Radiohead and Sigur Ros. It has long since been established that these are the “it” bands. Failure to conform to the rule that one must have his life forever altered by their music results in immediate deletion of his name from The List Of People Who Are Cool. Believe me, I’ve tried to like these bands. I’ve purchased one Radiohead CD and just this weekend downloaded two Sigur Ros songs. But I just can’t do it. Their music makes me tired and bored. And they’re songs are so damn LONG. You could listen to the entire Beatles catalog and take a nap before a single Sigur Ros song ends. With all due respect, I’ll stick with the Beastie Boys.

Jessica Alba. If you listen to any other member of my peer group, she is the sexiest thing since crotchless panties. Personally, I don’t get the hysteria. Sure, she’s pretty. But she’s no Hot Wife.

(Quick digression to say if that line doesn’t get me a free pass to watch the hockey game Friday night, I’ll be shocked.)

(Hi, honey.)

Writing a book. One word: therapy. I’ve run up against a brick wall so many times that I’ve consulted a therapist to tell me why my brain goes into lockdown every time I sit down to write The Book. As near as I can decipher, the reason is that I’m doing it wrong. My therapy assignment for this week is to draw – not write – the steps I think I need to take to get the fucking book written. Drawing 1: A stick figure passed out on the ground and clutching a half-empty bottle of Southern Comfort to his chest. Drawing 2: A drunk stick figure plagiarizing someone else’s book. Drawing 3: A desperate, drunk stick figure performing sexual favors for the author from whom he plagiarized so the author won’t report him to the plagiarism police.

Those heinous ads above the DGM masthead. I have no idea how much money they bring in but I’m not sure any sum is worth those full-color eyesores. Unless I get a check large enough to buy the entire Pacific Ocean, they’ll be going bye-bye soon.

Tamales and artichokes (but not together) (because that would be all kinds of nasty). Hot Wife has taught the kids to love these foods. If I learned to like them, imagine the peace and harmony at the dinner table. But my palate, the evil warlord of all things mouth, simply refuses to comply. I may stage a coup.

Lost. Never seen it. Not really interested. But I’d like to be.

Martinis. I try one every year or so and every time, as my esophagus melts into my stomach, I wonder why so many people are so in love with something that tastes like diesel fuel.

Talk radio. For a sports fan there are few sanctuaries that can compete with listening to some unathletic hack rail on Johnny Jock-itch for flipping-off the crowd after his team lost the championship. But at its core, talk radio is 10 sporadic minutes of entertainment squished into 50 minutes of commercials for male enhancement, shady funding organizations and the station’s other talk shows. Such whores! They remind me of myself.

King of the Cubicle. Seemed like a good idea at the time.

Fiction. The last novel I read was The Davinci Code. For some reason, I’m powerless to suspend my disbelief long enough to accept that Sue-Ellen Soggybritches meets her long-lost sister while they’re both waiting in line to use the bathroom at Wal-Mart, which is out of order because another female customer clogged it when she pooped out nine balloons full of smuggled heroin just a half-hour earlier – and the heroin-shitter is the sisters’ mother! I’d rather read something real.

Saving money. The whole “let’s set up a budget and follow it so we can retire somewhere magical, like Kansas” routine is a serious burr in my ass. Because we’re trying to save, I have to think twice about over-tipping the dancers at the titty bar so they’ll pay attention to me. Do you know how hard it is to get noticed at Captain Cream’s when you’re only throwing one dollar on the stage and drinking domestic light beer? Is this China? It feels like China.

Comments

The way I've heard it, if it were China you'd be drinking baiju and they'd think you were a rockstar.

I'm a man, and I can't like hot dogs, whiskey or cigars. Believe me, I've tried. Just don't like em.

I was hoping for actual stick figures cuz you know..they'd rule DGM style!

Ten bucks says Hot Wife sees right through your plea-for-pass-to-hockey-game that is thinly veiled as a compliment. ;)

Also - if it makes you feel any better, I don't even notice the ads. I actually thought, ads? what ads? and had to scroll up. Hm. My husband may be onto something when he says I am not the most observant person.

Oh and it must be China because I don't comprehend this 'budget' you speak of. Is that Chinese?

Hey DGM. I have a few things to say...#1 ummmm artichoke hearts Yummy! #2 I am LOVING King of the Cubical... I am actually working on submitting some stuff about my work. So look out for it. #3 saving...oh god do I hear you!!

Julie

Radiohead sucks and I wish Jessica Alba did.

I actually really like your other blog. I can identify with it, and it gives me a place to laugh about things that ordinarily annoy me while they're happening.

I like three songs by Radiohead. Jessica Alba looks really, really weird to me. And martinis are Satan's piss.

Bananas - Because they are the consistency of a turd.

George W. Bush - Because I am a republican, I want to like him. Because I can recognize ego over intelligence, I don't.

And martinis are liquid valium and so, so good for the soul.

Your whole stick figure scenario reminded me of The Secret Window. You know, the one where the guy was actually schizophrenic? Better have another swig of Southern Comfort before your brain explodes. Maybe it's just nerves? I don't care what the topic is - any book by you would rule all!

Your mistake with the martini was in trying the 'real' one. Go for the fake, fruity martinis and you'll be in love. And possibly gay.

I´m a loyal reader and love this site, which is why it was such a big shock to open this post only to have my little icelandic heart shattered to pieces by you not liking Sigurrós. If anyone needs me I´ll be in my patriotic corner crying.

King of Cubicle posts should be a weekly special at Dad Gone Mad..my 2cents.

Kettle One Martini, shaken..alot, dirty w/ 2 olives..YUM

Fiction: I can't get enough.

Talk Radio: Try www.ktrs.com at 3pm CST. Check out Frank Opinion. That is good talk radio

Other than that, I'm with you!

