There is a drawer in my nightstand that I have designated as “The Drawer of Sex and Violence.” Simple parental responsibility demands that I not let my children peer into this drawer because it contains things will no doubt scar them, either physically or emotionally, and possibly draw the ire of the authorities and their whole “contributing to the delinquency of a minor” routine. (Trust me: my kids need no contribution from me to be delinquent.)

The Drawer of Sex and Violence contains, but is not limited to, the following:

• A small pocket knife, which represents the entirety of my home security system. If ever we are confronted by some ski-mask-wearing n’er-do-well, my Swiss Army cadet knife may not dissuade him from taking our velvet painting of dogs dressed as Elvis playing poker but it would DEFINITELY be able to cut the price tag off of his shirt. And also file any harsh edges off of his fingernails.

• A large black flashlight, which will be of some value when the next big earthquake hits Southern California. Specifically, I will use it to shed light on the floor to see if anything leaked out when I shit my pants during the quake.

• A white tube of a popular “personal lubricant” with a name that starts with a K and ends with a Y. I’d tell you more but as the name suggests, it’s “personal.”

• Sundry pornographic tricks of the trade – standard issue for sexy motherfuckers like moi.

• Condoms, for which I have not had use since MY VASECTOMY but which I sometimes take to baseball games, blow up like a balloon and bump around the stands like a beach ball. But people do tend to get pissed when they get spermicidal gel on their hands.

• Some old towels, which I use for reasons that I dare not mention here, except to say that being sexy gets messy sometimes.

• A book of matches, which serve no real purpose except to make me feel safer because I could feasibly use them to light my way after the aforementioned earthquake or to ignite the highly flammable ski mask of the aforementioned intruder. I also use them in those rare erotic moments when I desire to drip hot candle wax onto my testicles.

I stepped out of the shower this morning and saw that the door from the bathroom to our bedroom was wide open. Believing it was Hot Wife who’d turned on the light (and thinking that she might like to see my fresh, clean butt) I looked into the bedroom. What I saw made me audibly gasp:

My three-year-old daughter was standing at my nightstand and was stretching her little arms into The Drawer of Sex and Violence.

“Hey!” I barked, panic-stricken. “What are you doing in there?!”

She wheeled around and looked at me with the most innocent expression I’d ever seen, clearly unaware that she was into something that cute, blonde little three-year-old girls should avoid with extreme malice.

“Hi, daddy,” she said sweetly. “Look at what I’m doing. I’m making them nice and cozy.”

She stepped aside to reveal that she had taken a number of items from the drawer – the KY, the flashlight, a strip of three condom packets – and had covered them with the towels in the same way that she covers her dolls with their little pink blankets. To her, these items meant another opportunity to play the nurturing mommy. To me, in this context, they meant 20 years of high-security confinement, complete with mystery meat, ass rape and being branded “Jew Bastard” on my forehead with a white-hot wire hanger.

“Honey, listen: this drawer is not for little girls,” I said. “This is only for daddies. OK? You’re not allowed to play with this stuff.”

“Why, daddy?”

“Because. You know how you have your dolls and no one else gets to play with them except you? Not even daddy? Well, daddies also get to have things that no one else can play with. Not even pretty little girls with big smiles and beautiful faces and who can go pee-pee on the potty. OK?”

“OK, daddy,” she says. And then she reaches around my neck and gives me a tight squeeze.

“But daddy?” she says, still hugging. “Is that toothpaste?”

She’s pointing at the lube.

“No, honey. It’s not toothpaste.”

“What is it?”

“It’s a special medicine. Sometimes my knees hurt after I play basketball and that stuff makes it feel better.”

“What’s it called?”

“Umm… it’s called… knee cream. Yeah. Knee Cream.”

“Oh,” she says. “OK. Bye, daddy.”

Comments

alright, i'm calling it: funniest motherfucking kid story EVAH.

YOU WIN. I GIVE UP.

Another classic moment. I remember when my (then) 3 year old found some of my sanitary napkins and made two into an ankle bracelet. Pretty.

Your "knee hurts."

Yeah, your WEE-KNEE!!

I guard my drawer with my life, because I have a teenager and I'm not sure I could explain away the blue vibrating dolphin that's sitting in it.

“But daddy?” she says, still hugging. “Is that toothpaste?”

My secret decoder ring tells me she's already sampled it... you may want to read what poison control has to say about personal lube!!

