My flight was delayed Tuesday, so I killed time in the airport by purchasing a copy of GQ and a Sausage McMuffin (with egg!). Since I began writing, I have worshipped the paper upon which GQ is printed. Despite the unrelenting facts that a) GQ is foremost a men’s fashion magazine, and b) I care as much about fashion as I do about the apocalyptic nutritional consequences of eating a McMuffin, the writing in this publication makes me happy to be alive.

To wit, from a GQ piece about the service at a pricey steakhouse: “He launched into the eloquent ‘Have you dined with us before?’ speech; he went into what seemed like a twenty-minute soliloquy on the specials; then he got to the Kobe beef, which he frothily praised as if it came from some sort of mystical unicorn-cow that lived in a secret grove somewhere in Siegfried and Roy’s magic forest.”

The first 75 pages of each 300ish-page issue of GQ are blanketed with pretentious and preposterous fashion ads. There pictures of bare-chested men looking contemplative, as if wondering “Hey. Who took my shirt?” There are ads featuring men looking intense and serious behind a pair of those enormous Paris Hilton sunglasses, as if they are intently considering doing some welding or taking a dare from the ass-waxer at the salon to look directly into sun for three full hours without blinking.

There’s also shit like this, for which no words are adequate:

I almost never look at these ads. I have neither the money nor the inclination to dress like an antique Victorian chair covered in broccoli vomit. Truth is, if I ever saw a man dressed like this, I would have no choice but to punch him in his face. Then I would drag him home so that my son, who I am teaching to be a man, could do the same. “Son, please punch this man. Harder! HARDER! What’s that? No, he’s not the guy from Flock of Seagulls. I see why you might think that though. NOW HIT HIM AGAIN!”

That morning in the airport, as I was flipping through the ads to get to the table of contents, I saw something in one of the ads that caused me to spit McEgg McYolk all over my carry-on. It was this:

I ask you, fair reader: what in the sweet mother of all fuck is the man on the left doing?

Is he looking for his keys?

Is he having anal sex with himself?

Is he doing that summer camp trick where you tuck your schmeckle between your thighs and squeeze your knees together so it looks like you have a vagina?

I’m at a loss.

I used to work in advertising. I have written copy that pitched flavored coffee creamer to octogenarians – which was laughable because every 80-year-old I’ve ever known gets the Hershey squirts at the mere MENTION of dairy products, let alone the consumption of them – so I think I know a little something about how to sell the unsellable. But I am totally out of touch with how a photo of a man dry-humping himself can move merchandise.

I’m just a pinch outside of the target demographic for this ad, and I can tell you unequivocally that this image is as likely to motivate a sale to me as the image of my clogged arteries and expanding waistline is to prevent me from having another McMuffin.

Comments

Not sure if he's DOLCE'n it or GrABBANAit!

Too bad you missed the one where it was just just bein' fondled, it was just out there for everyone to see.

Because, you know, that sells.

I do not have your experience in sales, but how does "It's OK if you're a wanker, you can still have this underwear" seem as what is, I believe, called a 'pitch'?
And we want to know the real reason why you bought GQ.

Maybe it was supposed to be an ad for Twig & Berries Fruit Baskets.

Errmmmm... Not that there's anything wrong with it, but being in SF and reading GQ (but just for the articles) just set off so many gaydar buzzers that my head is a little achey.

Also? The psychoanalyst in me notes you are also 'eating sausage' in this scenario.

I say go with it. When in Rome!

come on. like you never do that.

And we're still on wieners. cool!

hey, anne. Everyone's part gay. not just in sf.

Anal Sex with himself? That is hysterical!

The really sad part? He doesn't look like he's particularly enjoying it. Like he's a sad clown man whore whose own pleasure is unimportant and in fact verboten.

Also? Ick factor of at least 10.

I don't know about anyone else but that is a pose I see my husband in often. He is always quick to reassure me that it's a perfectly normal thing for a guy to do... scratch himself whenever & wherever, that is. Maybe they were just trying to sell to all the wives out there: "Hey ladies, all men do this. It's not fun to watch, but they can look good doing it. If you'd only buy them this underwear." Or something.

"Is he doing that summer camp trick where you tuck your schmeckle between your thighs and squeeze your knees together so it looks like you have a vagina?"

I laughed so hard on this one, my eyes started watering, and I was left gasping for breath.. hubby had to come inspect and after he wiped his own tears away he wants to know if he can get the Victorian broccoli barf guy for a punching bag when you're done, said he's got a few moves he wanted to show his son as well.

Can you imagine the scene at this photo shoot?
Check out the guy in the jeans. He is actually stroking it.
I guess you'd have to be prety well-endowed to be able to have sex with yourself.

I didn't even finish reading I am laughing so are hard. I will carry your thoughts with me the rest of the day. Thank you

I've got it! The point of the ad is to show how stretchy the material is.....for those large boys out there, those who get excited at the thought of themselves or those who are continuously itchy and need to go reaching....

the victorian broccoli barf jacket is quite hid' but no need for violence, really. Yikes!

i'm sitting here trying to understand the hand in panties staring at camera pose. i am trying to understand it. because when scarey things i happen i must try to comprehend. so that i don't have bad dreams. why is he doing that? i mean, there are many possible reasons. but why are we watching him? it doesn't compute! make it go away!

OMG. So funny!
I personally, have not ever looked at this magazine but I'm thinking the "G" stands for something other than "Gentleman" now.

I JUST FIGURED IT OUT!

That guy just has a REALLY small package and had to have his hand in there for the shoot as a disguise.

Am I the only one who thinks that's sheck-shay? Apparently. I'm contemplating a purchase of GQ...

