Since my youth, my nose has been a fairly consistent source of hardship. It is somewhat large and somewhat crooked and I think I’ve already told you about the time I put a rock up there, just to see if it would fit, and it got stuck and I cried, in part because the rock was stuck up there and in part because I really don’t think a nose should be cavernous enough to hold an entire rock. As my mother was applying softened butter to the inside of my nostrils in her attempt to dislodge the rock, I blubbered aloud: “I! Am not! An ANNNIIIMMAAAAAALLLLLL!”

All throughout my adolescence, I endured teasing and ridicule and repeated references to the Monty Python scene where one guy calls the other “Big Nose” and then denies doing so. And now, at the ripe old age of 36, I have finally come to terms with my schnoz. It’s part of me. It’s who I am. And any Assclown® who dares make an off-handed comment about it? Well, I just pinch-off one nostril and fire-off a snot rocket so voluminous that it puts the army’s “bunker buster” bombs to shame, and the offending person learns not to bother me about my nose anymore.

In recent years, however, my nose has become less a body part to be defended as one I must defend myself against. The problem is hair. Nose hair. Long, coarse, curly, stubborn, occasionally gray hair that grows like dandelions in there, tickling the inside of my nose and, on occasion, peeking out from a nostril and causing me to look like a fucking caveman. People will be speak to me and then, in mid-sentence, stop and squint and peer right at my nose.

“Is there a rat in your nose?” they ask.

“A rat?” I ask. “No. Why?”

“Yes. It’s definitely a rat. I see his tail sticking out of your right nostril. Eww.”

I then do that thing where you pinch your nose between your thumb and forefinger and slide all the way down, hoping to pick up any offending substances, and then I realize that my friend has mistaken one of my peek-a-booing nose hairs for a rat tail.

I have tried on many occasions to pluck these hairs with my fingers. This is often a failure on two fronts. First I yank at the hair, which hurts and makes my eyes water and sometimes makes me pee a little in my boxer briefs, and then it just straightens the hair so it sticks out farther from my nose, giving the appearance that the rat has become a possum. Or perhaps an anaconda.

(Just so you know, ladies: my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun.)

I recently found a device specially created to trim nose hair. Hallelujah! It’s small – about the size of my thumb – and the business end of it looks a little like a crown. The directions say to stick it up there where only rats dare to tread, turn it on and let it go to work. It’s like a wee little weed whacker.

Except deadlier.

Last night I did what the directions said to do (when sticking things up one’s nose, I’ve found it wise not to freestyle), but the goddamn thing didn’t work right. Oh, it cut the hairs alright. But when I accidentally let it rub up against the inside of my right nostril, it drilled right through the skin, right through the flesh, and made me a nice little skylight for my nose.

Blood and skin and snot and little hairs flew everywhere. My eyes watered. My undies moistened. And I chucked the wee weed whacker against the wall, shattering it like the piece of misguided technology it is.

This morning, I removed the gauze from inside my nose and was relieved to find that the bleeding had stopped and that the hole in my nostril was the perfect size to hold my toothbrush when I rinse. Sweet.

Comments

That was the funniest story ever! Sorry about the nose pain.

ok. i started laughing when i got to 'blood and skin and snot and little hairs flew everywhere'. thanks for the pick me up........my day has been pretty dull so far. thank god for my daily dose of DGM!

I recommend buying one of those little hair trimmers advertised everywhere. You know the one where the lady uses it against a balloon and the balloon doesn't pop because the trimmer is so "gentle," and yet it can remove arm hair from an old Italian guy? Those things are cool. My husband has one for his nose hair, and he's got a sizeable nose. And by "sizeable" I mean "Cyrano."

I also recommend not plucking your nose hair because my dad knew this guy who died because he plucked a nose hair, the plucked spot got infected and the infection spread to his brain and he died in two days.

I feel bad for laughing.

I do have one question though... have you ever considered a manicure scissors? Wouldn't that do the job???

I have no room to talk though. I can leave the house with a chinline that is smooth and hairless and then visit the restroom later only to see a 1" black hair coming straight out my chin. Chin hairs and nose hairs must grow freakishly fast, I'd guess.

Jay Leno made the mistake of trying out one of those nose hair pullers (calling it a trimmer is false advertising) on air. This one shaped and colored like a finger. His reaction was similar to yours - the offending digit went flying off-stage at ballistic velocity. Don't know if he wet his boxers, but I wouldn't be surprised.

