Notwithstanding the fact that I possess a clear bias, I am now moderately positive that my son is a superhero.
The evidence is mostly circumstantial, but when viewed in its stunning entirety, it’s obvious that the boy has certain superhuman powers. He can do things I can’t do. He can do things you can’t do. He is Superdude.
His powers are not at all like those one would normally associate with superhumanityousness. He can’t fly or stop bullets with his eyeball or hear what the neighbors three doors down are saying. But he is fearless and confident and insightful. When you’re six, that’s plenty. By the time he’s my age, he’ll almost certainly be able to see through women’s shirts and bras (and let me just tell you that for a 36-year-old man, there could be no better power).
For Hanukkah, we gave him a four-hour lesson at the nearby skateboard park. He is not good on a skateboard (and by “not good” I mean he looks like he’s having a grand mal when all he’s doing is trying to stay on the board), but he was overjoyed by the notion of actually getting in there with the big dudes and going down the ramps and half-pipes. When he finally got into the skateboard park yesterday, he completely blew off the lesson and just went for it. He fell a lot and he has a big bruise on his right hip, but the kid didn’t even care. All he knows is that he took on the monster ramp and walked away with a sweet wound to prove it.
On New Year’s Day, he somehow weaseled his way into the home of my in-laws’ neighbor and played Xbox with someone he barely knows for three hours. The neighbor became so enamored with Superdude that she invited him to stay for dinner. A free meal? With a stranger? Just for being charming? If that’s not a superpower, then my name is Mortimer H. Finklestein and I make snot sculptures for a living.
I suppose I should also mention that Superdude has wicked-awesome (some may say superhuman) (and by “some” I mean me) t-ball skills, as well. He hits the shit out of the ball, he’ll put his face in front of a ground ball if he has to, and he has an absolute CANNON of an arm. I haven’t tested it yet, but I do believe that if one of his throws hit you in the chest, it would blast right through your solar plexus and fly out of your back. And then you could walk around town saying, “See this hole in my chest? Superdude gave me that. Wanna touch it?”
Of course, superhuman powers are a double-edged sword. In addition to the aforementioned gifts, Superdude is also an out-of-this-world whiner. A lot of kids wouldn’t have the stamina and intestinal fortitude to complain about not having lunch at McDonald’s with the vigor that he can – as if being denied a Happy Meal with that shitty orange drink was tantamount to being told that the Power Rangers are all women and they all want to know if they can kiss him.
''...then my name is Mortimer H. Finklestein and I make snot sculptures for a living."
dude, you weren't supposed to tell. jig is up.
oh well. At least you have some rad-ass kids. You better not let him find out how you idolize him, or you're gonna have shit to pay. He's a good kid. don't wreck it.
Too cute. Ah, damn. I just broke my New Years resolution to not say cute anymore. Ever since LA Toddler was born, I've said cute 247,018 times in 2 1/2 years. And that's just wrong.
I feel where you're coming from. My little one is Super Genius. I'd tell you she's smarter than myself, but... that's not saying much. She will cure something someday, I'm sure of it. And, she tells me, her poop smells like chocolate.
Aren't we proud? Ayep!
My son is also six, and charms everyone. His super powers lend more to the "super-extra-huge-brain-power that makes mommy feel slightly ill when she contemplates the teenage years" but I'm working on some kryptonite.
The title of this post alone made me snork diet 7-up out my nose.....which my coworkers really would like to thank you for giving them something to talk about at staff meetings......
three cheers to Superdude Champ- defender of evil, and master of the T-ball!!
Hey, next time he loses out on the Happy Meal, he can just weasel another meal somewhere with his charm. Let strangers feed him all the time! They got money, right?
Fearless, confident, and insightful? What I would give to boast those qualities at 35! Way to go, Superdude.
Wait, it's bad if all the Power Rangers are chicks and they want to make out with you?
I'm with Drunk Drama Queen, I had to laugh out loud at the title, I actually put off reading the rest until today, parsing out my little DGM nuggets. To further the happy meal reference, the title was like seeing the toy before eating the meal, it always makes it taste better.
GO Champ go, does he have his secret identity yet? Mild mannered Mortimer H. Finklestein Jr. ?
With great power comes great responsibility--Spiderman
Truth, Justice and the American way--Superman.
Free Meals with Strangers--Superdude.
"History of Wonderboy and Young Nastyman,
Riggah-goo-goo, riggah-goo-goo.
A secret to be told, a gold chest to behold,
And blasting forth with three-part harmony, yeow!
Wonderboy, what is the secret of your power?
Wonderboy, won't you take me far away from the mucky-muck man?"
Too funny...I wanna meet the champ.
Kids are great the way the crash and burn then get back up and do it again.
I also LOVE that Champ has the personality to hang at a strangers house and much their games and food.
Cool!
AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
Sweet! Superdude indeed.
Charge him for every whine, that way he can buy a Batmobile for his 16th birthday ; )
ps - I think there was something about how you were going to call me at 5:30 on your way home from work the other day... I'm still waiting for the phone to ring.
COCKSUCKER!!!
What did the Power Rangers ever do to you for saying such things. You're an evil man.
Next thing you know, you'll be wearing leather pants, and your son will end up fighting you when your 40.
You're lucky mine are just superhuman whiners.
Popeye = Spinach, Superdude = Happy Meal?
Hi DGM,
I'm bloghopping today and came via Rockstar Mommy.
Yay for daddy blogs! Yours is only the third or fourth I've come across in many moons. Congratulations on having a young superhero in your house; it will certainly make for an interesting adolescence...the tantrums that knock down walls...emptying the fridge in seconds...and the ability to cause you to lose sleep over mysterious absences.
Ian
Stop by and say hello
HAHAHAHA how cute! I love love love your writing Dad gone mad. Since it is National Delurking week I had to delurk and just say thanks for all of the laughs, chuckles, and giggles you've given me. Wishing you and yours the very best for 2007
On the whining front: I tell my children, "I don't speak whinese." Guess what? It actually works!
I've just started reading your blog, and I am appalled at the reference to possible tormenting of Yaks! If I hear of any suspicious Yak deaths or injuries, well let me just say "Steps will be taken!"