughs as his kid gets older.

I think all the Angels parents deserve commendation for behaving like adults and not pummeling the idiot!

Weird set of balls on that guy, to do that.

It appears LHPH has inherited his father’s inability to score.

To the commentor above me: That's HARSH!!

DGM, As my soon-to-be 3 year old son would say, "Are you kidding me?" Just makes you wonder how the father grew up.... Maybe he's the one that needs therapy.

You know, we can't have these kids feeling BAD about themselves! Their little self esteems must be stroked at all times so they don't grow up and shoot up their classmates with a sawed off shot gun! I can't believe you have a problem with this!!

Soccer sure seems to bring out the best in some folks, doesn't it? Part of me says, that's sweet someone looking out for their kid like that. But then the rest of me says, "Hello years of therapy to undo that psychological damage."

Look at it this way DGM, you just gained some very valuable insight into your future patients that you would never learn in the classroom.

I can't believe that someone would stoop that low. The kid was crying because he couldn't stop the goals, maybe that will teach him to be a better goalie.

What a load of hooey. If this wasn't about soccer, I'd recommend a good spanking from Acidman on www.gutrumbles.com

Somebody tell that wuss-Dad to put on his big-girl panties and deal with it. And his daughter, too.

What a freakin' jackass.