The first rule of tee-ball is that you take a leak before the game so you don’t have to stand out in left field squeezing your wiener and doing the “I have to go pee” dance in front of everyone.

The second rule of tee-ball is that if you ask me if we’re winning and I tell you we don’t keep score in tee-ball because cry-baby little kids like you will go apeshit if we lose, that’s still going to be the answer the next three times you ask me. If there is a fifth inquiry, I reserve the right to tell you that we lost and it was all your fault.

The third rule of tee-ball is that after you hit the ball, you drop the bat. DROP. Not throw. When you throw the bat, it ricochets off of the coach’s right shin and drills the catcher in the throat. Then the catcher cries because he thinks he’s dying and the coach starts hopping around on one leg and the whole fucking thing looks like a keystone cops movie.

The fourth rule of tee-ball is that the coach doesn’t want to hear about your guinea pig named “Jeter” and how its poops look like little balls of black Play-doh, especially when we’re in the middle of the first inning and YOU’RE UP.

The fifth rule of tee-ball is no, I won’t put your straw in your juice box for you.

The sixth rule of tee-ball is if your mother comes into the dugout (which she’s not supposed to because there are five-year-olds with aluminum bats in there and she may get whacked in the tit) and asks you to pose for a picture in your cute little Yankees uniform, don’t strike a pose that leaves your father no choice but to post the picture on his blog so the whole world can see what a goober you are:

The seventh rule of tee-ball is that when you are playing in the field and the ball comes to you, you must attempt to retrieve it. Don’t just stand there and watch it roll by you. If that’s the kind of defense I wanted played, I’d put a turd out there. I have opted instead for you – a human being with an opposable thumb. Please use it.

The eighth rule of tee-ball is that I know more than your father. If I tell you to choke up on the bat and he tells you through the backstop screen to choke down, the correct move is to listen to me. We’ll deal with your dipshit old man later.

The ninth rule of tee-ball is that each player is limited to one steroid shot per game. The league does not subsidize our use of these performance-enhancing supplements and I am not made of money. One shot each, and if you cry about it you get bupkiss.

The tenth and final rule of tee-ball is that sometimes your mom is going to cheer for you even when you suck, and that’s not OK. If you strike out, she’ll say, “Good swing, honey!” If you throw the ball 20 feet left of where you wanted it to go, she’ll say, “Good arm, honey!” Your mom is not helping you with these lies. It’s no different than if you forgot to wipe your ass after taking a poo and she said, “Nice skidmarks, honey!” Tell your mother to keep her placative bullshit to herself. We are men (men who can't yet hit a pitched ball, but men nonetheless). Men don't need to be coddled and babied. Men need open, honest, direct communication. And perhaps a little help with our juice boxes.

Comments

And who do you think he learned that pose from? The apple does not fall far from the tree, my dear.

Those kids are lucky to have you.

I would like to add a rule, if I may:

There should be no crouching in the grass watching bugs when you're in the outfield. You can watch bugs for free at home, while I am in the air conditioned house.

This will be my 3rd year of coaching and every damn year I SWEAR I'll never do it again.

Rule #11...if you get hit in the face by the ball...it's because you're making pretty pictures in the sand. If you were paying attention a normal human response would be to move OUT of the path of the ball going 60 mph...so PAY ATTENTION!

LMFAO. i heart you. you must read my psycho baseball mom post. i'm in a tissy. give me perspective dammit!

That photo is SO him and SO you.

That post is the reason my son is SO not playing organized sports yet. Ai! You're hilar.

I so want my kids on your team. Please use the turd line on them.

bu-wha-ha!

the first rule of Tee-ball is, you don't talk about Tee-ball. SHEESH.

hhahaha That was pretty damn funny.

Point 10 reminds me of when my ex husband and I would attend our daughters' games. I would be the "nice try! just do your best!" and he'd be over there "you call that DEFENSE? come on! show me something real!" and we'd be staring daggers at each other and, well, the school is just really lucky that it didn't turn into War of the Roses.

Bastard. (my ex, not you... although you MAY be one, I'm just not sure yet, but then again funny gets you a lot of leeway even if you are a bastard, right?)

