The morning I went to visit Dr. Gardenburger for the first time, I saw my next-door neighbor outside the office. Turns out he had the appointment immediately before mine, which he had taken because it was time for a prostate check. I only recently allowed my brain to run with that scenario a bit and realized it means my urologist had his fingers on my nuts immediately after he had them up my next-door neighbor’s ass.

What can I say? It’s a close-knit neighborhood I live in.

Tomorrow morning I will return to that office to have my fertility eviscerated like a Jello mold in the path of a nuclear warhead. I will return home sterile, sore and clutching a bag of store brand, flash-frozen vegetables to my money-maker. (I’m saying this for my own benefit, not yours.) But I’m not going down without a fight.

Gary The Amish-Chaser stopped by tonight with gift basket filled with frozen peas, beer and a note that said, “We’ll miss your vas deferens. You are a cut above the rest.” While he was here, I was telling him that they only schedule these procedures on Fridays so that the men can convalesce all weekend and return to work Monday morning without walking like they have a dump in their pants or a small import sedan between their legs.

As Gary and I talked, I tried to imagine the scene I’ll walk into tomorrow: a waiting room full of nervous men and, every 15 minutes or so, a man exiting the building with a wince and a limp and a look in his eyes that screams “Run, you guys! Ruunnnnnnnn!” Gary and I then devised a scenario in which I bring with me a tube of fake blood, a head of lettuce and two large walnuts. When I reappear in the waiting room looking like my crotch just got hit by a runaway train, I’ll watch those waiting to endure the same fate scurry for the exit doors like little roaches when the lights come on.

Comments

Because I don't have nuts.

Best wishes on a ??? WTF? Uh, I hope it goes ok. I hope you have lots of frozen corn? Good luck in 7th grade.

Good luck? What can one say huh?

Mazel tov!

Damn, the Google ads are so on target these days.

Cheers to your nuts!

After the surgery, do you go right next door to buy a purse and be be fitted for a bra? Real men always keep a round in the chamber.

I dare you to really do it! I double-dare you! Come on - I'll give you a dollar if you do!

having given birth to three children of my own, two with no painkillers, i really don't feel sorry for you. get on with it and get over it man!

You'll still be a man, Danny. Don't let anyone tell you any different.

Now, go fetch Hot Wife's pipe and slippers!

i hope your nuts get well soon.

I'm grossed out and laughing at the same time.

I'm also confused about the head of lettuce, but please don't tell me anyway.

And good Shabbos to ya! Best of luck -- Husband is anxiously waiting to read your follow up.

I like ti tell people I been cut like a dog!!

Having recently discovered your blog, I have been slowly catching up, reading in reverse chronological order.

Had to comment on this one, since I have BTDT with the vasectomy experience, too. The neighbor comment made me laugh, as I went through something similar, only it was with a colonoscopy.

I don't know if you have ever had to endure one of those, but since they dope you up for the actual procedure, the worst part is probably the after effects while you are in recovery. To make sure they get a good look around, they pump in a bunch of air to sort of semi-inflate the works and remove all the wrinkles. Remember the old video game Dig Dug?

OK - now imagine me being deposited in recovery, coming out of my fentynal/versed induced state of "I don't give a shit(pun very definitely intended)" only to have the recovery nurse look at my chart and announce after seeing my address that we only live about six houses apart(where the hell is HIPPA when you really need it?), all the while, I am trying my best not to sound like a rubber balloon that my daughter just let go of. Crazy woman stood there chatting me up about which neighbors we know in common for about 10 minutes, all the while I am doing my best motorboat impersonation with my ass.

Of course she waves like a loon every time I am out mowing the lawn and she drives past, and I just shake my head at the circumstance of our first meeting.