When Kate Winslet appeared on the Oscar telecast Sunday night, I turned to Hot Wife and said, “If I ever leave you, it’ll be for her.”

“But I thought you were in love with Jessica Biel,” she said.

“Well, yeah. I am. But she’s got the kind of stunning beauty that could feasibly be intimidating to a guy with very little game. Not that that has anything to do with me because I’ve got mad game, as you know. Anyway, Kate’s more normal. She’s beautiful like you’re beautiful.”

“Kate?” she said. “You and she are on a first name basis?”

“Shit, honey, I’ve seen her boobies in like 20 different movies,” I said. “And I think she even showed the beaver in a movie once. I guess that practically makes us an item, and items call each other by their first names, do they not? She’s got really huge areolas though. Huge. Like Frisbees. Salad plates. That could be a potential deal-breaker for me. Big nipples scare me.”

“I see,” she said.

(Hot Wife is having trouble determining which celebrity she’d leave me for. It used to be Paul Newman exclusively, but liver spots and crotchety old man behavior have sullied him in my wife’s eyes.)

I wondered aloud if any of these celebrities looked as perfect in person as they do on TV. I heard some guys on the radio talking about Penelope Cruz’s badonka-donk and whether or not she’d had ass implants. That’s the kind of thing men discuss amongst ourselves because it’s absolutely essential information. The bedrock of any man’s intellectual existence is knowing who leads the league in home runs, who has the remote, who drank the last can of Bud Light and whose celebrity boobs are fake.

This discussion dovetailed with my absolute disgust for celebrity interviewers, especially the asshats who stand next to the red carpet and lob softball after softball at the stars. “Who are you wearing?” “Is this your mother?” “Who would you like to see win tonight?” So as we watched the stars arriving, I found myself playing Armchair Seacrest.

“Hey Forest! What's up with your eye, dude?”

“Gayle from the Oprah show? You suck! What qualifications do you have to be here aside from the fact that the richest woman in the world calls you her 'best friend', which we all know is code for 'we're gay together.'”

“Oh, so you’re up for best animated short film? Perhaps you can answer a question for me then. Who cares? Seriously. Who gives half a shit about that category? No one ever knows anything about any of the nominees, we never see them and it really does seem like a tremendous waste of time. Couldn’t you do this at Denny’s or something and save us all the agony?”

So yes: I was bitter. The whole show is just a parade of nitwits and plastic surgery nightmares and people who are more popular than talented.

But toward the end of the show I saw something very peculiar. When Steven Spielberg was on stage presenting the best director award, the camera cut away to a shot of his wife, Kate Something. In the seat next to her, where her husband had been sitting, there was some unknown goober in a rented tux sitting up straight with his hands in his lap. He clearly didn’t belong.

I remember hearing once that these big-time awards shows hire people to serve as “seat-fillers.” To make it look like every seat is occupied, as if no one ever has to take a potty break or sneak into the cloakroom to snort some blow, they fill the seats with nobodies.

Next year, I’m going to be one of the nobodies.

I am resolving right now to find a way to be a seat-filler at next year’s Oscars. There is likely to be some sort of attractiveness clause that I can’t possibly fulfill, but the Academy will most certainly overlook that when they see how many other criteria I can meet:

1. I’m Jewish. I hear that’s a huge advantage in Hollywood.
2. I have considered writing a screenplay.
3. I know more about film than Joan and Melissa River combined.
4. I own a tuxedo.
5. I know how to look falsely happy for no good reason.
6. I live in Southern California.
7. I am willing to pay to play. If they vote me in, I will reward them all with a free Hot Wife t-shirt (even the men) (which isn’t terribly outrageous in Hollywood) (snap, snap).
8. I’ve been around famous people before and I only lost control of my bowels once, and that was in front of Michael Jordan, who isn’t even an actor so…

I kid, but I’m totally and completely serious about going for this. Because how else will I ever have the opportunity to sit next to Kate Winslet? How else will I ever be able to ask her if she’d like to go out for a milkshake after the ceremony? And how else will I ever get a beautiful, famous, lovely woman who loves to take her clothes off on camera to tell me to go fuck myself with a perfect British accent.

