Last night at baseball practice one of the six-year-olds on my team requested that I henceforth refer to him as Han Solo. Last week he wanted to be Pikachu. When I said goodbye to him last night, I mistakenly called him Hankachu.

I knew this job was dangerous when I took it, but it has now become comically ugly.

There are 11 boys on the team. Three of them sit in the outfield filling their caps with picked grass during catching drills. Two of them incessantly throw their gloves at each other’s heads – and miss! And I think one of them believes this is a tennis team. Or possibly a juvenile detention camp.

They’re so cute at six. And by cute I mean PAY ATTENTION, GOOBERS! PAY ATTENTION OR ALL OF THE POKEMONS WILL DIE! I WILL PERSONALLY TURN MYSELF INTO A CARTOON AND KILL EVERY ONE OF THEM WITH MY CARTOON CX47 DEATH RAY! AND THEN WHAT WILL YOU WATCH ON TV WHILE YOU’RE PICKING YOUR NOSES AND WIPING IT ON THE COUCH? TWO WORDS, BOYS: OPE. RAH.

This is not to say that the situation is dire. There are several kids on the team who can hit and throw and catch at a level that gives me some hope that we will not be humiliated on a weekly basis. But even those kids seem the be a little…I don’t know…”off.”

Take my son. In my completely biased opinion, he’s one of the top two or three kids on the team (in terms of talent). But he cries like a sissy. Last night we were practicing the art of fielding a ground ball and throwing it to first base. On his first attempt, my son bobbled the ball a bit while transferring it from his glove to his throwing hand, and the runner beat his throw. By a mile.

And so began the waterworks.

“WAAAAAAAAAAAH! WAAAAAAAAAH!”

“What’s wrong, bud? Are you hurt?”

“No!” he said furiously. “I didn’t get that guy out! WAAAAAAAAAH! WAAAAAAAAH!”

“Dude. Chill. You’ll get him next time. It’s not the end of the world.”

“WAAAAAAAAAAAAA-HA-HAAAAAAAA!”

And so forth.

What a mess. It is not merely unbecoming for the coach’s son to completely lose his shit over nothing, it is really quite impossible to maintain one’s control and composure as a coach for 10 other kids when he is busy telling his own child not to be such a whimpering girlie-boy.

With my back to the other boys, I told my son that if he was going to continue to be such a fucking baby about this maybe we should bring a purse to practice next time and he could catch the ball in that. Then he laughed. Crisis diffused.

Opening day is in two weeks. While I cannot guarantee that we will score any runs or get anybody out, I feel supremely confident that our team will dominate all comers in the categories of swings that look like a lumberjack, tripping over first base, tears shed, coaches mortified, throws that go 90 degrees left of the target, and slides for no reason other than to get our pants dirty.

Boys, if you’re reading this, remember what I said at practice last night. We are MEN! And men don’t play with their wieners during baseball practice.

Comments

Give me a break! Have you EVER watched a ball game where the guys were NOT grabbing their packages? It's part of the game! Come on! Your guys have a tradition to uphold!

NOW I get why my coach drank at practice!!! and mostly stood around shaking his head.
He was my 5th grade Social Studies teacher, and father to my bud Wes. He was the coach of US. The Giants. Which probably was someones idea of a cruel joke. We were FAR from being giants. Our team had all the kids that sucked (except for me of course).

We were the team with no retort.

"Your team sucks!"

"Well, Uh, Oh yeah!"

"Yeah."

" ... "

" ...! "

"Mommy!"

i am beginning to see why my dad never coached baseball.

However,
I made that fatal error 2 years ago, coached my son's team in a league where the coach pitched to his own team.
Iwas rewarded with a line drive to the chest, by MY.OWN.SON.

I don't coach anymore

My son will be playing t-ball for the first time this summer when he turns 5. I can hardly wait! He loves to hit but the fielding stuff- not so much. It will be interesting to see how this all goes down.

Hey, I've caught plenty of balls with my purse.

Oh, um... that's not what you meant?

Nevermind then.

OK...It was about this time last year that I found your site while googling "Coaching Tee Ball" after I had volunteered to coach. I laughed my ass off at your entry, but the laughter was short lived. As soon as we had our first practice I realized all you had written was true. Time has erased the horror of the experience and I have once again volunteered to coach tee ball as well as soccer which have overlapping seasons. God have mercy on me.

hahaha...this is why I am going to put my blubbering pussy pants boy into ballet... he can hold his hefty sister up .... on second thought...

