This is the entry I have known was coming for quite some time, but I have dreaded the notion of putting into text the thoughts that follow. I have no concept of what good can possibly come from publishing these words. But I began this site as an outlet for myself, and what I have to say simply needs to come out.

Almost three years ago, I was diagnosed with clinical depression.

I take antidepressant drugs.

I see therapists.

I struggle.

Many, many people – myself included – balk somewhat at the mere mention of depression. It conjures images of weakness and unrealistic vulnerability, of someone who is merely a scintilla short of bona fide psychosis, of someone who is not mentally or emotionally or spiritually strong enough to cope with even the most basic disappointments in life. That, of course, is untrue. But the stigma remains.

For three years, I have done my best to hide my depression from view. I’m embarrassed by it and scared of dropping several notches in the eyes of others who do not understand, nor even wish to try. But the incessant game of hide-and-seek becomes exhausting and stressful and only serves to fuel the self-doubt. For three years, whenever I have told people that I have this disease, I have watched as they wonder in a panic what it means – if perhaps I’m a threat or if I’m untrustworthy or if I’m liable to do something they’d rather not have their children see because they wouldn’t be able to explain it away with a roll of their eyes. Maybe it’s contagious?

I have kept the depression at bay for a long while, relegating it to the back burner of my mind as much as possible with the aid of the standard, recommended treatments (and some others that may not be so widely heralded by the mental health community). But it has roared to the front of my world during the last five days, once again igniting the fear that I am somehow broken and beyond repair. I am resisting that self-talk as spiritedly as I can, but these are difficult days.

And then there’s this:

Monday morning, a Dad Gone Mad reader wrote to me and told me that her mother is having brain surgery tomorrow. She said her mom is a huge fan of this site and that if I could send her a quick “good luck” e-mail, it would help a lot during some very frightening days. I obliged, of course, telling her to ask for a bag of frozen peas to put on her scar when she gets to the recovery room.

I don’t know that I can even begin to articulate what a request like that means to me or what it does to my soul. How can I wallow? Woe is NOT me. As the old book title says, “Your Blues Ain’t like Mine.”

Perspective is a mighty weapon. Yes, I have something to confront. Yes, it’s difficult. Yes, I would prefer to ignore it and hope that it goes away. But it won’t. And neither will I.

Comments

Well, you do know that you are not alone in your struggle...not counting your loving family and friends...there are a gajillion bloggers out there fighting the same demon as you.

Myself included.
It aint fun and it does haunt your every move...but it is there and you deal right?

That, to me, is one of the great things about blogs. We get to see first-hand what others are going through, and we realize - hey, you know what? My struggles? They aren't so unique after all. I'm NOT alone in this thing.

Kudos for bucking up the courage to spill your guts to the rest of us, dude. You are definitely one of the Good Ones.

Dude. I know what you're going through. I was diagnosed after my divorce and that was in 2004. It's still a daily struggle and will continue to be for you and I and others like us. To help me keep things in perspective I always try to look at things like this. I'm relatively healthy. I have a good job, a loving family, two beautiful daughters, a roof over my head and food in my stomach. That's a lot more than I can say for a lot of other people in the world. When I look at things in that light my problems don't seem so bad anymore. Hope this helps. Keep your chin up and always look to the future. Sean

You can't beat yourself up for "wallowing." It takes a strong human being, and a smart person, to realize that the difficult feelings or sadness or other symptoms are not you being a crappy person, but rather, errant chemicals running about mucking things up. Perspective does help (as does knowing how many people you entertain and how many people care about you) but also understanding that you aren't somehow a bad human or a horrible person because you struggle with this helps as well. Take care of yourself!

Amen on the "perspective is a mighty weapon" observation. Every time I think I've got it bad I hear about someone with things 10 times worse....I guess we all do the best we can with the hand we're dealt. Your faithful readers aren't going anywhere, either!

welcome to the crazy blogggers club!

heh.

okay, not crazy. i've been battling depression since i was a teenager. there's nothing to be ashamed of. PERIOD. if anything, i love you more for coming out with all of this (if loving you more than i already do is possible).

frankly, i love me some crazy people. crazy people ARE my people, man.

Thanks for showing that you are human, you deal with real things, not always jokes. It makes me respect you even more. It must be hard, I myself after 20 years of broken relationships and my own struggles is finally seeking help, so I commend you!!

