I have lately been consumed by my desire to take a hard left turn off of my current “career” path (otherwise known as “The Road To Nowhere”). I feel this visceral tugging on my brain to finally make an effort to earn a living writing text that is more evocative and dangerous and edgy than this stomach-turning drivel, which I wrote at work this morning: “The spirit of innovation is alive at Shitfuck Industries. We are committed to actively and aggressively addressing the issues our customers confront, and we believe our new Bleeding CockSore® is the true measure of that commitment.”

[I will pause momentarily whilst you puke.]

Unfortunately, I have been forced to travel around a series of psychological roadblocks on my way to literary superstardom. It’s not as easy for me as merely quitting my job and starting to write great shit that sells and brings Oprah’s book club to its collective knees; there’s a little more to it. Therapy helps. Bud Light does, too. But I still seem to run up against this deeply engrained fear. I really want to make this change today, but as weak and spongy as it may sound, I’m afraid. Afraid to expose my family to financial hardship. Afraid I’ll discover that I don’t have the writing chops to make a living at a keyboard. Afraid that I will regret jettisoning my steady, stable cubicle gig for “happiness” and “fulfillment.”

Hot Wife knows all of this about me. We talk. She’s supportive and encouraging, but she knows it’s a decision I have to make on my own. The other day she e-mailed me a link for a book called “Feel The Fear and Do It Anyway,” which she said she’d read in her early 20s and thought might be of some value to me. I have not generally been the type to read self-help books, but I feel so stuck and paralyzed that I thought it couldn’t hurt to give this book a look.

Near my office, there are two bookstores directly across the street from one another – one with a green sign and one with a red sign. Each is connected to a mall and the parking at each is atrocious. When I’m going to buy something mainstream, like a memoir or a sports magazine, I go to the one with the green sign. It’s small and cozy and I’m not afraid to be seen there. But when I’m going to buy something a bit more risqué, like a self-help book about how to stop being a colossal pussy, I go to the one with the red sign. It’s huge and cavernous inside, and it affords me the opportunity to me anonymous. That’s where I went yesterday. I don’t need any nosy-ass motherfuckers knowing I’m a scaredy cat.

The one unfortunate feature about The Bookstore With The Red Sign is that the self-help section is located right next to the seating area, which is adjacent to the coffee stand. In other words, when you stroll the self-help aisle, you are being watched by a few dozen people who are hopped-up on the Sumatra blend and are quite easily distracted from their law school textbooks by weak, troubled people looking for strength in the pages of books by Dr. Phil and Dr. Laura and Deepok Chopra. But since I knew exactly what I was looking for – “Feel The Fear and Do It Anyway” by Susan Forward – I figured I could sneak in stealthily, grab the book, tuck it into the pages of a GQ magazine for camouflage, and walk confidently to the cashier.

Trouble was I looked under all of the Fs and there was no sign of my book. “Shit!” I checked again and then triple-checked, but it just wasn’t there. So I walked over to the information desk, where I was greeted by a squatty, overweight bald man with an unnecessarily loud voice. He called me “young man” and asked what he could help me with. I told him the name of the book, whispering somewhat and hoping the man would catch the clue that I didn’t need the whole bookstore knowing I was a puss.

“FEEL THE FEAR…AND DO…IT…ANYWAY…” he shouted, reciting the title as he typed it into his computer search engine. “AND YOU SAY THE AUTHOR’S NAME IS FORWARD?”

“Yes,” I said.

A precious, quiet moment passes. Searching. Searching.

“Hmm,” he says. “I HAVE A ‘FEEL THE FEAR AND DO IT ANYWAY’, BUT IT SAYS HERE THE AUTHOR’S NAME IS JEFFERS.”

“Well, that must be it,” I say. “Thank you very much.”

Humiliated and feeling moderately homicidal, I make my way back to the self-help aisle and begin to scour the racks for J, as in Jeffers. I barely get past the Bs when Mr. Big Mouth Bookseller shows up to assist me. He pulls his glasses down to the tip of his nose, bends over at the waist and begins a strange, tribal, self-help bookseller chant as he reviews the shelves:

“MEN ARE FROM MARS…THE ROAD LESS TRAVELED…10 STUPID THINGS…AH! HERE IT IS! FEEL THE FEAR AND DO IT ANYWAY!”

