Pussy
I am the kind of man who would buy Moulin Rouge on DVD because it’s absolutely fabulous and Ewan McGregor is SUCH a doll. Mwah!
I am a homebound, hopelessly bored housewife whose sole joy in life is being part of Oprah’s book club.
I am an elderly stroke victim who walks like he has a big dump in his pants. Help me up, dear.
I am a pimple-pocked, hormone-drunk, adolescent masturbation fiend who would gladly pay $20 extra a month to stare at Maria Sharapova’s ass all day, everyday. Dude, I would so totally hit that shit.
OK wait. I’m not REALLY any of these people. But it’s my job to imagine that I am. That’s the great thing about working in advertising: with each new client that hires us, my professional schizophrenia swells a little more and I get to become someone different. By doing so, the copy I write at work is written to my own imaginary selves, and it therefore (usually) works for the real audience. Sooner or later, I’m going to be you, too. Bank on it.
But yesterday I was confronted with a project that requires that I pretend to be something that couldn’t possibly be further from the “real” me: a nine-year old girl.
I have to be very careful with what I say here because I have signed a very firm and intimidating non-disclosure agreement and if I spill too many beans, the headline of my next post will be “Danny Sleeps With The Fishes.” So I’ll just say this: one of our clients is somehow involved in games and they are somehow associated with a theoretical game that may or may not exist yet and if it does exist it might have something loosely to do with…KITTENS!
Do I seem like the kind of person who likes or even knows anything about kittens? Truth be told – and this is going to offend many of you – I hate cats. They scratch people and their piss stinks and they simply can’t hold a candle to a dog. Shit, they can’t hold a candle AT ALL!
But I knew the job was dangerous when I took it, and since I like to think of myself as something of a copywriting daredevil, I persevered. I have for the last 24 hours tried as hard as I can to imagine myself as a screaming, nine-year-old, gum-smacking, Roxy-wearing girl. My name is Danielle. I wear bubble-gum-flavored lipgloss and I have like 45 MySpace friends and ohmygah’id Troy Bolton from High School Musical is sooooo adorable. I want to marry him sooooo bayawd.
So I’m like sitting here and I’m all “Ohmygod WHAT am I going to say about these little kitties?” And I was all “Danielle, just start writing or something and like see what comes out.” So I did and it was totally bizarre. OH. MY. GAW’ID, YOU GUYS!!!! All these weird words started to come out of my fingertips and they were towwwwwtully the kind of things a nine-year-old would say if she were talking about kitties that may or may not even exist.
I was all “this is frisky!” and “that looks super yummy!” and “aww, he’s so cuddly and cute!” If I weren’t such an annoying and blindly cheerful nine-year-old, I totally would have puked alllllll over the place. If I were, like, this 36-year-old blogger guy, I totally would have made this copy all dirty and misogynistic. I would have used the word “pussy” with unacceptable frequency. Fer sher, you guys. And then when it was the end and I had to like tell the reader what to do next or whatever, I prolly would have said, “Go snatch yourself a cuddly pussy.” Or something like that. Ohmygah’id. Guys are so guh-ROSSE!
OK, wuhl the streetlights are turning on right now and I should towwwwwtully go home and set the table. I think we’re having lasagna tonight. Well. Later, taters. Text me!
You're not the only one that can't stand cats - I hate them with a passion!
Haha, I always say later tater! You're such a goof!
Like
Oh
My
Gawd!
I
Like
Can'tBelieveYouSaidThat....
Like no way, Like nine year olds don't say Like, like what are you talking about? Eye roll, like this old gezer really knows what us amazing nine year old are like, Like totally grotty, Like lets get out of here, Like I know lets go pet our new pussys!!
Like totally.
Julie
9 year olds have myspace profiles with 45 friends? I don't even have 45 friends on mine, I'm a loser! I hate cats too!
A good cat is a dead cat.
I got a 8 year old gal. And as long as its has pink, purple, glitter, and all the songs from any made for t.v. disney movie...she's good to go.