Okay, that post just about killed me. I haven't read GQ, but now I feel the need to run out and buy one. Just so I can show Hubby the broccoli jacket guy, and say "Sweetie, I just ordered this for you!" Of course, then you and your offspring would want to punch him, and that wouldn't be so nice.
The guy with his hand in his pants? He's just warming it up for the guy next to him in the shoot.

My friend's boyfriend once did that trick; he stepped out of the shower and said "Hey Tanya! Wanna see my muff?" It's taken me YEARS to get that image off my brain; thanks for the flashbacks, bucko.

The guy's just juggling his junk; guys do it all the time. This one is just getting paid to do it in his underwear.

Obviously you are not a man in the know. He is performing his own prostate cancer check. That ad is nothing more than a public service announcement for male genital and colon health. How you can reduce it to porn and sexual innuendo is devastating to those of us in the healthcare profession.

And the man standing near him? That's only his doctor, making sure he has the technique right.

Sheesh. No wonder healthcare is falling to shit in this country.

CP.

Dear god... DH and I were discussing this very issue the other day. The magazine has definitely "jumped the shark" in his opinion, thanks to that D&G ad.

I WAS really proud of that shoot. Now that you have publicly humiliated me, I may not touch my penis again for 2 or 3 hours.

I chuckle over a lot of peoples' posts but this one had me laughing so hard I was crying.

O M G. I think he's just checking to see if he still has one.

LMAO!!!
This is hysterical!!

LadyBug

With the mention of the "mangina" this is officially the coolest blog...ever!

You said: Truth is, if I ever saw a man dressed like this, I would have no choice but to punch him in his face.
I LOVE IT LOVE IT LOVE IT......

As always, you crack me up!

Kobe meat...isn't that like 'bad' meat? That's what we call it here in Sacramento (after the Kobe Bryant thing)

anyway, as for the picture. EW. Time to switch to Maxim.

Oh, you KNOW what he's doing!
same thing all guys do.

My husband does that all the time. Sticky nuts.

mmmmmmm ball adjustments.

I believe GQ is emphasizing the importance of men's preventive health, here, as Mr. Reachy McGrabbyhands is clearly giving himself a prostate exam.

What's with dude in the first ad and his Flock Of Seagulls coif? I'm pretty sure that look was worn only by the biggest of losers, even when it was in. And what does the ad say? Are you supposed to give that guy a hickey or something? Maybe, if you buy this ugly fucking jacket, this jackass will give you a big HICKEY. ?

I'm confused.

I just read that article that was saying that Hollywood is out of touch with Average-America. But obviously New York is too, if this is what they think is going to sell a product to us average-folk.

Although, I might buy a pair of those Dolce & Gabbana underwear... because I want to be having as much fun as that guy is having.

That post made me laugh so hard - I actually had to stop reading a few times to compose myself. Oh my.

Perchance he dropped his egg McMuffin, and he's just retrieving it?

Maybe that guy us just holding a bag of frozen peas against his junk.

Agreed on the ads and the writing.

Hey, I was kinda wondering how life has been going post-castration. Have there been any side-effects (good or bad)?

Hi,
I have been reading you for a while there are a couple of you I read daily. Yall have been an inspiration to me and I hope you dont mind that I linked to you on my new blog. Its only out of respect, however if you prefer me not to , I will remove.

Thanks,

Tara

I feel sorry for his mother and his granny, they may KNOW that he has a modelling job in a glossy magazine but they simply will never be able to take a copy to the W.I or quilting circle to show off can they? Selfish bugger, never a thought for the mother...and I bet she spent all his childhood telling him to STOP doing that in public. We mothers waste our breath I tell you.

I love your blog. I've read it off and on for the last few months. This entry nearly killed me though. That guy with his hands down his pants! What were they THINKING putting something like that out there? Incredible!

Keep the posts coming. You are hysterical.

Carole

Everyone here at work was wondering WTH I was laughing at...now some of them know! This is the choicest and best read I've had in awhile. You were born to write! Looking forward to more of your stuff.

"an antique Victorian chair covered in broccoli vomit" and "Is he looking for his keys?"

i just laughed my ass right off.

thanks!

I stumbled my way here from someone else's blog and spent my otherwise boring afternoon at work reading your posts. Thanks for hours of entertainment! I wish I had been here to vote - you're funnier than dooce by a landslide, although she posts more pictures of her adorable child (I think that's why she's so popular)

btw- brocolli vomit is just the best combination of words to date!

Maybe he's checkin to make sure that his balls is still there????? me is still laufin as me is typin this.......thx for the lauf.......(( me wonders where ya gets this sense of humor of yers from? yer prim an proper mum or engineer dad?? oh you kill me thx ))

newfieswoman

Kudos to all. The post cracked me up and the comments kept it going.

mypetrock

So, I am sat in the lounge of my favorite clients (menswear, don't ya know) and I was face to face with an issue of Gentelmans Queerly, erm, I mean, Quarterly with one Matthew Fox on the cover. I started to make my way through the pages and like you, came upon the adverts for D & C. I did the comic double take, squinted my eyes a bit when I finally realized that what I was seeing was in fact real and not something my sick twisted perverted mind made up. Not only did I spot the ad you've posted here, there was also the ad on the next page in the magazine that had some dude with his jeans down around his ankles with another guy on his knees before him, doing god only knows what. I work in sales / marketing and something like 92% of my client base is in fashion, so I am exposed (excuse the expression) to a lot and I am the last one to be considered homo-phobic (even as a woman), but this kind of advertising really did my head in. Your views on the entire magazine cracked me up and more than adequately expressed my inner thoughts. I'll be using you on my blogpage as a link, cos your thoughts need to be shared.
Thanks and cheers!