Doin' The Bump
He’s pulling me over. I cannot fucking believe this. He’s pulling me over.
I meander across two lanes of bumper-to-bumper traffic, park along the curb and kill the engine. I cannot believe this. He pulled me over.
The officer parks behind me, opens his door and slowly approaches my driver-side window. He has his hand on his gun and he walks gingerly, as though he thinks I’m going to jump out of my Honda and go all Scarface on his ass.
He’s wearing those humongous policeman sunglasses – the kind that make policemen look like they’re prepared to do some emergency welding at a moment’s notice.
He finally reaches my window and leans down to speak to me.
“Afternoon, sir,” he says.
“Hi,” I reply.
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“No idea.”
“When you were moving into the left-turn lane on First Street you clipped one of the large reflector bumps,” he says. “Those are there for a reason. They’re designed to keep you out of the turn lane until you get past them. Can I see your license, registration and proof of insurance, please?”
This can’t be happening. Traffic is at a virtual standstill, I’m late for my son’s Little League game (and I’m the COACH!), and I’m being questioned about running over a reflector bump?! It’s clear that Officer Poncharello here is about to finish his shift and needs to meet his quota of written tickets quicklike. There can be no other reason for this. Unless maybe he hates the Jews.
“Have you received a ticket lately, Mr. Evans?” Poncharello asks.
“No. Not since I was in my early twenties.”
He’s reviewing my papers. Because people who run over reflector bumps are usually hardened criminals who need very close scrutiny. I could be Al Qaeda for all Poncharello knows. This may even require a body cavity search.
“You in a hurry to get somewhere, Mr. Evans?”
“Actually, yes,” I say. “My son has a baseball game at five and I’m his coach.”
It’s 4:40.
“I’ll be right back,” he says. With that, he strolls back to his cruiser with my papers.
My default reaction is to be polite and cordial with police officers, in part because I don’t know their threshold for sass and am not interested in being hauled off to the clink to be ass-raped by a gang banger with diamond-studded teeth and an anger management issue. But as I watch through my rearview mirror and see Poncharello writing me a ticket, I begin to wonder if this is an appropriate time to unload some profanities. And perhaps a big, nasty snot rocket.
Poncharello returns.
“OK, Mr. Evans,” he says, handing me his little clipboard thing and a pen advertising an erectile dysfunction medication. “I’ve cited you for an illegal left turn. By signing the ticket you are NOT admitting guilt. You are simply acknowledging that you are aware of the ticket.”
I click the pen and begin to sign my name. As I do so, I mutter the following words under my breath: “This is such fucking bullshit.”
“Excuse me, sir?” Poncharello says.
“I said ‘THIS IS SUCH FUCKING BULLSHIT.’ As in, there are five gazillion cars on the road right now, many with illegal aliens in the trunk, traffic is not moving and yet you see fit to write me a ticket for a violation any reasonable person would deem extremely minor. Don’t you think letting me off with a warning would be sufficient here?”
“Well, Mr. Evans,” he says with an arrogant smirk, “you’re free to take that up with a judge if you’d like.”
“Fuck you and your stupid judge. You can both gargle my balls.”
“Mr. Evans, I suggest you watch your mouth.”
“And I suggest you go find yourself a real criminal, Officer Krupke. There must be some little old lady out there who’s changing lanes in her Ford Escort without signaling. That crazy bitch needs to be locked UNDER the jail. She’s a threat to public safety.”
We’re RIGHT there: right on the line between simple frustration and criminal mischief. I know this, and yet I’m still fired up. I hand his stupid ticket clipboard back to him. He tears off my goldenrod copy, hands it to back to me and says, “Have a nice evening, Mr. Evans. Be careful merging back into traffic.”
“Yes,” I say in a voice drenched in sarcasm. “You have a lovely evening, too. But can I ask you one more thing?”
He’s silent, which I interpret to mean yes.
“Why did you ask if I was in a hurry and then write me a ticket even though I answered in the affirmative? Were you taunting me?”
“Your affirmative answer confirmed that you had run over the traffic barrier in an effort to save time,” he says. “You proved my suspicion that you broke the law on purpose.”
I sit there staring at him with my mouth open. I’m stupefied. And I watch as Poncharello rolls away, presumably to nail someone for J-walking or playing his car radio too loudly.