Rock on, Danny. Rock on.

Me three, or four, or five, or wherever we are now.

I maintain that we are lucky to live in a time when we are able to get medication for depression instead of shock therapy.

So many of us are going through similar things. There is a wonderful support group right here on the interweb. I have found strength and encouragement here.

I hope you find the same.

You're not alone. But you knew that already.

Now would also be a good time for me to point out that most of the truly creative people are quite, quite mad! And depressed from time to time too.

The fact that you're strong enough to write about it is completely and totally awesome.

The "funny" thing about this is that the force-of-will approach to dealing with depression just doesn't work. It's something that some people understand, but most don't. Stated crudely it's the "oh get over it, you know it's all in your head" response, though it's most often masked with differing degrees of success.

Hmm... I've got too much thinkin' to do on this for a comment box.

Thanks for posting this.

I was wondering what was up the last few days with you Danny. I was worried, which means that I care about you and the fam, but now I understand. Thanks for letting us in. And I hope you would tell us all about anything you would do that I would rather my kids not see :)

I was diagnosed a few months ago, and barely started taking an Rx, when I decided to get pregnant. The ob said to "try to" go through the pregnancy without the pills. So I am doing that but finding strength in my diagnosis. At least I know why I feel crummy, and I have a plan for after the baby. Yay for perspective.Thanks.

Well. Then. You really are a Dad Gone Mad. (Just kidding.)

And just a thought - maybe the 'looks' you are getting from people when you tell them about your struggles are looks of concern for you - not because of you? Maybe not, but...well, it was just a thought.

Can I just say, I just 'met' you and I already love you. You are not alone and you do mean something to so many people...including your family and your "blog family". Thank you for that post. It sheds light on certain people at just the right time (me)!

Yeah me too.

I was saying to a friend of mine the other day, it seems like soon everyone will have a psychiatrist in the same way that they register with a GP. Because everyone will need one sooner or later.

I'm glad you could share it with your readers :) And I'm proud to be one of em!

Ok, time to de-lurk. I've been sruggling with depression since the very beginning of high school. And while I'm only 23 and probably among your youngest readers, I completely understand what you are talking about. I stumbled onto your blog some time ago while searching for some blogs, and I come back time and time again to laugh with you and at you all the time. This post made my heart skip a beat, I felt like you were writing about me! I don't want to tell you that "things will be better" or how "I wish I had your life" because I cringe when people say that to me. They kind of seem like empty words. So I will say I wish peace, happiness, health, and serenity for you and your family. Now I'm getting sappy, so I'll quit while I'm ahead. I hope this email hasn't approached stalker status yet!!

DGM-
This is my first comment here ( I have been reading you for awhile) I wanted to let you know that this post is the first one that really made me want to come out and tell you what you do for me on a daily basis. You make me laugh,( and pee a little) you make me cry, and sometimes want to throw up a little bit. I am proud of you for telling us. There is nothing to be ashamed of. Hotwife and kids are lucky to have you. Thank you again for laughs!

P.S. I posted before I finished! By the way, I hope my future wife is as hot as yours. Definite MILF status, dude!

Dude, nothing like someone's "real" illness to slap you in the face, huh? I have lived with depression since childhood. With parents and relatives that couldn't possibly understand what I had to be depressed about. Until 3 years ago, when I layed it all out for them. Now, not a day goes by that my Mom and Dad don't call. Not to check on me per se, but to say, I love you. That's what we want, and have, yet don't understand how we could have it.

Thank you.

I've felt depression during my divorce and it is the worst feeling I've ever had. I'm sorry you struggle with this disease.

I'd bet that it is one of the reasons you are such a great writer. My son, a writer, once told me, "Thanks for raising me in a dysfunctional family...otherwise I wouldn't be such a good writer." (his first play is being produced in December....and I'm soooo proud)

Hmm... maybe you wouldn't get looks from people if you took your finger out of your nose before telling them... I'm just sayin'...

Oh, and... yeah? Whaddaya takin? Is it anything good? I'll share mine if you share yours... ;)

It took me years to finally get treatment for this devil. It took me another year to recognize that my first line of treatment was failing and I was back in that dark dark place. After increaseing my first treatment and adding another, I have been struggling the past month and a bit to come to terms with the fact that another "adjustment" is in order. Reading this post may have just been the push I needed to face that it's not going to go away again without help. Thanks.