Anno, I hear you on Bush. Hell, I campaigned for him, and I really WANT to like, I just can't anymore. Dammit.

Radiohead does suck, big time. "Creep" was their only decent song.

Jessica Alba is hot. But, not as hot as Jessica Biel or Jessica Simpson. So...Alba < Biel > Simpson, for you math majors out there.

King of the Cubical is funny as hell, man. I've been reading DGM for almost a year now, and the first few posts of KotC are just as funny as anything I've read on DGM.

Rock on.

--"Brass Monkey - that funky monkey...Brass Monkey junkie...That funky Monkey"

Oh yeah, and vodka martinis suck. The fruity ones are tasty, though I can't bring myself to order one in a bar (and never will).

I'm more of a gin martini or a scotch drinker. Give me a nice 15 year old single-malt, and I'm good for the night!

I didn't even notice the ads, till you mentioned them. Also, KotC rocks.

I never notice the ads - does that mean you're losing money by me not clicking on them or something?

Also, I love KOTC (even if you don't agree with me wearing flip flops to work!!)

Double also, Jen's book rocks - more than once I had to take 3 minutes to compose myself - that book is a serious ab work out! (my stupid border's doesn't have marthas' book yet!)

Artichokes: (this is actually for hot wife) I'd like to like them - they look pretty cool when I see them at trader joes - but honestly - what do I do with them???? Would you be so kind as to maybe post your favorite (read: easiest) recipe so I can experiment?

Posts? What posts? I just come here for the ads for Amazon and cell phones......maybe you should do some posts about parenting or some junk?

Martinis suck, I agree. The first time I tasted one, I thought, "This tastes like poison." I thought that the second time, too. Obviously I'm not a very quick learner.

Hey, Kansas IS magical.

I agree with the above posters - fruity martinis are the way to go! Chocolate martinis work too.

I never noticed the ads on top either. Guess I'm just not that observant.

Love, love, love artichokes & tamales! At Ren Faires (yes, I'm a dork), they serve whole artichokes with butter. Anything tastes good with butter!

Have you tried a Gin martini?
Don't like Radiohead either....

and are we ALL supposed to be writing books?

Is that the next step for PR blogging types?

Yeah! I hate blog ads.

Rebecca, I'll have to get back to you later. Since Danny thinks I am prettier than Jessica Alba, who I had to Google, I am too busy doing EVERYTHING so he can watch hockey uniterrupted. Isn't he the greatest?

He doesn't know this but I think we are so good together because he doesn't like artichoke or tamales. This way, I don't have to share.

Agree on the music Deal. Talk radio is soul sucking in my area, except for Preston and Steve in the am. Check out Podcasts at wmmr.com - very funny stuff. Artichokes rock! Steam for 40 minutes and peel off the leaves, dip in butter and suck on the end of the leaf. (heh, I said suck)...

Rebecca - four words: spinach and artichoke dip. Yummy!!

Dude - Lost rocks!

Yes on the gin martinis. Vodka is lame. dirty it up if you have to and that might make you like it more.

Um. That's pretty much it. I just don't like what I don't like and am happy about it. What I don't like sucks anyway. So why would I want to like it?

Next time try an Absolute Martini. Absolute is what is known as a "slick" vodka rather than an "astringent" vodka. Astringent is exactly what the Stolinaya etc. taste like. Dirty is definitely good.
The ads are okay. Like I said before, 2 college educations and a wedding in the future.
Try dipping the artichoke leaf end in Italian dressing or mayonnaise (I know it sounds weird, but it is basically a cold version of Hollandaise) and you scrape the "meat" on the inside bottom portion of the leaf off with your top teeth and eat it. That is also the area you dip.
Also canned artichoke heart quarters lightly floured and sauteed in a little olive oil with lemon juice and a smidge of garlic make a great appetizer or snack.

Hot Wife - I'll keep checking back!!

Mommamack - thanks! I made a list for my next trader joes trip.

Excellent description of a martini. I used to describe it as tasting like drinking perfume mixed with pine sap (gin martini), but I like your description better.

Kind of what happens when some wholistic freak tells you that putting oil of oregano under your tongue will cure your allergies. Imagine a martini's taste and burning sensation cubed to infiniti, and then realize you will not get a buzz from this torture, nor will it cure your allergies, because apparently you have to do it more than once. It is one of the most horrible things I've ever inflicted on my mouth. And, mixing it with tomato juice or V8 DOES NOT MAKE IT BETTER. Do not let them try to talk you into it. Also, don't even think about trying to smoke or getting fire anywhere near your mouth for at least a couple of hours. I cannot promise that you won't singe your bangs, eyelashes and eyebrows off. (That didn't happen to me, but it'd be funny to see!)

No worries about King of the Cubicle – just post those entertaining pieces on DGM!!!

During the first season of Lost when no one could shut up about it, I was determined to hate it. Not sure why. Another season came and went. Then I folded and rented the whole first season. Let me tell you, I didn't stray from the couch for like 12 hours. IT IS SO GOOD. You will not regret it. Do you netflix? Do it.

My sister has tried valiantly for over a year now to get me to like talk radio. She swears it's the only thing that keeps her awake when she's driving. It promptly puts me straight to sleep. She kept extolling the virtues of Glenn Beck and I have only become a diehard fan now that I watch his TV show. I guess I'm just more visual...He's got a lot of good things to say, I just have to watch him say them.

Apple martinis are good. Never tried an unleaded one. One casino's bar in town makes an apple martini, though, that does taste awful close to diesel fuel.

The budget thing was the only one I could relate to. I'm down to collecting change on the floor of my beater-mobile to buy a diet Coke twice a month.