[Ed. Note: The following is mostly a true story. My brain tells me that it’s the kind of minformation that shouldn’t be shared with an audience. But this site is a reflection of my life and my experiences, and I’m sharing it because it relates specifically to Dad Gone Mad. Per the written request of the other party involved, some specific information will remain confidential.]

[Ed. Note P.S.: I presume this story will further re-enforce then undeniable truth that I am an unbridled narcissist of the highest caliber and that I would rather have sex with myself than anyone else on the planet because no mortal being could be more beautiful inside and out than I. Please keep a bucket nearby in the event of a spontaneous need to puke your guts out.]

From time to time, I’m contacted by people who have seen Dad Gone Mad and think the irreverent, profane, innuendo-laden gibberish written here would be a nice fit for their own site or publication. I’ve accepted a few of these offers gleefully. I’ve summarily rejected a few, too. But I must say I’ve never heard anything quite like the scenario presented yesterday.

I got an extremely friendly and highly complimentary e-mail from a representative of a well-known print publication. She made it known that she is currently directing the build-out of a new and potentially very cool web site. Better still, she mentioned that she thought my writing style (or lack thereof) would be perfect for the site. They were willing to exchange real dollars for my contributions. I was intrigued, so I called her to discuss it further.

My first impression was overwhelmingly positive. She had such a non-threatening, easy-going way of speaking. She was professional and respectful. It was the kind of coolness one never expects from a mover or shaker in a position of power. There was no salesmanship, no marketing double-speak, no air of superiority whatsoever. I liked her.

She described the opportunity more granularly, detailing how she imagined making my writing a prominent presence on the site. She was clear that they were interested not merely in my writing, but also in attracting the readers of Dad Gone Mad to the new site. Not hard to understand. It’s a business, and readership generates income.

The conversation was open, direct and amicable. And after we’d gotten to know each other a bit, she presented the specifics of the offer:

1) I would submit a predetermined number of posts per week.

2) My readers would no doubt flock to the new site, too (because I would, as I have before, elicit compliance through incessant whoring).

3) They would pay me.

Sounds bitchen, doesn’t it? I’d be a fool not to accept it.

Oh, wait! Forgot one small detail:

4) I would shut down Dad Gone Mad.

“What the…?” I said (paraphrasing). “Where did that come from?”

She politely explained the desire for hardcore exclusivity. Fumbling with my words amid the smoke and shrapnel in my brain, I dithered some long-winded response laden with “uhs” and “ums” and extended pauses. Somewhere in that hazmat spill of articulated stupidity I was able to enunciate the words “that’s not going to happen.”

It’s funny. Until yesterday, the thought of ever again being without this outlet never entered my mind. I have presumed all along that I’ll show up here with dirty words and self-congratulatory missives in perpetuity until such time decades from now when my octogenarian wife and grown-up kids decide my feeding tube should be cut off, at which point I’ll write my swan song blog entry, which will read like this: “…and I took a big shit on it! DGM out! Zzzzzzzzzzzz...”

It may be an error in tact or image to admit this in writing, but this site means a lot to me. I feel attached to it. I brings me joy and pride and ego strokes and income and creative freedom. I choose to believe that there is a benefit of some kind for you, too. Good, meaningful things have sprung from this patch of technological soil.

Given that, the notion of Dad Gone Mad fading to black strikes me as absurd.

P.S. -- I saw this yesterday.

Comments

No-brainer. You done right. No question. The corporations will settle for nothing less than complete control of art, and that sucks. I hope you replied by holding the phone up to your speakers playing a certain song from Rage against the Machine ...

Ohhh ummmm...yaaaa Nooooppppppeeee Please for Jebus sake don't do it...I mean money is money but whoring is a whole new ball game.. and as you know we like you (to...well insert your own whoring activity here...hahaah)... You provide the Laughter in our (my husband and I) bedtime routine... If you go we might have to find "something" else to do and well we all know what that could be and to be honest I am TIRED of changing diapers.

