Scream
There is no delicate or tactful way to say this, so I’ll just say it:
I haven’t pooped in four days.
I have no explanation why my colon has decided to go on strike, but the cause is really of secondary importance to me. By the time I got home from work last night, I was feeling bloated and uncomfortable and probably a little like Violet Beauregard felt when she ignored Willy Wonka’s warning and ate that chewing gum that tasted like roast beef and blueberry pie, which caused her body to swell-up like a big ball. My gut felt like I’d swallowed a medicine ball, and I expected that any minute I would be swarmed by flies and have Sally Strothers standing over me and pleading with the viewers at home to send money.
It was time for evasive action. I dragged my sorry carcass out to the car and shuttled myself over to the drugstore to buy, for the first time in my life, an enema. This is one of the most humbling experiences one can possibly endure – certainly the kind of occasion where one must load his cart with a half-dozen other items so as to distract the cashier and one’s fellow shoppers from the item that may as well be a giant flashing neon sign that says, “Hey! Over here! This guy can’t crap! He’s going to squirt some water up his ass!” So in addition to my two-pack of Fleet enemas (better value), I bought a little sewing kit and a new toothbrush and some gum.
I have mentioned before that I live in a very tight-knit neighborhood. This is usually a good thing, but when one is coming home from the drugstore with a two-pack of something that looks like a beer can with a hard-on – something you squirt into your shitpipe – one would prefer to do so anonymously, stealthy and as quickly as possible. But alas, the moment I stepped out of my car, there was Angry Neighbor Jimbo. He was standing across the street and walking slowly toward me.
“Hey!” he yelled.
“Hey!” I avoided making eye contact and started walking toward my front door.
“Where ya goin’?” he asked, sounding somewhat hurt that I was ignoring him. “Come here.”
(A pause here to remind you that Jimbo has liver cancer and has been told by his doctors that he has roughly six months to live. It’s difficult to say which hurts more – four days worth of stored-up shit or walking away from a dying friend because you don’t want him to see that you’re holding enemas.)
I’m trapped. I tuck the translucent plastic bag under my shirt, turn and walk toward Jimbo. He reaches out his hand to shake mine, and as I extend my own hand, the bag shifts a little bit and I almost drop it.
“What’s in the bag?” Jimbo asks.
“Nuthin’. Just some toiletries.” As I say that word – toiletries – I feel it mocking me. O, how I wish that my toilet and I had a better relationship right now. I long to feel its cold porcelain touch on my buttcheeks.
“Toiletries?” Jimbo says. “Why would you be hiding toiletries under your shirt like that? You go some suppositories in there or something?”
“Yeah, right,” I say, rolling my eyes and chuckling. “Suppositories. Good one.”
We stand there talking for a few minutes, chatting about how the Angels just aren’t hitting the baseball right now and how my house really needs a coat of paint, and all the while my bag of cornhole cleanser stays under my shirt. Jimbo keeps looking down at it. He suspects something. Then, in an inopportune moment of silence, my intestines omit a long, slow, loud groan that is audible for blocks. It sounds like my asshole is screaming.
“What the fuck was that?!” Jimbo says, staring right at my gut.
“OK, look,” I say. “I didn’t want to share this with you but I haven’t taken a dump in four days. My gut hurts like hell so I just went over and bought these.” And I pull out the plastic bag and show him the enemas.
Jimbo’s nose curls up like he’s just smelled some really sour milk. It’s the face I think I’ll be making when I finally reap the benefits of what’s in that box.
“Do you stick that in your asshole?” he asks.
“Yeah, unless you want to do it for me,” I say.
And then Jimbo turned and went home, leaving me there in the middle of the street with my enemas and my fractured pride and my screaming asshole.
That was too fucking funny.
Did the enema work?
best wihes to your tush!
wishes*
Ahem.
I.....I blame the keyboard. The S sticks!
Damn Keyboard.