Major recurrent depression here. Hospitalized for it at one point, and all. Now a lifelong worshipper at the altar of the great and powerful Effexor XR.

Dude, would you be feeling weak and ashamed if you had diabetes? 'Cause major depression, like diabetes, is a result of some bodily chemicals totally out of whack (I'm not a doctor, I just play one on TV). The fact that seeing a talk therapist can also help doesn't make the disease any less physical.

It's amazing that you were able to cope and continue to laugh (and make us laugh) even though you were stuck in a job you hated until very recently. You're stronger than you think.

No biggie, DGM. Join the club. (well, of course it's a biggie, but you know what I mean)

Thanks for sharing. Honestly, I think people have become much more accepting -- considering we've all been pelted with Drug Company ads making us all wonder if we're suffering from depression, too?

"Do you feel down? Anxious? Tired? Unsure? Do you pee frequently? Or at all? Then you too may suffer from depression."

You're allowed to wallow because you're looking out for numero uno. It's your life and your health. I hope for nothing but the best for ya!

Very well said! I am another one of the afflicted. I have fnd a tremendous well of support in the world of blogs.

And I am glad you are not going away.

Found, not find. Really I do speak English.

I don't know many people these days who aren't on either anxiety and/or depression drugs of some sort, myself included.

After losing my mom, dad & sister in the course of 10 years, having my brother severely disabled from an accident, and going through a divorce & new marriage admist all that trauma, I finally ended up on medication myself. Actually, initially, I was determined to "make the best of things" and always have a cheerful attitude despite all the hard time... but really I was just pushing my feelings aside. I wasn't allowing myself to BE sad.

It wasn't until, one day, I went numb on one whole side of my body (mimicking a stroke) that I hightailed it to the local ER -- only to find out the numbness was all anxiety-related, which is really a form of depression.

Just goes to show that, even when you think you can "beat it," you can't -- not if you're prone to it.

Anyway, no need to be ashamed or embarrassed or anything else. You're human, and it's just part of who you are. And because you're brave enough to share something so personal with so many people, you are admired even more than you already were.

"Amidst," rather.

I've been battling depression and an anxiety disorder since I was 16. I'm 35 and have been on medication only since I turned 32. What did it for me was the day I realized that my "moods" were affecting my husband and baby daughter. Now I have three kids total (and still have the hubby), and I'm thankful daily I finally began to deal with the illness that hobbled me for so long.

Thank you for posting about it, and thank you for what you do here every day.

Repeating: YOU ARE NOT ALONE!

P.S. - thank you for all that you write/do - you spread joy and smiles all the way over on the east coast without even leaving the close proximity of your frozen peas!

Honestly, it's the people who claim they have never experienced depression who should get the fuzzy eyeball.

Long time listener, first time caller.

DGM, you've had my attention awhile now for your wicked humor/writing, and now you have my admiration...for your courage. Who knew that behind those frozen peas were Gi-normous Cajones? (I mean, other than HotWife, Paris, and Lindsay, of course...)

Stigma-schmigma. Get whatever help is needed. You know, struggling is not so hard to come by. A great sense of humor, writing, courage, HotWives and beautiful kids are. You have those things in spades and surely more. Good for you for "dropping the peas" and confronting the big-scary-"D" thing. And kick its sorry ass.

I love you.

Thank you for being so candid about something so personal, something that doesn't get talked about enough. Depression runs in my family and I struggle with it too, though I hate to admit it. Your post was exactly what I needed to read today as I try to get myself out of my current slump.

I've been telling coworkers and bosses, for the past three years, that I have "Dr. appointments". Though perfectly healthy on the outside, I have kept having to go to my "Dr." at least once a week. I'm awaiting the day when someone calls me out and asks me about my mysterious "Dr. appointments"

It's a struggle. As you well know, to keep something like that hidden for fear of what others may say. But more power to you for coming out with it now.

Dear DGM,

half the world suffers from depression. My whole family takes depression medication, otherwise they will kill themselves.

I love my happy pills! If I forget one dose, I tear the world apart, myself included!

We all need happy pills these days!

Ummm wow. This post brought tears to my eyes, and not just for the obvious reason (well, obvious to you perhaps) but because I also suffer from depression and you very eloquently summed up why it's something so many hide. Why so many people are afraid to talk about. Why so many people don't go get help.

