Parenting is sometimes little more than a monotonous hum – a series of repetitive movements and spoken admonishments and failed attempts to get one’s children to eat something besides gummy Power Rangers and puppy kibble. When it gets chaotic like this, a parent’s only dangling shred of sanity is the optimism to look for the little crannies in time when peace breaks out: after all of the butts have been wiped and all of the spilled juice has been mopped-up and all of the pretty pink barrettes have been unclipped from the dog’s ears. That is, after the kids are asleep.

Parents of small children almost never get the kind of peace Hot Wife and I will experience tonight. For the first time in almost six years, we will sleep in our house alone. Our children will be spending the night at their grandparents’ house. It may mean the end of our relationship with my in-laws, who can look forward to a night of unrest and frustration and false alarms at the potty, but it’s a worthy cause for such sacrifice.

Saturday night is Hot Wife’s 20-year high school reunion (a piece of data from which you may infer that she is almost 38 years old and therefore way older than her spry, 36-year-old husband). I’m not going to the reunion because I recently discovered in her yearbook that Hot Wife and her high school sweetheart were voted “Cutest Couple.” Were I to encounter this “cute” dude at the reunion, I may have to kill him for touching my wife (despite the fact that it was before I knew her) and I don’t think they have broadband in prison. So it’s either the reunion or the blog, and I’m choosing the blog. (You’re welcome.)

We live in the same neighborhood where Hot Wife lived when she was in high school, and the weekend’s reunion festivities are kicking-off tonight at a nearby restaurant. I’ve agreed to go along, but only on the condition that I can sell t-shirts to her former classmates. So we’re going. And we’ll be out late. And we’ll be drinking. And we’ll be burping. And we may have a fight about this old boyfriend of hers horning in on my action. In sum, we’ll be in no condition to be parents. So the kids will be at my in-laws and the house will be empty when we stumble in (except for the dog, who I’m sure will be happy about one night where no one is trying to mount her like a thoroughbred and ride her around the house like it’s the home stretch at Churchill Downs.) (Our children have even fashioned a jockey’s whip out of a fly-swatter, with which they hammer the poor dog’s ass as they ride her tired bones down the hallway and scream, “AND DOWN THE STRETCH THEY COME!”)

Earlier, I used the phrase “sleep in our house alone.” I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking sleep is not part of the agenda. You’re thinking that clothes will litter the floor and drywall will be punctured and we’ll both be walking a little funny the next morning.

But you’re wrong.

This is what separates parents from people without children. We value sleep. We crave it. When an opportunity to extend one’s slumber past 5 a.m. (the time at which the mumbled groan of that retarded alligator on Maisy generally jerks us awake), we pounce.

So while the rest of you are out there screwing like bunnies tonight – drinking champagne off of your nipples and howling “Oh yeah! Mommy likes!” and telling each other to “back that thang up” – we’ll be asleep.

We’ll be asleep because we CAN be asleep.

But we’ll also be asleep because my wife is very, very old.

Comments

Okay, I totally understand the sleep thing. We just did that ourselves for the first time. I get it.

But the "my wife is old" thing? Dude, do you want to sleep with the dog? Wouldn't you rather have your hot wife licking you as you fall asleep?

Dang, thats two posts in a row! Even if she was thinking of giving you a drunken quickie because she realized that the two of YOU should be voted "Cutest Couple" of the reunion, she isn't thinking it now.

I bet the other half of the old "Custest Couple" would NOT have dinged his hot wife two posts in a row. ;-)

Have fun tonight!

Oh come on now, you know that you'll bust one out before falling asleep! Hot Wife is aparently gonna hafta rape you! I have 3 kids, but we're down to 1 tonight. RAWR!!!!

You know, you are an extremely gifted writer, but I am thinking you have shit for brains. Like the toilet paper thing WASN'T BAD ENOUGH?
Dude.

Lori - I like the way you think. As if.

Dawg, Hot Wife and I are BOTH elderly 38-year-olds....them's fightin' words!!!
(except for the fact that a salesgirl asked me the other day when i was wedding-dress shopping with my sister...if I was the MOTHER OF THE BRIDE. ouch!!)

take the brawny mans advice, adore your wife or someone else will. you should be bowing down and kissing the ground hot wife walks on for even sleeping with you the two times it took to get the champ and BBF, especially with feet such as you have.

You may not score, but the high school boyfriend's chances are getting better by the second.

Ok. I'm spazzed down, yo. But you KNOW I'm a few precious months older than your hotwife. I think she, me and HDawg (who's quite hot her own bad self) could kick your ass mightily). So you just watch it.

#1 Hot Wife doesn't look anywhere near 38. #2 Your ass should be beat with the flyswatter for calling her old. #3 Two posts in a row? Damn dude, you have lost your mind. (And probably all sex for the next few months.)

Do you not WANT the sex? Is that why you are poking the bear with a sharp stick?!

I truly hope your actions speak louder than your words. May the Karma Sutra bug come and bite you in the ass and you are forced to make mad passionate love to your wife for 10 days straight.

