We made the trek south to San Diego yesterday for old-ass Aunt Diga’s 40th birthday extravaganza, stopping first at The World Famous San Diego Zoo (we know without doubt that it’s “world famous” because there are signs at every turn welcoming one and all to “The World Famous San Diego Zoo”).

The first few hours of our visit were fairly standard zoo faire – overpriced food, the rank odor of a shit-covered petting zoo, elephant poops the size of a Ford Focus, and horror over the rate of obesity and toothlessness and NASCAR-inspired casualwear on display in large public places. It’s like Wal-Mart, really. Same smell, same acreage, same clientele. It’s just that there’s no roof.

Our fortunes changed when the 3 p.m. wild animal show began. For some reason, my son was determined to sit in the front row, believing perhaps that such close proximity would be rewarded with a souvenir bird shit or a The World Famous San Diego Zoo t-shirt or a chance to feed dead squid and mackerel hash to a whiskery sea lion. Sadly for my son, there was no such gift.

Although he did almost get mauled and eaten by a cheetah.

After the birds and the sea lion made their appearances, the M.C. quieted the crowd and spoke into his microphone in a serious, concerned, wary tone. His words were something to the effect of, “Everyone please take a seat and sit your fat asses completely still because we are about to bring out one of the fiercest predators in all the world. This animal, which will kill you if you fuck with it, is not on display in the main part of The World Famous San Diego Zoo because it is an instinctive assassin and, well, I’m sure you all read about that bus-load of kindergartners who were shredded limb-from-limb by this animal because they were taunting it with their goldfish crackers. So please: sit down. And don’t. Move. A muscle.”

With that, a door opens at stage left and out prances an absolutely spectacular cheetah. Its blonde, female handler is waltzing it across the stage and the M.C. is describing how the animal can run as fast as 70 miles per hour and all the while I’m thinking “Keep that pussy away from my son, who is in the front row and, to my knowledge, cannot run 71 miles per hour, which is what he would need to escape with his life in the event that the cheetah goes all Son of Sam and shit.”

To my chagrin, just as the handler gets the cat RIGHT IN FRONT OF MY PRECIOUS FIVE-YEAR-OLD SON, some dipshit in the very last row of the amphitheatre decides to stand up and go get a churro. The cheetah sees this person moving and locks on to him, as if he’s a wild antelope, better known to the cheetah as LUNCHTIME! The crowd gasps. My shorts suddenly become warm and stinky. The handler sees this idiot moving, turns the cheetah’s head away from the crowd and wraps the black rope leash around her wrist one more time, as if that skinny little bitch’s arm is enough to keep that cat from leaping over the fence, soaring up the steps and pouncing on the churro-eating tourist in two seconds flat.

I feel like I’m a kid, at home in parents’ living room, watching Mutual of Omaha’s Wild Kingdom, like we did every Sunday night in my youth. I envision this beautiful animal bounding through the jungle and lurching at a fleeing hyena or something. It tackles it, straddles it and takes out its larynx with one gruesome bite. If I was at this moment watching this on television, it would be bitchen. But since it’s all happening within five feet of my son, it is decidedly unbitchen. In fact, on the unbitchen scale of 1 to 10, this is a hard, solid 10.

The M.C. admonishes the churro-hungry tourist to stand still, lest the cheetah bound up the steps and eat his churro-clogged liver with some fava beans and a nice chianti. The M.C. does this politely, as is protocol at The World Famous San Diego Zoo when dealing with a visitor who endangers the lives of hundreds of people. I, however, am not an employee, and my son is in the path of the killer pussy, and my communication is therefore a pinch less accommodating.

“SIT THE FUCK DOWN, ASSHOLE!” I shout.

Long story short: Churro Man sat down, the cheetah chilled and we all made it out alive. When the show was over, I knelt down to hug my son and told him how glad I was that he was alive and that his larynx was still intact.

Then he said, “Daddy, can I get a churro?”

Comments

Unbitchen is officially added to my lexicon.

O wow what an ordeal. I hope there was a special stand selling shorts to dads with young children in the front row. That way the rest of your day wouldn't be warm and stinky. At least not in your shorts.

These stories about the champ getting into these predicaments stress me out to the point of rethinking having my own kids one day.
Nonetheless, your writing is still amazing.

Holy crap (that's what was making your shorts warm and sticky, wasn't it?)! Thank god the handler had a leash and wrapped it around her wrist for extra stability. THAT sure seems like it would make a big damn difference to the huge, 0%-body-fat-and-therefore-all-muscle wild animal.

Please, PLEASE tell me that you really yelled that.

Also, I see that Amalah linked you on Club Mom: http://blogs.clubmom.com/daily_dose/2006/05/father_friday.html

You people who think that the survival of your too numerous offspring is somehow more important than the entertainment of the rest of the audience leave me speechless.

Bitchen? I thought it was bitchin'. Ah, what do I know? More importantly, that story was awesome - and if you really did say "Sit the fuck down, asshole!" to that guy, you're my new hero.

That Wal-Martish atmosphere you experienced? My wife describes it as "The Six Flags" feeling. You know, you're walking around enjoying yourself and suddenly realize that you're the classiest person you see.

