Last night all four of us huddled under the covers and read a children’s book about some bratty little kid named Timothy who wouldn’t change his socks for a whole month. As the days turned to weeks, Timothy started to smell like shit. His friends left him. His parents kicked him out of the house. And even his little dog, his most loyal supporter, began to suggest that Timothy smells like ass and should really consider a footwear change. But Timothy persevered.

Every children’s book has a message about being a good person, and the message of this one was “Finish what you start even if it means ignoring your parents and alienating everyone you know, because you, young man, are stubborn, defiant, rebellious little douchebag and everyone knows that’s way better than being a good listener or adhering to even the most basic grooming decorum. Keep it real, boys and girls, just like Timothy.”

When we mercifully finished the last page of the book, it was bedtime for the kids. Hot Wife tells the kids to go potty before they climb into bed. The Champ does so without a peep. But our daughter, The Artist Formerly Known As Barney’s Biggest Fan, chooses to remain in our bed. Her arms are crossed in defiance.

“Honey,” I say, “you heard what mommy said. You need to go potty.”

“No,” she says.

“Yes. Come on. Let’s go potty right now.”

“No.”

Well. This is a new one. She often likes to push the boundaries and whine when she is asked to do something she doesn’t like, but she has never been quite this firm or curt. This is clearly Timothy’s fault.

So now we start to go down the checklist of Responsible Ways A Parent Can Get His Daughter To Go To The Fucking Bathroom Already.

IDIOT METHOD 1: GIVE THE CHILD CHOICES
“OK, you have two choices,” Hot Wife says. “You can either cooperate with us and go to the bathroom or you can go sit in the penalty box for four minutes. Which do you choose?”

Nothing. Total silence. Just a defiant staredown.

Swing and a miss.

IDIOT METHOD 2: BE FIRM
I lean in, put my face three inches from hers, furrow my brow and say, “I want you to get up right now and go to the bathroom. Now. Now!”

Nothing.

There must be millions of other Idiot Methods, but I’m frustrated and there is a Tivo’d hockey game waiting for me in the living room and FUCK! THIS!

POSSIBLY HEAVY-HANDED AND MEAN BUT TOTALLY EFFECTIVE METHOD 1: STRONGARM THE BRAT
I reach over and adhere The Vulcan Grip of Death to my daughter’s left bicep. She begins to cry, but she is moving. She scoots herself down from the bed and follows my lead into the bathroom. I lift her and set her down on the potty, and she begins to cry harder. But as she cries, she pees.

Good guys win, 1-0.

Suffice it to say we have obliterated any possibility that our daughter will follow Timothy’s hard-headed penchant for subverting the dominant paradigm and generally being a smelly motherfucker.

But she’ll also need to learn that people don’t cry when they pee unless they have a venereal disease, a kidney stone, the fear of an unwanted positive on a pregnancy test, or a bladder infection. Then and only then can she cry, especially on the first and third options, because each of those will result in her immediate excommunication from the family and a lifetime of sleeping in a van down by the river near smelly people like Timothy.

Comments

I have to wonder is THIS was the book that formed a crucial part of our president's personality.

She will NOT sleep by the river. She can come live at Aunt Wondersis's house, no matter how smelly or skanky or kinda pregnant. Well, at least one and three.

I never liked that name Timothy!!!

Timothy sounds like an ass who needs to be sold to the gypsies

There will be plenty of time to live in a van down by the river...when your living in a van down by the river.

Silliyak- Any snarky comment I was going to make was just usurped by yours. I cannot top that, nor do I want to.

DGM- I can throw out an amen and we are going through the same thing with a 16yoDS and grades. He gets grounded for anything below a C (mind you.. brilliant child who used to get straight A's) and now refuses to get one grade above a C in defiance of the authority. :-)

When I finally have kids, I'll want to read DGM's "Guide to Parenting" cover to cover...
You and Hot Wife are my heroes...

Leonesse- Thank you. In a previous life I was known as the king of one liners. I'd rather be able to write as well as Dan, but watcha gonna do?

Noodles, your comment made me envision my daugher living with Chris Farley (the alive version), and that's just scary.

DDQ, will you be my agent?

Nice to know someone else employs the Vulcan Grip of Death!

Ditto on the VGD (Vulcan Grip of Death). Apparently four-year-olds have a tremendous tolerance to all other approaches. The VGD is a weapon of almost last resort for me (a little higher on the list for dh who is less concerned with protocol), but a necessary one. However, #2 son has recently developed a strong aversion to naps and I am now able to blackmail him into good behavior (i.e., no throwing of anything closely resembling a fit) by rewarding him with lack of nappage! We are on Fitless Day 3 and counting...

Good luck with the whole defiance bit. It's my favorite part of parenting. NOT!

Quick question: why don't more people comment?

Hot Wife is of the very enthusiastic opinion that my writing blows people away and renders them unable to type. I can't possibly agree with that. I know a lot of people read but so few comment. Why?