That is the funniest shit I've read in a while...I was doubled over with laughter (I think I may have peed a bit myself) and unsuccessfully trying keep myself quiet only to find a crowd was beginning to gather in the door way of my cube...what the hell this post is too good not to share! RWB

me goy one thinh yo say..............HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAH

newfieswomam

It's very difficult to type when you are doubled over laughing.

Perhaps the directions on that little thing should have told you not to try it unless you want to upgrade to the three nostril look!

Reading about you launching a snot-rocket got me giggling. The rat tail and anaconda had me laughing my butt off. Then reading about the attempt at using the little weed wacker and making a skylight for your nose had me rolling. Then when things started flying, my ice water came spewing out my nose! BWAHAHAHA!!!! This - this is why your book will be a best seller. Thanks for making my afternoon brighter. I will probably be giggling about that the rest of the day.

I got my husband one of those nose wackers last year. He says good old tweezers still work best and are not so risky! ouch!

I am getting the feeling that like children, you shouldn't be left to your own devices.

I would have been the kind of wife to sit on the potty and watch, all while laughing till my sides ached.

You need an electric nose/ear hair trimmer. I got one at WalMart for about twenty bucks. That is the most soul-deadening sentence I have ever written. I never thought I would need such a contraption.

One day I was at a meeting and an old geezer had ear hair so long you could braid it and tie it into pigtails like Pippi Longstocking. I swore that would never be me.

Just bite bullet, admit you're old, and get a battery operated personal grooming appliance. They sound just like a vibrator if that helps your ego any.

The anaconda comment was my favorite part of that entry.

Yeah...you can use that for all kinds of unwanted body hair...nose, ears, pubes...you could trim down the pubes with your electric razor and then make little polka dots with the nose hair trimmer...you could write connect-the-dots messages for Hot Wife...crop circles and the like. It'll be great.

Pluck them you girl! Try eyebrow hair, ouch. Bikini waxing? You have no idea!

OMG, I am laughing so hard at this post! Maybe you should get a nice diamond stud to stick in your nose now? You'd be SO hip. HA!

I was reading this on bloglines, and actually thought I was reading Dooce. I thought she'd become remarkably candid.

OMG that is the funniest thing I have ever read!!! Thank you, thank you, thank you for making my Thursday morning!!
Oh, and I'm sorry you went through such pain, but thanks for sharing it with us!

That sounds painful. You should have HotWife pamper you because of your horrible new injury.

I got Hubby a pair of tweezers. Then I bought him a nifty battery operated nose/ear hair trimmer. I still cannot get him to remove the offending wigs. Why? Why be so attached to a snot covered hair?

I have found that a good razor can be the most effective tool in controlling those little runaways that spring from my nostrils. Just lift the outter rim of your nostril up and what ever hairs poke out, zap them with your razor. That seems to keep the little buggers at bay for a while.

I am laughing so hard that I'm in tears and I think I may have peed a little!! I'm not laughing at your pain, mind you, just that you are so damned funny!

STOP....I can't breathe...I'm laughing too hard!
You are TOO funny!!!!

I was thinking about buying one of these things for my hubby. Now I'm thinking twice. Thanks for the chuckle, DGM!

Dude. Again? FREAK!

Did you try the maverick?

Ouch. If you'd stop doing meth, your nostril lining tissue would not be so fragile.

That is one of the funniest things I have ever read, now I don't feel so bad that I shaved my bangs off with a beard trimmer thinking it was if "you can comb it you can cut" cutter. Yeah, the world is right again!

one word: nailclippers.

i couldnt stop laughing while i read this, but i feel guilty for laughing. That couldnt have felt good, but still, funny.

just a thought to all you pants-pee-ers out there ~ KEGELS, with Cones if necessary ~ cuts down on the pee episodes, you can still guffaw healthily, and it improves the squeeeeeezzee power during those intimate moments. :-D

and as for you DGM ~ may I congratulate you on your new toothbrush rest ~ however, I reccomend a vigorous rinse after brushing and before hanging up the toothbrush, or that hint of minty freshness may cause a little spastic reaction upon contact. Also, nose skylighting went out in the early 90's, now it's ear skylighting, sheesh. Gotta get a ring that stretches your ear lobe to a 40mm diameter. I guess you COULD get all innovative and apply said lobe-stretcher to the nostril skylight, maybe pane it in with some plexiglass, add shades, maybe a windshield wiper......start a new fad...~ just a thought ~ ;-D

OMG, the tears were rolling down my cheeks and my nose started running...either sympathy or allergies, not sure LOL

That is fucking sick. Methinks your nostrils need electrolysis.

