By some stroke of momentary, commerce-driven insanity, we bought our son a pair of shoes with wheels on the bottom. I believe they’re called Heelys. Among all of the needless stuff he claims to “really, really need,” he was the most vocal about these shoes. Perhaps we thought buying them would make him quit his bellyaching (which is a stupid, brainless, dipshit parenting move on par with handing the kid a book of matches, a loaded gun and a set of steak knives and saying, “Mommy and I are going out to get hammered drunk. There’s Grolsch in the fridge if you get thirsty. Buh-bye.”)

Anyway, it’s clear to us now that those shoes are instrument of Satan. They should be called Hellys.

I woke up at 5:20 this morning and immediately remembered that we were out of milk. In our home, running out of milk is like running out of oxygen, so it was imperative that I get to the store before you-know-who woke up. I got up, threw on yesterday’s clothes and shuffled out to toward the front door. Along the way, I noticed that our son was awake. He was watching Power Rangers and picking his nose.

“Dude, what are you doing awake at this hour?” I asked.

“Dunno. Just couldn’t sleep anymore. Wait. Why are you dressed? Are you going somewhere?”

“Going to the store. We’re out of milk.”

“Oooh! Can I go with you?”

“I guess so.”

He runs to his room, throws on some tragically mismatched clothes – and steps into his Hellys. And so it began.

The second we parked in front of the store, he was out of the minivan and gliding to and fro around the parking lot. He rode over to the big, metal rack where you put your cart after you’ve unloaded it (The Cart Corral?) and started attempting goofy skateboarder moves.

“Hey!” I barked. “There are cars around here. Chill out and come into the store with me.”

So what does he do? He glides back toward me and rolls himself right in front where I was going to step – so close that I had to stop in my tracks and make that errrrrrttt sound with my shoe against the pavement.

I didn’t say anything, but when he looked back at me I gave him a serious stink-eye – the kind that says, “You’re about one more of those fly-bys away from being encaged under an upside-down shopping cart, boy.”

He said OK, but he didn’t really mean it, did he? No, he didn’t. The twerp.

Since it was so early in the morning, the supermarket floors still were smooth and shiny from their overnight polishing with that little Zamboni-like thing. It looked like an ice rink. And The Champ treated it as such, rolling down the cereal aisle like an Olympic speedskater and very nearly knocking down the entire display of Vitamin Water.

I’ve had it now. Not listening. Not stopping. Not paying attention to the other shoppers.

“Hey!” I yelled to him from the milk and Coffee-Mate fridge. “Come here right now.”

He knew he was busted. I must have had anger in my eyes because he approached me very timidly, as though he thought I might pierce his torso with laser beams shot from my nostrils. That wasn’t the look I was going for. My intent was to behave like a cop pulling someone over because he was swerving and spazing through traffic like he’d just left the bar after a four-day bender.

Although we’ve already stipulated that these Hellys are the most certainly devil’s footwear, they do have one parent-friendly feature: you can take the wheels out. GENIUS!

So right there, in front of the white-haired Amish dude on the Oatmeal box and the little leprechaun guy on the Lucky Charms and all of the other cereal box characters, I repo’d my son’s ride.

And after I’d confiscated them and stuck them in my pocket, I told him to be careful as he pulled back out into traffic.

*****
No post would be complete without a little whoring, right? And since my birthday is this weekend and I'm feeling extra spicy, I now present The Most Blatant Attempt At Manipulating People Into Action Ever Recorded.

1) These kinds of things don't usually matter to me, but this site being completely humiliated over at the highly subjective, altogether meaningless daddy blog competition. Losing is fine, but by a 2-to-1 margin? Rock the fuckin' vote!

2) King of the Cubicle. That's all.

3) Spring has sprung and with it returns the glory of t-shirt weather. What's better than frolicking outdoors and feeling the fresh spring air on your forearms? Oh, what a stunning coincidence! I just happen to have right here some absolutely divine couture for both men and women.

Here endeth the prostitution.

Comments

I'm thinking you will get more votes if you put an h in front of the ttp.

Happy (early) Birthday! I would get rid of the champs demon shoes asap. Maybe a dog or the lawn mower could eat them? I have babysat kids who have them and my life was a living hell. Good luck in the fight against the heelys, and never let him where them to Angel Stadium or the theme park in Anaheim whose name cannot be spoken. you will regret it.