Hey. Are we supposed to announce our presence with authority the first time we post here? Or does that result in a relentless verbal beatdown? Oops! Too late. Oh well.

Anyway, I would recommend puting a lock on that drawer. I may make you more vulnerable to terrorist attacks, but at least your daughter won't run and get the "knee cream" next time grandma or grandpa say thier arthritis is acting up.

Love your blog dude!

I can't help but laugh.
One never really thinks their child will get into that drawer, but *BAM* one day it happens.
My youngest opened our "drawer", kept asking me what this or that was, it wasn't that bad but as seen as my five year old was standing there and she's way too smart, all i could do was yell "close it, close IT, CLOSE IT!!!!"

LMAO...
This is why my 'things' are in a box. In the top of my closet. Where the children can neither reach it nor see it. Because I just wouldn't know how to explain to a 7 and 9 year old boy why Mommy has a purple penis in a box. Or to my 5 year old daughter, who has penis envy already!

so is is the warming ky or is it just the old stuff?

for the longest time, my kids thought our lube was deodarent... now they are old enough to know... sorry it wasn't that sexy wife, i'm sure that would have been a great story told :)

They have this new invention these days called a padlock.

Reminds me of the Simpsons episode where Chief Wiggums wonders allowed "Ralphie what is it about Daddy's Forbidden Closet of Mystery that you can't stay out of it?"

When our oldest daughter was about 4 she found a condom wrapper on the nightstand. She asked what it was and I didn't hesitate when I said, "Medicine. Special medicine. Only for grownups." She shrugged and went on to play. Then, of course, after she left the room,her father said to me, "Yeah, baby...I got yer special medicine riiiiiight here."

(Danny, got my t-shirt today. Pictures coming soon. I know you can hardly wait. You haven't a clue who I am and I'm fairly certain you don't read my blog, but that's okay *sniff sniff* - it makes me feel special to send them anyway. Humor me, k?)

LMAO.

Love the comment by Y! I actually laughed out loud. Oh, and once when I was 9 or 10, I took a USED condom out of my mom's drawer. I filled it with water and showed her. She had a look of horror on her face. When I actually learned what it was weeks later, I wanted to puke!

Whew. Another time I'm glad I don't have children. For me, I'm just worried that my parents might find my drawer. I have a friend who's under strictest orders to get into my apartment and empty the drawer before my folks get there should I ever die. :)

That's awesome.

Can't wait for Archer to find the vibrator stash and dress each one up in fatigues.

As a toddler my son used to constantly used to raid my tampon collection so that he could build log cabins. It was his sole inspiration for learning how to get past the safety latches on our cabinets.

Today was his first day of preschool. I'm just waiting for the day he tells everyone that Mommy has a pink toy and balloons in her nighstand. And believe me, his teachers will tell me, because they are sick people.

Sadly, I know this is just the baby stuff. This just gets us warmed up. My 13 year old neighbor recently told his mother that he knows why her husband has a goatee...because she likes the way it tickles her pussy. Grrrreat!

Weee Kneee was my FAVORITE comment ever...

Good save...until her knee hurts someday and she remembers exactly what you said.

Oh my God. The memories this entry brought back. Let me tell you now, if you have pointed out a place they should leave alone that will be the place they take their friends to show them "neat stuff" when no one is around.
My friends kid found a used condom in the trash on her side of the bed and was showing it around to the neighborhood kids. We adults laughed ourselves sick, but of course we never told her.

...warming alphabet knee cream, mmmmmmm...

We are doing a bunch of renovations to our house and the A/C guys showed up this morning a little unexpected. I left them in my house with only a sureptitious glance around the "master suite" and am now at work hoping eveything is modestly concealed...

DGM, find another hiding place and replace that paraphernalia with some other smut, like a novel:)

try staying at your sisters house and finding the sundry pornographic tricks of the trade ((insert personal massage device(ok maybe not the best wording)here) under the pillow. knowing full well where it is used, who is using it, and what it is used for. it will scar you for life

Who needs fiction when you've got reality like this?

what makes you think his sister has stuff like that???

and that if she did, his sister wouldn't be a little smarter, and hide it in better places, where her smarter, cuter, better behaved children wouldn't come across it when she was in the shower?

Too funny! Ah, yes... I remember those days...

I don't normally like to air our family's dirty laundry here, but I have no choice.

Wondersis said she would: "... hide it in better places, where her smarter, cuter, better behaved children wouldn't come across it when she was in the shower."