I think I just swallowed my gum! LMAO The "ass screaming" has my son asking me "What's so funny mom?"
Wow, that is stupendously funny. Only an enema would make a man with cancer react like that. Hope it went well.
Oh that is just humility at it's finest.
Hope everything came out well in the end. Ha! I crack myself up...
have you thought about maybe adding some green leafies to your diet? Or maybe some whole grains? A lovely ripe peach?
Much less embarassing to bring home from the store...
Just so you know, my husband and I would never make fun of you for buying a two pack. However, we still tell everyone we meet about the couple we stood behind in Costco a few years back who had one of those big flat carts piled high with RED MEAT and Fleet brand enemas. NOTHING ELSE. His bill was in the $800 range, and hubby counted at least 200 little enema boxes. (Holy shit, what if they were two packs! Never crossed my mind before.) And then, because he can't help himself, my dear life partner said, LOUDLY "Hey, let's go party with him!" Fun times...
Prunes.
You crack my shit up- and since I'm in GI, bravo to you. Poop humor, gotta love it. I'm a new convert to your website and am in love with you, hotwife, wondersis, BBF, etc...
Now onto your intestinal health- up your fiber, eat your greens, pop some prunes and try to add yogurt to your daily diet. You'll feel better and won't have to stalk through the neighborhood like an addict.
You like to go the difficult route, don't you? A little pill called Dulcolax will set you straight overnight. You might want to consider that option first before putting things IN the Out Door.
I just found your site like a week ago and I am totally hooked. It's like Howard Stern crossed with Opie and Anthony uncensored. I even refered my non-blog reading dad and he is hooked! Bravo.
I just hope you cleared up the poo situation BEFORE you took the time to sit and blog about it. Good luck, and May the force be with you young padawan.
At our house, we have a lovely beverage we like to call Poopy Tea. It's green tea with a mild laxative in it. I highly recommend it. Hope it all works out for you!
Dude, I'm not much for sticking things up the chute, but I'm all in favor of using the quick drug approach rather than modifying an unhealthy lifestyle. And if that means giving yourself the sit and squirt rather than eating a vegetable, so be it. Or you can find something even more unhealthy that'll make ou shit, like chewing tobacco or going to prison.
And please write something about the experience. My friend had the same problem, did the same thing, and said a whole loaf of pumpernickel came crashing out.
Oh sweet baby jesus, that is some funny stuff! I hope everything works out for you. I can't imagine ever purchasing one of those. You're brave.
Forget the fiber and good diet crap. MET A MU CIL!!! It's CRAP TAC U LAR! Pop a few everyday and eat anything you want! Just a crap a day is all I ask.
OMG!!
DGM, I LOVE you! You have just made my day worthwhile!!!
Thank you, thank you, thank you for sharing that with us!
First, we've all been there. at least, I have!
Second - psyllium husk powder, in pill form. Google it, buy a bottle from the internet, that's the cheapest way. Some folks say metamucil is key, but swallowing that crap is nasty. This is pretty much the same thing, only in pill form. I can handle taking a pill. I can't handle drinking all that gelatinous gooey grossness.
Third, for "oh crap it's been a few days and I need to take a shit" - try "smooth move" tea. drink it at night, poop the next morning. It's awesome.
Now that I've ruined all impressions that I am a lady, I shall skedaddle! Love the story! Good luck on the pooper!
the best tasting solution is a large handfull of sugarless jellybeans. of course *I* had to learn that the hard way.
YO! RIOT! YO! I don't want to give you any important details of my life but there is no way I would enima crash the pumpernickel bread out of me!! Definately need a report back on what was creating the blockage. All I have to say is visit the Chineses buffet once every week in between lunch and dinner...when no one is really there and they don't change out the food that often. Just make sure you are home within an hour after the first fork full!!
Next time it happens, write a blog entry with your eyes closed. Then open them and read it.
You might just crap yourself laughing.
