Head
‘member last weekend when that bald, soccer-playing Frenchie jabbed his dome right into the solar plexus of that Italian dude who was shit-talkin’ about his mama and knocked that sumbitch straight back into like three months ago? I loved how the world acted like it was aghast and appalled at that behavior, like Aunt Fanny from Poughkeepsie wouldn’t have done exactly the same thing if Jimmy The Grocery Bagger giggled that wheezy little giggle of his when he was bagging-up her package of Depends down at the Piggly Wiggly. Aunt Fanny would be all, “Yeah, my incontinence is real fucking funny, ain’t it, Jimmy. THWAP!” And out go the lights.
I’m going to tell you something right now: I thought that head-butt was the shit. I loved it. That foo betta reck-uh-nyze that you don’t talk shit about nobody mama. And if you do, and if you talk shit about the mama of someone whose first AND last names begin with the letter Z, well you just bought yo self a first class ticket to like the 48th level of hell, b’yotch! “Here’s my forehead. EAT IT!”
I’ll be honest: there is an elite group of shit-eating Assclowns® who I’d like to treat to a Zidane-style up close and personal meeting with my head right now. Those people include, but are not limited to:
• My boss
• Our president
• The general manager of the Anaheim Angels
• Those Hezbollah dudes
• Paris Hilton
• Barry Bonds
• Whoever invented those stupid little reflectors they put between lanes on the road, because now if I stray even an inch outside my lane it sounds like I’m running over Mrs. Fucklenuckle’s entire second-grade class at Ballsweat Elementary School, lunchboxes and all.
Who do you want to head-butt right now?
Ummm... you?? You almost made me PEE myself!!! "Mrs. Fuckle-Nuckle"?? "Ballsweat Elementary School"?? You are TOO funny!! And FYI - I'm pretty sure it's against the law to mention Ballsweat and Elementary School in the same sentence... not that it wasn't freakin' hilarous... I'm just sayin'...
No comments...just laughter...
Still laughing...
Now I've got to pee...
Still laughing...
My list would include:
The taint-lickers who decided that poker is a sport that should be on ESPN;
The same group that decided that one frenchman headbutting an Italian forgives France for well...being France;
The fucknut rigger who packed my chute so that when it deployed, it opened so hard that it knocked my boys off the porch.
Yea, that's my list.
dude? Taint? That's SO 2004... it's tweener now. where've you been?
except, yeah. Poker's a game. Not a fuckin' sport. you're right on that one.
Thank you, thank you, thank you for allowing me the opportunity again to tell one of my favourite jokes.
The 'stupid little reflectors' are called cat's eyes. They were invented by Percy Shaw of Halifax. He had the idea one night when he was driving and saw a cat walking towards him. If the cat had been going in the opposite direction, he would have invented the pencil sharpener.
You have just shot up in my estimation...no longer are you just the brains behind the excellent blog that I read first thing each morning, but you also know about football (not soccer) (and when I say 'know', I mean that you at least saw that there was a world cup final and it was played by two teams that were not from the USA, unlike 95% of your fellow countrymen).
That headbutt was one of the best things about the whole tournamet...for a different take on it, go here:
http://www.theregister.co.uk/2006/07/13/zidane_headbutt_outrage/
Nice
Matt
First off your description was a bit "urban"..thought you were a jew? :0)
I would like to headbutt my local weather forcasters. I think we need to go back to sticking your head outside to see what's going on and stick that dopplar radar up their collective asses.
I would also like to headbutt the guy that was in front of me at the checkout at Target. Headbutt him straight into the shower. He was pasty white w/ greasy hair and large flakes of dead skin ready to drop of his head.
oh oh I want to headbutt Tom Cruise. Just because. And that lady on the street yesterday who said my baby needed a hat in this weather. If I had a staple gun that worked, she would have a hat on lady. Head butt to you!
Now I'm going to intentional drive over those reflectors and imagine what it might be like to run over all those kids that made life in grade school such hell for me. Of course it's safe to play in the street, Robert!
- my next door neighbour who always complains about noise from my apartment
- bank that is chargin me so much interest on the fucking loan
Beg to differ with you, Vicus. Those little fuckers are called "Botts' Dots", named after their inventor, Elbert Botts, who worked for CalTrans.
http://www.snopes.com/business/origins/bottsdots.asp
Taint? Tweener? I thought it was a grundel? And also a convenient storage area for juiceboxes and fruit roll-ups.