Sounds to me like you nailed it. (Pun intended)
Hope, I like your theory on cats. Our almost four year old is all about pink and sparkles so I suppose we can look forward to more of the same.
You've dropped a few notches in my esteem book with your anti feline bent, and your lack of appreciation for cats is your loss. HOWEVER, on your side is this. http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?file=/chronicle/archive/2007/01/09/DDGRJN7H211.DTL
Oh snap, for a minute there, I like totally thought I was reading my 7-yr-old's thoughts!
I about died the other day when she heard a song playing on her brother's MySpace page, and shrieked, "OH MY GOSH, is that 'FERGALICIOUS'?"
I shudder that my 7yr old knows music like that. Oh, and I shudder even more when she tells me what boys at school are considered "hotties." My husband says we should just put a pole in her bedroom now and call it a day. Oh, and hey, maybe we'll rename her Anna Nicole while we're at it.
What happened to kids, you know? When I was 7, boys still had cooties, my favorite album was The New Mickey Mouse Club, and I wore black patent Mary Janes on my feet.
Dude, you channelled my oldest daughter. Like, seriously.
Oh Susan ... those were the days... My five year olds favorite clothing is her birthday suit... guests or not she goes into the washroom clothed and comes out completely butt nakid.. You can thank Mary Kay and Ashley, paris, nicole, and any teenyboper show...
Julie
http://www.vikingkittens.com/
Moulin Rouge: no.
Hopelessly bore... no.
stroke victim, nope.
$20 for Sharpova 24/7? DING DING DING DING!
Dude, I would "hit that like the fist of an angry god"
(what sport does she play?)
oh yeah. Go here if you need inspiration: http://mfrost.typepad.com/cute_overload/.
Imagine yourself yelling "SQUEEEEE" when you see those pictures and peeing just a little. Then read the comments.
You should be good.
You're welcome ;)
Oh my God, I almost peed on myself! Thanks for the laugh!!
What do you do if a cat spits at you?
Turn the heat down.
viking kitties. definitely towwwwtally awesome (or ORRsAm, as my nine year old english niece says it) . but not as orrsam as gaybar kitties. http://www.rathergood.com/gaybar/
because kitties. so gay.
actually, i seriously have to question a game centered on kitties for nine year old girls. that's like, so, first grade.
It isn't pronounced orsam? How do you all say it?
My 9 yr old has a DS game called Catz and she loves it, although she prefers Nintendogs thankfully, since I hate cats, even digital ones, and am thankfully alergic to them, or I'd probably have to put up with them in my house. Keep thinking pink, purple, and shiny and you got it right (plus tons of giggling).
Danny ,
you wrote that so well, that I.AM.Scared.
Maybe you have an inner 9 year old girl.
I am so afraid
Need a focus group? Look across the street. Careful though, "hi, I'm Chris Hansen from Dateline....."
Hi, I'm Chris Hansen, from Dateline, NBC.
After reading that, I'm glad I have boys! :P
Many, many moons ago when I was a 9 year old girl, I never was "cute and cuddly" about my cats. I have always enjoyed their aloof attitudes and major independence. Heck I even had a cat that played fetch!
Too funny!
When I was a kid I remember laughing at most of the ads that were aimed at us, thinking how totally gay most of them were, and how the grownups that made them probably thought they were extremely hip.
uh no
Maybe it's because I live on a different planet - but here in Montana - "totally" is soooo out - everything is still prefaced with an abundance of "like....." but is always followed by ".......tight!" Also, our young girls are more into horses and/or ponies than cats.
I do, however, know a young 9 year old who loves her pure white american eskimo dog sooooo much, that she dyes his tail and ears pink and purple and other girlie colors on a weekly basis. She has basically turned the poor pooch into a pussy! Also - next time, could you please channel a sexy foreigner with a todiefor accent - all of us women folk would enjoy that - not to mention the positive critiques you could get from Hot Wife! :-)
(Hands on ears) LALALALALALA--I'm not listening to you!!!!---LALALALALALALA
Those scary 9-year-old girls are gonna be after my sweet 7-year-old boy soon. Seriously.
