My company’s Christmas party is at noon this Friday, which is approximately the same hour at which a Jewish man in his late 30s will slice my sack open with a scalpel and render me forever sterile. I find that timing kind of ironic since my junk is likely to look like a candy cane later that afternoon.

As excitement about the party has spread through the office, I have had to break the dreaded news to my coworkers – modifying it somewhat for those I suspect might find a way to the human resources office and twist the simple factual statement – “I’m having a vasectomy” – into some sexually harassing phrase like “Hey, baby, now’s your last chance to see my big kosher hot dog before my operation so let’s go into the supply closet and see what pops up.”

(Don’t laugh. That line got me much love in college.)

(What? What are you laughing at?)

The reactions to my announcement have an interesting gender-specific predictability. The women (particularly those who have had children) say, “Oh, big deal. Try squeezing a nine-pound baby through your cooch and then we’ll talk.”

The boys have one of two responses:

1) A non-verbal communication that merely features the facial expression one might expect from someone who is having wooden stakes driven between his finger and fingernail.

2) “Dude, my brother-in-law had a vasectomy a few years back and he hemorrhaged super bad and his left nut swelled up to the size of a fuckin’ snow globe and they had to chop that motherfucker off and shit. Don’t do it, dude. It ain’t worth it.”

While I am not particularly concerned about any actual complications, I know my body well enough to expect that my penis will shrivel up to the size and girth of a tube of Chap-Stick moments before the procedure, thereby eliminating the need (opportunity?) for a nurse to clearing the interference.

I have also been thinking today that this Friday will mark the third time in my life that I have had a surgical procedure performed on my junk (although this one will not necessitate the presence of a masochistic rabbi nor the recovery of an undescended testicle from somewhere north of my pelvis and south of my uvula).

Comments

You are a very brave cowboy. Just remember that you're doing the right and *manly* thing.

Rock on, brother.

Oh honey, maybe we should forget the whole thing. Maybe I should stay on the pill for the rest of my premenopausal days. NOT!

Actually, I think you are a bigger man than those that won't even discuss the option. I'll be there for you and get the kids out of the house for you.

I hope you're feelin' the love from your family, DGM. You are one of the funniest writers I have ever encountered, but MAN! you are a big baby!
Good luck!

My husband will soon go under the knife as well. After having first a c-section and then a very large episiotomy, I'm just not feelin' the sympathy.

Sorry.

really curious to see how this goes........my husband will be doing the same sometime next year..

Good for you and good luck.

I had mine done about a week and a half ago. I had assumed that the procedure itself would be pain free, but that I'd be in pain, swollen and uncomfortable for the better part of a week after that. It turns out that if you're one of those people who needs a little extra freezing at the dentist, the same goes for when someone's scooping your nuts out with a melon baller. They froze me twice, and I could still feel quite a bit of pain. As I screamed and shook on the table, the nurse gave me a cold washcloth for my face and told me, "It's much easier for the doctor if you stay still."

I should emphasize that I have a history of needing extra pain medication, and that I've never heard of this happening to anyone else.

Now if someone could just prop Danny back up in his chair to read the rest of this, here's the good news: the recovery was a breeze. I took the pain meds that they gave me, although I think I would have been fine without them, and sat on the bag of peas every few hours to keep any swelling down. I should have paid more attention to the instructions about not lifting anything over 5 pounds - I think I added a few days of soreness by trying to lift my 40 pound son.

Another benefit: if you tell your neighbor you just had a vasectomy, but you think you're OK to shovel the snow out of the laneway, you'll get to go back inside and have a hot chocolate while he does it for you (may not work depending on your particular climate).

I wish I had a husband... so that I could make him have a vasectomy.

whining aside, I'm actually not going to make fun of you on this one.

Good for you for having the balls to do it (haha)

I figure you have license to bitch and whimper all you want because you're acually going through with it. of course I don't have to listen to you..

Go for it, dude! But get Hot Wife to clear the kids out of the house in about a month, then try it out.

Undescended testicle huh? At least you know one of them worked.

The great thing is, when you are this scared about something, the actual procedure is usually a synch. I'm sure you'll be fine, I'm not convinced , however, that you will let hot wife know you are fine, I suspect she is in for a day or twelve of being a slave to you. I hope you were good to her after she birthed your young 'uns....that might make a difference as to how, or if, she panders to your every whim.

I'm in the middle of discussing this "procedure". I'm very concerned, and am just not sure what I'm going to do. Good luck to you!

- Jon
- www.daddydetective.com

Look at the bright side, if your nuts do swell up to the size of a snow globe...
Well, everyone loves a snowglobe.

brighton -

oh, I was laughing so hard I couldn't even type. Brighton, that was too funny.

For a reasonable description of the procedure you are about to enjoy, plus how to avoid unpleasant surprises, go to
http://healthangle.blogspot.com/
and scroll down to Vasectomy.

Don't forget you have to have 20 (cough, cough) ejaculations to clear out the pipes. That should be fun for you and Hot Wife... as least the 10 times she helps you. Go, have fun!

If this is like a second bris, do you get a second bar mitzvah to go with it? But seriously, it sounds better thant the last posting, where the expected swelling was around the size of one of the outer planets.

Here are two first person experiences of having a vasectomy, and advice:
http://www.healthangle.com/procedures/vasectomy