Plagues
We gathered with some friends last night for a big Passover meal, which is called a Seder (say-der), which is Hebrew for “order,” which I find grossly contradictory because there were a dozen children under the age of six in attendance, which means there was about as much chance for order as there was that Moses himself would fly out of my ass, staff in hand, and shout “Let my motherfuckin’ people go, beeotch!”
One of the highlights of any Seder is the recounting of 10 completely ridiculous plagues with which evil Pharaoh and the Egyptians were pummeled in order to teach them a lesson about humanity and loving thy brother and DON’T FUCK WITH THE JEWS, ASSHOLES! These plagues were, by the standards of ancient Egypt, basic, run-of-the-mill weather phenomena – like swarms of frogs and lice and locusts, and the Nile River suddenly flowing red with blood, which killed all of the fish and made the water undrinkable and forced everyone to go Egyptian Urgent Care to get tested for Hep C.
As a child, the annual re-telling of these plagues was always the part that inspired me to rise up and call bullshit on religious texts, what with their nonsensical “historical” accounts of God talking to Moses through a burning bush (see: marijuana, hallucinations), which is about a silly in my mind as people flocking to some podunk Iowa town to see the likeness of the Virgin Mary in a chocolate chip pancake. Even as a rail-thin, big-nosed, buck-toothed 10-year-old, I can remember sitting at our family Seders and thinking, “This is such crap. There’s no way God could just, like, snap his fingers (Wait. Does God even HAVE fingers? He must. How else would he pick his nose?) and suddenly turn a whole big river in to blood. That only happens in Bruckheimer films and tampon commercials. And that thing about Moses just lifting up his arms and parting the Red Sea? Pfft. Right. Part this, douchebag.”
As long as we’re trying to pass pure fiction off as the way things actually went down in ancient Egypt, I have decided that someone needs to take the creative lead on concocting a more viable set of plagues – things that could actually have happened. And as the saying goes: “If not now, then when? If not me, then who?” I therefore bring you…
The New Plagues Guaranteed To Elicit Way More Suffering Than Those Lame-Os They Allegedly Used In Ancient Egypt, Revision One, By Dad Gone Mad.
1) Take the Sunday sports page into the kids’ bathroom and prepare to take your Epic Sunday Shit only to lift the lid and find that someone has recently completed the same task but left the bathroom without flushing.
2) Go out for pizza with your neighbor and his 13-year-old son at a restaurant that has several video games. Start cocky-talking about how you used to be The King of Galaga and bet the 13-year-old a hot fudge sundae that you could smoke his punk-ass on that game right now. Lose by 32,000 points. Never hear the end of it.
3) Allow your three-year-old daughter to taste your Perrier without forewarning her that it’s carbonated. When she realizes this, she spits the sparkling water out with the force of a firehose. Learn immediately that regurgitated Perrier hurts when it gets into your eyes.
4) Work in a cubicle next to someone whose cell phone ringtone is “Take Me Out To The Ballgame.”
5) Take your son to an arcade, let him drink a gallon of root beer and play violent video games for 90 minutes. Then, when his blood sugar is good and low, tell him it’s time to go home. Watch as the ensuing tantrum causes you to rethink the whole idea of having children.
6) Listen to satellite radio and realize that the songs you loved in high school are now considered “classic rock.”
7) Take your kids to Quiznos and let them get the wacky Quiznos kids meal. Watch as they open the toy it comes with and try to decipher exactly what it is. Observe their displeasure as they realize that it’s some lame, out-of-context, wizardy thing that doesn’t light up or make noise or spin. Then try to get them to eat their sandwiches. I might as well have told them their dog died and its ass meat was in-between the bread.
8) Promise your daughter that if she lets you change her diaper without fussing, you’ll watch a whole episode of Maisy with her. Then watch it and try – just TRY – not to snap the remote control in half and gouge your eyes out with the resulting plastic shards.
Okay, I'm not Jewish, but those plagues would scare the hell out of me. (#s 2 & 7, especially).
Finally someone that understands....thanks DGM for all the laughs!
Could we add Childrens 4th birthday party to the list.oh, and 32 of her closest friends from school whose parents dropped their kids and ran.
Thats punishment.
I have a few...
I think that getting an old Wang Chung song stuck in your head is akin to a plague. It's at least as bad as locusts.
My worst idea of a plague is a world where people moving in crowds, say like at an airport or a mall, would suddenly STOP right in front of me. Oh, wait... then I must have already sinned egregiously because that happens to me ALL the time. That's right up there with frogs.
