Hot Wife has recently enrolled in a parenting class. There is a text book and a teacher and homework, and every week my wife comes home with this proud I-know-something-you-don’t-know smile on her face and asks, “Don’t you want to ask me what I learned at parenting class tonight?”

(To which I respond, “I’d rather have another vasectomy. WITH A RUSTY SPORK!”)

This class is apparently teaching my wife how to “redirect” our children when they misbehave, as opposed to bashing their brains in with a wooden spoon or telling them that they’d better listen to daddy or else the big giant monster who lives under the bed will crawl out when they’re asleep and eat their guts.

“Redirect.” What a stupid cocksore of a word! According to what I’ve witnessed, redirecting means sitting the child down and telling him why you’re so pissed at him, then hugging him. It also means that when the child is beginning to spaz, you try to get them to think of something else – as in, “Hey! Is that a cumquat?!” – so they’ll shut the fuck up and you can, for now, resist the urge to hurl your beer at their face.

The other night, when I asked my son to get undressed and into the bathtub, he crossed his arms and shouted at me defiantly: “No!”

“Dude! Get your clothes off and get in the tub. Now!”

“No!”

“Do it, ass!”

When he refused again, I marched over, applied the Vulcan Death Grip to his bicep and spiritedly escorted him to the loo. He was evidently displeased. And just when his screaming reached its eardrum-ripping, eyeglass-fogging, window-shattering apex, Hot Wife appeared.

“Can I have a word with you?” she asked.

“Can it wait? I’m drowning our son.”

I could tell by the look on her face that it could not, so we walked out to the living room together and sat side-by-side on the couch.

“I want to give you some input on how you could have handled that situation a little better,” she said. I immediately began to feel as though I was my son’s big brother and I was getting busted by our mother for something I’d done to him.

“I see.”

“Yes,” Hot Wife continued. “It doesn’t help him to learn if you get into a yes-no-yes-no battle of wills with him. What would work better is if you blah-blah-blah blahblahblah blah blah-blah.”

Was I really hearing this? Was my wife redirecting me to redirect our son?

“Honey?” I said, interrupting her. “This is all really interesting, but the kids are in the bathtub. I feel like I should go check-up on them. Let’s talk later.”

Then, just as I was beginning to walk away, I turned to her, pointed a finger at her and said, “Ha! I just redirected you from redirecting me about redirecting the kids! You got serrrrrrved, bay-bay!”

I didn’t get laid that night.

Comments

Honey, I signed you up to take the class next. You get the intense 10 week version.

Because you NEED it!

You are a HOOT! I linked here from Deborah (I'm a huge fan of hers). I look forward to reading more of your stuff.

:)

Judi

I find that raising kids is a potent combination of reasoning, reverse psychology, and threats.

You can also try locking them out of the house.

I believe it's "kumquat" ;)

Also, I enjoy your blog!

I like to redirect my kids. I generally use a thump to the head. It completely refocuses their attention. Just make sure to avoid those little soft spots or your kid might forget the alphabet or something.

Redirecting? I sure as hell hope that works better than time outs, cause that shit don't work on my kids. I was well behaved when I was a kid due to the fear of a good ass beating.

So beating them with a giant spork ISN'T okay? I was doing that so I wouldn't beat them with a wooden spoon. Damn.

PS and I say this in a total kiss-ass way, this blog is always so freaking funny.

I'm imagining there are many many many nights you don't get laid for similar reasons.....

FYI you (this blog) have come closer to making me wet my pants than anyone else has since I was, oh, say 18 months old.

I use the redirecting thing with my 6 kids all the time, I turn around and redirect myself as far away as I can get from them, usually to somewhere nice that serves cake.

A RUSTY spork? Dude, you've got METAL sporks? We've only got the regular plastic variety spork around these parts. You're so much more high class than us.

Totally off the issue but since i live in so cal too and am originally from florida... THE GATORS WIN!!!!!!

Love the site too...

Dumbass
gatorguy9986.blogspot.com

Tasers work well also, completely focuses their attention.
In all seriousness, how in the fuck are you going to redirect a 3 year old to permantly cease a behavior. When my boy was 3 he only stopped putting his hand in the iguanna cage after several spankings and 2 really hard lashes from the iguannas tail. No matter what I would have said, or how long I would have said it he wouldn't stop.
Now a good welt across the hand because iguannas can be vicious, he stoped.

when nothing else works, you can always show them the buttato. That will def. redirect.

oh, and my spork is titanium. never rusts.

laughed my ass off. Thanks! needed less ass.

You could redirect the boy by telling him that if he doesn't bathe he'll be the stinky kid in the class and no one wants to be the stinky kid. Worked for my brother, could work for your son. Thanks for the laugh, as usual.

I must say.. I really think you are my long lost twin brother. Redirecting??? uumm yeah sure.. kinda like I redirected my foot into the door when my little dude slammed it in my face.. ok so it was my bones that got redirected not my foot exactly.. but you get the point.