His cacophonous announcement of the rather blatant book title turns every head in our direction, and everyone in the coffee/study nook now knows that I “feel the fear.” I imagine that they are each wondering what kind of fear I’m trying to overcome. Perhaps they think I fear flying or intimacy or carnies. Perhaps they project their own fears onto me, assuming that I, too, am desperately afraid of germs or confrontation or rye bread. Either way, they all know I’m afraid of something – and that I’m seeking relief in the pages of a large-sized paperback. Were I they, I’d be thinking I was a pretty big candy-ass right about now. I might as well be buying tampons.

“ANYTHING ELSE I CAN DO FOR YOU, SIR?” the big-mouth asks.

“Yes,” I say. “You can stop yelling, stop following me around the store, stop saying the name of this book in my presence and forget you ever saw me.”

“Also,” I add, “have an Altoid. Your breath smells like moldy cabbage.”

Comments

I have a fear of large corporate bookstores.

Ummm, ever heard of buying embarrassing shit online so you don't ever have to face anyone other than your UPS guy?

The Sumatra-dopes with their law texts are just wishing they hadn't spent $25K/year on tuition to prepare them for what they already know to be a mind-numbing career of hours and assholes. For them, there is no self-help.... so I hear.

Anyone who would care about the book someone else is buying needs to get their ass out of the sitting area/coffee shop and get a life! And why should anyone have to feel embarrassed when searching for ways to better themselves? I feel for you!

I agree with graymama. It takes a lot of courage to do seek help. Good for you!

Dude...GET THE FUCK OVER YOURSELF!!!! Honestly...what makes u so special that u think theres like a secret paparazzi following ur every move and noting every book you pick up! Reality check...NO-ONE GIVES A TOSS WOT YOU LITERARY SELECTION IS.

Now about that fear issue...the greater the risk..the greater the reward! Hubby and I moved to a new city, both started our own businesses simultaneously and have never missed a rent cheque! You just need to BE the best version of the greatest vision you ever had about WHO YOU ARE!

You will be fine! Just look at your following here in ur blog DGM...take a leap of faith in yourself. The reality is...only those that take that leap...create their reality...choose the reality you desire..and BE it!

Whether or not there's actually a secret paparazzi following your every move, it sure can feel like there is at times :) Everyone feels that way - I canNOT go into an "adult" store without feeling like the whole world watched me go in there! Prolly the reason why I've only visited said store two or three times in my life, but I digress! I feel for you, DGM, I really hope you are able to (not to sound too corny, a la Nancy Kerrigan) "follow your dreams!"

Yades, I posted on this very website a picture of my naked crotch covered merely by a strategically-placed bag of frozen peas. Do you think I honestly care about what people think about what I read? It's called creative license. Breaking news: what I write here isn't always 100% true.

You're free to disagree with me and take issue with what I write, but let's have a little mutual respect please. You're also free to provide unsolicited advice, but I can tell you that doing so after YELLING AT ME is likely to make your input come across hollow, kind of like a silent fart.

And as for your question about what I think makes me so special? Well, I happen to have an absolutely enormous penis. One more comment like the one you just posted and you'll be very rudely invited to suck it.

Amazon is your friend.

Not to offer I simple soultion to a complex problem, but here's my two cents anyway.

I have friends who are writers (like real ones with published books) who still hold down their day jobs.

Personally, I started freelance writing while working a real job. I eventually was able to give it up when I made enough money writing and my husband got a promotion.

I realize that the Dad part of Dad Gone Mad adds a big wrench to that sort of plan. And I even quit writing professionally when I had a second kid. But it is an option.

I have a fear of confronting rye bread.

I'll buy your book... I'll even purchase extras as gifts (or, to steady the wobbly dining room table...)

First, that's why they have barnesandnoble.com, shit comes right to your house.

Second, when did "CockSore" become a registered trademark???

Third, ever think about writing your Oprah's Bookclub novel nights and weekends and keeping your day job? At least until you hit it big. That's what I'm doing...(can't give up the medical and dental).

uhhhh, are you, like, british or something? you used the word "whilst" so i was wondering.

and whilst you're contemplating that, congrats on taking a step in the right direction. have fun reading on the loo.