All I have to do when a rare thing happens like that is drink a glass off milk. Ever had that feeling as the poop was coming out that it took a wrong turn and was trying to come out of your skin, like that penis mouth thing that teenage boys to to incinuate a bj? Not that I have, just asking.
raisin bran.
Guess you're going to have to eat the peas now, buddy bird.
Actually, if I had seen you in the store, I would have thought that you were getting ready for hours and hours and hours of hot, 'alternative' relations.
Four days? I scoff at your four days. Try 10. Yeah that's right, I said 10. And then I shit a tree trunk. Wish I'd taken a picture. Good times.
TO TO funny.............. 4 days???// is that all?????????? try goin a 10 days an endin up in the hosiptal an the nurses at the admittin desk thinkin yer preggie after hasin yer uturus removed........LMAO........but me feels for ya............me gets that all the time an no's how ya feels.........maybe next time just buy the over the counter consipation pills an take oh 4.......me know it more than it say on the box........work better than a enema an less embarrassin........sorry for this ROTFLMAO
newfieswoman
is NewfiesWoman a pirate in disguise?
ya know, you could always ask Dooce her advice. She's got the same problem but all the time, of course, you knew that already. Good luck with the poop chute
Why didn't you just drink some milk? You've told us before that you're lactose intolerant!
I just hope it only took one of the 2 pack and that some very inappropriate time one of the DGM wee one's come wandering out of the facilities holding it mid-air screaming "MOOMMMMM, HEY MOMMMMMM...Wan't this thing for???" When about 20 of your closest friends are hanging out at your place.
LOL I'm sorry to laugh, but that really is freakin' hilarious!!! I hope you at least got some relief.
Yes, we have all been there unfortunately.
My recommendation is harsh, but it worked for me last time:
bran flakes with a milk of magnesia chaser
Make sure there is a clear path to the restroom. Took me 24 hours to get there, but once I arrived, there was no looking back.
Still laughing at your post.
Poor guy! don't use enema's....eat metamucil apple cinnamon cookies. They don't taste like oreo's but they really work! You can eat them while you are on the toilet and they make you go that quickly without have to stick anything in your ass.
Look pal, if enemas would have helped my Rangers avoid losing to the worse team in all of baseball (t-ball included), I would have been proud to shlep the couple of cases of Fleet from Costco to the club house. Up 11-4 in the 3rd and we fuckin' lose to KC?
Free enemas for a pitcher worth his stuff. I ain't proud, I'm just saying....
Oh ... sheesh ... that was so funny my head hurts now. Thanks ALOT!
Oh nooooooo! DGM, my gut-felt sympathies go out to you! Been there done that, though it's been many a year since I had to take the invasive (rather than "evasive"--lol) approach. There's nothing like the quick fix when things have gone TOO DAMN FAR for anything else. I hope everything came out okay for you!
Push, push. Squish, squish. Oh what a relief it is! Congratulations, you joined the fleet. You're a Hershey squirt sailor, now. Well, I gotta go (oopps, sorry, no pun intended ; ) Loved the post. Keep 'em comin' real regular like, at least more than every four days. Sorry to laugh at your misery but thanks for the giggles.
must be something about 35 yr olds. 3 days and nothing. and wondersis? the last thing i ate before the reverse butt plug was veggies. sometimes they can hurt you.
Aw, DGM... I'm touched by your concern for your friend with cancer.
Everyone had great suggestions to help out with the poop problem.
I'm awaiting an update on how everything "came out."
Maybe that spin in the dryer hurt something internal.
This post is too freakin' funny! I would be going the pill or veggie route on this. Exit Only at that end for me.
I realize I should not laugh. And, believe me, I'm trying for your sake. But that's one damn funny post.
I really do hope it all works out for you in the end (no pun intended; I don't think).