Julie

Men don't play with their wieners during baseball? Huh... Now I really don't understand the appeal of the game.

Man, you're kid reminds me of someone I know ....

MY SON!

Now I know why my husband returns home from practice with a huge vein bulging from his temple.

HA!

My daughters are grown now but... oh the memories. We had Katie on our team, who would look at the sky through the webbing of her glove while turning lazy circles. My bigest fear was that she would "catch one" while not paying attention, so she played outfield. We were a mixed team (boys and girls) and one outgoing lad would routinely race to the outfield to take a leak during games. Oddly enough his folks never seemed to mind and laughed it off when I suggested they should make sure he had drained the pool before comming to the games. When I tried to talk to him about it he looked at me like I was speaking Klingon.

Fun times!

I wished I lived closer- I would bring martini's...
Baseball and booze go soooo well together!

No wonder why I never played little league. I didn't need an excuse to play with my wiener.

My wonderful son , who is 10 decided last week that he was going to play baseball. He has never played in his life and he is convinced that he's going to make the travel team. I don't want to burts his bubble, but not sure that he's going to make it. He goes to all the practice and I go with him and I'm the insane mother that sits there tells him what to do... I'm really sad ... He told me that I wasn't aloud to go to the next one, cause it's alot of pressure... What is that all about ??!! I'm going, I paid, I'm going !

Danny Danny Danny..

you ASKED for this...
And it COULD be worse.

You could have a nine year old.. who:
a: got in a fight yesterday at school.
b. plays with his weiner all the time.. baseball or no baseball. Why.. (stupid me asked in that voice of wonder.. you know.. SON! WHHHYYY! must you do that ALL THE TIME??) beacause it feels good. this I suppose I should have known but for some reason I didn't realize at 9 it would matter all that much.. granted I have never been a 9 year old boy

c. today threatened bodily harm to a kid at school today and was sent to the principal for the second time this week. and by bodily harm I mean he threatend immediate death. I am not sure how a 9 year old would go about commiting homicide at school at 8:10 am .. I mean really at 8:10 am!!! I would need at least until 10!

The teacher sent me a lovely little note saying she would not accept this behavior and the Dude would NOT be allowed to attend the field trip in March if his behavior did not improve. Umm ok bitch
SIDE NOTE I do not normally call teachers such harsh words.. Drake has been in school 5 years and this is the FIRST bad one the others I LOVED... and I know they are under paid and have alot on them but if you keep reading you will see why I say this
Number one bitch.. you do not accept the Dude's behavior??? who the hell are you to tell me you do not accept him or his actions after THROWING AND STRIKING HIM WITH A WHISTLE THE FIRST WEEK OF SCHOOL. You remember the whistle that YOU said you didn't even have. You remember the whistle that you explained to me you didn't need because your friend in the next classroom had one and you asked her to blow hers when you needed your kids attention. You remember the fucking whistle YOU LEFT ON YOUR DESK WHEN YOU LEFT ME IN YOUR CLASSROOM DURING THAT TEACHER CONFERENCE.
Number two.. who are you to involve MY MOTHER in matters regarding MY CHILD?? You contacted her regarding and issue with him.. is this not breaking some kind of rule??
Oh I could go on forever here.. but I am already taking up too much space..
bottom line I DO NOT ACCEPT YOUR BEHAVIOR lady
BUT THE BOTTOM LINE is this..

be happy you do not have my child on your team..
not only would he pick grass and put in his hat.. he would force his team mates to eat it while repeatedly beating them in the head with his brand new aluminum baseball bat and playing with is weiner with the other hand..

I hope this made you at LEAST laugh a little..

hhmm then again you could be hiding under the sofa rereading your roster in search of any kids with the nickname of Dude!!! Get out of there you BIG SISSY!!!

I love that Ann Marie got to vent.. :0)

I look forward to TBall every year..my step son doesn't play, I just like stories from Team Evans.

Remember that sweet fluffy pink hello kitty purse you guys gave your niece for hanukah? Maybe she'd let him borrow that one for practice... It would probably catch real well. Though i think she's using it to store her ray gun. Too bad.

Love the purse response! Glad I'm no coach, it's hard enough to get them to learn to ride with no training wheels. (which still hasn't been done!) HA!

Jeesh.. Maybe I should NOT post 30 minutes after taking a Vicodin! I am so sorry.

My boy's going for baseball this year instead of soccer, and it's machine pitch.

I'm going to have to eat that "big girl panties" remark I made back in '05 ...

