How Soon Is Now?
I happen to do the best imitation of Morrissey west of the Mississippi.
I was never a big fan of his. Never owned a Smiths album or one from his solo career, and I actually think he sounds like a whiney douchebag. But one day I was messing around with my Kermit The Frog imitation and I realized that the two voices are actually quite similar. To my ear, Morrissey is just Kermit with the bottom jaw jutted forward and the Adam’s apple a bit more puffed-up.
Also, Morrissey doesn’t cavort with pigs like Kermit.
Hot Wife and I went out for sushi last night, alone. We talked and made eye contact and encouraged each other to persevere through the bullshit – the kinds of interactive things that married couples with young children rarely get to do. It was one of the best nights I’ve had in months, in part because neither of us had to get up during the meal to cut someone’s chicken into bite-sized pieces or clean up the milk someone spilled or stop someone from stabbing his sibling in the eye with the red Power Ranger while he screams, “Kill! Kill! Kill!”
My wife said some wonderful things to me last night. I was reminded how delicate marriage can be. We walk around like drones, living our lives with blinders on and fighting through our individual stresses, and sometimes a husband and wife become nothing more than roommates. But nights like last night, when we sit down over a crunchy roll and a big bottle of Sapporro, seem to reawaken me. I felt my wife’s words grabbing my spirit by the lapels and shaking it out of its malaise. It was wasabi for the soul.
When we were leaving the restaurant and walking to the car, I was so jacked-up about my hot, supportive, encouraging wife with the perfectly straight white teeth and the abs you can totally see (and the fact that I was pretty sure that I was going to get lucky when we got home) (although luck has nothing to do with it when you’re as sexy as I am) that Morrissey just bubbled up inside of me, right there in the sushi bar parking lot:
“SO SHUT YOUR MOUTH! HOW CAN YOU SAY! I GO ABOUT THINGS THE WRONG WAY? I AM HUUUMAN AND I NEED TO BE LAH-AH-HAHVED! JUST LIKE EVERYBODY ELSE DOES!”
Hot Wife, who had been holding my hand up until this point, let go and drifted 10 feet away from me. (She hates Morrissey.) (She’s also jealous that I can sing. Her singing voice sounds like the desperate wail of a cat that’s being skinned alive.)
At the end of my serenade, from across the parking lot came a rather angry admonition for me to “shut the fuck up” from someone who was eating on the outdoor patio of an Italian restaurant.
“What’s with the hate?” I shouted back, although I couldn’t see who I was speaking to. “I’m singing to my wife on Valentine’s Day! You got a problem?”
There was no reply.
I woke up this morning and Morrissey was still locked in my head. The delicate morning silence at Evans World Headquarters was broken first by a big, stinky fart from the dog and then by me, bottom jaw jutted, Adam’s apple swollen: “THE MORE YOU IGNAW ME, THE CLOSER I GET. YAW WASTING YAW TIME…”
What followed was a parade of children into our bedroom, rubbing the sleep from their eyes and asking mommy why daddy was singing that weird song so early.
“Because,” Hot Wife said, hugging and comforting the sleepy children, “daddy’s under a lot of stress right now.”
“Is he going crazy?” my son asked.
“No,” she said. “He’s been crazy for a long, long time. And that’s the way we like him.”
***
Don't forget to swing by The Blogfathers, where the hijinx never cease.
My husband also sings strage songs at weird times. I'm with Hot Wife in the walking away.
Yeah, right. The DOG farted. Mm-hmm. We totally believe THAT.
I prefer this romantic lyric:
And if a double decker bus
Crashes into us
To die by your side
Is such a heavenly way to die.
Thanks dude. Now I have an ear worm!
I didn't mean it when I said
By rights you should be bludgeoned
In your bed
Ah, the eighties *wipes nostalgic tear away*
man, did you totally steal my identity?! i have kids the same age as yours and i swear to god you just described some scenes right out of our lives!
“He’s been crazy for a long, long time" Biggest compliment in the world, dude!
Sounds like you had a brilliant Horny Warewolf Day (new Official Title of the celebrations)!
Hey, we're doing sushi this weekend but if he sings, he's totally not gettin' any!
Wasabi for the soul. ha!
This morning, my 4 year old came into our bedroom and my husband was still shirtless. She said "Yuck, Daddy, get dressed 'cause I don't want to see your scary hair!" hahaha The face she made was priceless.
Ya just gotta work a little harder to find the V-Spot on Feb 14 when you got little ones, huh?
I assure you that I have the East side of the big river covered...
Valentine's Day as wasabi for the soul...beautiful and poetic. I was just made aware of a new holiday, March 14th. It is the male equivalent of Valentines Day. "Steak and BlowJob day". Check out the link, and mark your calendar. http://www.steakandbjday.com/
My husband despises Morrissey and not being a big 80's music fan, thinks all 80's new-wave singers sound like whiny douchebags. (He's right)
You should have sang these lyrics to her:
(they always spoke to me)
--------------------------------------
What she asked of me at the end of the day
Caligula would have blushed
"You've been in the house too long" she said
And I (naturally) fled
In my life
Why do I smile
At people who I'd much rather kick in the eye ?
I was happy in the haze of a drunken hour
But heaven knows I'm miserable now
I wear black on the outside, because shitbag is how I feel on the inside.
Wasabi for the Soul should totally be the title of the book you need to write.
I like the Smiths. I hate Morrissey. Does that even make any sense? Since The Smiths were pretty much Morrissey? Kermit the Frog is way more enjoyable than The Smiths or Morrissey, though.
Getting out without the kids is so amazing when it happens because, well, it never happens.
Ever get wasabi in your eye? It's no joke.
I am going to be most lemming-like and fawn over your choice of terms in "wasabi for the soul".
Very nice.
you are one lucky dude. im glad you realize it.
Heh. I totally said this.
http://americanstoic.blogspot.com/2005/11/i-would-go-out-toniiiiiiiiight.html
Big fan here, love the blog, etc, etc.
what about that weird rendition of "Moon River" that's like 25 minutes long and has that crazy screaming/crying woman in the middle of the downright surreal instrumental?
At least you didn't sing that ...
Hot Wife's sides must hurt living with you. Seriously. My first ever HNT is up...
Maybe HotWife is more Lionel Richie than Morrissey. Although I doubt it.
Being a Springsteen Girl myself, if anyone had dared to even whistle alternative shit at me, I would have popped a cap in his ASS.
Slam your screen door on THAT, Mary.
Morrissey... dude - your musical tastes are eclectic.
I still time warp back to that I'm-16-you're-14-I-can't-exactly-believe-some-chick-would-actually-CHOOSE-to-live-with-this-crap thing when you bring stuff like this up. But then I come back and remember how sweet and cute and completly nutty you are.
Morrissey is the pussiest of all pussys
Wondersis, you are very nice. Does DGM appreciate you?
By "appreciate", do you mean does he sing me Morrissey songs and such? Yeah. I got the morrissey via email as my valentine. I know he loves me.
Nice to read you Dad Gone Mad