There is such a stigma attached to depression. Exactly as you described.

Second time this week you made my day.

You are an amazing man (Hot Wife isn't too bad herself) and I'm grateful for you sharing that dark, ooky side in addition to the hilarity we're normally served up here.

Thanks for all you do.

Danny. What can I say here that won't simply be a repeat of what was said by those who already commented? I don't think it's a coincidence that great creativity is often accompanied by depression. Perhaps it's simply the price tag on the sensitivity and courage required to imagine and create and lay out the contents of one's inner soul to share with others. I am glad to know (however marginally) you and appreciate you for exactly who you are--no stigma here. The general population just needs more enlightening.

I have to tell you--your blog definitely did NOT help my healing process from gallbladder surgery last week. I couldn't come here for days, because every bout of laughter led to enormous spasms of pain. I'm so glad to be giggling again!

I'm beginning to think that it would be easier to count the number of people who haven't struggled with clinical depression than to count those that have. The only way to take the stigma away is to talk about it in an unashamed manner. It's not like you chose depression -- in fact, depression claimed YOU.

How do I know? Count me among the "lucky" chosen.

I love you. You are a rock star. Even when you're blue.

I am 63, I was diagnosed with anxiety/depression in 1970. Finding correct diagnosis...I was diagnosed ADD about 7 years ago, a huge part of my frustration, and correcting that has greatly improved treating the depression. Wellbutron XL is an awesome drug...NO sexual side effects.

Mad William Flint hit it right on the brain. You can't just think or wish your way out of it because it's a chemical thing. I can't wish my way out of a vitamin deficiency.

Don't get discouraged - that's just a symptom of the depression itself, like when you "feel bad about being depressed" - that's what it does! The people who say "What do you have to be depressed about? Your life is great," are totally missing the point. I don't think you "get depressed" about things external to you - sure, you can get frustrated, discouraged, or saddened, but I sort of think that feeling depressed about external circumstances is a symptom. You can always find *something* to be "depressed about" - nobody's life is perfect, and your level of depression is not a function of that.

Hey DGM. I'm a long-time stalker, first time commenter. I have to say, as a co-sufferer and co-denier of depression/anxiety I applaud this entry. As Ellen would say, "Holla Dad Gone Mad!" You are brave to write about it, brave to admit the stigma, and even braver to deal with it and live with it. I can definitely relate to how strange it is watching people react. They think it makes you fragile or something. Anyway - I had no real point of this post other than to say Yea You! And I love your writing and that you refer to your wife as Hot Wife. That rocks.

I tried pills but they didn't work...strippers worked much better. When I feel down I grab the guys and hit the titty bar. If anything always remember there is someone a lot worse off then you.

Funny you should post this today , I was thinking I was slipping into it last night. I have clinical depression, but not a bad case, as I can usually reconize it, and get myself out of the funk. If that doesnt help after awhile I go see the big nodding head lady, get massages reguraly, excercise, and eat well. That helps me ALOT. Thank you for publishing it, they say most great thinkers suffered from some mental illness or another, and we all know how awesome you are. So you know, in the scheme of things........

I've struggled with bad anxiety for almost 2 years now. It's hard to explain to others the shame involved in taking meds and going to therapy. You did a great job with your post. Thanks.

I've been on pills before and it was great and I was finally enjoying living my life. The I lost insurance and moved states so no more pills and my current doc won't prescribe me anything, just telling me to see a therapist. Well, therapists costs money, which I don't have, so I feel stuck trying to will my crazy into submission and am not really successful at it.

It's so tiring.

Raising my Xanax bottle to cheer you for such a brave and wonderful post DGM.

Oh, Nicole, I hope you have a health plan that can give you a better doc. That's the shit. meds+talk=best. But one or the other is better than none.

hey, check my post at lovebomb. You rocked my world today.

Thanks DGM for being so candidly honest. It's posts like this that make me appreciate the blogging world so much.

Hugs,

Aly

Snap! I guess all we wonderful, talented writers are fuelled a little by our madness. I know I am.

I'm not cumfortable with weighing depression on a sliding scale of "better than cancer but worse than the mumps".

Depression is a debilitating and very real illness for those of us who suffer it. Suffering isn't a competition, people. All suffering is equal if it breaks your heart.

