“ ”
He says “Daddy? How come you have to go to Texas?”
“Because there are some people there who want me to talk to them,” I say.
“What do they want you to talk to them about?”
“Well, you know that web site I write? Some people call that a [*finger quotes*] blog [*/finger quotes] and they want me to tell them if they can make money with their own blogs.”
“What was that?” he asks. “What was that thing you just did with your hands?”
“This?” I ask, flashing the finger quotes again. “You don’t know what this is?”
As the question leaves my mouth, it dawns on me that I’ve never taught my own son what finger quotes are for. It’s the most widely utilized finger gesture since the invention of “the bird” or that one where you make a circle with your left thumb and index finger and then penetrate the hole with your right index finger, and my son is oblivious to it. Shame on me.
There is so much to know about finger quotes. It’s more than just the visual; it’s the voice inflection and the body language and the self-discipline it requires. Dumbing the whole thing down into basics a six-year-old can digest is among the most difficult experiences I’ve had as a father, second only to watching some blind spaz (also known as a “mohel”) slaughter my boy’s foreskin on the eighth day of his life. Fortunately, finger quotes involve no sharp objects and he can keep his pants on the whole time we discuss it.
I tell my son that if he harbors any desire to become a kiss-ass middle-manager who talks a lot but says nothing of value or substance when he grows-up, just like daddy, he will need to master the finger quotes. He will also need to over-use the term “synergy” and invite his colleagues to take a discussion “off-line.” But those are lessons in mediocrity and ugly American showmanship we can have another day.
I admonish him that the potency of his finger quote usage will be determined by the way he does them. Lots of folks in the modern business environment become so maniacal about being able to use their hands for something other than wiping the boss’ shit off of their noses that they become cartoonish and spastic when they finger quote. Some over-use it. Some pulsate their fingers in the air four or five times to finger quote one word. Some accompany their finger quotes with wide eyes and a lean-in for extra emphasis.
“That’s all extraneous bullshit,” I tell him. “One pulsation. No extra body movements. And don’t overdo it. Act like you’ve been there before.”
“OK, daddy,” he says, smiling. “I think I get it.”
“Good,” I say. “Do you want to practice a little bit?”
He stands up and adjusts his pose as if he was an Olympic figure skater waiting for the music to start. I can see him thinking of something to say. This is a good sign.
And then he says, “Daddy, when you go to [*finger quotes*] Texas [*/finger quotes] will you please bring me back a [*finger quotes*] souvenir?” [*/finger quotes]
“Of course,” I say, smiling at my little prodigy. “What kind of [*finger quotes*] souvenir [*/finger quotes] do you have in mind?”
“I dunno,” he says. “What do they [*finger quotes*] have [*/finger quotes] in Texas?”
“Well, they have lots of [*finger quotes*] cows [*/finger quotes] there. Would you like me to bring you a [*finger quotes*] cow?” [*/finger quotes]
His brow furrows. I think I pissed him off.
“No,” he says angrily. “Do you think I’m some kind of [*finger quotes*] idiot?” [*/finger quotes]
I’ve never been so proud. My little boy is becoming a man.
That much finger quoting in that short amount of time can be dangerous.
While you're here in [*finger quotes*] Texas [/*finger quotes*], I certainly hope you'll be dropping me a [*finger quotes*] line [/*finger quotes*]. I [*finger quotes*] promise [/*finger quotes*] I won't [*finger quotes*] stalk [/*finger quotes*] you.
Am I the only one who starts to think dirty when words like souvenir are finger quoted?
Forget signs like milk, eat and bathroom. I'm spending the day teaching my daughter about finger quotes.
Don't forget that he must also over-use "At the end of the day..." and "decentralize".
I counted - one chick in a meeting I was in used "at the end of the day..." 15!! times!
[*finger quotes*]FREAKING HILARIOUS !!![*/finger quotes]
I agree! A [*finger quotes*]souvenir[*/finger quotes] can only mean something dirty. And a [*finger quotes]cow[*/finger quotes] is no better!
[*finger quotes*]HAHA![*/finger quotes]
I like the new [*finger quotes*]masthead![*/finger quotes]. Funny post. Have fun at SXSW.