After reading Feel the Fear, read On Writing by Stephen King. It's very inspirational for writers of any sort. Part biographical--in which he talks about the struggles before he got his big break with Carrie.
I can't say that I blame you for the fear. Even without having a family to support and worry about, the writing gig takes a long time to come to any sort of fruition. This, I'm sure, you know already.
Best of luck and I will definitely lay out the cash when your work is bound and for sale.

You ARE a good writer, so have no fear there. Sucks that everyone knows now though :)

You had me cracking up! I do have a similar story of annoying salespeople though - I bought my fiance a pocket watch for his birthday and wanted to get it engraved with a surprise birthday message. I took it to the engraver's while my fiance was with me, and they asked me to write my inscription down on a piece of paper. Then they proceeded to read it aloud - TWICE. Some suprise it turned out to be huh?

Oh and "Yades" could use some constructive criticism of her own.

DGM, you are an inspirtation to us all! I admire and respect you and I am honored to have you as my brother-inlaw. There is a reason your nephew loves you so much. Trust me... it is not because of your good looks! Now go write!

Will you be going back to that bookstore to buy:
"Help with undersized genitals"
or
"Cures for uncontrollable flatulence"
or
"Self Help guide to incest"
?
What you could try is to ask if they have
"Yades is a cunt".

Dude! I'm such a candy ass that I buy my "none of your business" books online.

Those people wish they had the gall to buy a self-help book. And I think your sense of humor is what makes you special.

I would be interested in your thoughts on the book. I haven't found the chutzpah to do it anyway.

Maria

You've got the talent and the spousal support. God knows most sentient beings on the Internet LOVE you and apparently you have a very nice set of gonads.
I would buy DGM's Greatest Hits. Just photocopy your posts, staple 'em and hawk them on a street corner. I'm sure things will snowball from there.
Isn't that how Dave Barry got started?!

See? You are there to help OTHER people. Altoids, indeed!

Ditto Amazon (you can even hide from your UPS guy ... mine leaves stuff on my porch while pretending to not see me peeking out the back door) and ditto Stephen King's book On Writing. Very inspirational.

I believe in your writing ability AND your enormous penis. I say: start a book, Danny. I'd buy it!

-Blue

Once when I was younger I was looking for a pregnancy book for a friend who had recently found out she was pregnant and needed some support. I thought a funny/informational book would be good for her and she'd know that I was there to help if she needed it. You should have seen the looks I got, you know, because I was so young and buying a book about pregnancy. I felt like telling everyone to shove it. I have (almost) never been so embarrassed in my life.

Even though it is scary, I think you'd make a terrific writer, and I'd definitely buy a book you wrote.

It probably won't really help any, but my guess is that the folks sitting around sipping their coffee while this went on were probably thinking something more along the lines of "hmm.. his shoes are nice... I think I'll make spagetti for dinner... the test is next week already... I am so sick of school..." etc. etc. Bravo on sucking it up and asking someone though, I would have looked for one of those computer things where you can look it up yourself, and if they didn't have that, I'd have gone elsewhere (or just ordered from Amazon like everybody else said...)

DGM - I know you are extremely careful when talking about work but, let's face it, you have a very well know blog. Are you ever nervous you might get Dooced?

Well, geez, Danny, EVERYONE'S afraid of carnies.

You should look at everyone and say "That's right, cocksuckers. YOU WILL FEEL THE FEAR."

Also, start saving money if it would make you feel better. Doing what you want is important. I'm JUST starting to get to "that place" where I'm making a little money and getting some work (all thru the damn blog) and man, it feels good.

Now, don't make me make you FEEL THE PAIN.

Fear sucks. I'm pretty well convinced that EVERYONE feels it, whether they admit it or not. Or else they are comtose and living a wonderbread life.

Way to rock it and take it on, though. You're moving. I'm proud of you. Whatever path you choose, I have full confidence in you. You CAN do it, if you want to..

I love you, asswipe.

Dude, you've already got a book here on this website. I think it's editing that you need to do, not writing.