That's some funny shit. My mother used to chase us around the house with a baseball bat. Now that was serious redirecting.

Goddamn Gators cost me money. Or should I say your muthafuckin broons did me in. I thought defense won championships.

The only redirecting we do around here is when I redirect my wooden spoon away from their asses and get Hubby and his belt instead.

Kids need more beatings.

Hmm, I took a 16-week parenting class last year and it was all about teaching kids the "moral reason why" when disciplining.

Sometimes, it's hard to come up with a moral reason why a 2-year old boy shouldn't beat his 4-year old sister over the head with her Dora backpack. It's just too entertaining to watch.

do. not. waste. beer.

Thanks for the pic of the Buttato, wondersis! DGM, I love the blog, it has me laughing all the time!

Wondersis, that buttato is hilarious.
And gross. And awesome.

As the Dad of 3 boys all older than your kids, I have to say been there, I don't need advice on how to redirect, I just want them to listen, your blog keeps me laughing all the time. Keep it up!(wait that doesn't sound right) I agree do not waste beer

Ha! I told Hubby if I ever start speaking the "I FEEL" language, to just shoot me.

Redirecting comes in really handy when the kids have gotten into your little stash of *marital aids* and want to know why the little bottle of "lotion" is cherry flavored. Just sayin'...

The 4 yr old boy recently bit the 9 year old girl's finger. She had stuck it in his face to shush him. I called it a tie and told both of 'em that they weren't getting any sympathy from me. I don't really think that is redirecting so much as refereeing and awarding both teams penalties.

And sometimes it takes the logical parent to balance the "Let's beat them into submission" one in order to keep the kids alive until adulthood. I'm just sayin'.....

i will not let my husband read this post as one of my fav. things is to be the smarty pants know it all parent... he humors me, but this post could really wreck my game...

you make me laugh out loud!

and, i gave my daughter cookies for breakfast today because mommy's eyelashes hurt today so sure, cookies are good for breakfast ...

watch for me on one of those nanny shows ...

I just beat my kids, it's faster, cheaper, and a hell of a lot easier than classes.
Oh yeah, and it WORKS.

Alrighty then - Since I apparently am doing this wrong - I am sending my kids to your house...and you can re-direct all you want... let me know how it goes...ha ha ha ha ha (in my best wicked witch of the west laugh)

Fantastagirl, thanks for the offer but there is a reason DGM had a vasectomy... we don't want more children. But I'll let you know how it's working.

oh that was great, I peed a little while I was giggling.

In my previous life I was a special ed teacher. Time-outs don't work, and re-directing is not always the answer. Try www.awareparenting.com and www.activeparenting.com

Also, it was highly inappropriate for Hot Wife to "reprimand" you in front of the kids. If she would have done that in the workplace, it would have been deemed unacceptable as much as a "dial and dump."

I had a shitty day. I am braking Lent by drinking beer. Cheap beer. I just put the buttato up as my wallpaper. Grounding doesn't work. Sarcasm doesn't work, but it makes ME feel better.
Thank God for cats, is all I can say.
Somebody, help?

Okay, seriously?

Best.
Post.
EVAH!!!

"Do it, ass!"

I'm still choking on my own phlegm from laughing.

CP.

Ha! Wondersis got the buttato on your blog! It was TOTALLY funny too. I want to pinch it's spudly cheeks. Your blog often redirects me from work I should be doing.

"I didn’t get laid that night."

I doubt you did. In fact, I doubt that you will for a while. Remember -

- Rule 1:
WOMEN ARE ALWAYS RIGHT

Rule 2:
WHEN WOMEN ARE WRONG, REFER TO RULE 1...

A lesson well learned.

;-)

Dude, you are hilarious! I am laughing so hard right now. Thanks for brightening my day!

Love the buttato, wondersis!

I learned everything I ever needed to know from the Rocky Horror Picture Show. Seriously. Do you know how effective the line: "I MADE you and I can BREAK you just as easily" works on a 3 year old?

Of course, I have 4 under 5 and generally follow Helen's rule: I stay as far away from the wee hellions as possible. I only get up for blood or flames.

-Blue

Yea, all that redirecting and timeout talk....forget it...nothing put me in line better as a kid then a nice kick in the ass, or swat as it were. When my dad spoke, we listened...because he would kick our asses if we didn't....not put us in a chair and tell us to sit there for 20 minutes.

- Jon
- Daddy Detective
- www.daddydetective.com

If you look at the buttato from just the right angle, you could really call it a boobtato.

You mean that there really isn't a monster under my bed? It's just a trick my parents used to use on me to get me to get me to do what they said?
Pffft. I feel jipped.

Tell Hot Wife that lays are not relationship currency. She doesn't get to withold lays just because you won.

Everybody needs more lays.

I do the redirecting thing and I think my kids are catching on, unfortunately. So, it sometimes works when Child No. 3 is melting down to say "look at the train hitting the cow!" But, not always. She's on to me.

Pret-tay fun-nay!!