All of My Dreams Are About Nailing Celebrities
I’ve taken quite a shine to Indian food lately, but I still can’t get over the fact that most of it looks like vomit. There’s only so much chopped parsley and pieces of purple cabbage can camouflage, and it becomes clear when you scrape all of that aside that you have to examine and take a risk that what lies beneath is lentils in sauce and not the remnants of someone’s hard-partying Thursday night. As the old Dr. Demento song goes, “My God, that’s moose turd pie! It’s good though.”
I was enjoying a heaping plate of rice and green, spinachy throw-up with some friends this afternoon when the conversation turned to dreams. One friend said she’d had an amazing dream last night and hadn’t been able to stop thinking about it since. Something about a field of flowers, a bare-chested construction worker and several bong hits.
She then asked us what we dream about.
I thought about it for a sec.
“All of my dreams are about nailing celebrities,” I said.
“Seriously?” she asked. “Which celebrities?”
“It varies by my mood,” I said. “If I’m feeling peppy and virile, it’s Jessica Biel or Kate Beckinsale or Ginger from Gilligan’s Island. If I’m pissed off I seem to dream about the rebellious, angry women, like Pat Benatar, Gina Glocksen or that hot brunette from the Dixie Chicks.”
“Pat Benatar?!”
“Don’t judge me.”
“What if you’re in a grumpy, depressed, woebegon mood like the one you always seem to be in at work?” she asked.
“Excellent question. You might find this very surprising – and possibly repulsive – but in times like those I find myself fantasizing about…women who are…less…young…than the others.”
“Such as?”
“I’d rather not say,” I said sheepishly.
“You don’t have a choice, Danny,” she said. “You can’t just tee it up like that and leave me hanging. I need names.”
“Barbara Bush.”
“Ewww-uh! Guh-rosse! Who else?”
“Carol Burnett. Mary Tyler Moore. Maude.”
“You are a fucking sicko, dude! Those women are old enough to be your grandmother! Check please!”
Her brow furrows and she turns red and she starts digging in her purse for her pepper spray. I start to laugh.
“What’s so fucking funny, freak? Didja just see a hot octogenarian or something?”
“Dude. Dude! I was joking. Relax.”
“Are you serious? You were joking? Honestly? Because if you weren’t I’m going to mace your ass.”
“Completely joking,” I said. “I never dream of anyone older than Soledad O’Brien.”
“Good,” she says, visibly relieved.
“Now if you’ll excuse me,” I say, “I’m going to get another plate of puke.”
Oh, I'd SOOOOOOOOO prefer having sex dreams involving celebs over people I actually KNOW. It never fails that I'll have a sex dream over a co-worker or neighbor and, when I see that person the next day, I turn a million shades of red because I'm somehow CONVINCED they KNOW that I was dreaming about them.
My other fave is getting woken up mid-dream. I can't ever get my head to continue along so I can get to the good stuff ... dammit.
Keep dreaming, honey.
Maude!?! I would not even say that joking with someone I know really, really well.
Time to have the meds adjusted bro.
All my sex dreams seem to involve strangers. Does that say something about me? (No, I am not a prostitute.)
My husband always LOVES when I have a risque dream...somehow HE is the one who benefits EVERY SINGLE TIME no matter who the dream was about:-)
Lucky him....(and me!!!)
LOL! I'm only 38 but I think Jack Nicholson is the sexiest man alive... My husband thinks I'm a weirdo...
Hey, as long as who you're banging is of-age I've got no problem with it. It's not like Hermoine Granger was on that list.
Up with Mike up there....MAUDE??!!
Dude, that is SO not even a little bit right.
You had to go the puke route when I have been cleaning it up from a two year old for two days right??? Nice...
I usually dream about people I know... odd.. I am not really into celebraties...they are sort of into them selves enough for all of us... my husband says he just dreams of women in general...fantasy women but not anyone specifically.
Julie
Pat Benatar?!?!?
I wouldn't fuck her with Barbara Bush's dick and Maude pushing.
Of course, I used to have a thing for Jodie Foster -- Contact era, not "The Doris Day Show" era. And not in the John Hinkley kind of way. And ... um ... yeah.
I'll just STFU now.
I think it was Dom Herrera at a celebrity roast who said of some less than attractive celebrity "I wouldn't fuck her with Bea Arhtur's dick"
Maude indeed.
Want to cure depression the natural way? Toss the Prozac and buy a few seasons of Golden Girls on DVD. Pure geriatric vagina-fest with a hint of lesbianism. In fact, perhaps you can dry-hump a Brillo pad for the total multi-media effect.
God's gonna get you for this, Danny.
I'm just thankful you didn't say Rosie O'Donnell...
Oh good Indian food! That ought to help the fart factor.
Barbara Bush? What the shit?
John
I knew you had to be joking...because there's no way Maude would make it before Rue McClanahan.
We eat a lot of Indian food. The huz really likes it and I like it alright, too, but it DOES look like vomit. TOTALLY. But those little chunks of white cheese mixed in with the barfy green spinach? LOVE.
And I'm so relieved that you were joking about Maude. She was scary 35 years ago.
Holy hell!
She should have maced your ass just for mentioning some of those names and "nailing" in the same sentence.
oh c'mon...I knew he was joking...I mean he's sick, but he's not THAT sick...
and I mean that as a compliment...
...but now I'll never be able to eat Indian food thankyouverymuch...
"Love is a battlefield" and "Sex is a weapon"
Is Maude even a woman? Or just a really bad cross-dresser?
I'm 23 and have had a ridiculously huge crush on Tom Hanks and Tim Allen for...over 10 years now for Tom Hanks, about...4 for Tim Allen.
APPARENTLY THATS WIERD AND CREEPY?!!?? Huh.
Soledad AND Maude...together...excuse me, I need a moment.
"don't judge me."
That's classic. And don't mention Soledad O'Brien. The scars have not yet healed.
You're dreaming of Gina Glocksen ALREADY? DAMN!
Interestingly, mostly brunettes, and Hot Wife is not. Hmmm.