As a "graduate" of depression I can only tell you that with the right treatment (Paxcil for me) you will see brighter days. I found that after living with depression for sometime the treatment took rather quickly and three years on, I have never been happier. Good luck and don't give up.

Kudo's to you for talkin about it...An me is sure ya knows that yer not alone in yer struggle... At least yer man enof to admit that ya need help an then goes an get the help be in anti-depressants an therapists...Most people struggle with this disease an wont get help.. And yes, alot of people dont understand it.. It doesnt change what or who you are.. Just keep fightin the good fight an maybe one day they will find a cure of it... Me's hopin for ya...Me has a few friends who suffer from it ( meself included ) so like me said yer not alone.......

I'd give anything in this whole wide world if my brother - my only sibling - hadn't ignored it. He not only ignored it, he did such a great job hiding it that neither his wife of 22 years, his 3 kids, his parents nor his little sister had the first clue he was in such pain.

He killed himself 15 months ago. Not a single day has gone by since then that I didn't wish he'd asked for some help. Please don't be ashamed. I'd be willing to bet that the people who love you are so proud of you for confronting it. Keep it up.

I wuv you.

You are human. We all are. And we all deal with the shit in our lives in different ways. It doesn't make your depression any less important than someone else's problems.

I am friends with the reader who wrote you. It moved me deeply that you reached out to touch her Mom. I'm sure someone will return the favor for you in your time of need.

DGM,
I too have battled depression, starting after the birth of my first child 6 years ago. I thought nothing could be worse, but when my 2nd child was born last year he spent the first 7 weeks of his life in the NICU. I thought about killing myself every day, and all I did was cry. Thank goodness my husband called my dr. and got me back on my meds. Now I tell EVERYONE about my experiences with depression and that Zoloft saved my life. I believe the only way more people will get help is if we all talk about it. I also learned from that horrific 7 week nightmare that there is nothing that I can't handle and not to make mountains out of molehills. The drugs help ALOT, but I've learned to help myself too and I give myself a good dopeslap once in a while and put everything in perspective. I never want to go to such a dark place again. It was scary. And we all need to help each other.
Peace & love,
Kel

DGM, you are soooooo not alone in all of this. Been there... it was hard at first to not feel like I should be hiding my problem, not to mention the act of taking the meds (Prozac for me). I, unfortunately, acknowledged my depression while with a 'man' who told me he though taking pills was stupid and that all I needed to do was think 'happy thoughts' and I would be O.K. Thankfully the combo of meds, a counselor, and getting rid of the 'man' helped me greatly. Looking back, I realized I had been depressed for many years. Nowadays, I am so happy to feel as good as I do that whenever the subject comes up I readily acknowledge my battle... perhaps hoping it will give someone else the courage to seek help. Echoing so many others... don't give up.

I love your site and read each new post eagerly because I know I'll get a smile from it. I'm a single mom with 2 children, one of whom has severe special needs, and could more often than not use the laugh. By telling all of us out here about your depression, you're telling us that you're human. And I hope that by the number of responses you get from the post you'll know you're not alone and feel surrounded by people that care. You might have to fight your demon but you won't have to fight it by your self. Was it a med change that threw you back into the depression? Whatever it is, I'm praying for you. Too bad we can't put a bag of frozen peas on this:)

I am also being treated for depression and I keep it a secret from everyone. Lexapro has saved me.

It wasn't until I got hit with a major case of PPD (Tom Cruise would have had a field day with me...) that I realized that I wasn't actually crazy, just suffering off and on from depression and anxiety. It sucks the life out of you. Right now I am not on any medication, but with winter coming and my instances of anxiety increasing, I think I may be making another trip to the doctor for some Paxil. I'm not sure why so many people seem to suffer from depression these days as opposed to the past, unless the stigma has lessened over the years and people have decided to take control over their lives and their depression. Far better to face it and deal with it than to live your life suffering. Kudos to you, DGM, and I really hope you feel the love here! So many people love and support you. Thanks for trusting in us! :)

DGM - you make me laugh so hard I get tears in my eyes and that's not an easy task. I just discovered your site recently and in the same period of time have received some bad news about my own health. I'll be fine but it's been scary. I thank you for helping me through a tough time and making me laugh when I thought I couldn't anymore. Hang in there... you'll be back on your game in no time!