Comments

I can practice my British accent if you like, chap.

...good luck with that. I think you'd be perfect. ;)

I would like to go too so I can find the man that I would leave you for.(Like that would ever happen.)

Oh boy how much fun would that be! I think you should do the research asap! Heck, Hot Wife should do it too and she'd find that special someone seated right next to, first name, Kate. Wearing a tux with a Hot Wife t-shirt underneath with a matching Hot pink bow tie that she'd fall madly in love with and live happily ever after!

I wonder if there's a seat-filler's union? I already have experience... as a corporate budget seat-filler. You know, the job that does nothing except ensure prestige for the middle manager who can add another $100K to his budgetary resume?

If you go, you must take pics, if you hook up with Kate, you must also take pics.

I thought you already got that from HW? Does the person NEED to be British.

Kate goes for chubby short men, you're tall, sleak and foxxy!

That would be fabulous fun! Go for it!

What a coincidence - because Bossy is a seat-filler in her very own home!

I actually looked up Forest on Wikipedia to find out what was up with the eye. Nothing exciting just a case of strabismus--plain old lazy eye. I was hoping for some sort of violent childhood mishap. Celebrities can be so boring!

Delurking - Why in the world do you own a tuxedo?

This was a Seinfeld epsidoe... You could be Kramer and wind up on stage with a group of lighting techs from Harry Potter 9 accepting an award. Be sure to prepare a speech.

Annegirrl, I bought the tux for our wedding. I think I've worn it once since then.

Why a seat filler? You should host the damn thing!

Now THAT I'd love to see!

You'd be really good at it. You've got TALENT, baby! You've WORKED at the seat filling thing for decades. Not like those other seat filler hacks.

Damn. I thought Kate was Australian. I'm so proud of what I don't know about the entertainment industry.

As someone with a real cor blimey british accent, entres nous, it is amazing the shit you can come out with--the inane, the utterly mispronunced, the mispelled, the banal, the filthy--and we get away with it. Even when we're complete morons. And I do exploit this shamelessly, must say.

I was at a party recently and was swearing like a fishwife (as you do) and some guy said "you know, I normally hate it when women swear, but coming from you it's OK"

So I told him to go fuck himself. Right up the arse. (wanker).

Seat filler? Isn't that Hollywood's version of the fluffer?

Around our house, we refer to Kate Winslet as my husband's "secret girlfriend." Perhaps you should challenge him to a duel, so that the two of you can determine who can worship her from afar.

P.S. to Hot Wife: George Clooney. He's dreamy.

Hmm, I can match you on number five, but that's it. Oh! I can clap and nod, too! That's it, it's a lock. See you on the red carpet about a year from now?

Hot Wife should consider putting Kate Winslet on *her* Celebrity To Leave Spouse For list. Because Kate looks like she goes in for kinky fun, and because a little husband-wife tag-team celebrity stalking could be kinda hot, you know.

Hee! At Joy. Love it. Snorted with laughter at that.

Was a seat filler for the Tony's in 2000. Pretty cool gig. Would have been cooler if I knew who any of those people were. Anyway, the rules are dress pretty, and under no circumstances speak to the talent. Good luck

Oh right, Cheryl. Like I could ever adhere to that rule.

Hot Wife - Patrick Dempsey!! He's McDreamy :)

People, all suggestions will be considered and strictly evaluated. Clooney, maybe. Dempsey, although cute, I'm not feeling it. What else you got?

I work with Gayle (O's bff) and I'd like to say she's very nice and very funny. Thank god for sites like seatfiller.com; we thought about doing stuff like that when we were in college. You totally should. I can just see all us DGM fans hollering at the screen when they flash to you. Haha

In my humble opinion, the ONLY reason any man should watch Titanic is to see Kate in all her gloriousness.

