He’s starting to tell lies.

He took his lunch out of the fridge last Friday, examined it, decided he didn’t like what his mother had packed and tossed the whole thing in the trash. When he got to school, he told his teacher that his mom had forgotten to make his lunch and convinced her to give him money for pizza from the cafeteria. Resourceful? Yes. Creative? Obviously. Honest? Negatory.

Yesterday he somehow got his hands on the Super Glue and started to play with it while no one was looking. He squirted a small dab onto the back of an envelope, told his little sister it was water and convinced her to touch it. Stickiness ensued. Deliciously dastardly? Clearly. The kind of trick a big brother is supposed to play on his little sister? Totally. Truthful? Nope.

When I got home from work last night, Hot Wife and I sat him down and explained to him that liars are assholes and once there was a boy who cried “wolf!” when there was no wolf in sight so the townspeople left him out in the forest and then a real wolf showed up and ate the boy. Then we told him that it’s important to tell the truth because there’s this new law called Sarbanes-Oxley that lets the government kill people who lie by attaching jumper cables to their testicles and shocking them until they catch fire and you don’t really want to go out like that do you, son?

Trying to be constructive and educational with our discipline, we told him that if he ever lies again he will have to write a letter (writing practice) to the person he lied to and articulate why he lied and that he was sorry (personal responsibility). He will also have to perform community service (doing daddy’s chores) around the house, starting with scooping up Rusty’s poop (negative reinforcement) from the backyard with his toothbrush (nothing constructive about that part, but it sounded sufficiently harsh).

He was remarkably unaffected by this revelation. I recognized his stoicism because it was the shit I tried to pull when my parents busted me. You try to look contrite and sorry on the outside when inside you’re thinking, “That’s IT?! I could write letters and scoop dogshit with one hand tied behind my back. These guys are serious pushovers.”

I saw right through his act and recognized our error. We weren’t hitting him where it hurt. There was no suffering involved in our discipline. He didn’t feel the burn. And since we have elected not to beat our children for anything short of involuntary manslaughter, I felt the need to (figuratively) hit him where it would hurt most.

“…and there will be no television tonight,” I said.

With that, our tough, stoic, big shot son completely lost his shit. He put his head down on the table and began to cry at a level somewhere north of severe disappointment and just south of hysteria. That’s my idea of feeling the burn. Television is to our son is what a holy bible is to a room at the Marriot – it’s always there, omnipresent, reliable. TV is oxygen to him. Despite the fact that it was 7 p.m., only about 90 minutes from his bedtime, the idea of living even that long without it was devastating to him.

Which is exactly what I was shooting for.

The following sentence is horrible and wrong and possibly a deal-breaker for many of you, but I have to say it: sometimes punishing my children is kind of fun. I don’t know if this propensity for lying is simply an expected developmental stage or a serious flaw in his character, but putting his brain back in check was entertaining to me because it’s important. It was fun in the same way teaching him not to swing at pitches above his nipples is fun. We were parenting him, teaching him a specific right-from-wrong behavior. We’re helping him learn. And if we can’t take some joy in knowing we’re teaching our children to be good people, what’s the point of having kids in the first place?

I know you’re not idiots and I’m sure you can also see that taking TV away from him made me feel a little powerful, which also contributed to the fun factor because I don’t feel too powerful in that house most nights. But in a household where television rules and what’s on that television is almost always primary-colored, kid-focused programming, it’s nice to take the power back, if only for a few hours. If that makes me a terrible parent and a selfish asshole, fine. I’ve been called worse.

Comments

Hitting the children where it hurts is how we discipline our children. No GameCube, Wii, DS, Game Boy, Playing Outside, watching tv, computer time, etc. Time outs on the toilet in the bathroom for the amount of their age works sometimes. We just have to be sure that there aren't any books or anything else fun in there first. I think taking away something they really love puts it into perspective for them.

Oh, and Go DUCKS!! Beat the Dead Things!!

If you hit them where it hurts each time- eventually they will realize consequences to their actions. You're teaching them to think ahead.. Good Job, DGM- you're still my hero!