My friend- daily we turn in to hear your tales of poop and other vile things. If that has no impact- why would depression lower our view of you? It just means you are human. You couldn't have the looks, the charm and the humor without having some down side. Hang in there, in the word of some muppet- we like you just the way you are.

Don't fall off the cliff man! Meds are a wonderful thing. I will take them forever if they prevent me from falling off the cliff.

DGM, You helped me through some very dark days. Sometimes those days still haunt me. But I think of you and your loving support and I know I am not in this alone. I have the best brother-inlaw anyone could ever ask for. You are damn straight you are not going anywhere or I would have to come right over and kick your arce!

I've been on Prozac for almost 10 years now. I am manic depressive, I'll go through these mood swings like you wouldn't believe. At first I resisted the meds because I felt like I had to try to fix myself. But eventually I came to totally accept my need for the meds. It's better than crying for over an hour about a misplaced French textbook. Sometimes I feel like I have to be sad. Like that Garbage song, "I'm only happy when it rains," sometimes I feel like I have to have depression to be real. I don't know if that makes sense. The only thing I really don't like (besides the incredible insecurity, feelings of complete worthlessness and enveloping sadness) is when I get more manic because people *really* don't understand that behavior. Hang in there and know that we all love you! And look how many of us know what you are dealing with!

As someone who was once depressed (on several different occasions, actually) for years at a time, I can understand what you're going through. My own father refused to pay for a psychologist only because he did not understnad clinical depression.

It is a long journey, but you will, indeed, find the end of this tunnel of despair. Whatever the core of your depression, there is an answer(s) to the root of this.

Kudos for being so brave to be so open about this!

This past summer I decided that my goal was to be completely off my medicine in a year's time. HA. Yeah right. The next doctor's appt. I had, he upped my dosage. Thanks for sharing as these past few weeks have been rough.

DGM...
As you can see we all love you and are hopng the best for not only you but your adorable family.
You are a good guy, and heres to only good things happening for you and to you from now on.
You touch so many lives every single day...

Danny - Even when you are blue, you brighten my day daily. I too have the same diagnosis as do so many more people than you actually realize. You are an inspiration and I love you. Keep up what you do. You help so many more people than you know.

They say it better than I do...

The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation. ~Henry David Thoreau, Walden

I suppose it is much more comfortable to be mad and know it, than to be sane and have one's doubts. ~G.B. Burgin

When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained. ~Mark Twain

when things are kept 'secret' often it's the secrecy that does horrible damage, not the thing itself. When the secrecy is let go of, the healing can begin. I learned this from years as a volunteer at a rape crisis center and have found it to be true of so many things with unfair stigmas attached to them. It still takes cojones to let the veil drop. Yer a bravce man, mr. evans...and I hope you're feeling a terrific burst of energy right about now. mwah.

Danny ... I've been in that lonely dark place since I was 12. And I've never known why. I've always had known it was something inside me, making my outside world chaotic and sad. It was a ghost that held me down, that I carried along reluctantly, silently.
In adulthood I knew what it was called. I knew I had 'it'. But didn't want anyone to know I had discovered the name for it. A Mental disease: Depression. Within the last 8 years I’ve had battling it ferociously, because I know it can win if you give up. I’ve walked half way over the bridge looked down into the cold Willamette River on many of occasion, thinking … just one leap. And for a few years the only thing holding me back was my son. I remember one night my son asked me ‘why I was sad’ … I asked why he thought I was sad, ‘I can see it in your eyes’ he’d say. I owe him my life.
Only when I was faced with mental illness in another, with my last wife did I realize the severity of my own illness and took action with medication and therapy. 4 years ago my daughter’s mother lost her battle with mental illness and took her own life. The lowest moment in my life, but I also had a moment of clarity. I understood in an instant what was going on in my head. Do I have hard times? Yes, often. Do I fantasize about how much easier it would be to be ‘gone’? Yes, sometimes. But I understand it a symptom of the mechanics of my brain. I understand that I’m not wired to specs. I have to take some extra measures, take my pills, talk to someone when I’m really down, understand that the world isn’t really crashing down around me, and survive - sometimes day to day. But it’s all worth it. I can enjoy life and be depressed sometime; I can stand in the light and bare the darkness. I can be happy with a sad brain.