Ann Marie...good for you get it out...you have probley done this already but you might want to consider changing his environment...ask for a change in classroom or even schools if necessary... he is 9 and pushing his boundries... if his teacher doesn't have control of the 'situation' at school how can she expect you to handle it... you have to do your part at home but... some of this adds up to boys being testosterone filled alpha male impress the girls be the best....you get the point..if he were a 13 year old girl you would be getting calls about your hussy daughter wearing lipstick and kissing boys in the stairs wearning microminny skirts and belly tops when you KNOW she left the house in a sweat shirt pony tail and baggy jeans...Good luck with it.

Nope, Bossy disagrees - you can't catch fly balls in your purse. Bar flies, maybe.

Danny thinks commenters who refer to themselves in the third person are not a whole lot different from the commenters who talk like pirates.

Oh me nerves...

I've got a question for you Danny, since you're a coach and all. My sons play soccer; Captain Destructo plays mini kicks (instructional) and Jr plays co-ed U8. Our season is divided in two: Fall and Spring. Last season (fall) we played with no goalies. This season (spring) we're keeping the no goalie rule and modifying the kick off. Well, they're pretty much getting rid of the kick off altogether; since there's no goalies there's no one to keep the kick off from scoring a point. Apparently there were some 8 year olds who cried because they didn't win games. The solution? No score keeping! This has me pissed off; Hubby doesn't seem to care. What do you think?

Warcrygirl (if indeed that's your real name),

Our Little League doesn't start keeping score in games until the kids are eight years old, at which point they presume the kids have outgrown the "I'll cry like a scared puppy if we don't win " reflex.

But we all know that the kids are keeping score in their heads. So we have implemented the "You Cry, We Beat You" system of discipline. I saw it on Supernanny.

well I am positive if the third personers and the pirate talkers got on your nerves... I am sure my post with the constant use of (...'s) and my continous rambling pushed you right over the EDGE.

WE MAY NEVER HEAR FROM DGM AGAIN AND IT WILL BE ALL MY FAULT!!

Argh me hearties.......

In my experience it is always the coach's kid who cries. Always.

We had to hand the coaching duties off to another parent just so my kid could get through a game. But even if my husband fills in for one game...tears. And lots of them.

God, parenthood is a blast.

Oh I am SO glad there is another crybaby kid out there like mine. Don't get me wrong, my son is a smart, empathetic, funny kid. But he can not stand to do anything wrong. The waterworks were pretty much a weekly event during basketball season. Mostly, he said, because he was the WORST player on the team. Well, hon, when you are one of two 1st graders who have never played basketball on a team of 2nd graders, maybe that will happen! It drives his dad absolutely MENTAL to see him cry. I am no help because I was the same way, but of course, I was a girl and nobody ever tried the purse comment on me...

And you know if that hand is not on the wiener it is digging a wedgie out of the other side!

Last year ourteam was so good that one team forfeited rather than play us a second time. It was a 7-8 year old league. Through some fluke we had the six best kids in the league on one team. At the end of the year I handed out trophies and said "congratulations, you've all just peaked at 8"

"And men don’t play with their wieners during baseball practice."

This does not compute!

Got to add another comment

my youngest plays hockey, and for the 1st half of the season was the goalie.

they played inn a tounament where he faced 128 shots in 3 games
He let in 22 over the 3 games
which is not really that bad when you think about (HE"S 8)

There were tears though

MINE

You need a bucket full of beers in the dugout and an overgrown kid named Kelly riding on his bike to help save the day...

You are right. You don't play with your wiener during baseball practice, you play with your wiener all the time.....

I will be borrowing the line about bringing the purse. Thank you

Thanks for your input. So far Jr wants to continue playing (which is good cuz quitters suck) but my fear is that those whiny 8 year olds will be the whiny 9 year olds in the U10 league. Will she change the rules yet again or tell the kids to suck it up? And who's to stop us from keeping score for the kids?

If his aim at my head with Legos is any indication, my boy is going to be a freaking genius t-ball player this summer. Of course, I have to teach him that there's no tackling in baseball first.

Your diversionary tactic with the purse got us thinking about what might make our 7-year-old laugh and forget about crying. What sprang immediately to mind?

Farts. We are seriously going to try this. Of course here in the midwest we will have to try it on the soccer field first as baseball does not start until April!

Thanks for the humor! I coach my son, same deal. On top of it we have a mouthy mommy sitting on the side making rude comments. Her son would be spanked for crying. Meanwhile old Eddie Haskel does whatever he wants when she's not watching, which is most of the time! Thanks for the post, little league coaches need a sanity check from time to time.