Today is Barney’s Biggest Fan’s third birthday, and it happens to coincide with a rather striking change in her behavior. My sweet little baby girl has grown into a quite the diminutive little beeotch. She struts around the house with her hands on her hips and rage in her eyes and a staunch disdain for authority that has Hot Wife and me teetering on the brink of telling her that if she doesn’t shape her ass up quicklike, Barney is going to sneak into her room at night and eat her guts with a rusty spork.

She used to be so loving and gentle towards us. She’d do what we asked. She’d cuddle. She’d mother her dolls so preciously, talking to them through her cute little tongue-thrust and her adorable penchant for pronouncing Ls and Rs like Ws, as in “wunchtime” or “wesbian.”

But those days are over. Now she’s mean and nasty, and she doesn’t listen well.

“Honey, can you please come to the table,” we say. “It’s dinnertime.”

“No,” she says. “And you can go fuck yourself, too.”

She screams and she hits and she lashes out like an enraged steroid case. We put her in time-out and she comes marching out with a smile on her face, as if to say, “Ha! I waff in the face of your attempts to discipwine me, for they are indeed waffable. Now wun and fetch me a fwoot woll-up. Chop, chop!”

Hot Wife queried BBF’s teacher about this behavior, and she said she has seen the same things and that she believes it’s a sign of strength. She says it’s a positive attribute for a young girl because strong, assertive girls become strong, assertive women. To her I ask the following: do you think it’s a sign of strength when a three-year-old throws the remote at her father’s head and screams, “Daddy! Move your scrawny ass out of the way! I can’t see Cindewella!”

I move (because I am scared of her). She leans back into the couch and starts twirling her ponytails again, but not before she mutters this under her breath: “I swear... So fucking rude…”

I went into her room this morning to give her a kiss and wish her a happy birthday. “Good morning, sweetheart,” I said, grinning wildly.

“Hi, daddy,” she said, unimpressed. A pause, and then: “What did you get me?”

“Huh?”

“For my birfday. Where are my pwesents?”

“Young lady,” I said, furrowing my brow and speaking as firmly as I could, “you keep talking to me like that and there will BE no presents. Is that understood?”

“Cut the cwap, dude,” she said. “Go get my pwesents.”

“WHO DO YOU THINK YOU’RE TALKING TO?!” (I’m yelling now, as evidenced by the caps.) “Don’t you DARE tell me to cut the cwap! I am the daddy and I will decide when – and IF – the cwap gets cut! Ya got that?!”

With that, she put her head in her hands and started to cry. It was the cry I remember from her sweeter days: a soft whimper, a slow stream of giant tears, an anguished expression.

My heart sank. I felt horrible. I can’t stand to see my little baby crying. And for a father to make his daughter cry on her birthday? They hang people for that in some countries. (China, I think. And possibly one of the Dakotas.)

I walked forward, got down on my knees and gave her a big “I’m sorry” squeeze. Then I whispered in her ear: “Stop crying, honey. I’m sorry I yelled. If I go get your birthday present, do you promise to stop crying?”

She stifled her tears for a moment, looked up at me with half a smile and shook her head yes. So I got up and walked toward The Secret Birthday Present Hiding Place (also known as Hot Wife’s closet). Just as I left her room, I heard her muttering to herself softly:

“Stupid-ass old man. He falls for it every time.”

Comments

I have a three year old - she tortures her older brother and sister...rules the house...completely ignores all authority...yep, it's the age. When we aren't all hating her, she is the cutest damn thing ever; accept for BBF, of course.

Happiest of birthdays to the angel-faced little deviant.

My best friend says, and I concur, that my godson was much worse at three than he was at two. Good luck to you and HW. Happy birthday little girl!

I'm so glad I have boys...not that they're any less a terror. My four year old (Captain Destructo) has gotten quite mouthy lately. One of us isn't going to make it to his fifth birthday.

At least he doesn't watch Barney. *shudders*

Happy birthday, BBF! xoxoxo

Just don't rub any of that off on your cousin. I don't think I can take any more terror.

Happy Bday to BBF!!! Three and 13 sucky ages!!