We missed the wild animal show at the WFSDZ when we were there. I have seen them exercise cheetahs at the National Zoo in DC. Those things fly. Your kid was lucky he wasn't the springboard for the cheetah launch.

We did see at the WFSDZ a cheesy low-budget Cirque De Soleil rip-off featuring Chinese peasants doing anatomically impossible things. Fully clothed, you pervs.

I find it hard to imagine that cheetah would have wanted the tiny snack your champ would have provided when it could have had any number of fatening junk food items there for the taking in the audience.

You've got that "over reacting" gene strong and hard, brother. Seriously.

I'm a new reader. I would like to say two things:

1. I have been to the alleged World Famous San Diego Zoo.

2. I agree, it's like Wal-Mart, only with far more well behaved employees. And I'm referring to the animals, here.

Your story is quite funny. I'm glad I meandered by. Mind if I "blogroll" you?

I'm a new reader. I would like to say two things:

1. I have been to the alleged World Famous San Diego Zoo.

2. I agree, it's like Wal-Mart, only with far more well behaved employees. And I'm referring to the animals, here.

Your story is quite funny. I'm glad I meandered by. Mind if I "blogroll" you?

I was JUST at the "World Famous" Wild Animal Park last weekend in San Diego. As soon as we arrived at the park we boarded the train that circles the park & stops at all the enclosures. Our train, (I shit you not,) BROKE DOWN and came to a complete halt on a suspension bridge that hung over the lion enclosure on one side and tiger on the other. The guy in front of us starts humming the tune to Jurassic Park...

We hung there for 15 minutes til they got the train going again. And we didn't even get a free t-shirt!

Your son doesn't need to run 71 MPH. He only needs to run faster than the people around him.

That guy? In the back row? Indeed an asshole, but I would defy Chuck Norris himself for a churro.

old ass and 40th in the same sentence? oh you'll be there soon enough buddy. rofl

DGM, the only thing you remember about the whole day is your son almost being mauled by a cheetah. How selfish of you! Why didn't you tell the internet the story about the guy getting busted by the bus driver for trying to wake up the sleeping bear? Thanks for the iPod!

Tushy rashes are common. Any kid can get lost at a ballpark. But if you let your progeny get eaten by a f-in cheetah, you're really dropping the ball somewhere.

Here's hoping next week goes a little better for the Champ.

OH MY GOD!!! That cheetah episode of wild kingdom brought on the first nightmare I ever had. Apparently, it also brought on the first episode of screaming in terror in my sleep because I don't remember it but I do remember my mother comforting me and it was the only time EVER she did that. Thanks a lot. I'll probably relive the whole nightmare bit now.

Ah yes.... the innocence of a child. When confronted with a life threatening incident, we want a snack and act like nothing happened. Haha!

I laughed out loud at unbitchen and then again at killer pussy. omg it's even funny to type it!

glad you all made it out alive.

I'm a new reader here...the Champ seems to get into some really funny situations (that must make you nuts as a father). I can't wait for the time when I have a little bundle of joy that strolls off in the mall and ends up in Victoria's Secret, peeking under the stalls in the changing rooms...

Anywho...So the San Diego Zoo is like Wal-Mart? Damn...the Philly zoo is like...well, Philly...only the visitors aren't on the correct side of the cages...

Just think, all of the other people at the zoo (and at Wal-Mart) are probably thinking the same thing about YOU. It's kind of depressing. When I go to a zoo or amusement park (or Wal-Mart, for that matter), assign a point system for people-watching. Top of the list is pregnant woman in a tube top, miniskirt, flip-flops, with a cigarette. 100 points.

And don't worry so much about the cheetah. Siegfried and Roy have been working with wild animals for years, and they've been fine.

That was you? Damn, I was just needing a little snack...

What's a churro? Is that something like a Jewish burrito?

yup, decidedly unbitchen. but bitchen funny post. thanks for the laugh!

Okay, if you indeed yelled that at that asshole, that is the Most Awesome Thing Ever.

I took away from this post the importance of protecting my son from killer pussy.

winkey, seriously? sad, sad, sad. It's a mexican, fried, cinnamon sugar piece of nasty deliciousness. look here

somehow, that got screwed up. I meant to point you to wikipedia's page for churros. Look it up. Then have one. Yum.

somehow, that got screwed up. I meant to point you to wikipedia's page for churros. Look it up. Then have one. Yum.

somehow, that got screwed up. I meant to point you to wikipedia's page for churros. Look it up. Then have one. Yum.

Wondersis-inlaw, I was wondering how DGM got five new comments so quickly. Now I know.

Winkey, where are you from that you don't know what a churro is and you think it sounds like a Jewish food?

What kind of food do Jewish people eat?

DGM: Vicus Scurra pointed you out and I have to say that I greatly enjoyed your story. I remember watching Mutual of Omaha's Wild Kingdom every Sunday too, but then I am much older-assed than even Aunt Diga. I didn't watch that show for the wild animals but for the hunky guy whose name I just forgot that used to bare-arm wrestle the antelopes to the ground. Yum! Better than churros...

I've never seen or eaten a churro, I think I've heard of them, though. I live in Philadelphia, and it sounds Jewish to me if I think about it. Think challa bread