I was a frail, dorky little kid, and I can recall dozens of instances when I threatened to call the cops on guys who were spitting spitwads at me or flicking my ears or making fun of my powder blue corduroys because I wore them long after I had grown out of them and doing so gave me a major camel toe and exposed my mismatched socks up to my calves.

I never actually did call the cops. While I may have been a big-eared, fashion-oblivious dork, I was smart enough to know that if a dispatcher heard someone call about having the word “NERD” written on the outside of his locker with a black Sharpie, the response would probably have been something along the lines of, “Grow up and take it like a man, you pig pussy. Quit crying and go conjugate some verbs or something, NERD!”

I’m happy to report, however, that there has been a shift.

I called the cops this morning.

About this.

“Good morning. Police Department.”

“Good morning. My name is Danny and I’m calling to report a nuisance.”

“Can you describe the nuisance, sir?”

“There are two people parked in cars near my house. They are there every morning at this time, and I believe they are having an affair. We’ve put up with it for several months, but I want them gone before my kids see this dude nailing the broad balls-deep or hear her screaming, ‘YES! OH YES! RIGHT THERE! MOMMY LIKE!’”

“OK, sir. So you believe that these people are having relations?”

“If by ‘relations’ you mean ‘tappin’ that ass,’ then yes, I believe there is tappin’ happening. And if you send one of your pigs over right now, he might get a nice look at her boobies.”

“Can you describe the location and description of the vehicles, sir?”

I did so. And then I gave them my address and phone number. And then I hung up.

When I called Hot Wife to tell her what I’d done, she looked out side and saw a police officer talking to the resident infidels. I imagined him saying, “Sir, please remove your penis from your companion and step out of the vehicle.”

I now believe strongly in the whole “Power of One” thing. Rather than approach the couple personally and ask that they take their bodily fluids elsewhere, I held true to my passive-aggressive nature and made someone else to it. Someone with a gun and a billy club and the authority to hog-tie them like they do with the angry, drugged-out loonies on Cops.

So that’s one small step for decency, one giant leap for my credibility.

And let this be a lesson to you, too. If you leave rude comments, I’ll have you shot. Or perhaps find those powder blue corduroys and make you look at The Mother of All Camel-Toes.

Comments

Do I see a cape and mask swirling behind you in the dryer?

Wow ... that couple was STILL using the same spot after all this time. Gutsy I tell you!

Standing up for what's decent and right ... and letting someone else take care of it, while you look on. You are the man!

I wouldn't have done it any different myself. :)

Camel Toe??? WTF is a camel toe?

You should have set up a cam and broadcast it live every morning, cause obviously they have no problem with being watched or caught.

P.S. ...and sorry Mike, I do know what a camel toe is but cant bring myself to explain it.

yeah cant they take it too a normal place like a school parking lot at night, or behind the local supermarket!! Inconsiderate nympho's!!

A camel toe is what appears when a man or woman is wearing pants that are too tight in the crotch. In men, it happens when the pants seam goes in between the testicles and creates a symetrical gap that looks like the toe of a camel.

Mike, Mike, Mike. Where have you been? A camel toe is beavage, dude. A sideways sloppy joe, a taco, a biscuit, whatever you want to call it - when a woman's pants are too tight you see what looks like a camel toe in her crotch area. This phenomenon is also occasionally called a "flying W" something that brings me joy every time I think of my ex-boss forcing us to go to a team meeting at a place in Wyoming or some other square, red state without water, called the Flying W. Best thing about it? It was a "Chrisitan" camp.

But I digress.

For your further edification, I proudly present to you a wonderful little song about camel toes: http://www.davesdaily.com/videoclips/211-camel-toe.htm

...and for the record, Dad Gone Mad is the only many who might readily admit to having it.

only MAN.

[i really hate typos] sorry dude

Camel toe, same as a moose knuckle or a denim covered hoagie roll

Dude! This is hilarious. Next time think "YouTube" it would have been priceless! This story makes me think back to Mary Kay Letournea and Vili Fualaau in our neighborhood.....ewww!

Oooo you called the cops, awesome. Now you need to interview them and find out what the true story is/was. Were they CIA? FBI? Undercover Narcs? Prostitute? Drug Addicts...or just a couple horney people? Was won of them married, both of them? Get to the bottom of it Danny, come on!!
FYI...I subscribed to www.urbandictionary.com so I NEVER have to ask, what is that? I never heard about the salad spinner..or whatever and that website saved me embarrasment of asking..MIKE>....man dude, get with the times :0)

You should have rented one of those super large paparazzi cameras and stood about 10 feet away snapping picutes...They would be out of there fast.