Hahaha okay totally joking. But please don't go!

Julie

They can *censor* you. Aint worth it, honey!

ROCK ON DGM!!!

Long live Dad Gone Mad!!

On the other hand, you could make enough money to have facial reconstructive surgery, flee to Peru and right your column under the name Papi Loco while throwing crumpled up $1,000 bills at Peruvian strippers. I'm just sayin'.

We will never hear from Hot Wife or Wondersis again? You won't be my "close personal" friend that I can quote to my other lame friends? Oh Wait, you said no. Thank God!

Speaking of Hot Wife and Wondersis-where's that lemonade cocktail recipe? I am working 10 hr. night shifts, so if I missed it please tell me which post it was in.

Cocksuckers.

You weighed two options, and, chose the one best for me.

Good job, thanks!

Shut it down? Totally no. That would be Dad Gone Bad.

Actually, Bossy, it would be just Dad Gone.

Rock on Danny.
Although you did use the word "granularly" up there. They are getting to you.

You might point out to her that "Jane Dough" at womenswallstreet.com's blog: http://www.dailycents.com/?cat=4 was and is still a successful blogger at http://www.bostongalsopenwallet.blogspot.com/ . If SHE can do it, so can you ;)

I do see Manny's point about the crumpled up $1000 bills and the strippers and the plastic surgery ... but Peru? I'd be worried about the integrity of Peruvian baseball!

No, seriously, a both-and approach would have gotten the offer far further than the either-or. But still, if they think you're going to be your own worst competition, then that's pretty flattering, right?

Anyway, good choice, I'd say!

It was a very flattering compliment. I'd continue negotiations. There might be some compromise involved on both sides. Being paid to do something you love anyways is definatly a perk of the job! :)

I knew where this was going as I started to read and uttered a loud "Noooooooooooooooooo!!!" as I actually read the words. So happy you aren't shutting down DGM...we would all die...literally...just wish you could get some money for your witty writing skills...hmmm...

Good decision.

I heart orgasms too.

I hope they were planning to pay you the equivalent of a very attractive full-time salary in exchange for giving up your personal microbrand or whatever. ("Hardcore exclusivity" cuts both ways.) And a representative of a well-known print publication damn sure better be "willing to exchange real dollars" for your contributions, same as for print writers.

I support your decision, Danny, as much as my underwire bra supports my boobs. And that's a lot.

I don't comment often, but I read you every day. And, I would miss you.

I also heart orgasms.

Yay!!!! DGM is not a sell out!! i knew i loved you for a reason.. NOW I am going to read KOTC because I HAPPEN to LOVE it even if you DON'T.

WTG DGM. Nice to see the almighty dollar doesn't win out every time.

nice one

Actually, Bossy, it would be just Dad Gone.

Posted by: Dad Gone Mad | May 10, 2007 at 02:04 PM

Now THAT's why I read every day. So funny. I'm glad you're not shutting this place down, by the way. :)

Dad Gone? I'd be mad. :)Thanks for sticking with us, your loyal fans. But just for the record, I'd go where you go.

Thank you so much for going with your heart. You did the right thing. And I LOVE your blog!

Dad Stays Mad - yayyyyy

I would be heartbroken without your site. I made a cool cali friend from commenting here. And as pathetic as it may sound I look forward to reading each and every day.

P.S. - and I'm still hoping for an artichoke recipe from hot wife!

P.P.S. - I heart orgasms too!!

Hmmm money versus being a lackey to someone who can shut your ass down if you step out of line?

Uh-huh.

That was quite the offer.

boy, am i glad that wasn't your goodbye post. glad you're staying with us!! xo

See, you're not a total whore!

Rebecca, sorry you had to wait for this. It couldn't be more simple. I am assuming you have never cooked one before. You could boil in water or steam but microwaving is fastest and easiest. And who wants to wait 40 minutes for an artichoke? Not I.