LMAO! I have a three year old girl, so this sounds SO familiar to me! Except the Barney thing, I taught her early on that Barney sucks.

Good god man, get a grip. You've got to let her know who the boss is. It's so totally true, they will become strong, assertive women, and oh by the way, have you read, How to Father a Successful Daughter by NIcky Marone? My husband loved it and he is the proud daddy of three beautiful, strong, assertive women/girls.

I must concur. Terrible twos, my ass.

My three year is currently in a temper tantrum 'phase'. The other day, I made the mistake of laughing hysterically at his hysterics and he literally grabbed me by the front of my shirt with his two little fists and screamed in my face to stop laughing at him.

Well, obviously, I laughed harder. It was that or sell him to the gypsies, and I think I can get more for him in a few years when he's got some more weight on him.

Four is worse. So much worse. Bossy threes lead right into demonic fours. God, deliver me from fourdom.

You got pwayed, my fwend.

Kid sure is cute, though. Good thing, huh?

How Sweet! Sounds like she's on the expwess train to pubewty. Have fun.

Ok.. ok.. I must say I have a boy. He started that cwap when he was 2. He is now 8 and he is no better. Why just the other day he slammed MY bedroom door in my face and said leave me alone biotch. What did I do.. with all my 34 years of maturity. I kicked the door. sigh.. I will never learn

I have a 4 year old little girl and I'm sorry to tell ya...it doesn't get any better. My mother says I'm getting what I deserve. She says "I've been waiting for this time for so long...oh isn't she sooo sweet???" A mothers curse is EVIL!!

Well, at least she's still adorable! Hopefully that makes up for the attitude.

Oh dear lord...just got your link. My Sweet Shmuppie will be 4 in 2 months. All I have to say to you is: It gets worse. And, lucky you...she seems to be cute too. So, strangers and relatives who don't se her every day don't know what type of evil lurks beneath. Be strong brother, be strong.

I hate to tell you this but your getting a glimpse of what her teen years will look like.
As for time out, what crap! I just beat my kids. Much faster results.

Happy Birfday!!!
Merry, my little manipulator, turned four last week. At four the screaming, apocalyptic tantrums have begun. There have been two episodes, the likes of which I did not think were possible. Stay strong and keep on folding like a cheap suite to the whims of your precious three year old.

Yeah the 3's sucked. But the 7's??? F*cking sucked. Now that she has been 8 for a few months, I like her again. It was BAD, man, REAL bad. I suggest alcohol in mass quantities.....

yes everyone says the twos are terrible but I will say I think the threes are the worst. I have a recently turned four year old and he has gotten better but now I have a 2 1/2 year old and as he inches closer to the three mark I am starting to see the sad horrible age of three coming out in him. I hope you are all wrong about 4s and 7's. I am tired of little people asserting their independance. But I must say your daughter sure is cute!!!. I have three boys so I don't know if three is any different in girls but wow three is not a fun age.

Just a sample, a TINY sample, of what you can expect for the next fifteen years. This is why I only have a dog.

I waff at this post, for it is truewy waffable.

Have you thought about an exorcism? Or military school?

I think the Terribles Twos aren't as bad as the Thrashing Threes (copyright pending ;), because at three they argue back and weigh more!

My little demon baby is 4 now and has gotten much better with age. She still tries to throw an occasional fit when she doesn't get her way, but Homie don't play that. She also still says "w" for "r" and "l". It's so cute.

P.S. Daddies get pwayed more by wittle girls.

I thought of you Tuesday night as we took our 3-year-old to see the critically acclaimed stage production, "Barney Live - Let's Go!"
Welcome to the 3's with a girl. Attitude and a mouth. . .Yay!

I had to surgically remove my daughter's hand from her hip at age 17.

Happy Birthday to your beautiful baby.

Happy Birthday BBF!

You have just described my day!! My daughter turned 3 on Saturday, and I have no idea what the heck happened to her!