I would like to heat butt . . . no one today. So far it's been pretty good. I'll check back later with a list. A long long list.
My ex boss. But I want to head butt him in the crotch. Hard. About 1000 times.
Our president.
The parking lady at school.
The last guy I dated.
The guy who traded Shane Battier.
myself (how would that work) for being thoughtless last night and hurting someone's feelings.
Dylan's Daddy:
my friend Percy
We appear to be talking about slightly different things here.
Still a bloody good joke though.
Dr. Phil
Kate Hudson
Every CEO at my credit card companies
Ohhhhhhh, I'm so with you on them Hezbollah dudes!
And I'd like to headbutt the people who don't use turn signals.
I thought it was "choda?" Or is that just for men?
See, not even afternoon yet and I've got someone to head butt! "Our" ex-wife. That woman is doing her very best to screw up my stepkids and if I didn't think I'd do irrepairable harm to them, I would head butt her, then run over her with my car.
i'm with you on our open-minded president who has divided this country like no other. oh, and his boy dick.
YES! fucking pansy-assed I-talians. And the Portugese! Don't get me started on the fucking pussy-whimped PORTUGESE and their "whhhaaaa, don't foul me, WHHAAAA, he TOUCHED me, whaaaah, my eyes are bleeding, whaaah....
Sorry. English England fan still getting over it. Being english/hooligan means urge to headbutt is in genetic code. So refreshing to be able to celebrate that part of myself.
OH yeah... the Angels GM deserves one, so does Mike Scocia because he can overmanage the game sometimes, Steve Physioc because he is plain annoying, Umpire Doug Eddings because he is an asshole, and A.J. Pierzynski because he's a fuckhead!
And the fucking delivery guy who called my house at midnight three times last night regarding the fucked up delivery of my daughter's medical supplies! Midnight! AKA, while I was SLEEPING!
I'm fired up today - I needed this!
Nytro better run & hide before WonderSis comes along and wants to know HOW YOU KNOW THAT gwbush HAS A BOY DICK!
1. My Mother
2. Clueless Tourists
3. Rude Tourists
*whips out red card* You're outta here!
The person I got stuck behind on the interstate today doing a hasty FORTY FIVE MPH!!! Good lord!
And also? I'd just like to say that I discovered your blog a couple weeks ago after someone commented on Miss Doxie's site about your Poo Poo Haiku. I read it and thought it was the most hilarious thing (the haiku....not the comment). So, I went back and read all your archives starting at day 1. It took me forever, but it sure made a lot of work days go by faster.
Wow. I just totally lost my Commenting On DGM virginity. Anyone got a smoke?
1. The road signs in New Jersey.
2. The roads in New Jersey.
3. Mapquest
4. New Jersey.
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
-my sister for choosing the one weekend out of the entire year I can't possibly take off work to plan my only niece's from my only sibling's first birthday party, and not caring about it.
-me for being so incredibly self-absorbed that I'm upset about the above (yeah, how do you do that WonderSis? - shall we do each other? heh, I've turned teenage boy)
-my work email server for being a slow ass bitch
-my work for fixing the slow ass bitch this weekend thus negating my slow ass work being blamed on aforementioned email server
-the person who invented blogs as I refresh constantly and create the slow ass work
omg Jacqueline, how could I forget NJ?!
Hey, Mike. I thought EVERYONE knew that W has a boydick.
Bush, Kim Jong-il, indulgent parents (not you and hotwife-you guys are not raising the next generation of assholes), Hezbollah, Israel (don't get your matzoh in a twist, there is a such a thing a measured reaction--most of Lebanon does not deserve this and the countrymen are just as pissed at their leader for not ousting the Hezbollah as Israel is), Star Jones, the dickweed that cancelled The West Wing, Christians in office, and I could go on for decades with this task.