I've had anxiety issues for years now. They only arise in certain circumstances. Unfortunately, the circumstances are extremely common. I've talked to my doctor and he said it wasn't serious. I may get a second opinion.

The perspective route is the way to go. I often find myself down for numerous reasons, like hating my job so much it makes my stomach hurt for instance, and then I watch Home Extreme Makeover or the like and realize that my side of the fence is pretty green.

Hang in there. Nice support group you have by the way. Very nice.

Yeah. Depression was a hard one to come to terms with. Lexapro helped, but so did having an excellent support system of friends and family and people I know on the Internet only. I think it's bigger show of strength if you go and get help dealing with it than trying to fight it off all on your own. And as so many other commenters have said: perspective, perspective, perspective. Kudos -- and thank you -- to you for being able to share this with us readers!

Just noticed the comments tally.
DadGoneMad: 73 and counting
Depression: 0

: )

Dude.... I get to be number 76.

I to have the "Depression". I was diagnosed as being Bi-Polar at a young age, and went unmedicated for a very long time. I am still unmedicated, but I have this wierd Zen-ish outlook on life. I realized To be truly happy, I have to be truly sad. So some days I curl into a ball, and cry myself to sleep, and others I can't even begin to fathom unhappyness.

So yes, I have depression issues.
It seems that most your fans do. I find that a little funny personally. That you are bummed out and sad and that sucks, but with all us Depressionees, we all log on (especially on our bad days) to read your wisdom and make us feel better.

You are a wonderful person (to read about) and a great dad (from what I can tell).

So in closing, keep up the blog, and us lowly bummed out types will keep reading to make us feel better.

And we will keep commenting, in turn try to make you feel better.

Dude... you inspire me. But Im not going to pimp my blog here.

Keep on truckin, or some other cliche

~Badger

Hey, DGM. This blog was so moving it's just forced me out of lurking mode! Been checking your blog out for a while, but this is the first time I've been tempted to post anything...

As you've probably noticed, you are far from alone in this problem. I was diagnosed as suffering from 'Bi-polar Disorder' almost 18 years ago. I hid it from everyone, and I mean everyone, for 7 years, and no-one had a clue.

I was seen as the party animal, always up for a laugh, had my fair share of admirers, but they neversuspected it was all a lie...

It was only when I suffered a bad break-up that the first cracks started to show.

Of course, I tried to cover it up, mainly with alcohol (plus some other, slightly less legal drugs), and it worked for a few more years, but caused it's own problems!

Anyway, to cut a long story short, I had what I call my 'flip-out', when I just lost it, packed up everything I needed, dumped everything else, and left without a word. No warnings, no goodbyes, nothing. I've never been back, which is the only thing I regret about the incident.

I spent a few years on lithium, but that never sloved the problem, and the side-effects (temors, lack of co-orination) made me stop, and revert to the alcohol!
Ooops....
It took the love of a damn fine woman to drag me out of the gutter I was in, and show me how to have a bit of faith in life again.I own her my life.

Kudos for 'coming out', you have my support and admiration.

thank you

DGM again not alone been there doing that some days are harder than others, try being in a profession where anything like that is seen as a weakess. You rock, thank you for the courage you continue to show

DGM, I first came across your blog when my husband began treatment for anxiety/depression. I was having trouble coping with it. I couldn't understand why he couldn't just snap out of it. In a fit of boredom, I was thumbing through your old entries, and found a few that mentioned your struggles with depression. The way you thanked HW for her patience was touching. It made me realize that I have to support the man I love. In sickness and in health, ya know? And your comments helped me better understand what my husband was/is going through. He doesn't articulate his feelings well. You gave me some insight on what he was struggling with. Hang in there. We're thinking of you.

You are a hero in my book.

Big hugs DGM!

Thanks Danny.
I think the hubby may need some drugs, not quite sure how to go about bringing it up. Thanks for the kick in the ass cocksucker.

I don't know if thinking about others with harder lives is that helpful.
It's all about just getting through the day.
Get rid of the shame, if you can though. The regular self-hatred is enough, no need for extras.

Add me to the list of fellow fathers and bloggers who are fighting the exact same battle. It's not easy, being betrayed by your own mind. But we have to keep on fighting, right? Our family needs us.

