I was escorted back to The Room Where Testicles Go To Die by a short, heavyset Hispanic woman in white scrubs. It was a standard medical examination room, but there were a few unusual props: a surgical tray draped on blue cloth and loaded-up with sharp, shiny metal instruments and an archaic-looking machine in the corner. There were two wires connected to the machine. As I followed them with my eye I found that they led to a small metal plate resting on the examination table. In the middle of the tray was a dollop of KY jelly so large that I wondered if I had mistakenly been led to the orgy room instead of the vasectomy room.

“Get undressed below your waist, climb up on the table and put your right butt cheek on this metal plate,” she said. “The doctor will be with you in a moment.”

I looked at her, asking her with my eyes to confirm that I wasn’t being Punk’d, and she shot back a look that seemed to say, “Don’t ask me, man. I’m just a nurse’s assistant. Just drop your drawers and stick your ass in the goo, OK? Please. Just stick you ass in the goo.”

Fifteen minutes later, Dr. Gardenburger entered the room looking all chipper and reaching out his hand to shake mine. We exchanged pleasantries (and let me just tell you this: you’ll never feel like a man until you are alone in a room with another man, you have no pants on, you have one butt cheek in a puddle of goo and the other quivering on that crunchy paper they drape over examination tables (which I think is the same crappy paper used to make disposable ass gaskets for public toilets) and you’re talking with the doctor whose about to sterilize you about college football). And the Dr. G sprung into action. He dragged a heat lamp on wheels over to the table, focused its beam on my sack and pulled back the paper blanket to expose my freshly shorn ballbag.

“Nice heatlamp,” I said. “I feel like a Quarter Pounder with cheese.”

Unamused, Dr. G begins to describe that he is going to use a needleless anesthesia, which therefore hurts less but is just as effective. As he speaks, he begins to pinch and squeeze and flick at my scrotum with a very uncomfortable ferocity.

“You know, I don’t normally let people do that to me until after they’ve taken me out for dinner and a movie,” I say. “Have you seen Rent?”

“I’m looking for your vas deferens,” he says.

He apparently found them because what followed was the first excruciatingly painful blast of needleless anesthesia – a sharp, direct hit on the lower left hemisphere of my teste satchel. The pain causes my toes to curl and my asshole to pucker, and I immediately begin to feel lightheaded. He repeats the procedure seven times more (I counted) and by the time my nuts are numb, I am at DEFCON 4 on the nausea scale. I burp. I cover my eyes with my hands. I breathe. And I go to my happy place (which, considering the circumstances in which I found myself, could have been the streets of Fallujah for all I cared).

Dr. Gardenburger slaps and punches my nuts a few times to confirm the effectiveness of his teste torture. Satisfied, he continues. I am still trying really hard not to puke and am not at all interested in looking down, so all I feel is some tugging and some pressure and the sensation that perhaps I mistakenly put on my five-year-old son’s Power Rangers underpants this morning and their tightness has rendered me numb.

I breathe. I try to think about nice things, like hockey. And boobies. And boobies playing hockey. But I am yanked from my vision by the low hum of a motor followed by the sizzling sound of a steak being placed onto a hot barbecue grill. A moment later, the aroma of overcooked mac-and-cheese wafts into my nose.

“[Sniff. Sniff, sniff.] Must be lunchtime,” I say. “Smells like someone is microwaving a Lean Cuisine or some Hot Pockets.”

“No,” Dr. Gardenburger says. “What you smell is me burning closed the openings in your vas deferens.”

“Oh. OK.”

More tugging. More pressure. More boobies. More smoke. And then, after roughly 10 minutes of hell, Dr. G declares the procedure a success. He tells me to sit up slowly, scoot myself off of the table, get dressed and meet him at the nurse’s station. I say OK. He leaves.

I sit up. I scoot myself off of the table and wipe the KY off my ass with the paper blanket. And just as I turn my head to find my clothes, I see the surgical tray in my peripheral vision – and on it I see two small pieces of overcooked macaroni coated in marinara sauce. Oh. Those are my vas deferens.

“Hockeyboobieshockeyboobies,” I say, this time out loud. The room spins and DEFCON 4 gets smaller and smaller in the rearview mirror and I am forced to sit my bare ass back down in the KY. “Hockey! Boobies! HOCKEYBOOBIEEEEEEEEEES!”

A moment later, the heavyset Hispanic woman cracks open the door. “Is everything OK?” she asks.

“Fine,” I say. “No problem. I was just getting dressed.”