Wash artichoke under running water. Trim stem. Put in a bowl with a small amount of water. Cover and put in microwave. Cook for four minutes, check for doneness. Cook longer as needed (approximately eight minutes total). Cooking time will depend on the size of the artichoke. Leaves should come off easily and the meat on the leaf should come off easily when you eat it. Savor each leaf because it is gone way too fast. The heart is the best part. Scrape off the choke with a spoon(hairy part underneath all the leaves). I like to dip it in tomato sauce. Other dipping options: butter, garlic mayo, pesto mayo.

Honestly, I have never met an artichoke I didn't like. You bring over the artichokes and I will be more than happy to cook them for US.

Excellent choice. Blog on. We need more men blogs.

I could understand if you didn't have a job and were nearing going totally broke..but please...talk about a bitch wanting to own you..wow.
Glad you made the decision that you did!
I heart orgasms...only in California.

"Irreverent, profane, innuendo-laden gibberish" always brightens my day. Keep up the good work and thanks for staying with us.

Delurking to say I'm glad you're not shutting it down.

I heart DGM.

I also heart orgasms.

And all is well with the world. :)

Daily visitor, delurking to say:

OMG NO! You definitely can't shut down! Glad you chose to keep entertaining us!

Wow. That's a lot to ask. Glad yer keeping the Mad.

Long time reader (and now Twitter stalker :>)... who went astray for a while but always liked knowing you were here for when I needed a good read. Glad to know that you'll still be here.

Oh yeah, and I've been enjoying your daily missives of 140 characters or less!

I am glad that you are going to be here awhile!

You ROCK!

Thanks for staying!
I heart orgasms too. Was it you that wrote "Me Too!" on the windshield beside it??? C'mon, confess...

I was listening to TWiT in my car on the way in today and the guests were a popular podcasting team. They were talking about the many offets they had gotten to be bought/sold to a TV network, thus handing over the rights to their show. They mentioned how they always said no. Th emoney was never enough. It would have to be a WHOLE ton of money to be worth it. And even then, the idea of handing over the controls was a disagreable one.

Same thing with DGM, the point is that autonomy is oftem more valuable than cash. To OWN something tangible and CONTROL its destiny is a very powerful thing. It is definitely not something you get in the corporate world. Indeed eventually you can guarantee Danny at some point would be asked to change his tone. And in these days of corporate mergers the life of DGM post-DGM.com can not be guaranteed.

It takes a lot of work to keep a blog as popular as this one, and a lot of time to build up a loyal readership. That is so valuable, you were wise to hold on to it.

Good luck, may your riches come frm elsewhere...
The Douchebag

Glad you didn't do it. It would be like giving up your freedom and it wouldn't be your personal outlet anymore, it would feel like work. You don't need the stress. We got you where we need you Danny! Rock on!

Isn't this thing called Human Writes?

DUDE!! Did they get even by jacking your template?!?

Nooooooooooo!!! Don't take my DGM away!!!!!!!

Okay now that I have put my heart back in my chest, I just want to say thanks! Thanks for not selling out and thanks for loving your readers enough to stay around cuz....I love you, you love me, we're a happy family......just thought I would bring back some happy memories!

ME THREE!

Good show, sir, good show.

I am reminded of the song "Sell Out" by Reel Big Fish.

I only recently started reading DGM after a friend sent me a link to your post about the vasectomy... my husband offers his condolances. I would have cried if you had said you weren't writing anymore. Good choice!

Just wanted to wish Hot Wife a wonderful Mothers day!

Bravo.

This is actually my first visit here and that post (thee super-duper "offer") was the post of yours I read. Thanks for sticking with your roots.

Can I chip in a little $ every month, quarter, or year in return for a link to my dadz.com directory? It ain't much, but it IS going to be the ultimate source of quality links for fathers everywhere someday.

Thanks again,

David