Cake
I’ll start by telling you I watched An Inconvenient Truth last night and it’s clear to me that we’re all going to die soon. Please adjust your schedule accordingly.
Given that the end is near, I’m paying close attention to the efficiency of my actions. I’m endeavoring to live a “green” life, streamlining things so I don’t want to waste time or energy on extraneous, inessential tasks like bathing or changing my socks everyday or paying my taxes. We don’t have much time left, and when the polar ice shelves melt and sea level rises 20 feet and my house becomes submerged under the Pacific Ocean, I don’t want to find myself dog-paddling for the surface and wishing I’d spent more of my time on this planet flossing.
Sadly, my wife does not share this sense of urgency. She’s still content to spend the time she has left on the most frivolous of tasks, summarily thumbing her nose at the looming Armageddon.
For example…
At our daughter’s birthday party, we must have snapped 500 pictures of the kids running and jumping and coughing on each other. Not long before it was time for our birthday girl to blow out her candles, the little battery-shaped icon on the camera started blinking. Probably only a few shots left, and I didn’t have extra batteries with me. I walked over to inform Hot Wife of the situation. Her response:
“Make sure you save enough juice to take a picture of the cake.”
“What?” I asked.
“I want a picture of the cake before we cut into it,” she said.
Not this again.
Throughout our 14-year relationship, Hot Wife has been insistent that we take photos of the food spreads at various important occasions. During our honeymoon in Jamaica, she demanded that I take a picture of the buffet. At our son’s bris, she made me take a picture of the cold cuts and rye bread. And I have been commanded to take a photograph of each birthday cake at every one of our children’s birthdays (that’s 11 pictures of cake) (11 pictures of inanimate slabs of frosting and red piping that says the same thing every single time).
So Sunday, despite the prospect of imminent death by global warming, she saw fit to have me take another stupid picture of food – pictures I feel confident to say will NEVER again be viewed. Because who’s really going to give a fuck what a $20 Costco sheetcake looked like when it’s 150 degrees outside and our nipples are melting?
“No way, dude,” I said to my wife. “I’m not taking a picture of the cake. I refuse.”
And you know what’s funny? When my darling wife looks at me with hate in her eyes and her arms crossed defiantly and that one-eyebrow-up thing that I interpret to mean I must comply or I’ll never again eat solid food, global warming doesn’t seem all that terrible.
So I took the fucking picture.
And here’s the REAL inconvenient truth: I forgot to use the flash and the picture didn’t come out and I’m writing this from the office of the proctologist who is attempting to remove Hot Wife’s boot from my ass.
You would like everyone to think this is your inconvenient truth. Wouldn't you? Poor poor Danny. I truly love you and your sense of humor.
Go to Costco, have another cake made (if it was custom) or find a similar cake, photoshop the custom parts onto the "new" pic. First off, never admit you screwed up until all avenues are gone. Remember "What Would Lucy Do?"
He's going the distance. He's going for speeeeed.
Oh dear. That *is* unfortunate.
Well. Good luck with that.
The Earth is overrated. A wife at a birthday party is not to be messed with.
I find this line to be somewhat disturbing.
" At our son’s bris, she made me take a picture of the cold cuts..."
I hate it when that shit happens!
I think it's a female thing. My whole life I've been surrounded by women who must have pictures of food taken as well.
I'd rather take a picture of the aftermath. That seems to make more sense to me.
You can always do what I do. Take really bad pics so they'll eventually have someone else take them...
We don't usually take pictures of food - but at birthdays I usually like to take a picture of the cake... I was actually a little bit disgusted with our wedding photographer because she wasted film taking pictures of the buffet - I'm sure 30 years from now I won't be looking through the pictures saying "Oh, remember the roast beef..."
I hope the proctologist was able to remove her foot easily...
Dude, don't mess with the wife. Haven't you learned that by now?
Hay Danny,just take a picutre of one of the old pictures of the birthday cakes. They all look alike anyway. Hot wife will never know.
That is what God invented Photoshop for. My wife insists on the photos being able to see their face as they blow out the candles.
My husband and his family only take pictures of cars. They have entire albums dedicated to cars rather than family photos.
"Oh, look! Here's that 1969 Roadrunner. Remember the time..."
It's like my own private kind of hell. Or inconvenient truth. Whichever.
send me a pic of the cake and I will see if I can work on it a bit. it has worked in the past. I insist on taking pix of the cakes I make but I always found pics of the Thanksgiving bounty a little disturbing so we are trying not to take that path... plenty of new dysfunctions to try out on our kids...
We have taken a picture of every birthday cake. How else do you know where to start the next year in the album? Not a good move on your part.
I never understood the point of the cake picture. And I'm a chick. I mean, you're just gonna eat the damn thing. Maybe if it was a carefully constructed piece of art, or, you know, a life size statue of Barney. THAT would be picture-worthy. A quarter-sheet marble cake with roses made out of too-sweet frosting? Not so much.
That. Was. Awesome. My mom insists that we take pictures of her homemade clam chowder every Christmas Eve.
You only THINK that all clam chowder looks the same.
You couldn't be more wrong.
PHOTOSHOP..find an old picture of a cake and change the number!!
Oh, I was assuming he'd be removing the camera, but I'm guessing hot Wife is probably too smart to sacrifice her cake recording device for the sake of making a point.
Tornado Alarms are going off right now.
This is only a test though.
You were wise to destroy the evidence of burning birthday candles adding more CO2 to the atmosphere.
Don't you know that every flash releases and micro amount of carbons into the air!! You did us all a favor! We will now survive in a temperate state for a further .0000034 seconds! Thank you for your benevolence!
You showed her!