As he drives away, I scream out to him: “I’ll see you in traffic court, Poncharello!”
I don’t think her heard me.
***DGM BONUS TRACK***
A DGM reader named Vic emailed me last week and asked if he could interview me for his own site.
I said yes.
Nicely done. Just very nicely done. Congrats.
Very nice.
Well done - I really enjoyed reading that! Thank you.
Great interview. :)
Traffic cops. Grrrr. He was definitely trying to make his quota. Jerk.
I got pulled over once for having those blue lights on my winshield sprayers (a Honda). The cop told me that people might think I was an emergency vehicle. Um, okay. Plus, they were on there when I bought the freaking car! Needless to say, hubby disconnected those suckers that night. That ticket was $180!!! And it was the end of the month. Go find some real criminals!
I think Office COCKSUCKER! is a more apt name than Poncharello....
Loved the interview, can't wait to read the book!
The interview was great! I hate it when those damn cops will pull you over for shit like that. It's just riciculous! Too bad you hadn't have seen him first and ran him off the road! :]
Hi, been lurking for awhile now, but I wanted to tell you how much I appreciated (in the linked interview) the answer about you in the parking garage. I can't believe that until I read this, I barely gave a thought to my own husband's feelings when we went through the same thing. Thank you for that.
Danny,
Been there, done that (3 mph over the speed limit, for crying out loud!!!). Request a trial by mail with a written declaration--often, the officers don't have time to fill out their part of the paperwork, which will make you win by default. You can find more information at http://www.ticketassassin.com/fight.html
I did that, and it almost worked--only that Northern Santa Barbara county is apparently not overworking its officers enough.
Asshat cop.
Awesome interview.
So...let me get this straight. Clipping a reflector is purposeful if you're in a hurry. If you're NOT in a hurry does that just make you careless? Why can't you be in a hurry and careless? Why is this man a traffic cop and not on duty at Gitmo? Why does this piss me off so much?
Wow. I could never do that. Kudos to you, though.
I've been lurking for a long time. I'm delurking because I had to tell you what a good interview you gave, and how much I think of you for giving it.
I got a bogus ticket last summer, and I still have dreams where I give the idiot cop some hell. (Instead of sitting there with my mouth hanging open in shock and disbelief like I actually did) Good for you!
This is why I dislike cops. Sure, there are good ones who do good things, but then you get asshats like this guy. I actually had my car towed by a female cop who was showing off for a rookie. I went straight home, called the DMV TWICE and talked to different people, verified that my license had never, EVER been suspended and that there was no hint of a reason that it would ever be (ridiculous -- she'd pulled me over because HALF of my THIRD brake light was out, then claimed my license was suspended and she had to tow my car and was a bitch about it besides), went straight to the police station to pick up my license, got my car out of the tow yard, and have hated cops ever since. I honestly believe a lot of them do this crap because they can get away with it. And no, I never got an apology or an explanation or reimbursement for my tow yard fee. I hope you take this up in court. Man, now I'm all mad on your behalf (and mine, I'll admit). Grr.
Is it just the cops down here or what? ASSHATS.
And why do they all look like they're starring in a 1970's porn?
And just which part of that conversation only happened in your head??? LOL
That interview was great Danny. Showed us a seriously contemplative side of you.
Also...I'm shit scared of cops, so how you did that is beyond me.
That sucks. I can't stand cops and they always seem to pull you over when you're in a hurry. Bastards.
The cops aren't much nicer in Gawgia. I was coming home from working an extra shift in the ER this fall...and got tagged for an illegal left turn under a yellow light. The cop already had written out a boatload of the tickets & was waiting for the "prey." NORMALLY, if you work at a hospital & esp the ER, you get warnings...esp if you're going to/from work. Didn't work on this Sgt MotorcycleStud. "I hope I don't see you in the TRAUMA ROOM anytime SOON!" was my goodbye. Dude's name is posted in our medicine room to this day.
hahahaha, very funny! i love your work.
Great interview Danny! Loved to see "another" side of you!
I can't believe I was sitting in the same f*ing room with you and I forgot to pull the "interview" gambit.
[I'm sitting here with Danny Evans in a secret undisclosed location in the ATX. We have eggs, tortillas, assorted fruits, various wines, Shiner Bock, and a bottle of Patron Anjeo. It's 11:00 A.M.