I cannot for the life of me figure out why so many people think "#2 humor" is so funny. I find it very disgusting. But what is worse is that the God-forsaken readers of this blog are treating DGM like he's the funniest writer in the world, while everyone treated me like I was a fucking psychopath when I wanted DGM to post naked (or at least highly revealing) pictures of WonderSis/SparkleSis. Don't mean to rain on your parade everyone, but enema humor is: (1) really offensive, and (2) not at all funny. Writing Blog comedy involving incest themes is a much higher art form.
Signed,
Pissed Off in Peoria
I need to know GK's identity, cuz I just blew coffee all over my keyboard & it's all GK's fault! Pumpernickel! A whole loaf! ROFL
And to Elizabeth - I'm horrified that you suggested Eating while ON the toilet! OMG! My husband does that and it just freaks me out.
DGM, you are awesome, man. I keep sending your blog to everyone I know. Now I have to send your blog to everyone at my WORK to explain why I was laughing so hard that coffee was spewing and I was crying.
WOW brave man. You must have been in a lot of pain to try to go through that! You didn't get Hot wife to get it for you? thats what my hubby would have done! (ahem, his wife (me) not yours :)
My mother in law once handed hubby and I a little brown bag as we were heading out the door and asked us to return it because it didn't have the "applicator", intrigued we opened the bag, and of course inside was an edema. NOT something you wanna know about your mother in law or even mother for that matter. The hubby threw it in the trash as soon as we went out the door and gave her the money from his own pocket when we returned just so he didn't have to go through the humiliation of returning a "defective" enema!
Thanks for the laugh, sorry it was at your exspense! AGAIN. :)
sigh, typo, no such things as an edema, thats supposed to be enema of course.
Wow, you just went right for it. I usually try some dairy (for the lactose intolerance factor), some major bran, or at least some McDonalds, and even then I just go to the exlax instead of an enema. Admit it, you were just curious about what it was like.
no newfieswoman is not a pirate in disguise.....me maybe a bit of a maschoist but not a pirate......LOL........this is to whoever thinks me a pirate.......LOL...
newfieswoman
Judy,
No such thing as an edema? do not go to the hosptial then, because then you will be laughed at. An edema is defined as an accumulation of an excessive amount of watery fluid in cells tissues and serious cavities. Ironic ain't it.
Sounds like Pissed of in Peoria wouldn't be so pissed off if they tried an emema for themself. Dislodging crap froms one ass isn't funny? It is freakin hilarious! Incest is higher form of art? Naked pic of wondersis? Psychopath? I think so, or at least the enema applicator is pointing that way!
OMG - NO POST - I think he's exploded....eeeww
Dude, you should have taken some fiber pills beforehand. Or come eat our hippy diet. I guarantee 3 craps a day.
SparkleGroupie - #2 humor is way awesome.
Hey someone call DGM - I don't think he could go through with it. I think he can't sit down long enough to type and he still needs an enema...Is that how you spell it?
BTW, BrainySmurf, I can google too!! Edema - she was correcting a typo...
Hmm and the reason you didn't use ex-lax or MOM or something is because? Even a suppository is less invasive than an enema. A little glycerin, a whole lotta poop!
I work in a nursing home and enema's are always the last resort, never the first!
I just can't believe that as a man, you skipped all the other options/ideas you might have thought up, and decided to stick something up your ass! You are seriously silly. I am wondering if you actually even decided to go through with it! I bet you didn't...
NEVER TRY TWO ENEMAS
You know what they say about men getting head from another guy. Try it once, you're a poet. Try it twice, you're a homo. I think the same might be said about auto-erotic enemas. Hope you threw away the second applicator.
Is that what they say, SG? Which one are you? I don't guess you're either, but I have a thing for both....
Try Arbys. It works every time for me!
OMG peeing my pants!
Since we're all sharing. My daughter had this problem last month & the dr told us to use pear juice (nectar) Supposed to work as well as prunes but tastes better.
Dying to hear how it "all came out".