Finally the WORST punishment I can think of... mounds and mounds of dirty laundry. Oh, wait... I have that too.
I'm going straight to hell. It's so obvious to me now. Thanks, DGM!
So what's wrong with having "Take me out to the Ballgame" as your ringtone?
Hee! I wasn't Jewish, but close (SDA) and I remember learning about the plagues. I LOVE the scene in the movie with the frogs jumping all over the place. I always figured Pharoah wasn't so bright. Why didn't he catch on after the first 5 or 6 plagues?
Don't be knocking Maisy. In a more desperate moment I kinda had the hots for the Maisy narrator. and yes, I am over it. But Maisy beats the heck out of Barney and Dora.
"Hello Maisy"
"EEHHUUHHEEHUH"
"Blow me, Maisy"
"EEHHUUHHEEHUH"
Amen, Brother...or shall I say Shalom or some other crap?
Who is Maisy??
What about that one thing on Maisy that sounds like Homer Simpson? I think it's the crocodile. Whatever.
Yes,it's Charlie the crocodile. I seriously think he is mentally challenged based on his incoherent speech. Actually, I think Maisy is worse than Barney. Wait, what does this say about my daughter? Oye!
DGM, with two kids and a wife, surely you could come up with a solid ten plagues.
Never mind! I just Googled Maisy. Never heard of that show - probably because I don't get Noggin here. Must be an American thing! :)
I've got to choose the plastic shards from the remote over Maisy any day...much less painful.
Oh come on...Maisy isn't so bad. Now Kipper or Franklin...that's another story!!
I'm wondering if you're the proud owner of a bag of plagues yet? I have a set, and I'm not even Jewish.
http://www.judaism.com/display.asp?nt=DH&keyword=plagues&etn=IIBHH
We had a bag of plagues at one of the seders! They were much fun to play with and made my uncle, who is pretty much of a religious killjoy, absolutely furious. We loved them!
Maybe I am lucky my kids are teenagers, no Maisy here!
Thanks DGM! Now I can't get the picture of your son standing on the chair singing "frogs here, frogs there, frogs jumping everywhere!"
i think #5 is the scariest. uber-scary.
our seder was not scary at all. But we had a "safe and sane" seder. Only 4 children - 6, 5, 4 & 2. All close to their next birthdays, except the two-year-old, and she drank lots of wine. It was chill.
Dig that bag o' plagues. Gonna have to get me one of those for next year! Fun for the whole family!
Maisy, Maisy,
Maisy, Maisy mouse
So what is up with Charlie the retarded crocodile?
Here's another vote for calling bullshit on religious texts! My god is Isis and she can kick all other gods asses any day with her magical agricultural powers.
Gee DGM, I'm sorry your seder as a kid was so uninspiring. But why do you need to take it out on your religion?
"That only happens in Bruckheimer films and tampon commercials." Frickin' hilarious!
The Random Muse posted about the plagues yesterday and had some adorable pictures to go along with it.
The only thing worse than Maisy is Oobi.
Those do sound painful.
Number 4 hurts to read, but not as much as it hurts to work in a cubicle next to some hipster with an "ironic" "Backstreet's Back" ringtone. Seriously.
Your seder sounds as orderly as ours was. But my kids got plague masks -- photos on my blog. Because, really, who doesn't love wearing a mask commemorating the death of every firstborn Egyptian? That's the definition of fun!
# 6 is a constant personal plague now.
#8 for ya, Come to the sudden realizaion that the tight lithe young 18 year old that is flirting with you could was concieved the same year you lost your virginity.
Suddenly gravity jut pulls you through the floor.
Oh, Petey. You're IT! Oobi is the epitomy of evil. A plague for sure and a reason to cut off cable.
And Martha - You kill with those masks! between those and the bag o', seder will be even more fun next year!
At whose altar must I worship to avoid these terrible scourges.
Is "scourges" a word?
You just ruined quiznos for me forever, thanks!
My favorite part of that story is "But the Lord hardened Pharaohs heart."
That bothered the hell out of me as a tiny child. If God wanted the Israelites to be free, why the hell did he harden Pharaoh's heart, resulting in the need for a new plague? Did he LIKE doing plagues?
Nice site. I was going to put you down as "nearly as fucked up as me" until I read this one. No. You're as fucked up as I am. My hat is off to you ;-)