Yeah, I'm a hater and intolerant of jackassery. From way back.
head butt the dickhead ref who called the UFC championship fight between Shamrock and Ortiz
The dickhead in the computer lab at WSU with 9 ponytail holders an inch a part in his beard - it ain't cool
I'm there with you on the Paris Hilton one. I hope your boss doesn't find your blog though. That might get a tad uncomfortable.
the guy that i've been seeing whom, when he said 'i dig you', and i said 'wait up, i need a second to ponder the rammifications of that' took it as an okay to stick his profile back up on a local internet adting site. 'hi, i am going to run out and try and get laid while you are thinking and perhaps after you are done we can pick up where we left off if i havent found anythign better! btw if you were to go to a bar and try to pick up during this period i would probably act like you betrayed my trust in the most horrible manner and cry like the world was ending.'
bitter? check.
uncontrollable urge to headbutt? check.
actually my hair is kind of umm... springy, and therefore a headbutt from me is like a cute pillowfight. i'd ask that i my case, an exception be made and that i be allowed to use something.... lead pipe?
The question should be, who *wouldn't* I like to head butt right now? AAAAAAAHhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!
I would give headbutts to, in no particular order:
Gov. Jim Doyle of WI, because he's a fucking stooge.
Pretty much anyone French.
Two of my former bosses who could have EASILY gotten rid of an incompetent employee, and chose not to, thereby causing LOTS of problems.
People who think we shouldn't seal our borders.
Treehuggers.
GW Bush, just because.
Rosie O'Donnell, because she is EASILY the most annoying, hypocritical, loudmouthed bitch that has ever been set loose on Earth.
Assholes who let their kids scream and cry at the top of their lungs in public places.
I could go on and on. Perhaps at my own site.
Hey, Dylan's Daddy... http://inventors.about.com/od/cstartinventions/a/cat_eyes.htm
I'd like to headbutt ( and then elbow ) Ken Shamrock a few times. The man doesn't know when to shut up.
My bratty 15 year old cousin for several reasons:
- she and her friend keep leaving cups of water on the kitchen table where I left my laptop for them to use. One of the glasses was knocked over by my cat but fortunately only my cousin's stuff got messed up! Ha ha! The laptop is going upstairs in my bedroom where they can't use it anymore!
- my grandmother asked my cousin to buy ice cream today while she was out. The cousin did not buy Grandma ice cream because "it was too heavy." What the FUCK?! A gallon of ice cream? Grandma even gave her the money to buy it! Jesus! I came home last week with 3 huge bags of stuff. The store isn't that far away and she was with her buddy.
- the cousin decided that she couldn't eat her slice of pizza--I swear, she does nothing but eat crap all day!--and asked if I wanted it. I was lying on the floor at the time. I started asking "what kind is it?" but before I finished the sentence, she dropped the pizza, which was on a paper towel, on my chest!! I yelled at her: "I just bought this shirt! What if you got pizza grease on it!?"
- she went through my stuff while I was gone a few days ago to find a DVD for her and her friend to watch. Just because I told you that I had the DVD does not mean it was an invitation for you to go into my stuff to take it.
- and, lastly, she says the word "hecka" too goddamn much!!
I think this is the part where I should yell, "Hey, you kids! Get off my lawn!!" I'm only 28.
The not-so-friendly asshats at Discover Card, the card I no longer owe money to.
The even moreso not-so-friendly fuckwads at American Honda Finance, the place that settled with us, yet seems to have forgotten that and now harasses us constantly.
My left ovary. It hurts. Wait. If I head-butted my ovary that would hurt worse. Nevermind.
AT&T, the company that won't update the phone lines in my neck of the woods that have only been around since like 1812 and won't support DSL or anything faster than a 26.4kbps dialup.
That'll do for now. How cathartic!
I would like to headbutt the scores of yappy & sobbing preteen girls on their way home from summercamp. Sobbing in the Atlanta airport, where I got stranded for 5 hours by another collection of those elibible to headbutt (Delta), because they had made friends forever, had the best most amazing coolest incredible summer camp ever!!
*my ex
*whoever decided the $ amount of financial aid for college should be based on last year's income
*my ex
*everyone responsible for $3.00 a gallon gas
*my ex
Pretty much everyone on stay-at-home Mommy's list, my second ex-husband, my daughter (twice), the ex-assistant principal at the school where I work, people who take everything personally.....
Parents of at least half the students I teach high school science to.... yeah, them most of all, I think....
me idiot moron X-husband...........
but me is still laufin at the post in general...........me everlovin nerves........
love the stuff ya posts....
newfieswoman