Dear SparklingWonderSis,
I'm glad you asked. I'm a poet AND I'm gay. I'm also confident you could change both of these attributes if you really, really tried. Please contact me at your earliest convenience so we can set up a time when WonderOncologist is in the lab. I have faith that my love of cunning linguists will quickly shift to a love of cunnilingus.
Shabbat Shalom,
Your Newest Project
OK...1. Drive 20 minutes to a different neighborhood if you want to buy an enema in anonymity. 2. EXLAX! Dude, why the fuck are you running for the enemas without trying the exlax? That shit will CLEAN YOU OUT. I think you WANTED to give yourself an enema.
Hope everything came out all right.
DGM, you had better post soon. Your fans are worried and wondersis is getting propositions because YOU CAN'T MOVE YOUR BOWELS.
I second the sugar free jellybean remedy. You can pretty much eat anything candy-like that's sweetened with Splenda as it's a rip-roaring good laxative. You will give us the poop on how it turned out, right?
Dude, Taco Bell would have been cheaper and faster. Seriously, that was some funny stuff, as always. Love your blog...been reading for about a month now.
Quick story....my oldest son had a similar problem when he was 4 years old or so....wouldn't crap on the toilet all of a sudden cause he was afraid of falling in or something. So, we went the enema route for him as well...little stubborn kid held it in for over an hour yet after being enema-ized. I was pretty impressed.
jenni A
i wasn't saying she wasn't correcting a typo. she stated that there was no such thing as an edema. BTW Wiki not google. and i was pointing out the eerie? similarities between an enema and edema. they both involve a watery substance in cavities. i was being an sic SOB.
oh my god. DGM must've blown up. He's not posted an update about the enema.. he must've turned inside out trying to let go of it.
RIP DGM
Funny no on emetioned anything about drinking more water...I am a terrible eater but if I've drank enough water things still move along. BTW glycerine suppositories work pretty well and fairly quickly.
Best wishes in the poop department!
P.S. Poop is a part of life. It is very funny. So many conversations end up about poop and it's always good for a laugh.
omg. i love reading your shit. or your lack of it.
Now you'll know what giving birth is kinda like - except the difference is with giving birth you not only look back to see what you pooped out, you actually want to hold it...
Ok...I didn't realize there was a watery substance connection between edema and enema. Point taken. GROSS, but I get it. Thanks BrainySmurf.
DGM? DGMMMMM? HotWife? Champ? BBF? Wondersis? Is anyone left standing in or around Evans World Headquarters?
We're all fine. No worries. We just had a busy weekend. Thanks for the concern, everyone.
That strong wind you feel gusting your way from the East is the pent-up sighs of relief from DGM fans nationwide.
I hope you all had a wonderful Father's Day, and that DGM gave birth to his poop in time to enjoy it. Father's Day that is not the Poop.
I've seen these bottles before, and this was enough to leave me horrified and weak to this day. This is one of those things that would have me making empty promises to god about. Please not the proctologist, please not the enema.. oh please oh please, I'll never do ____ again.
You're stories and honesty never fail to make me laugh.
One poop story revolving around trying to hide store-bought enemas from a neighbor = amusing.
50 commenters sharing their own poop stories and home remedies = really creepy.
I looked in Hallmark for a "Sorry You Haven't Been Pooping" card, but alas, there were none to be had. So I'll just have to say it: Sorry you haven't been pooping.
Thanks for the info... I had to make the same run to the store and it helped to learn from your experience and the comments: I went to a store I never go to in a neighborhood I will never revisit. That is now my store for the crap-I-need-but-don't-want-my-local-store-knowing kind of crap. (plus, the lady at the local store always comments on what you buy). Wish me luck, tomorrow is my big day with the joys of a self induced enema.
My smart ass comment back then was: Raisin Bran.. then IT HAPPENED TO ME...
I REALLY feel your pain.
Thanks for linking back to it...good Jimbo story!!
thank you for re-hashing that for us. your pain & embarrassment is always funny to someone. (a lot of someones :))