AND she likes chubby, short men?? The PartsGuy is in like Flynn!!
(well, unless she requires good looks, in which case I'm screwed.)

Oh, and for Hotwife... Sam Elliot.

DGM,

Sorry I have to respond to Joy first - wanker is so under -utilised in this country, it was supposed to be the new "word" over here years ago.

It never happened, I highly recommend its use in any number of challenging social situations.

HotWife: Adrian Brody. Josh Lucas. Antonio Banderas (whom I actually met in Spain years ago, pre-Melanie, and he was such a mensch.)

The Cruz caboose? She wore a fake one for that movie. Just so you can share tidbit with your buds over a Bud. You'll be such a star!

Wanker is nice but it can't hold a candle to "tosser."

Just don't call HW a "Bint"

Oh, and how about about
winjing(sp) sod?

I suggest starting with these goobers as your getting-to-the-Oscars gurus. Guru Goobers, as it were.

http://www.nobodyswatching.tv/blog/?p=10

Can I just say that my (genuine) English accent has allowed me to *ahem* 'meet' so many women in the USA and Canada that I recommend every bloke go out and practice one now.

Joy - brilliant comment.

And why is it that the most angelic-looking Irish people can drop the F bomb with such impunity? My college roommate looked like a choirgirl (as opposed to a chorus girl) and her "mam" was just as cherubic and they made my ears blister.
"Ma, where the F are my trainers?"
"Rita, lass, have you looked under your F-ing bed?"
This exchange occurred without the slightest trace of heat.
Astonishing.

Danny --

That's a lot of work to get rejected like that. I'll bet you could find a bar near the British embassy someplace and get your dream fulfilled without all the work you'd have to invest in this project.

Hot Wife: Clooney has lousy dark teeth. You should go classy and exotic -- Denzel Washington. Go for broke.

Dream big, Danny! Go for the gold!

I am with Tburns, study the Seinfeld episode with Krammer doing the seat filler job at the Tony's until you have it down pat, then you will be ready to audition!!
Sidebar- What about Anne Hathaway (post Disney movies) for your back up love interest? Pls consider....
DJ

Hot Wife- definitely Sam Elliot, also try Tom Selleck, and one of the best, Matthew McConoughey.
DGM-Jessica Biel, absolutely! I'd leave my husband for her! Kate Winslet, no. Besides, I have big areolas too and they don't scare me!

Does that mean you think you're too good for The Price is Right now?

DOES IT?

Well, as much as I try to find a new celeb crush, I always go back to Johnny Depp. I am not sure about tall, but the Dark and Handsome work for me. I'd like to imagine extremely good in bed as well. Snork. HEY... it's my crush.. I can imagine it ANY WAY I LIKE! Besides, he is just left of center, a little odd, just like me. Of course, if ya just threw bald in there, it would be my dh, so I gots it good regardless.

And my BF in the UK loves to say wanker. Cracks me up. And why do they always apologize for saying Bloody?

We all need goals. I think it's admirable. Silly, but admirable. I like silly. And admirable. I'd like to thank the Academy for making me post such a ridiculous comment.

Everytime my kids asked me what I wanted for my birthday or Christmas I always said the guy in the Soloflex ads. Talk about a hot body. Sssssizzle! I also like Johnny Depp, until I see him when he's not in a movie. Then I just want to shove his head in the sink and wash his hair. But he sure can act.
I wonder if the seat fillers get to pick up a goody bag from the swag room.

Have you seen Kate in Extras? She likes to talk dirty and it is the funniest thing ever.
I wish my accent hadn't become a freaky amalgam of British and Southern. It has to be heard to be believed.
Hot Wife: Choose Zach Braff or Paul Rudd. Or Andy Samberg. They make me melt.

Ah seat filling ain't so grand. They treat you like shit and you're to permitted to speak with the person next to you even if it's another seat filler.

While all "stuck on themselves" leave for all the great parties with favors you leave emptied handed, if you're smart you managed to snag a swag bag.

I point you in the direction of the seat filler company.