*Viagra can also be substituted

OMG i cannot believe the hole you potentially just stuck one leg in. that was a very bad bad thing to say...

...and you were doing SOOO good!!

I'm a new mother of 6 week old twin boys. Sleep sounds terrific! Enjoy!

You're worried about broadband in prison and you call your wife OLD?!? Dude, I don't think heaven has broadband either. And you may be of the Chosen People, but God may decline any requests for upgrading internet access because you GOT WHAT YOU DESERVED after bustin' on The Hot Wife that way.

I'm just sayin'.....

Do you not WANT the sex? Is that why you are poking the bear with a sharp stick?!

LOL!! That is priceless!

Hot Wife has great hair! Not that you'll get to touch it, or anything else on her.

You have insured that sleep is all that will happen with that crack. Besides, she has two years until she is REALLY old.

I'm thinking an Open LOVE Letter to Hot Wife is coming up any minute now.

Hot Wife, I like the way you think.
So, how cute was the other half of the Cutest Couple?
(I was voted Most Courteous in the Class of 1978, but I have no qualms about asking nosey questions NOW THAT I AM A SENIOR CITIZEN BY DGM STANDARDS.)

she may be old, but you will sell more shirts with her as the model :P

Hot Wife does have great hair. But I agree. Do some sweet talking. Now.

respect yo elders

That old comment. Dude, you are one brave man.

My wife would K.I.L.L. me twice if I even thought that...

Dude. You're not even going to TRY to score? Pussy.

PS- If you haven't been served the papers yet, they're SOOOOOOO coming.

People! People! You must chill!

Before you continue to roast me, let me point out the following:

1) Hot Wife read this entry before I posted it -- and she LAUGHED!

1a) I originally had a line under the photo that said something to the effect of "Doesn't she look hot with her new haircut," but HW made me take that line out. Humble or bossy? You decide.

2) Our night of peace ended before it began because our son called my cell phone crying. Despite my efforts to talk him off of the ledge, he demanded that he be able to sleep at home last night. So I went and got him and Hot Wife stayed at the bar. If walking away from cold beer isn't love, I don't know what is.

3) As I type this, I am at home with the kids while HW is at her reunion. I took one for the team.

4) I have been whoring myself for the last week over t-shirts because our 10-year anniversary is in October and I want to buy her something fancy and gaudy and shiny. So shut up and buy a shirt or you're just as guilty as I am for making fun of that poor old woman.

I'm with you on the sleep thing, but my hubby would never let me get away a free night without the kid.

Do we HAVE to buy the shirt? What if we just gave you some money? Do you take e-gold?

So I bought the shirt. You promised to autograph it.
Is it coming by carrier pigeon or Pony Express?

[Disclaimer: The sentiments expressed by Lori, who obviously needs to get laid or have a beer or SOMETHING, do not reflect the feelings of dozens of satisfied DGM shoppers. All DGM t-shirts are shipped first class via USPS, which generally delivers them to their destination within 2-3 business days. Lori's shirt is late because she's crabby.]

DGM, I think YOU need to take your own advice....

Just had to say, it's funny, I get a lot of hits from googlers searching for "dad mad" and "dad blog" and the latest was "dad gone mad t shirts". God knows why they came to me (but I do link to you)... Maybe you'll sell one then ;)!

.

So, who wants to know if my ex was at the reunion?

One thing I know from this blog by now: Hot Wife has got to be the most angelic, good-humored, patient and generally saintly woman on the planet.

No offense DMG

I was about to kick you for choosing sex over sleep. I'm glad you have your priorities straight.

Liz, I think you are an excellent judge of character. I'm modest too.

Don't be fooled, Liz. She's a spaz.

Well now that's TWO you've taken for a team.

Bet with your heart and not your head on this one.

*I* want to know if The Ex was at the reunion.

Hot Wife, was your ex at the reunion? Was he still cute?

Maria

Dude - I envy you your sleep.

Can you take my kids for a weekend?

Tell ALL, Hot Wife!

I've been out of high school 21 years, I am not old either.
Please let Hot Wife give you the play by play of these old fogies she went to school with. Personally I know that I look WAY better then alot of these chicks that stayed in the sun WAY to long. :0)

Man, my hot wife found this blog not too long ago. And I have to say that you rock. I dig reading, and you do have a hot wife. My hot wife and I are newlyweds and are planning on the kid thing in a few years. Fun to read about all the good times that I will be having.

keep on rockin.
KM

i agree i think there should be a mom gone mad post coming up soon.

I want to know if the ex was still cute or not...

FYI: I was just looking at the picture of you and hot wife...you have WAY more wrinkles then she does, making her look not a day over 32.

Did anyone besides me take the "old" comment as veiled challange to HW? As in, "prove you're not old by screwing all night".

Note to DGM: This tactic has never, ever worked for me.

Normally when the kids are gone we take the opportunity to have RLTKAOOTHS*. But last time, even with porn in the DVD player, we were both snoozing by 10:30 - him in the recliner, me on the couch.

Sometimes the sleep wins.

*Really Loud The Kids Are Out Of The House Sex