I hate those shoes with a passion. I'm a waitress, and on very busy nights we get at least five kids gliding around with those shoes on. Those five kids never belong to the kinds of adults who will actually do something about their kids trying to kill themselves and other customers. In fact, parents have yelled at managers for saying, "Please, sir, your child nearly got six cups of hot coffee poured down his back by our waitress. It is very important that you do not let him roll around." Makes me want to bring a giant machete to work.

I also HATE those fucking shoes! I have no kids, and I'm a curmudgeon and I want to kick the shit out of each and every kid that blithely glides by me wearing them. It's also possible that I'm a teeny bit jealous since I never had cool shoes like that when I was a kid. Hmphf!

KOTC rocks, Danny! And you're right behind Neil Gaiman, for cripes sake, on the blogger awards, so kwitcherbellyachin'!

Well, at least you beat the vegan. That's gotta be worth something?

If your son is wearing those shoes when we visit this weekend, you are DEAD to me.

I have been so tempted to trip those little fuckers at Walmart. All the time. It's a fantasy.

my kids saved for those mf'n shoes all summer. I tell everybody that asks how horrible they are. Trying to make sure 3 kids don't kill anybody is hard work. I always need a drink after they all wear the hellys.

Bah!! You don't need to blatantly whore anyone. People flock to your site and comment on every single post. I'm pretty sure I have at least 5 readers and on any given post I consider myself lucky if I get more than one comment! (come on people, you can do better!)

So, about the Hot Wife shirt. How long are they? I don't do tummy shirts. The longer the better - preferrably down to my bum. Got any of those? :)

Jumping on the bandwagon here, I also, HATE those shoes. HATE! With a passion. Did I mention I hate them?

If they're around when I have kids, there is no way my children will have them. I'm pretty sure I'd harm my children, and that's frowned upon.

Dude. I'm an x-ray tech. I hate, hate, HATE those f'n shoes. And scooters. And skateboards. And trampolines. And any other goddamn contraption/activity that some dumbass kid could get their arms all broken on.

Let me say I hate wheelies. Most stores and malls have banned them. Schools have banned them. Why bother buying them?(not a knock on you, sometimes you gotta just give in... but jeez) They're a lawsuit waiting to happen. I was on a cruise the other week and kids were rolling aroudn with those damn things ON A BOAT... death will occur at some point, then wheelies will be gone.

Words cannot describe how much I HATE those shoes. Hate.

HATE the shoes.

Happy early BDay? Whacha gettin?

If I could vote twice I would. Who is that dickwad? I read his stuff, not funny.

When we were in Disney World in January there were hoardes of obnoxious children with those fancy schmancy wheeled shoes skating wildly around every park, the hotel, the sky and Hell itself. I am so glad that my 10 year old deemed them "stupid" and because she's incredibly mean to her younger siblings and therefore has them scared into believing everything she says is the gospel, they think they are stupid, too. I totally lucked out on this one.

My youngest has two pairs of the dreaded hellys. Thankfully, she ruined one pair by disobeying us and wearing them out in the rain. We told her they would get wet and the bearings would rust and go bad and she didn't believe us. So, Dad Gone Mad, if you really want them gone just make sure he rolls through a lot of water. And, we've also taken the wheels out of them a few times.

Love your blog it makes me laugh so hard I almost spew Pepsi all over my monitors at work.

My step kid's Grammy bought him 2!! pairs of heelies when he lost the first one's at the mother's house. She could have at least asked if there was something he needed more than $65 shoes !!"Uh, is it ok if I buy the kid these death traps and then send him home with you?"

Dude - in the blogging awards, you are up against Neil Gaiman. Coming in second to him is like winning any other award. He has literally millions of devoted fans - he shows up for readings in places like SE Asia and the police have to control the crowds. And he's even bigger in the US and Europe.

He did a reading in Washington DC and people were camped out the night before, and the line stretched all the way across the mall. People who got in line in the morning didn't get books signed by the time he left that night.

Four or five of his books have been made into movies. He authored at least one wildly sucessful comic book (Sandman), and almost certainly more - and I would know the names if I knew anything about comics.

I voted for you, but most sucessful authors (who make a very comfortable living based only on their writing) are out of their league compared with this guy. Coming in second to Gaiman is like losing in the finals of a one-on-one basketball tournament against Shak or Jordan. He is an unstoppable force.

I hate those Heelys with the self-righteous passion that can only be mustered by the childless. I too have resisted the burning temptation to trip up one of those little fuckers as they sped by. Try spending an hour sitting in the Social Security office for a name change as a little goon circles you incessantly on those things!

Dude - I am neither a Dad (wrong gender) nor a Hot Wife (I'm single.)

But I am a Queen of the Cubicle!