The room is teeming with scorching hot babes who are attentively listening to a dishwater blonde expouse the merits of Sephoria sundries and I'm about to ask Danny if I can do an interview so I can drive traffic to my site....]
So much for trying to get into the writing game.
wow that's so unbelievable I can't think of anything clever to say...is that cop for real? I mean come on...
I'd like to see the judge's face on this one...
Hilarious about the cop. I remember Poncharello. You are dating yourself. :) Touching interview too. I have that Marianne Williamson book you quoted. :) You inspire me to write.
I know that cop. He's been pissed off recently because someone called the police to report that fornication and adultery were occurring in a car near the caller's house. He was the fornicator. And you were the caller. What a coincidence! Good thing he didn't know it was you, or he might have treated you like a King. (Rodney King.)
Consider this karma for ruining his marriage and ending the free hummers.
PS... You should have told him you were late for a dinner you were going to have that night with your prosecutor buddy and his prosecutor wife.
PSS... Today's DGM readers are tomorrow's jurors. Its people like you who make people hate cops and acquit OJ Simpson. So please. Stop. Polluting. The. Jury. Pool.
Gah. That really sucks. Who knew that running over or clipping one of those bumps was a ticketable offense? Will the court system take blog readers as personal references?
GREAT interview....
Ponch and Jon..sigh....
I know I'm on the dog-breath list for linking you to the Gospel, Danny, but as a guy who spent most of his 20's and 30's having his driving interrupted by other guys in blue:
Get a PBA sticker; the real pros have 3 or 4. You will never have another event like this again if you only need to update them about every other year. Think of it as $40 worth of insurance and don't think about how that seems like a protection racket.
The other thing is that cops dn't mind being called Erick Estrada, but they hate it when you call them Adrian Zmed. If you don't give a fart about the ticket, think if T.J. Hooker jokes rather than CHIPs jokes.
We holidayed in Washington a while back, and rented a thing with California plates. WA traffic police hate Californians, and we were pulled over for doing fuck all within half an hour. When the traffic cop realised we were British, not Californian, his face fell - it wasn't worth pursuing us for the offences he'd just made up - but it still riles me to think about him and his tone of voice.
Ian's American uncle told us that traffic cops like you to stay in your vehicle so they can look down on you: he reckons it's a psychological thing. In England, though, the polite thing is to get out of your car and walk back to meet the police officer. So Ian got out and walked back, making it instantly clear he was a foot taller than the cop. Cop ordered him back inside. The vehicle was an RV, so once back in the driver's seat, Ian was even higher still above the little shortarse. Ha.
I love my COP SUCKER husband and can't wait to retell this one to him...too bad we don't have any reflector turning lanes or I would have him set up shop to ticket more drivers so I could watch them freak for nothing.
That cop is such a prick, you have to let us know how traffic court went. The guy should have his ass handed to him.
Man. ticket. Bummer.
Sorry that happened to you.
HHHMMM, lets see...you get pulled over for a reflector thingy and my son gets brought home by the local area police in SD county for being out past curfew, no light on the bike he was riding, no helmet, being under the influence (that's a PUI ..Peddling under the influence) and throwing the beer can away when he saw the cop car and they brought him home. Yep, it's because your jewish.
Oh I forgot he didn't get a ticket for any of those things.
You *DID NOT* say that to da police. YOU ROCK if you did, but yer also kind of stupid. Yer lucky you got one so mellow who didn't pull you out from behind the wheel and womp your ass into the pavement.
Hey Danny,
Thanks again for the interview! And thank you all very much for the nice comments! Glad I was a part of the process as well!
Peace,
Vic
i loathe traffic cops ... loathe them ... they serve no useful purpose whatsoever ...
No -- traffic cops are useful, but (a) some of them let it go to their head, and (b) they just need to be around for more real offenses! I'm tired of seeing dickheads breeze through stop signs and redlights with no consequence, but I'm not really concerned with clipping road reflectors.
However, I'm married to a general duty cop and he does not give out bullshit tickets like that! Having said that, your outburst (however satisfying it must have been) may hamper your case in traffic court - they can argue that you were out of control or were threatening or something. Anyway, good luck! I have traffic court next week :)