Neighbor Jimbo called me at 3:00 Tuesday afternoon and, after prodding me about who my best friend is and who always takes care of me when there’s a big game, he offered me a free ticket to the Anaheim Ducks/Detroit Red Wings hockey game that night. It was a playoff game, and an important one at that. Given that I have developed a reputation as someone who will ignore work, family, personal responsibility, sex, nourishment, nuclear war and DEFCON 1 colorectal emergencies if there’s a hockey game on TV, I put Jimbo’s offer on par with an opportunity to go naked hot-tubbing with Hot Wife, Jessica Biel and an industrial-sized bottle of baby oil.

We got to the rink a full hour before gametime, and we spent that entire time getting completely stoked and moderately shitfaced. Huge, huge game for the Ducks. After beating Detroit in overtime Sunday night, all 18,000 of us in the arena expected a game for the ages.

But that’s not quite how it played out.

6:05 p.m. – Puck drops. Game on. Heckling commences.

6:11 p.m. – After the Red Wings’ goalie awkwardly deflects a shot on goal, I shout to him that he should knock the puck down with his skirt.

6:20 p.m. – Detroit scores. I assume this means my Ducks are awake now and that they will now kick their game into a higher gear. I mean, they have to, right?

6:22 p.m. – Detroit scores again. I scream nine consecutive obscenities into the stupid orange washcloths they handed out to each fan. I presume these hankies are meant to be waved in the air when the Ducks score, but seeing as how we haven’t even come close to scoring yet, I use it as a profanity receptacle.

6:27 p.m. – First period ends and every man with a ticket on the 400 level (read: nosebleeds) is in line at the same bathroom. We chat. “Lotta game left,” one guy says. “Yeah, we’ll turn it around in the second period,” says another. I say, “Hurry up! I have to pee like an incontinent rhino.”

6:32 p.m. – I sell a kidney for a cup of unnecessarily foamy MGD.

6:38 p.m. – Second period starts. Ducks look like shit. Sloppy passes, stupid penalties. We need a spark. I stand up, cup my hands around my mouth and shout, “HIT SOMEBODY!” The woman in front of me asks me to please stop spitting on her nachos.

6:44 p.m. – Detroit scores again. And it’s that douchebag Todd Bertuzzi – same guy who got suspended a couple years ago for almost breaking another player’s neck. Talk about adding insult to injury. Red Wings up, 3-0.

6:45 p.m. – What the fuck?! Another Red Wings goal and my orange hanky takes another profanity-laced tongue-lashing. Something about someone’s mother and a hockey stick and no lube. Fans begin to head for the exit. I convince myself that this isn’t happening. Because it can’t be. We’re seven wins away from the Stanley Cup and the Ducks are playing like a bunch of disorganized pantywaists? No way. I start to scan the crowd for Ashton Kutcher.

6:51 p.m. – Two of our players converge on one of the Red Wings and absolutely demolish him into the boards. Looked like a clean hit from up here. He’s down. He’s bleeding from the head. Oh, look! The referee just called a five-minute penalty and kicked one of our players out of the game. Lovely. Ashton, seriously, you can come out now. I’m done being Punk’d.

7:02 p.m. – Jimbo and I decide that our respective blood-alcohol levels are dangerously low. “Hi, can I have two MGDs please?” “Certainly, sir. I’ll just need to see some ID and remove one testicle from each of you.”

7:16 p.m. – They show a shot on the Jumbotron of a woman in the crowd with an extraordinarily low-cut blouse and inappropriately exposed breasts the size of an Ikea. She gets the loudest cheer of the night.

7:48 p.m. – Detroit scores again, but who really gives a whip? We suck. We probably couldn’t have played worse even if Jimbo and I laced ‘em up and skated out there ourselves. We might give up a lot of goals but at least I could entertain the crowd with some arm farts and knock-knock jokes.

8:30 p.m. – We exit the building and begin the long walk back to the parking lot. As we schlep down Katella, some fuckhead Wings fan drives by in a truck and yells, “Ducks suck!” I shout back, “Red Wings swallow!”

Comments

Sorry your team sucks DGM!! Im pullin for the Wings to go all the way so I have zero sympathy for your sucky game experience. LOL. I was rootin from home for my boys to annihilate yours.

As much as I love your site on a day to day basis, I must say "Fear the Octopus baby!!" Old loyalties die hard, sorry......

Dave

I live in Philly. I feel your pain. 'Nuff said.

Who was pitching? Where there any good free throws? Did the ducks win?

whatever.

Dude: I came up to Anaheim for games 3 & 4 in 2003. Watched my Wings lose both of those and I feel your pain. Though, my pain is 3 years old and properly scabbed over and yours is from LAST NIGHT!

