Chill
My mother-in-law owns an art gallery, so it’s fitting that her home is adorned with all sorts of interesting paintings and sculptures and uncategorized cool shit. The vast majority of what is displayed in her house is tame and inoffensive, but the painting hanging in the guest bathroom scares the crap out of my children.
The piece to which I’m referring is a two-color rendering of a samurai. His eyes are mean, his posture is aggressive and he wields a long, menacing sword that could probably chop your balls off. It is the kind of gigantic, intimidating sword that I equate with the big, pimped out trucks I see on the freeway from time to time – the kind with tires almost as tall as me and the big, bright fog lights and the loud, modified tailpipe that sounds like God farting. The sword and the elevated truck both elicit the same response from me, which is the desire to approach the owner and say, “Hi. Sorry to hear about your small penis.”
This samurai painting is so scary to my kids that they often refuse to go potty in that bathroom unless Hot Wife or I agree to accompany them. That was the case with my son last night.
Basically, I had to stand there and watch him pee and promise that if the painted samurai were to come to life, I would strike that son of a bitch down with the bottle of liquid soap or the plunger or the 20-year-old bottle of Jean Natte under the sink. I stand on guard for thee, Champ.
As he was finishing his tinkle, my son was overcome by a sudden uncontrollable shiver.
“Does that ever happen to you, daddy?” he asked.
“Does what ever happen to me?”
“Does your body ever shake like that when you go pee-pee?”
“Sure,” I said. “Happens all the time. Do you know what they call that?”
“No. What?”
“It’s called ‘the pee chills.’”
He giggles, which makes me laugh, which makes this one of the most enjoyable moments I can recall having while watching someone else urinate.
About 30 minutes later, my very tired and slightly under-the-weather little girl began to wail hysterically when we said she couldn’t have any of her grandma’s leftover Halloween candy because she’d barely touched her dinner. That wail ultimately evolved into a total, DEFCON 5 spaz – crying and screaming and wildly swinging at people – so we got into the car and started driving home.
The Artist Formerly Known As Barney’s Biggest Fan continued her tantrum as we drove, and her brother began to try to talk her down. He asked if he could hold her hand – “NO!” He asked if she wanted to take a bath when we got home – “NO!” Then, instead of asking her questions, he started telling her a story:
“When I went to the bathroom with daddy tonight, my body did this little shaky thing and daddy said that’s called ‘the pee shells.’ Isn’t that so funny?”
He giggled, which made her giggle, which made Hot Wife and me giggle.
The moral of this story is that teaching your children inappropriate terms and sophomoric colloquialisms is fun for the whole family.
I thought I was the only person who referred to that as "pee chills" ;0) How funny.
What an awesome family you have!
20 year old Jene Natte after bath splash evokes some scary memories.
AHHHahahaha I can't say I have ever had a pee chill but I can tell you I have had those full body just falling to sleep Quakes...those freak my dear husband right out... he thinks I am dying and because of that he wakes me up with thoughts of CPR and raising two children on his own... He tells me he is not up for the task. They (the Quake) feels GREAT though... I guess that is why they call it "Falling to sleep"??
Julie
"The moral of this story is that teaching your children inappropriate terms and sophomoric colloquialisms is fun for the whole family. "
Not only that, it will bring a tantrum to a slow, but definite halt.
I'll be needing some inappropriate terms and sophomoric colloquialisms please... I have a four year old, and a three year old.
I've never gotten the pee chills- but maybe it's a guy thing?
That's sweet how Champ got his sister to stop the tantrum. Maybe he has a future as a hostage negotiator for the FBI?
The pee chills are funny and my son has done that too, but I didn't have a cool name for it. I will remember it next time. As for one child making the other one laugh, I love it. It used to be, when drama queen was very small, that it was only our son that could make her laugh. My husband and I could not. They are so close... (most of the time) and they just crack me up with what they come up with these days!
Great lessons today. I'm with Kristen - not sure if I've experienced those pee chills. That's not going to stop me from going and trying it right now, though. I'll get back to you.
God doesn't fart, does He?
We still enjoy sophomoric colloqualisms - and we don't have kids!
Also, DEFCON 1 is the all-out spaz. DEFCON 5 is "normal peacetime readiness." :)
I'll have to remember "pee chills" for our boys.
As for the artwork... My Dad used to buy art for the house growing up. All kinds. Pretty, ugly, pictures, sculptures, all of it. I gave the most blood to a 6 foot tall brass tree that has sharp leaves and a solid base that cracked many a toe. The one piece that really freaked me out was a kitten trying to get the last drop of milk out of a bottle with its paw. The kitten looked so sad. I'd swear it was looking at me in sadness. Really bothered me. Then my parents put it in my room. It lasted 2 weeks. Not sure where it is now. Hmmmm.
and it gave me the chill giggles, too. Really fun for the whole family.