Like, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Naughty, naughty Danny...Clearly, you have not met my awesome twosome - we call them 'Cogs" bc they're more doggy than, well, catty. However, like those who say tomAto and those who say tomaaato...I can agree to disagree because of this fact:
You do SUCH a much better 9 year old girl than I EVER DID. Even when I *was* a 9 year old girl. Think about THAT ONE, pussy-boy! (friendly joking voice, not mean and ...catty) Sounds like you've got the perfect job for you!
Want to learn how to act like a nine-year-old? Just pretend you're Dahvi and that you can make it ALL THE WAY to the top of the rock-climbing wall. Oh wait... She might only be eight. L'Chaim!
You are SO nine. You got this writing gig in the bag.
Hey! Are you listening to me? Yes, you, Evans.
It is all very well making fun of the way young people speak, and they deserve it, but coming from someone who works in the advertising industry, the industry that has done more to pervert the language than any other, makes me as cross as a very cross person.
Why don't you imagine yourself as a responsible human being, and get a proper job with some contribution to society instead of trying to sell useless shit to people who clearly don't need it otherwise they would have bought it already?
Yes you, Evans!
I want you to spend an hour after work each day for the next month searching out nine year old girls in the street and apologising to them for these slurs. Explain to them clearly that they should avoid advertising. You will probably find that bribing them with a lollipop or bag of sweeties will help to initiate contact.
If a man liked a woman who loved cats, he's be stroking it and putting it on his lap. He'd pretend he is a cat fan and sees exactly what she sees in them and even LIKES it as much. This makes the woman happy and excited that she finally found a man who is a cat fan too. Oh they're so rare if not GAY! Then, she walks over to the kitchen to get their cups of tea and cookies (yes she is that good of a girl). While she does that, the cat looks up at the man. This Maine Coon with big sleepy eyes. The sound of it's purrin' action is like a lawn mawer. He gives it a disgusted look, throws it off of him and while the woman isn't looking, he KICKS it!
Men will claim they like cats to women but will KICK them when the women aren't looking.
Pass the rolls.
My best friend little girl is 8 years old and her comment to you would be....No you Diddant!!
Unreal..9 year olds w/ a my space?? Aaahhh. The 7 year old in our house places at the Penguin Club and they have virtual snowball fights. He is a little white boy who loves rap, Viva Pinata, Pokemon and Math..I'm scared.
You had me right up to "Sharapova"
I have a 9 y/o and maybe I'm over protective, but there is no MySpace and texting for her until she's at least in middle school and not 4th grade.
But High School Musical and Wiis, PSPs and IPods? Sweet!
Shit, you could easily make a transition into acting...
Who knew your inner child was really a nine year old girl from the valley. Or were you just channeling Wondersis of yore?
I love cats... dead ones:>
I have to chime in and say that I agree with Misha. I think you overshot the nine year old by about three years. I have a nine year old and a sixteen year old and you are definately somewhere in between. Nine year olds like thing like club penguin and chiamail, not myspace, at least not in my house.
I have three daughters and thankfully none of them talk like that, especailly the 9 year old. I will agree that there are some rare occasions when they are playing the Wii-- I will overhear one of them yell at the other, "totally awesome- you did it!" I am glad they never got into that Valley Girl Slanguage. I hate it.
Webkinz is the game of choice around here. If you haven't checked them out you are soooo behind the times.
I love cats
When I was nine years old I was at school taking the FCAT test & I had to pee realy BAD, as I was taking the test I could not hold it anymore, so I had wet my pink panies,& my skirt I was so inbarresed that I NEVER wanted to show my face in public! Everyone did not laugh which I thought they would but didn't they cheered me up because I did not want to tell the Teacher. When I finally told the Teacher she was not mad at all so I went to the Office & got clean pare of pink panties, & a clean dry skirt on!!!!!!! Sencirally Candi
wow you are funny. i love reading this vulgar and profane stuff on company time with my coffee. omgawh'id