Sorry...I was trying to be kind and sincere but ended up like a typical hockey fan.

P.S. Bertuzzi IS an ass and I don't know why he is playing for my team. Then again, after we picked up Chelios, it took me another 4 seasons before I stopped automatically yelling for someone to kill that guy too.

Ah well. At least I'm not a Flyer's fan!

“Hurry up! I have to pee like an incontinent rhino.”
Thanks for improving my vocabulary!!! I am stealing this sentance and adding it to my repertoire

Wondersis rocks.

And in the light of this self-confessed behaviour, how does the little bit of lying that your son did earlier compare?

Haa. I love the cost of a beer at a sporting event these days =\

I believe Bertuzzi actually did break the guy's neck. Just so the record's clear.

Sorry DGM The Wings are goin all the way this year. The ducks could of at least did a damn Flying V. Geesh.

Every team I was pulling for, including my beloved Preds, choked in the first round. Given a choice between a legacy team and a Disney team, I'll take the legacy.

Sorry, I know your pain all to well seated in the nosebleeds of the GEC watching the Preds blow it.

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http://modmom.blogspot.com

Sorry DGM

but GO SENS!!!!

At least your team is in the playoffs. My husband has the Flyers symbol tattooed on his arm. He hopes to some day tattoo a stanley cup below it. I think it will never happen. And he will pass up sex to watch hockey.

Ah, the hated Redwings. Bastards. Sorry your Ducks lost. Back when I watched hockey I was a Flyers fan, so I know the pain.

My husband would be sad if I didn't say "GO WINGS!", because it's a sad night in our house when they lose a game.

I'm so jealous! I'm a huge hockey fan but,ever since moving to Ohio, I can NEVER catch a Wings game on TV, even when they play Columbus! (read: Dish Network sucks, unless you have a bizillion dollars to spend on EVERY channel they offer) With that said, I'm sorry for the disappointment you felt when your team lost, but I'm glad my team won! Oh yeah and this Red Wing does indeed swallow! Go Wings!!! hehe :D I still love your blog, I won't hold the fact that your a Ducks fan get in the way of that.

I think the gods of hockey would bring the world to an end before letting a team called the Ducks have its name engraved on the Cup.

But really, this whole Ducks/Wings thing is besides the point -- the Senators are going to bring the Cup home to Canada.

Sweet! I didn't know any Ducks fans to harrass, and now I do. LET'S GO RED WINGS!!
So sorry that your team sucks, DGM.
"Scoreless Selanne struggling for Ducks"

What is the deal with beer prices at hockey games? Sure, buying booze at any pro sporting event is a guaranteed raping, but it seems like hockey is the worst.

Great post, I was laughing so hard my daughter came running because she thought something was wrong…I haven’t been able to successfully convince her all is good because I have tears man, tears. I wanna go to the rink with you – too funny!

I love your sister!

very funny stuff! It's like that at my house with football.

Let me guess. The testicular price for the beer was your left one.

We lived in Detroit for a year a few years back. One night we hear all of these guns shooting and cars honking. I thought there might be riots or something... turns out the red wings won the stanely cup. My apathy for sports almost makes me sympathize with you :) If I was guaranteed to sit next to you and hear you jeer I might actually go to a game!

Maybe they were just pacing themselves...

I watched them kick the 'nucks asses over and over again....

I had to cheer...our team sucks.

Repeat a scenario to your experience every year from 1990-1997, 2003, and 2007, and you get an idea of what it's like to be a Kansas City Chiefs' fan.

Um, yeah. Long time reader, occasional commenter. I have to say, I grew up in Detroit and am not surprised at all that the boys kicked y'alls asses. I mean, come ON. It's the Red Wings. Psh.
(Please don't find me and beat me with a wooden spoon.)

Go Wings.

6:38 p.m. – The woman in front of me should be thankful for a little moisture back into the stale-ass cardboard clippings passed off as nachos. Shoulda slapped her upside the head for copping an unsporting atitude. If you cant spit on other folfs food at a hockey game then where can you. Well, NASCAR probably but that is beside the point...

And to all the shithead Red Wings fans, to Brett Dull and the vibrator stuck up his ass, to the smack talking Preds, Flyers, Avs and whoever-else fans, a resounding "go fuck yerselves" Whos playing golf, and whos playing for silver. That's what I thought. And for the record you dumb suck schmuck paint my walls pink pussies out there who think they are some kind of tough guy cos they follow a 'real' hockey team, Disney sold the team years ago, have nothing to do with they organisation, not even the name. You're all just jealous cos your team sucks ass and ours doesnt. Smack that, ya vaginal wipes.

go Ducks