This is the first one that I just couldn't read. I'm not a softie, but hoo boy, too much.

I am soooooo sorry.. but I laughed.. at you my friend.. so not with you.. at you.
I feel horrible about it now (as tears are running down my cheeks from the intense laughing)

YIKES!!! I hate it how I always sneeze when I have to pull a nosehair (or get to one of those nasty little whiteheads that lurk just inside the nostril)...Drives me crazy.

Whatever you do, don't squirt lighter fluid up your nose and light it. It tends to sting a little bit. And it doesn't produce the "fire breathing dragon" effect either.

AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

Am.So.Grossed.Out.Now.

your posts are better than sex... well, better than chocolate, anyway.

I feel your pain...there are times when I'm sitting at my desk, and all of a sudden, I go realize I have a giant nose hair sticking out. What to do, what to do? I have a Leatherman in my desk that comes in handy in that situation!

My little brother, though...damn, he's got a big nose. He's a very good looking kid (He's 16) and he's always swarmed with girls, but his nose is gargantuan! When he was in middle school, he used to get picked on alot because of it. One day, he laid some kid out for making fun of him. Now, the only people that make fun of it are me and my family. Otherwise, its off-limits unless you want your ass beat!

Do like us nose hair champions do....snort Nair.

Funny story...but not really sure if you have the right (even in jest) to copyright the word Assclown:D

And to think I would sit and enjoy my lunch while catching up on blogs!

Argh!

Damn nosehairs!

My brothers refer to themselves as "The Rastafarian Nose Hair Brothers" so they feel your pain.
Great blog - thanks for all the laughs

Oh funny story!! Please never stop blogging. And please live forEVER. My sides are hurting !! Still hurting*** A LOT!!!****

I know it sounds painful, but needle-nose pliers are the way to go. They get a good grip, it's over fast, and they come out in clumps. Trust me. I do it once a month or so.

oh crikey, I am laughing so hard I'm sneezing over here! Misterpie occasionally likens his to party favours, but his approach is to pluck with fingers. He says only he can do it though, as if your grip is not adequate, you just pull it, which he claims hurts more than actually removing it.

Didn't you know that nose hair is the longest in the body? When you pull it in your nostril you can feel the pain in your ass...

I think there is medication for what you have

Danny,

You gotta stop crying and be a man.

I wait until the family is safely tucked in bed and curl up on the couch with a good episode of "Modern Marvels" and just start yanking.

Sure you can use tweezers, but yanking them by hand is where the real satisfaction lies. It adds a dimesion of chance that you just don't get with tweezers.

Does it hurt? Hell YES! It hurts like a bitch. Makes me cry and makes my nose all runny. But it does take a while for 'em to grow back.

priceless images...
fabulous post, don't think i've laughed so much in a while.

hope the skylight closes up soon :-)

Don't pluck your nose hairs!I mistakingly went on a rampage to pluck every hair from my nose. By doing so I removed needed hairs. I also opened the pores and made them vulnerable to bacteria. All and all I ended up with a sinus infection (so far 2 weeks). and plugged ears for a couple days everytime i get on a plane. It was the worst idea ever!!!!!!

Cool dude.However seriously I am thinking of one episode in some TV program where they show that some of the Arab/African country,the barber/salon man uses flaming cotton swaps on the stick ends to just touch and go fast on the ear lobes,by almost touching them fast and be away.Risku business,I guess,but only a pro can do that.That burns all the protruding hair from the ear lobes for sure.

I use a tweezer and literally pull every hair out of nose

Do NOT, I repeat, DO NOT pluck them damn nosehairs! (the rat in your nose line was hysterical) I did, and yes, I got an infection. Usually, it turns into a little nose-zit, which can be lanced, drained, popped, etc like any other zit from your teens.
Yeah, but this time,I guess my immune system was down due to lack of sleep, stress, and other things, well, anyway-I developed cellulitus.No, it's not cottage cheeze butt like your ex's. That's cellulite. This is an infection that spreads and can cause death. Yes death.
In two days, my face swelled so that I looked like a cabbage patch kid.The doctor gave me an injection of antibiotics and an oral to take. She said if it didn't improve in two days, she would have me admitted to the hospital. Luckily, it got better.

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I bought a badger hair shaving brush for my Dad's birthday (he asked for one) and I thought, "Where do they get these badger hairs from?".Obviously from a badger. I haven't ever seen or heard of a badger farm or badger hunters and I wondered whether they might use road kill?!??!!!??!!? hmmmmmmm intriguing.