Here's what you do: take the site down and make us all miss you. Figure out how to put all of your posts together in a book format so that they make sense: add a little here, delete a little there. Make some goofy lists to put in sidebars on every 15 pages or so. Get some creative illustrations and such. And then troll for a publisher.

(By the way, I'm totally talking out of my ass here. I know nothing about any of this shit.)

But as a regular visitor to the site, I must say you're one funny bastid. Your shit's almsost required reading in a world that takes parenting much too seriously. Hell, I'd buy your book.

Take heart, DGM. I'll buy whatever you write. You rock.

DGM, same question as Petey; are you worried about being dooced?

Hey, I would suggest getting in touch with Richard at http://www.mossroot.com. He's just started out publishing some of his stuff while working and might be able to give you a good idea what it might mean to look at a full-time writing career.

DGM, you are truly inspiring. Go follow your cheese. You have support from where it counts. Now move forward with it.

DGM, trust me... it wouldn't be the first time I have been asked, be it rudely or otherwise. Pity that neither you nor some of your readers saw the humour in my comment...clearly I am but a white spot on the white wall of that which is DGM humour. Interesting tho how you expect your readers not to take you so literally ...and yet...you certainly took ME literally. Now if you will excuse the caps which I use for EMPHASIS not SHOUTING....

IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE FUNNY!

You could write a matchbook cover and I'd buy it.

Dude, don't read On Writing - unless you want to write like Stephen King. Then, by all means, go ahead. But YAWN to that. (But also cha-ching! to that because, umm, people are suckers and apparently like to read shit in it's purest of forms, as long as it's climactic! shit.)

Yades sounds like she has listened to one too many Tony Robbins audio cassettes. What a bunch of bullshit.

I would stick up for you more and offer some outrageously life-alterting advice, but I don't do that for people that call me Mandy Moore.

Bro. if the Dooce can make enough $ for her husband to quit his job and hang around the house you ought to be able to figure out a way to make it work.
You are neurotic enough, thinking anybody in a book store cares about you and your problems, to make it big.
Go for it you big fag.

But DGM, you already Felt the Fear and did it anyway. That is, you bought the dratted book, which you fear, which you did anyway. So really, now you don't even have to read it 'cause it did what it's supposed to do...right?

And whatever you publish, I promise to buy.

yades, I call bullshit.

If you were attempting to be funny - then you failed miserably. Your post was insulting, and yet condecending while you propped your own acomplishments up. All in all, I would rate it a 7.5/10 on the troll scale.

The only classy move would have been to drop into lurkdome, but popping back up with a "just kidding" and "MY caps don't mean yelling, they mean emphasis" was pretty funny (not the intentional kind of funny).

You should appologize for disturbing this thread and go back to lurkdome.

No need for mud slinging here.

I guarantee you ---- you write it and we will come!

I passed your blog along to my mom (who thinks you are hysterical) who passed it to my dad, then to my brother and from there... his softball team. The point here is - you can do it. Good luck making your decision, but wherever you end up writing - we will read it.

Hmm. Yeah. Carnies. Circus folk. Nomads, you know. Smell like cabbage. Small hands.

They scare me too.

Go balls-out, dude. I quit my soul-sucking journalism job when my wife was 3 mo. pregnant. I went back to school for 2 poverty-filled years, and went into the only line of work that pays less than writing - I teach high school. I have never regretted a moment of it.

Just a few months ago I told my DH to poop or get off the pot about the writing issue. We have 2 little kids also, but we are doing pretty well without the soul-sucking job right now. You can do it with a little planning and a little faith. Hell, you don't even have to have that much faith -- you have 100 people telling you how much they love your writing right here!

BTW, I can barely make it through your posts without peeing myself... Is there a self-help book for that? "How to Control Bodily Functions While Laughing Your Ass Off?"

As for your writer's chops, you can always read dear John Gardner's 3 classics, "On Becoming a Novelist", "The Art of Fiction", and "On Moral Fiction".

OMG....Do it. My hubby quit his day job when our 3 kids were in middle school and younger. It was scary at first but his only regret is that he didn't do it sooner! You make me laugh out loud, and I've passed DGM on to many people.

So, you didn't want people to find out about it? So you blogged it? :D