Hate to be the bearer of bad news so plz dont shoot the messanger ok?? She gots her daddy wrapped around her pinky an if ya thinks its bad now god help ya when she's a teenager....Oh me everlovin nerves....If she got ya that wrapped now me hopes to god ya makes it through her teen years....Yup she's a cutie alrighty....Happy Birthday sweetie ....oh daddy you just wait the fun is just begun......she not a teen yet.lmao

truenewfieswoman

When Daisy-Head Maisy turned 4 she announced, "I'm moving to Hollywood to find my REAL mom." Apparently, her REAL mom wouldn't have asked her to put her shoes away. The shoes she left on the stairs. The shoes that caused me to fall while my arms were full of laundry, the arms so necessary to catch oneself while falling.

You are lucky to have such a sweet little (strong) little girl...and she is quite lucky to have such a great Dad too!

Thank god, I'm not alone! That could be my daughter you're writing about. She actually laughed the last time I gave her a time out.

Just you wait... Four is SOOOOOOOO much worse! I was certain one of us wouldn't make it out alive - and hoping it would be me. But the day my child turned five, the sun came out, birds cheeped and I could hear a choir of angels singing. We liked each other again. Ahhhhh...

ENOUGH! ENOUGH!I don't need to know how much worse it is going to be when BBF is four or five or any other age. Is that supposed to make feel grateful for what I have now? Because it doesn't. I need tools, people. I need coping skills. I need parenting techniques. I need... a day at the spa. Yeah, that's what I need. Anything else, please keep to yourself. I have to go beat my head against a wall now. Thank you.

Hell, I pull that shit NOW and I'm 36.

Your daughter, she is a sweetheart. That hat! The blond tresses! Too much!

HA! You have just failed test number one of future drama queens everywhere. You will pay for this failure in 14 more years when she says "Daddy, I no want da Honda. Me wants da corvette, daddy. Pwweeeeeaaase?"

Then when you say no, the lip will come out, it will quiver, she will drop her head in her hands...and cry.

And daddy waddy will be in the dealership faster than babygirl can say SUCKER!!!!

CP.

Yeah, pretty much she owns you. But later on in life she'll make up for it by sending you on a cruise or paying to send you to a nursing home. ;)

(Happy Birthday BBF!)

HotWife, there are three tools that will help you survive parenthood: DGM (the biggest tool of all), a couple of good girlfriends and a margarita or two on Friday night.

"I need tools, people. I need coping skills. I need parenting techniques."

Alcohol. Massive Quantities of it.

And don't forget to take a drink for yourself now and then, too.

What if my 1-year-old already does that?

Happy birfday!!!

My 2 1/2 year old has this disorder too. I can't WAIT until she's a teenager!

Happy Birthday BBF!

My three year old turned into a little bitch when she turned three, too. And it just seemed to happen overnight, out of nowhere. Everyone told me that three is pretty bad - but JESUS! they never told me what to do when I get the urge to throw her down the basement steps. So, you know, I drink.

My one and only daughter is 17 tomorrow.....it gets worse, then it gets better...I'm told. I am still waiting for the better. 5 sons = a piece of cake, 1 daughter = Nah, I'll let you find out for yourself. Be afraid, be very afraid!

that was hilarious! i have an 18 year old soooooo with that said, I'll keep you in suspense on what's to come! nah nah nah nah. silly old man. LOL love it love it.

Three things you need to know:
Salt
Tequila
Lime

“WHO DO YOU THINK YOU’RE TALKING TO?!” (I’m yelling now, as evidenced by the caps.) “Don’t you DARE tell me to cut the cwap! I am the daddy and I will decide when – and IF – the cwap gets cut! Ya got that?!”

BWWAAAHHHAAA! Just the other day Little Man my 5 yr old turned to me upon my request (VERY firmly spoken) that he clean his room and responded, "GRRRRGGRRRR... (yes he actually growled) *His whole body shaking, fists clenched at his sides* I don't like you, any of you, any of my WHOLE family anymore!" And then promptly burst into tears.

I know I am a horrible person, but this quite amused me, but never let em see you smirk!

That is too funny. BBF is the cutest ever! I hope she had a "spwecial" day. :)

So how long has BBF known she's a wesbian?

OMG.. first time here.. and your post almost killed me. My (now 4 year old) Princess *from hell* was THE SAME WAY and has her daddy wrapped up in her fingers too. 3's are THE WORST. Good luck!