Is he throwing out a gang sign?

If only all t-ball coaches were as anti-turd in the outfield as you.

I peed a little whilst reading rule #4.

Observed while watcing my little sister's game as a teenager:
Coach looks up and realizes he doesn't see his outfielders. He runs out and finds them laying down talking about a cloud that looked like a bunny. I seriously thought he blow a bloodvessel containing his urge to scream.

Don't ya love how they ask the score every 5 minutes. Ugghh!

Sounds like you're loving being a t-ball coach. My dad only coached my softball team for one season before he vowed never again to coach little kids. We drove him nuts.

Are you coaching for the JCC? The reason I ask you this is there is a def difference between coaching kids at the J or a city league.Its the parents Im jewish as well and man oh man, the parents at the J used to drive my Ex who coached our sons t-ball team in sane.

I coached girls tball and softball, and there should be a rule against twirling in right field and drawing your name in the dirt during the game.

Great picture, very cute! You can tell he's really having a fun time! That's what counts.

I have one. . .

Please realize that this is a ball-game. It is not all about the after-game snacks. Do not ask what the snacks are going to be and do not ask for one during the game. Oh, and NO, your snotty little sister who did nothing but drop her crayons on the ground during the game can NOT have a snack. It's for the boys who actually went out on the field, scratched their crotches, looked for bugs, and watched as balls rolled very slowly past them.

This is too funny!! Love it. I think more parents than kids need to read it tho! !

Long time reader; first time commentor.

Another rule (from experience):

When you're told to 'run home', do not run into the duggout, grab your gear and head to the car.

You rock, Danny!

long time reader, you crack me up, this one is a classic ~ thanks for the laugh

G-d help me through this season.

best dang set of rules I've ever seen.

Halarious. Do the same rules apply to those of us coaching soccer?

cutest frikin kid EVER!

What is it with kids and their motherfucking juice boxes? It's not rocket science, you little fuckers. LEARN HOW TO PUT YOUR STRAW IN YOURSELF!

RockStar Mommy, I'm SO with you. My two year old learned how to do it before my 5yo. What is UP with that? And can you NOT squeeze it? How hard is that?

I start coaching ball out here in the sticks in about a month. However, the ball association meets next week. I am so bringing your list of rules as well as a little tequila to help gear up for our season. Thanks!

You are FUCKING hilarious. OMG. You should write a column or something. Your wife just must be in hysterics all the time. And your kids are really lucky to have you.

Jeez, my Evil Genius Husband needs these rules for the kids he TEACHES. And they're in Middle School.

Thank god those little bastards don't have aluminium bats ...

You Rock mad dad. Make me laugh some more!

Rex Hudler coaches the T-ball Yankees in our League. But my kid's t-ball team kicked his kids t-ball teams butts - even without keeping score! ;) Oh yeah, and he actually complimented my husband's coaching! Ha!

OMG! I though I was going to actually fall off of the chair laughing at number three and THEN you made a crack about aluminum bats and I tilted and you mentioned where Mommy might get hit in the dugout and I actually did fall out of my chair.

So congrats. The whole ROFLMAO thing. I did it. It's actually kinda fun. Looking forward to doing it again.

#5 AND #10 HILARIOUS!!!!!!!!!!!!

please i make those jokes in my sleep my grandma can think of funnier things than that and shes dead NOT pretty good dude

Thanks for a good laugh

Awesome!!!

Great post. I can totally relate.

I begin coaching my 4 year old son's team this evening just so they would have enough coaches to make another team. Now! I see why there were so few volunteers. Oh my goodness what have I gotten myself into.

Man! am I glad I read this before stepping on the field with my son - there will be one less goober making mistakes -- me!

I just wet myself reading your post. My husband has been made coach of our preschool team (Made, being the operative word.) I think I'll hand your rules out at the first practice. As a coach's wife, I wonder if I entitled to a vanity plate?

The sad part is that college and medical students who have grown up with T-ball still expect the academic equivalent of trophies and t-shirts just for showing up for class, and are really surprised and offended that some of them "get out" because we professors actually keep score.