Five minutes later I emerge from The Room Where Testicles Go To Die and waddle out to the nurse’s station. Through the glass, I see Hot Wife and force a smile. She sees me, too, and she throws me a look that says, “Holy shit, dude! You’re white as a sheet.”

I give her a look back that’s intended to say, “Dude, you have no idea how close I came to puking up that PB&J sandwich you made for me before we left. Seriously, that shit was crowning at my uvula.”

I grab my prescription for Vicodin and head out, walking gingerly but briskly.

I still don't know what the KY was for.

Comments

What was the KY for?

And--Owwwwww!

Yikes. I'm truly sorry. I was going to say something pithy like "I can relate (sorta) because I had my uterus fried on Thursday". But, um, I got general anesthesia. I'm pretty sure I couldn't have handled it awake AND sober.

Feel better soon :)

Heh, that was your butt cheek on the grounding pad for the electrocautery machine!
Didn't they warn you that feeling faint is a common side effect of the procedure?

The whole family gathered round as I read this story outloud. Best bedtime story we have ever read as a family. Tears down our faces. Thanks, DGM, for the laughs which, I guess, weren't all that funny if you were living it.

i hope your pee-pee is all back to normal again very soon.

holy shit. i laughes so hard. sorry dude. as soon as i came to the ky part, i ran into the next room and asked hubby if he ever had to sit in some ky jelly. he said no, I think the doctor just wanted to have a good laugh cause that's just not right. which in turn just made me laugh even harder.

As a procrastinating dad who's been none to eager to have this little operation done himself, I'm curious; on a scale of 1 to 10 what was the pain actually like?
Love your blog...keep up the good work!

ok so now i feel a little sorry for you, but i really laughed out loud as i read your story. good you can see some humor in it (or at least i can) how are the pea-nuts today?

Holy shit, but that was the funniest and most spot-on description of the experience that I've ever read.

Nobody told me ahead of time that they'd be turning my internal plumbing into sizzle steaks. It's been a year and I can still remember that smell.

Hope you have a quick, complication-free recovery.

Mine was very different. I got needled numb-numb juice. Which didn't work for shit. Getting cut open with a blow torch hurts like hell when you can still fell your balls. Anyways, goodluck with your junk. And watch out for low blows. Got kicked in the sac two days after by a squirming child who didn't want to be held up for a family picture. We both dropped like a 200 pound sac of potatoes... except he got back up.

I was going to say something funny and bitchy but I just can't. I hope you feel better soon.

Yeah,I'm with Lola. I was gonna go for the snark factor,something along the lines of 'oh,yeah? try pushing a bowling ball out your right nostril and then we'll talk pain,buddy!'

But I can't. I'm too busy holding my nonexistent balls and moaning quietly how glad I am to be a woman.

Feel better soon.

Wishes for a speedy recovery, DGM.

DGM: it's been awhile since I have read your blog and was quite surprised to read what you have gone through this weekend~ the same thing my husband has. Nothing says the holidays like a good old fashioned vasectomy! Your dr really shook your hand as opposed to scrubbing up first?
Oh, and the *swelling*!! Is that a sight to see...

Feel better soon.

Never let this information fall into the hands of my ex-wife!

oh dear LORD. shouldn't they do general anesthesia? i know that has medical complications, or something, but isn't the psychological damage worse?

So glad to see you on the other side! Glad the procedure was a success, and don't forget at least ten times before all the sailors have left the port...

Dude, that was TOO hilarious. Sorry for such a hearty laugh at your expense, but damn that was funny!

heres to a speedy recovery!

i admire you for finding humor in that experience.... i wouldve fainted on the first sight of the metal plate!

HOCKEYBOOBIEEEEEEEEEES! - I'm sorry. I know I shouldn't laugh at a story about someone else's surgical procedure, but the 'hockey boobies' make me laugh out loud.

Just think, the worst of it is over and when you're all healed, you and HotWife can have all kinds of fun without latex or pharmaceuticals being involved. You'll be grateful, trust me.

Was this a Christmas present to your wife? Because what you've just described left me (a non-cojones card carrier) thinking that this is true love. It's almost as generous as a diamond. (Almost)

Why did Hot-Wife not accompany you in the procedure? I bet she wanted you holding her hand when she had the kids..
When I had my Vasectomy my wife was there with me and we were commenting on the procedure as it happened.
BTW, I had the local anestesia and I think a little pinch is better than having my nuts beaten by the butcher.

Oh, you poor guy. After reading this, even though I had a c-section which my hubby watched (he told me about the cauterization later), I don't think I'll ever ask him to go through this. Going through that and then seeing your tubes on the table? Awful!