Eventually as a child I realized I could sleep..they couldn't turn off my imagination.
I wasn't hopped up on caffine and sugar though so I could sleep.
My husband punishes me by taking away the TV every once and a while, cocksucker!!

I sent an e-mail to Parent Hacks asking for help. You make it sound like we figured it all out already.

SSSSHHHHHHHH!!!

We are all supposed to stick together, as parents, to convince the kids of that "this is hurting me more than it hurts you" bullshit.

The TV has become our weapon of choice as well. Works with the five year old, but not the three year old. Still trying to figure her out. She can be a stone cold beotch. And I say that with the most love a mother has for her daughter.

Quick background - High School educated jack of all trades. (Voc-tech school of all things) With that said, I strongly believe lying is embedded into the raising of our children through fairy-tales and stories of holiday heros. How does this relate to this post? Well, if we decided to not teach our children these lies at developing stages of their lives? Would we have to still deal with their development of their own lies? I do suppose it isn't that easy, but, what if? Not really looking for a response. More or less just leaving my 2 cents.

That's better than I managed last night when I told my kids, with a straight face (I was joking - really!), that "I'll beat you til the white meat shows."

Yeah, I wasn't real popular last night. Bad joke.

If not completely good, it's at least normal. Would that we could all be so honest!

Kids just gotta lie sometimes! And parents just gotta nip it in the bud! Believe me!!

I like your idea of writing a letter to the innocent victim. That will take a really long time to do it right, and he'll have to do it over some umpteen times before you will accept it. In the meantime he won't get any fun tv, etc.

But seriously, lying can become a terrible habit for a child. If allowed to get away with it, it can cause lots of grief!!

See, you're close but not right on it. This is one of those things that my parents nailed. I can't lie worth a goddamn now.

What you do is double the punishment for lying.

Throwing out your perfectly good lunch and hustling a teacher out of her hard, hard, hard earned money- one night without tv.

Lying about not having lunch in the first place- two nights.

Lies to you about the scheme- four nights.

Every time I ever broke a rule, they would come right out and ask me if I had broken the rules. The first half a dozen times, I said no. For a few months, I couldn't do anything but sit on my bed and stare at the wall.

Oh, and you could fine him too, if you give him any allowance. When I got my first detention, I had to repay my Dad for the time he missed from work to pick me up from school after detention. He kept my allowance for a good month or two. What would I have bought with it anyway? A new poster to stare at while I sat on my bed for two months?

Oh, you could lie to him, too. That works. Hey, Champ! We're going to McDonalds tomorrow! Tomorrow comes..... Oh, we're not going. I lied. Do you understand how bad and hurtful lies are now? ;-)

If you are the owner of the site referenced below, I'm fine with you republishing my work but at least tell your readers who wrote it.

http://blog.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendID=16115312&blogID=264545098

I also seem to take joy in punishment. The one thing that works with out girls at the moment is telling them they won't get a snack after dinner if they don't behave themselves. Boy oh boy is there even a bitchfest when I tell them that! Either that or no bike riding. That one rules too!

Hm. I'm due to have a boy in June. I'll have to take note of this post for 5-10 years from now.

Nope -- you and hot wife are just fine. It is so hard to get through to kids sometimes that when you find out where you can hit them where it hurts, it is an enormous sense of power, because you know you are shaping them to be better people, and not some snotnosed asswipe. Punish on, Danny and Hot Wife -- punish on!

I'm with verybadcat on this one. One night of no TV isn't enough for three separate lies. In my home, that would be at least three nights. Your kids are lucky you're such a pushover, Danny!

Our kids learned not to lie at a VERY early age, because their punishment (even beginning at age 3) was that when they lie, they lose ALL their toys for a day. Not dissimilar to your punishment, except that you can add insult to injury by playing with toys with your non-lying child (or parents with each other) within earshot of the offending child. Nothing like mom and dad sitting in the family room playing with all the action figures while the child sits 2 doors away and has to listen to it - poke their head out, ask what you're doing, can they come play etc., and you reminding them sorry screwup, maybe next time you won't lie.