I hope I get to meet you while I'm there as well DGM. Look me up! Or better yet send me an email when you have some free time.
For the [*finger quotes*] record [*finger quotes*], we do have the coolest cows here in Texas. In fact, even though I live in the suburbiest little suburb you can imagine (where identical ranch houses abound), right down the road is a huge herd of Longhorns and they just had babies.
Which is probably not interesting to you at all, but which the boy might find cool.
Another phrase you have to teach him if he's going to be an effective middle manager is, "Moving forward..."
That one drives me crazy! BTW: so does, "At the end of the day..."
Hmm. Sounds like his finger quotes were meant to be another kind of finger gesture... "Bring me home a cow? Pshaw."
Moving forward and at the end of the day, offline synergy is about as useful as thinking outside the box. No finger quotes necessary.
You have every right to be proud! What a "cutie"..
tee hee
Nice new banner, although, you look like the dude from Kim Possible. Don't tell me you have a naked mole rat too...in ur pants!
You need Finger-Quotin' Margo gear!
http://www.cafepress.com/joshreads/1958051
At the [*finger quotes*] World's Largest Apparel Company [*finger quotes*] we like to download, dialogue, pushback as well as take things off-line at times!
Down right [*finger quotes*] ANNOYING! [*finger quotes*]
I like your new header. But you need to fire your graphic designer who doesn't actually know the full width of your page!
You make [finger quote]money[/finger quote] with this blog?
I'm impressed. So you work for fun? Or for the blog material? I can understand that ...
In Austin. Waitin for ya
lol at--that one where you make a circle with your left thumb and index finger and then penetrate the hole with your right index finger, and my son is oblivious to it. Shame on me.
All the while I was reading this, all I could think of was Chris Farley and living in a [*finger quotes*] van [/*finger quotes*] down by the [*finger quotes*] river [/*finger quotes].
I'm sorry. I just have to point out that the hole is made with the right fingers and penetrated with the left.
Thank you. That will be all.
Everytime I hear someone say "What's the bottom line?", I want to tell them it's vertical and is in the middle of their ass.
You missed a [finger quote] prime opportunity [\finger quote] to use a quote from "An Officer and a Gentleman" there - "There ain't nothin' in Texas but steers and queers and I don't see no horns on you, boy!"
LOL, you want a [*finger quote*] COW [*finger quote*]
I think you should bring him back a big ole shiney Texas sized [*finger quote*] belt buckle [*finger quote*].
[finger quote]we have to think outside the box here[finger quote]
I almost choked on my healthy carrots, reading this.
You always know how to make me laugh.
Where in the hell does everybody get this idea that Texas is full of cows? India, the place where all the jobs were [finger quotes]outsourced[finger quotes] is full of cows.
That being said, I would hate for the Champ to be disappointed so I'll tote something down for him that's not bovine related. As for you DGM--you're definately getting a steer.
Riot!
Two things to remember when in Texas -
1. You should address every male as COCKSUCKER
2. The difference between a FAIRY TALE and a TEXAS TALE - the fairy tale begins [finger quote]Once upon a time...[finger quote] and the Texas tale begins [finger quote] You sumbitches ain't ever gonna' believe this shit, but...[finger quote].
lmao
OMG Tex...you want to get him killed or something?
"Hey COCKSUCKER...how much for that cow over there?"
You're coming to Austin, not Dallas. We don't have cows so much as hipsters and organic things and, um, luxury SUVs. You might hit Terra Toys on Anderson or ToyJoy at 29th and Guadalupe or Book People at 6th and Lamar for really awesome kid stuff.
Have fun at SXSW!
Have "fun" in Texas!
I'll never forget the first time my then 9 year old used finger quotes. She did it in a crowd full of people and when she was done you could hear those crickets chirping. Everyone was shocked at the small child using sarcasm and finger quotes so deftly. Finally someone looked at me and said, "I bet you're real proud right now, aren't ya?"
And oh, I was.
She's working now on how to interject a curse word or personal slur into a fake cough or sneeze.
I'm still so damn proud.