When I was about 5 years old, I said something mean to my mom. My dad overheard me and made me sit on the couch until I was ready to apologize. Four hours later, they gave in.

...and they never read me Timothy.

Hot Wife, as always, is correct!! Never, Ever read Timothy again. Instead, try introducing your future government cheese-eaters to the Hippopotamus with noodles on his back. He can get children to do anything. (just google it and you will be hooked too) As a parting comment from a "been there done that" with 2 grown daughters, TAFKABBF is practicing and by the teens will have the manipulation of dad down to an art!

All the creativity in the blogoshpere is being sucked up by the Pioneer Woman (http://www.thepioneerwoman.com/) and her Valentine's caption contest. Not to mention she got all her readers sedated on lasagne and chocolate cake...

Ah, yes- the VDG. We employ that on our almost four year old on a near daily basis. Especially me, the Bad Cop of the parenting twosome. I am glad to know that I am not alone. Sometimes I feel like a big ole meanie, but alas, bribing does not work so well anymore.

And thanks for letting us know about that damn book. We will avoid it like the plague. You have done a true public service, DGM.

Some of us are just shy. And we don't really have anything clever to add. Except that thanks to your Wondersis, I now say cocksucker more than I ever have in my life. But that's not really on topic...

It's true! I don't comment so much here because I'm seething with jealousy. Good writing AND spelling... Maybe I should go on some meds, paranoia runs in my family, but that's just what you'd want me to do isn't it?

When watching Supernanny, I often wonder if dealing with these disobedient children (ex: Where the parents, repeatedly, lead their children back to The Naughty Chair hundreds of times... and in the process, the child is doing nothing but consuming COUNTLESS HOURS OF THEIR PARENT'S LIFE!!!)... if, instead, simply applying THE VULCAN GRIP OF DEATH wouldn't bring these kids' bad-ass little attitudes to a huge screeching halt.

Oh, and you rock, btw.

I read everyday but rarely comment becuase....well...you have usually said it all- what else can I contribute to the conversation.........

Danny.. once again... I blew hot coffee out of my nose. Thanks.

Good thing I am into pain.

Ok.. so I have a VERY defiant 9yo son. OMG.. to get him ready in the mornings is UNREAL! I currently have a fractured knee cap and I was the only one here with him two days ago while he was getting ready and I was sitting in the living room doing close to your options one and two.. when I reverted to option 3.. which was not like yours at all and DID NOT have the effect of yours I hate to say.. Option 3 was.. in a really loud scary death voice.. BOY YOU BETTER GET YOUR CLOTHES ON RIGHT THIS MINUTE (keep in mind he had already spent 15 minutes and had only taken off his pj bottoms) YOU REALLY DO NOT WANT ME TO COME IN THERE!!!

to which I heard a giggle followed by..

"Yea.. like you can."

So I reverted to Option 4.
I took another pain pill and cried.

DGM.. I LOVE LOVE LOVE your writing and I have to say hot wife is right.. I am in such awe I can't comment most days.

Happy VD to you..

My choices would have gone down more like this "You have two choices, go in the bathroom and pee now or risk the possibility of peeing in your bed and sleeping in your wet pee bed all night since there is no way I am changing your wet pee bed in the middle of the night when you refused to pee before bed." (You have to be willing to stick to your word, and my kids know I am)

Kids can get reasonable real fast when presented with some harsh reality.

Great post!

I don't comment much because all mine would just say "Great post!".

Just so we're clear, I really do appreciate those of you who do comment, especially those who I've inadvertently brainwashed into thinking I'm some kind of supernatural word magician guy. Which I am. Obviously.

Comments are the currency of blogging. I get paid by your words. And since I am supposed to speak at SXSW next month about how to make money as a parent blogger (read: how to be a whore), you should listen to me when I say PAY UP, BITCHES! If you don't, I will find you and crush you.

Anne Marie, it would really help me a lot if you would NOT say Hot Wife is right. On anything. It's bad enough that it's true, but she doesn't need additional motivation. Coppice?

O.k. I read your blog every time there is a new one posted; furthermore, I am always extremely disappointed when I check your blog and there isn't a new post. I don't know why I never comment; I guess because you really hit your topic right on the head and there is really nothing more to add. Maybe close your post with a question so you get some good feedback.
You are definetly the God of blogging dgm.

Timothy is a bad influence. I suggest that book be hidden, never to see the light of day again.

To all those who agree with me, you are brilliant as well(and most likely female). Thank you for the support.

I am the single mom of an 18 year old son. He learned at a young age that I don't give option 1, 2 or 3. He laughs now when we watch Super Nanny, and says you would have told me once then when I didn't mind it was straight to the "OH MY GOD SHE WAS SERIOUS" phase. Not that I was a "Mommy Dearest" but who in the hell has time to play that shit.

BTW: I check in on your site everyday, just never have posted a comment before. You crack me up.