VirginiaGal: hahahahaha! Funny.

This post made me realize Im not getting laid enough. Or getting laid *well*. Which is a little depressing. And are these people SO cheap they cant even splurge on a $29.99 motel room? (cheaper than NY rates - but so I am told)

I'm surprised that they are, were, still there. A little bummed that there were no live web-casts or even one telephoto shot. You should check your local police blotter to see if there is mention.

You going to change the name of Evans World Headquarters to the Hall of Justice?

danny, i love you. hot wife, i love you by association.

if i believed in that Perfect Post nominating crap (and for the record, I SO DON'T), THIS would be my selection.

The Force is strong in this one.

Note to self: Don't have sex in Danny's neighborhood. He's the man.

Mack family definition:
Camel Toe- When a woman's pants are so tight you can read her lips.

Hmm. I think I can relate...to the couple in the car. Though I was only 17.

In high school, my boyfriend and I thought it was a great idea to have "relations" in the back seat of my car. In the parking lot of an elementary school. After hours, of course. Until one night when we got a tap on the window (of the backseat) from an officer. I was horrified.

Luckily, the officer let us go. But not without berating my boyfriend by telling him he needed to respect me, blah blah blah. He responded by saying "but our parents don't know we're doing it. Where else are we supposed to go!".

Proud moment in my life.

Liz: Yeah, you don't want a hotel room in NY that you can get for $29.95. Definitely not.

Susan, thank you for that link. It is the most wonderful song in the FREAKING WORLD.

Oddly, I'm disappointed I don't live on your street.

Rude Comments. THere I said it.

My cop wont disturbing people unless someone complains about it.

But...they're in looooooove, Danny! (snorts with laughter). That is SO tacky - I'm glad you're taking a stand. I second the webcam/telephoto thing...except I'd be tempted to make some PG-13 "Have You Seen Us?" posters of the pictures and plaster them all over the 'hood.

I was wondering what was going on with those two. I'd been expecting video or a picture or something, but this story will do. I wonder if they will be at it now that they've been "caught!"

What you should have done was wait for the windows to get all fogged up, then get a few of your friends to sneak up on the car and rock it back and forth while yelling like maniacs.

Awesome! I've been waiting to see how this would play out. I would have done the same thing...well, actually, I probably would have made my husband do it. Hee!

Hey Mike, camel toe = smuggling a yo-yo. Can you picture it?

It's been a while since I've busted out a Fish Taco reference and DAMN IT. I know there's one in here somewhere. WHY CAN'T I FIND IT?

Dude, you gave your name and number? Everytime I call on my neighbors, I use a cell phone and ask to "remain anonymous."

Yeah, I'm chicken shit....WHAT?

You should have video taped it and sang "bad Boys bad boys whatcha gonna do..."

Oh man Danny that's...ROFLMAO...I can not BELIEVE they were still going at it in the SAME friggin' spot!!!! Oh PLEASE tell me you actually used that language to the cops PLEASE, how perfect is that? You would have become a neighborhood hero to them! All this AND admitting to a case of slipcovered nuts...I am so impressed with you! You go boy! Stand up for the rest of us all grown up nerds!

Tappin' that ass...dude...very funny.

And Susan...beavage...probably the funniest thing I've heard all week, except for DGM, of course.

I didn't know boys could have camel toes.

And I can't believe that was still going on.

Bravo!

OK, OK, I get it people! I watched the video full of strangled cooches. But FISH TACO; we buy those things at the Taquerias here and they are quite good as lunch or a snack.

I'll go ahead and assume Tapping Ass in California is the same as Knockin' Boots here. I've been reading DGM for a long time and I've never required a translation before this post. Thanks y'all.

Dude, why can't these things happen in my neighborhood? The most exciting incident to happen around here lately involved a housewife who became disfigured in a tragic scrapbooking incident.

Did no one else see it?

At first I thought it might be a typo.

Then I just started laughing. I'm totally going to use "pig pussy" as my next insult.

My favorite euphemism for camel toe is compliments of my friend in Florida:

V-digger holiday.

Speechless.

LOL! Since your legs were probably 3 feet longer than mine are now, the blue corduroys will be just fine with me.

Crap! I hate traveling for business and not being able to read DMG.....I cannot access from my blackberry :(

Danny - you CANNOT have Camel Toe - you had Moose Knuckle! (Supposed to be a good bar in Austin too BTW...)

Dude, I believe "camel toes" are reserved for the girls. "Moose knuckles" are reserved for a similar condition contracted by the guys. And I must say your description of said condition was both eloquent and hilarious.

funny how calm that police officer was when you said the word "pig". I can't stop laughing.

You big party pooper.