I'd also make him pay back the teacher double for what she paid him. If she doesn't want to take it, then he should have her "donate" it to another needy child.

Sue

Take away? Take away nothing...We throw away! All we need to do is bring out a big black garbage bag and all three of our kiddies start shaking in their shoes! It goes so deep with our middle child she has a melt down every garbage day. I have even gone to the lengths of re-purchasing the toy we tossed just so we can trash it again.

Verybadcat, I love your parents. They were so smart and so devious. A jump from 2 nights to 4 nights, Brilliant. Double Smackdown!

I think ya'll handled it great! Every kid is different - and you know your kids better than any of us. Although I admit - I do personally double the punishment for lying. I tell my son the truth may or may not get you in trouble, but lying always will.

This? "I'll beat you til the white meat shows." is HILARIOUS!

I've made similar worthless threats to my kids too...to no avail...like "I'll hit you so hard your GRANDchildren will feel it"...or "I'll knock ya so hard you'll forget your own name" or my all time favorite "I'll beat you so hard you'll throw up". All of which I burst out laughing because they know as much as I do that I'll never do it.

But I do find myself sometimes struggling with the proper punishment. I start with out with the basics and if what doesn't bring them to tears I just keep adding on until they break. Once the hysteria starts, then I know I've done my job. :)

Taking away "screen time" (i.e., TV or computer) is the most effective threat for my kids. I enhance their loss of TV by make sure that I watch something I know they don't like while they are in the room (given the choice of tuning in to my gazillionth viewing of a 'boring grown-up movie' or going to their room to read is a no brainer).

I love when they lose TV priveleges. I can only take so much kids TV.

And SOX--good to teach him now.

I get the same reaction when I ground Spawn from the TV. "Hit 'em where it hurts" seems to be a viable method around here. Spawn's idea of punishment is to 1) be nice to the cat and 2) take out the garbage. Things that the kid should be doing anyway, IMO.

Best threat directed at my 13 yr old last night:

"Slam that door again and I'll slam your a$$ til it falls off its hinges."

Writing lines has gone out of favor with the schools but I love it beyond sore hands and the practice of handwriting cause:
1. They have to read the error of their ways, like, 500 times.
2. While writing they can't watch TV (but I can and sometimes I watch Sponge Bob so they can hear it and know what they are missing).
3. They get to practice math too! as they repeatedly count how many more lines they have to complete.
4. They are usually so exhausted after the punishment, they take themselves to bed!

Ha ha ha ha

Never fails to make me laugh. But seriously, I blame those damnable "Wiggles." Big Red Cars and all, they are singlehandedly brainwashing the youth of Australia AND America. But "long live" the TV as an icon of punishment!

There is some satisfaction (albeit guilty satisfaction), in hitting them below the belts sometimes. I did it just today with my 11 year-old and while it hurts momma to be harsh to my child...I know I'm doing what I have to do.

Funny, funny, funny stuff...

Keep it comin'.

Four years after the fact, my husband is still trying to figure out how I managed to go from lecturing our (then) 7-year-old son about lying, into a discussion about -- I kid you not -- lethal injection.

My husband's still scarred by it, but my son--he couldn't care less. Completely unphased.

However? Take t.v. away for a few hours, and he acts as though we've decided never to feed him in this lifetime again.

In my house, you lost the television for the night for the original offense. If you lied about the original offense too, you not only lost the television, you got your tongue wiped down with a soapy washrag. We learned fast to cop to the offense or suffer through the horrid, stay with you until the next day, flavor of good old Ivory hand soap.

I hate taking TV away from my kids. Then they want me to, like, talk to them and shit. Eeeeg.

My son falls to his knees and pleads with his hands clasped together when we pull the tv one....

Dramatic? Yes.
Entertaining? Hell yes.

OMG!

“That’s IT?! I could write letters and scoop dogshit with one hand tied behind my back. These guys are serious pushovers.”

i looooooooove it :)

Oh shit! These comments have it all...a visit from "Hot-Wife" telling her "DGM" to go fuck himself and a potential "Copy and paste" fuck-head warning.

God; I love this site!!!

-Alan OH-