Thanks much for this post. Even with a diagnosis, rx and therapy, I often feel like I'm "just depressed" and should "get over it." This last week has been particularly difficult for me, as I've felt myself slipping, and have been fighting hard not to let a bad cycle begin again. It's good to know I'm not the only one.

I knew I had made a connection with you. I found your site when I was at one of my all time lows, my worst actually. I check in with you every day, you lift me up, make me laugh, give me perspective.

Each day is a battle for me to get over my self-imposed expectations, limitations and the overwhelming darkness. It's a battle that is worth the fight. Right now, my darkness is light--as you know it goes. But, I dread the day I start to feel like I'm losing my grip.

Hang on tight! We are here for you, wishing for your light to return.

Many, many thanks for writing this post. I have a very close family member who suffers from mental illness and the stigma that both he and our family fight on a daily basis often seems overwhelming. I hope that your readers will understand how important it is to offer support not only to those suffering, but to their family members as well. I found great comfort through classes and information offered by NAMI (www.nami.org). You and your family are in my prayers. Again, thank you for having the courage to post this.

Coming to grips with debilitating OCD 5 years ago was probably one of the hardest things my sister has ever done. And for a long time she, too, was ashamed to tell people for fear they would find her "damaged" or untrustworthy. But then it came to her that she needed to tell people what she endured up until she found help because what if someone else she talked to was dealing with the same thing, fighting the demons and losing the battle?

Danny, I'm not sure how many times I can write this in your comments section without you driving to Oklahoma with the sole intention of bitch-slapping me for redundancy, but ... you rock.

DGM,

This is one of the many reasons why I hit your blog every morning. Your ability to not only post your inner thoughts and ideas in a charmingly witty way, you bring together a circle of people that relate to you and everyone else also reading this. I was reading all the comments and it touched me how you reached out and got a lot of people to come forward and share a piece of themselves with you (and other readers like myself). That rocks! It reminded me when Michael J Fox announced his condition and using his popularity to bring Parkinson's out into the open and get people talking. Like everyone else has allready said-You are not alone out there DGM, you have many fans and friends that also suffer from depression and maybe today they feel better about themselves because of someone like you.I know I do. Thank you, Danny- you just made my world a better place.
Smooches,
DDQ

But it has roared to the front of my world during the last five days, once again igniting the fear that I am somehow broken and beyond repair.

I am not sure if I am strong enough to have actually wrote something like this (which I think often) or whether I indeed lacked the intermonolog and did publish something like that.... I forget.

But I worry often (not daily, but often enough) that I am broken and beyond repair. word for word. and it is often in moments when i compare myself to others, those who seem so successful and awsome to me... of which I include you. It's strange how this world works.

Maybe there's some corelation between us crazy bloggers and depression??

DGM-
I have nothing to say that someone else hasn't said... But you can see that everyone here cares and that's something... No one's going to quit reading... no one's judging you anymore than for posting a picture of frozen pees over your penis... promise.

I've been trying to think of the right words to express my response to this post. English fails me. So I'm going to go with:

BRAVO, DANNY!

Depression sucks. No ifs ands or buts about it. 20 years of struggling have lead me to believe that surviving it is possible. With a little help from our pharmaceutical friends, of course.

You are very brave and noble to tell the blogging universe your tale.

Thank you.

I know the day I wake up with no worries or struggles...I'll be dead. The best medicine I've found is laughter. I get my dose right here from you, Dr.Danny. Now physician, heal thyself. Laugh and laugh often. Don't let anything take your smile away. In a few years we'll be laughing about being depressed. Your ability to see this life in its' TRUE comedic terms is a gift.

I'm happy you got perspective. As someone who also pops the anti-deppresants I know how hard that can be. But however sad that email was don't fall into the Starving Kids From Africa Syndrome. The one where you belittle your own pain cause it doesn't measure up to what others go through. It's still real, and hard and you are still brave.

I'm sorry, DGM, that you have to be haunted by this. They say, "Life is what happens while you're making plans," but I also believe that life is what happens while you're trying to figure it out. There may never be an answer, or a day when you wake up and the darkness is gone. You just have to be willing to tolerate it, do what it takes to make it better, and not be ashamed by it. As you can see, depression is rampant in our world today and I find it ironic that so many people suffer from something that makes them feel so alone.

I'm sad for everyone that can't feel the happiness we all deserve to feel.

After all, life is happening right now....