Hope you feel better soon.

I think you are the funniest blogger I have ever read. I chuckle at a lot of people's stuff, but I almost embarass myself whenever I read yours. I am seriously contemplating only reading your posts at home so I don't feel like such a dork busting out in roaring laughter in The Quietest Office in the World.
Get well soon!

The K-Y was probably to keep you grounded or stuck to the table or maybe just to distract you a little.
You have very large hands!!!

Your post was laugh-out-loud funny, Danny. But I hope you're feeling well enough for Hot Wife to...umm...give the "new you" a test run soon.

p.s. every time i watch "the nutcracker" this holiday season, i'll think fondly of you.

Couch: I spit my water out when I got to the end of your comment...funny because I got a visual.

DGM: Hilarious recap I hope you get well soon.

Damn! That's what I have to look forward to?

Forget the fact that I've already put it off for the past 5 years (yes, I had an initial consultation 5 years ago), this, in no way, makes me want to go back!

In fact, I think I went Turtle while I was reading it! Must be the self-preservation thing going on.

I cannot believe you were awake for this one. Wow.

I nearly passed out just reading that. I am bookmarking this post just in case I ever get drunk or desparate enough to ever consider getting snipped.

Your happy place! Fallujah???? Oh my word I was finished from that - it was hysterical. Feel better.

I'll say this again: I absolutely LOVE the way you write.

If you ever get a colonoscopy, would you PLEASE tell us about it, too?

Seriously, you should write a book. You are awesome in every possible way.

Overcooked Mac & Cheese!?!?

I hope the doc didn't shove a duck and a chicken up there when you weren't lookin'. Maybe that's what the lube was for? Ballducken!

Oh God, that brings back memories. Right about now, I expect you're suffering some serious blue balls. Hope you're feeling better soon, and if you're not, then you'll write about it.

Man...I hope you feel better...that has got to suck big time. You are brave.

OMG. I laughed my ass off. Well done!

oohh maaann ~ still gasping for air ~ soo sorry to laugh at your expense man... truly I DO hope you AND the boys are feeling well again. I too wanted to spew forth words of derision, tales of woeful births, and all that jazz, but in the end, I just ended up feelin' for yah ~ Maybe if you play your ~Woefully Ill~ cards right, HotWife will rub your feet, massage your shoulders, and wipe the goo off your toosh..... still laughing.... Doc must have a sense of humor for sure.....hehehehehehehehe

I am often called from my room where I am studiously doing my homework (wink, wink) to have your stories told to me... I must say that I have never laughed so hard in my entire life and loved it so much that I even told my friends a few days ago where it took me twice as long to tell the story because I was laughing so hard and by the end they were also laughing hysterically. Back to my homework I go...

I made my husband read this, and he said to tell you his vas deferens send their regrets. Of course, he'll be going for his own snip in a couple years, so I'll remember to put some vapor rub in his nostrils first.

I was looking up vasectomy info for my hubby(He had it done friday) and I came across your site. Can I tell you I read this post to him and we both were laughing so hard! Great blog you have and we will definitely be back to visit!:)

dude dont you know how to pull out, i would never fry my balls

That was hilarious...me and my wife are considering making macaroni out of my junk...but man...are you kidding me...!

Fuckety Fuck! I was looking for website links to send to my husband to convince him that the surgery is a good idea. So far, withholding sex until he "at least makes the call for a consultation" is making us both irritable. Ah well, your post may not inspire him to get the chop, but it will make him laugh.

WHO DID YOUR WORK I WOULD LIKE TO BE DONE THAT WAY

Found your post by accident but I'm glad I did. The KY was electroconductive gel. It helps make the conection between you and the grounding pad for the caurtorization tool complete easier so you don't get shocked.

Hey dude, did you know that vasectomies might cause dementia? Apparently they think sperm can leak into your bloodstream. The antibodies used to kill them can mess up neurons somehow. Anyway, good luck.

http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2007/02/070212183237.htm

I got the needle job. Nothing like two needles in the sac. Felt like my nards were inflated to 120psi. Day 6 following my trauma, and I can still barely sit, stand, walk. Pull pud? that's light years away!

I am only 22 and can't believe anyone would have that done to their balls. was very shocked l8ly to find when my boss had the operation that it wasn't done under general. He had a very nasty infection (apparently) and took another 2 days off work shortly after - amazing considering he hasnt taken any other days off in over 2 and a half years iv ben working with him, when he came back he still couldn't walk properly - more of a waddle!!