Dude, the painting is probably not a samurai but a depiction of a ronin or unemployed bandit of feudal Japan. By the early 17th century, the samurai or warrior class of the feudal system were nothing but bureaucrats running things for the daimyo of their han. The swords were emblematic and they had the right to cut down commoners but that was not going on because the samurai had other persuits happening, like reading and doing Geshias.
With an isolated Japan and a shogunate that worked well, the warrior class acted more or less like neighborhood beat cops. Every now and then they would have to go to Edo for the bakufu meeting but not much else. Tokugowa shogunate was the last dynasty to employ the fudal system as they were replaced by a more modern army following the Meiji Restoration. Once Admiral Perry sailed those barbarian warships right up to Edo, the Japanese figured out that all the samaurai swords in the world were not going to defeat the Western barbarians.
And I you know you can believe me because I'm from Texas and drive a big ass truck!
Good moral. So it is okay that my children have learned the exclamation "Mother of God!" right?
Oh my God, that was hysterical and adorable. Basically: adorably hysterical.
Tears are rolling down my face at the whole affair! Don't you dare use that antique bottle of bath "splash," who knows how much something like that could bring on eBay! And my 4-year-old son is also king of the "Defcon spaz" as it will be heretofore known in our house. Thanks for the new word of the day!
I am a single mom of a four year old and she is the highlight of my day. I never know what she is going to say and do next, but she always brings a smile to my face. Like this morning she woke up before me pried one of my eyeballs opened leaned over and said, "Mom listen to what I can say. Rubber Baby Bunky Bunker. OH SHIT that's not right!!"
Needless to say we have been working on tongue twister and mom will now be working on her potty mouth.
haha, that reminds me....do you remember when gma and gpa had the pachinko game in their bathroom? that was so cool.
"sounds like God farting" is my new favorite all time line. I love you?
Cute story, he sounds like an excellent big brother!
Ah. I love collecting pee shells along the pee shore. Such memories.
Thanks for the visual...that damn picture has me scared and I can't even see it.
Love that Champ talked her down out of her tantrum. Talk of peeing would do that.
Keeping steady during a pee chill, so that the stream stays in the bowl, is a true test of coordination and skill. I hear some of the most devout Buddhist monks never master it.
Too funny!!!
Oh, the Jean Natte is hilarious! You always gotta add something else in there dont you?
Keep doing what you do best, BLOGGING, DGM, Blogging. Dont let that mind go somewhere else. I said Blogging.
How do you know what a 'God Fart' sounds like? And the smell? I would be on something that smells like northwest Texas.
Re: the large trucks: Yes! My nickname for them is SPTs (small penis trucks).
Also, it is so sweet that the Champ wanted to comfort his sister.
Your son sounds absolutely adorable. And how sweet of him to try to calm his sister down, and know EXACTLY how to do it.
Dude, you and Hotwife sound like excellent parents!
You rock!
as always, great story Danny!
Well you know what they say, the family that pee chills together...
If you listen to one of those trucks revving it's engine you can hear it screaming: smaaaaallll, smaaaaalllll, SMAAAALLLLLLL...dickdickdickdick...
my little girls got the pee chills and almost fell in the pot!!! It was so hilarious!!!
In the UK it's called "piss shiver". Now I'm sitting here saying "Piss shiver: pee chills," trying to decide which I prefer (I can't) and deciding that Piss-shiver & Peechills sound like purveyors of finest quality marmalade.
Pee chills? At our house, they're the piss shivers...
Hi Danny. I guess my lurker days are over now, huh?
I really like your pieces, they're like little flames of burning shit that you just can't help but be amused by. I really mean that.
Anyway, what I wanted to say was this: please come visit me this year in Denmark at the Roskilde Festival. You'll have plenty of opportunities to laugh at people when they piss and/or take a dump. It's kinda just a part of the whole festival experience. I promise to guide you to the cheapest beer possible and the best weed money can buy (and it's not even that much money).
Last year it was literally raining men, but people still kept on pissing everywhere but the designated pissing-areas. That made for some nice little piss-rivers. The year before that the weather was so nice the dust actually had particles of piss in it. That's Denmark for ya!
If you wanna check out Roskilde in your own homem, the url is www.roskilde-festival.com
Please join us! And bring HW and the rest of your adorable family.
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