My response to that is this: I think it's time for a rumble. Your kids may be "smarter, cuter and better behaved," but MY kids know Pai Mei's five-point-palm-exploding-heart technique. Have your kids show up on time for Thanksgiving dinner and bring your camera because ASSES WILL BE KICKED.

wow, my knees hurt after reading your blog. Can't wait 'till wife.imp gets home tonight to put some 'medicine' on my sore 'knee'...

:)

TOOOOO funny!!

Cant. type. laughing. too. much.

"his sister wouldn't be a little smarter" - i do believe she WOULD though.....

Hey, i think I probably still outweigh you by like 10 pounds, stick-boy, so watch who you mess with. Oh, except for that fin you got there on your head....

You talk a pretty slick game, Wonderdork. It reminds me of the time MOM BARFED ALL OVER YOUR FACE!

(Mom, I know you're reading this and I just want to thank you for doing that. Aside from the births of my kids, that was greatest moment of my life. Seeing that chunky brown puke all over Wonderdoofus' face was like Hanukkah, Purim and Simchat Torah all rolled into one. I love you, mommy.)

LOL!! Too funny! That's a great story. That'll be a story for around the table at holiday dinners in about 20 years, lol

I always love reading your blog!

I love knee cream.. especially ID Lube knee cream.

Nice save.

You have avoided hefty therapy bills for your daughter at least until she learns how to read.

Grandpa just taught Seth ( 6) a great poem.
Boys have 5 knees
Right knee, left knee
2 kidneys and a weenie.

So in a way you didn't lie.
Bless her cotton socks, you do know she will remember that drawer and when she is 16 will remind you of the knee cream. They do that you know. Honestly they do.

Reminds me of the story of the three year old and the seven year old standing outside of their parents bedroom door peeking in through the keyhole.

The three year old says, "I wanna see. I wanna see."

And the seven year old says, "Just remember, this is the same woman who tells you not to suck yout thumb!"

Nice save. I hope you know now that she is probably telling The Champ all about Daddy's special drawer and at first opportunity, they will both peer in there and start taking everything out.

Switch to ASTROGLIDE. Then you can tell her it's a special glove conditioner developed by NASA for Houston's team.

And the stuff is far superior to KY especially when you need a little lube to get the offended one's foot out of your ass from time to time.

Too funny!

Maybe it's about time you get a PIN key pad for that drawer.

We have shiny pretty packets of condoms all over the house.

Dh keeps wondering why we run out so quick because the amount of times he is 'gettin any' ain't equal to the amount of missing condoms.

Better than having one of the other "sisters" of the house find your blue dolphin... trust me on this one...

That's why our cabinet now comes with a lock. Between the two little ones and the occasional babysitter that looks after the little ones, we didn't want anything to be discovered.

Wondersis,I'm sorry my aim was not better.
DGM, you owe me big time. I had no idea @ the time I was giving you such a "thrill".Very funny memory.
By the way, get a lock box for your toys & a lock for the bedroom door!

THE TOWELS ARE CLEAN, RIGHT!??

I was wondering about the towels too! LMAO I might not really want to know the question to that depending on what the answer is. Love the comments too, you guys are halarious!

I can just imagine the next time your kid is in Wal Mart with her mother, she will see the KY Jelly on display and scream "Look! It's Daddy's KNEE CREAM!!!" Yah. That would be funny.

Just when you thought it was safe to have a drawer....

So funny.

Tip: put the stuff high up in the closet. Lock it in a suitcase in your closet. Once they discover the drawer - they will come back.

So, what's the chance that today's the day the Nun you met a week or two ago decides to read your blog? :-)

You talk a pretty slick game, Wonderdork. It reminds me of the time MOM BARFED ALL OVER YOUR FACE!

(Mom, I know you're reading this..)

She IS?!

Wow, DGM. That's gonna make for some great conversation later.

It's almost as cool as the time my mother came to visit and was helping me put away laundry.. and not only PICKED. IT. UP, but told me not to be embarrassed because she wanted one too.

*dies*

-Samantha

wow. i can't believe I hadn't run into you before in our little cyber parental playground. Nice to find you! Let me know what you think of Pirate Papa!

Since I'm emailing you, I thought I'd comment. Thanks so much for the reminder that we need to get REAL side tables with drawers. With locks. Our kid's too little to notice, but he sure looks at the bottle of lube with a devilish look.

Sarah...who's NOT in the Klan...