There's too much pressure to post something witty in this comments section! I'm stressed out! That's why I rarely comment. :)

And does anyone else feel like we've got some sort of backstage pass or something when DGM visits his comments section to interact with the fans? ;)

Woudln't it be awesome if this WAS backstage at a big DGM concert? Do you think Danny would sign my baby? ("You're not gonna wanna wash that off for a while..." And we're back full-circle to Timothy's putrescence.)

I have nothing witty to say.....
but I LOVE the sign my baby comment, Werbie!
and DGM, if I knew how to be an agent- You would be my first client!!!

I comment on occasion but read constantly. Even got myself a Dad Gone Mad shirt.

Dear Supernatural Word Magician Guy: Perhaps I'm just shy and didn't think you'd want to hear my running commentary, because it's all along the lines of "Yes! Right! Ha! Perfect!"

Solemn vow, here. I'll start paying up if you stop calling me a bitch.

Your blog is a daily read for me. I have never commented before though. But today's entry was so freaking funny that I just felt like I had to. All your entries are funny but this one was priceless! Keep em' coming!

Not completely unrelated, but:

When I was younger, the teacher read out one of the Ramona books where she gets in trouble for asking why, in that book about the guy with the steamshovel (I'm 27! Like I remember what it's called...), anyway, why he never has to get out and go to the bathroom.

That Ramona book RUINED me for life, becasue now I can't help read a book or watch a movie or TV show and wonder where/how they go potty. Honestly. Series of Unfortunate Events? Who's changing Sunny's diapers? Do pirates just hang over the side and let go? How does that work for, say, Elizabeth Swann?

Argh.

Alright already >.>

I shall pay you... Reluctantly with a comment. I think that your writing is one of the best out there. The cleverest, animated and most exciting entries can be found here. No one holds a deal next to yours.

If there's one thing I learned from your wisdom, it's that girls are harder to raise. Why is that?

About the visiots who leave without commenting... I have them too. Except mine are awfully stingy. I am considered lucky if one out of the bunch who come ever comment. I don't comment here because I selfishly read your entries and leave it at that. I don't have kids of my own but I LOVE your style. You're a great and brave man, despite what you claim (being a wuss).

So shall I comment even if I know nothing? Can I dwell on your brilliance in writing and as a person?

You get more comments that anyone else I know! The percentage of lurkers is always in direct proportion to the amount of actual comments you get. And did I say that you get more than any other blog?
Oh, and does my lurking without commenting mean that I'm shoplifting?

OK, OK, I'll comment. You put into words, the exact things I experience daily. My kiddo's are the same age range as yours, although #2 is a boy, which at times creates entirely new problems. You have made me find some humor in the daily things which once only frustrated me. I catch myself thinking, "How would DGM write about this"?

By the way....I use the VDG with great success.

Little Timmy needs to get kicked to the curb. Mrs. Piggle Wiggle is who you need right now >^_^<

I will wear my socks for 3 days..not concecutive though.
Only from 8-5..then the tube socks go on. I do this cause the dryer eats them and I only have 3 pair. I'm too lazy to go to Target and buy more.

I read every day and often drag my hubby over to read as well. I don't often comment because, as someone else stated, I just don't feel witty or clever enough to add a whole lot to the dialogue. Sorry. I like to lurk.

grrr posted and it did not show up...so if this is double...SORRY!

I read and post most of the time. My husband also comes here daily and LOL with/at you... heehee..

I don't post all the time because I work full time have over an hour commute each way and a stinky whinny ass two year old and a whinny, ungrateful five year old at home eating up all of my time.

I started a blog about two weeks ago and although it has been read about 200 times no one has left a comment at all so consider yourself lucky... either I am extreamly BAD or oh god damnit...I bet I am really Bad... shit.

I must admit, I have used the "The Vulcan Grip of Death" when nothing else "inspires" one of my anklebiters to move.

Great post. Now go wash your socks.

I know a lot of people read but so few comment. Why? Maybe it is your breath Timmy, I mean Danny.

I am of the ilk that they get asked once, reminded with the addition what will happen if they don't, and if I have to ask a third time it is with the VDG or said punishment.

I have a joke that I use when people say my kids are well behaved, or when other kids are not. I say "That's why you beat them!" It is just a joke, but I believe that corporal punishment has its place.

Just be careful using the "strong arm" technique too much or your daughter may end up a bemoaning 20-something pseudo-intellectual who uses the force of her entire will to choose the exact opposite choice of what daddy would like because the last thing she wants to do is admit that you've ever been right. Ever. About peeing or Timmy or anything. You're wrong daddy! You're sooo damn wrong!
(woah...please forgive the above rant and pardon me as I retire to go cry on the toilet now for reason #1, or as I call it, the "Valentine's surprise")

Is it just me, or could anyone else hear the soundtrack to a Budweiser "Real Men of Genius" ad playing in the background of the 2nd paragraph

And please don't ask a leading question in order to get feedback---that is such a tacky and obvious way of getting feedback, it makes my teeth hurt.

I agree with HW I'm usually laughing too hard to type coherently

My kids loved that book!!!