Make some t-shirts for that and I will definately buy one ;)

1. Why won't it let me vote more than once????? Asshats!

2. Heelys...Target actually offered me a complimentary gift card if I would take out my son's rollers...I told them they could keep it I would gladly trip him for free (but i didn't - honest!)

3. Happy early birthday!!!!

4. Could someone (anyone really!) let me know if it's ok to wear a Hot Wife t-shirt even if I'm not a wife?????

I didn't know what else to get you for your birthday, so I voted for you.

I hope you enjoy it.
Happy Birthday.

Augggh! Heely's! If I hear that one more time out of my son, I may have to muzzle him.

You know how there is always the one kid in class that gets everything at an inappropriately early age, and then brags about all his stuff?

Yeah, our boy has one of those in his kindergarten. I think he had a skateboard at one, an Xbox at two, etc. etc. Of course, he got Heely's at five, so now we are being tortured by our son for Heely's for his sixth birthday. ("But Dad! Ronnie* got Heely's when he was five. I really, really neeeeeeeed them!"

*Names changed to protect the overindulged.

My son has been asking me for those for his birthday that is coming up next month. I think I 'm going to pass and get him a nice (safe?) video chair instead. You know those chairs that sit right on the floor that they sit in to play video games... yeah, that might be safe... of course everything is safe until my son has had a go at it. I think I should hire him out to safety test products for companies... Lord, there'd be nothing left on the market!
Have a great day!

those shoes are truly evil. My daughter has been begging for them, pleading. If her cousin hadn't worn a pair over to our house and scuffed up my hardwood floors before I attempted to ring her neck I may have considered them. Good confiscation!

love your blog, great stuff all the time.

Can I just say "Thank you" for being an upstanding parent and confiscating his wheels. I see too many people bargaining with their kids to be good and it drives me insane.

Very entertaining post. I voted for you on Crystal's (Boobs, Injuries & Dr. Pepper) recommendation and thought I might as well come over and see what keeps her laughing. She's right, you're good.

So, as Arnold said...

I'll be back.

Happy Birthday! I am still nursing my hangover from my birthday yesterday!

Done voted for you DAYS ago. Hellys indeed. I always want to smack the backs of their heads as they go buy. THWWWAAP!

Because my birthday is also this weekend (tomorrow actually...Taurus baby! Ahem, are you 35 too? Please don't tell me you're younger...just don't say it), and only because, I will go vote for you.

Who am I kidding? I'd vote for you if you were running for "best tall guy of the human variety who wears pants and is also a blogger".

37. Sunday. And I'm not a candidate for any award involving pants.

Happy early Birthday, Danny! And 37? You're still a pup!

I totally voted for you. :)

I'm with you on the Hellies. My kids have 'em, too, but their use of them is completely limited. I don't know why they even put them on anymore - we are constantly down their throats when they do!

the wheels come out?! dayem gonna have to check that feature on my daughters and my sons when he gets his too

PS - you can SO wear a HOT WIFE tshirt even if you're not a wife. I wear a DAD GONE MAD TSHRIT and I'm not a DAD or gone mad... Are you an adult? Then you can even wear Heelies! You're big. wear whatever you like! Yea! Buy a shirt or three.

PPS - Danny - Grolsch - that's so Bwood Avenue of you.

Sorry Tor, our Danny is in a league of his own! He doesn't need to be compared to that other dude. (Whose blog was a bit on the blah side btw...)

EVERYONE needs to go and vote!! Lurkers included :)

I also hope those shoes go out of style by the time our little one is old enough to think they're cool and want them. I steer clear of kids wearing them b/c they're never paying attention to where they're going and I don't want to be run over!

Oh, and Happy Early Birthday Danny!

Happy Birthday to you... You live in a zoo....

Happy Birthday DGM! I was flabbergasted (first time I have ever used that word in a comment, BTW) at Wally World yesterday when the 4-year-old correctly identified the Hellies on the girl in line behind us. She was being pretty civilized with them too. But shoot, my kids have enough problems not falling down while wearing REGULAR shoes! We live in the country with only a cumulative 30 square feet of concrete for at least 1.5 miles, so my first-grade punk is lucky to have anything with wheels (gravel and Hellies do not mix).

Those shoes are banned at school and therefore are banned at my house. No, I'm not buying any. My kids can barely walk in regular shoes.

My middle kid is skirting the edge with a tshirt that asks, "Did someone step on a duck?" with a lovely graphic of a duck on it, with lightning bolts shooting out of it's ass.

Happy birthday.

Happy birthday, Danny! Wishing you all the best. On my way to cast my vote.