Mine!
They never mention it in childbirth classes or parenting books but I’m here to tell you it’s true: when you become a father, you can never have anything that’s exclusively your own. Any of the material and intangible “things” you used to have “all to yourself” – starting with your wife – are claimed as community property in a hostile takeover by your greedy-ass children. I’ve known this to be a fact for many years now and have learned to live with it. But this week I was reminded just how insidious and rapacious my own flesh and blood can be.
When they were babies, the signs that nothing was mine were of a gruesome nature. If I had a favorite shirt or tie, the kids commandeered it with a perfectly times gush of curdled white spit-up – the kind that smells like a gallon of buttermilk after a long, hot summer in the Mojave desert. If I had any semblance of innocence or hope in my heart, they stole that the first time I opened a dirty diaper and saw pieces of food I could identify (corn, beans, small rodents, etc.). In fact, the only possessions I was still able to control independently were a couple of cigars, my collection of porn DVDs, and a bright orange Black and Decker power drill they couldn’t use because their hands were too small and weak to the drill and pull the trigger simultaneously.
Last week, I finally took a stand. The behemoth Sony TV we’d had since before Hot Wife and I were married (almost 11 years ago) had become a true embarrassment in our home. Friends and neighbors would come into the house, see the antiquated TV and throw us a disgusted snarl – probably the same kind you’d see if you showed-up at a pool party wearing sandals with brown socks and one of those clips people use to keep water out of their noses.
So I took the plunge: a 32-inch, flat-screen HDTV. I don’t know how to articulate my unbridled giddiness about my new toy except to say that if the rumors about Jesus returning to earth are true, he’ll probably come over to my place to watch SportsCenter before getting down to the business of forgiving and whatnot.
In fact, the brilliance of my new TV can be rivaled by only one thing, and that of course is my children’s belief that they are entitled to anything their greedy little eyes can see. I have clearly been too generous with them, and it's plain to me now that I should have spent less time praising/rewarding them and more time beating them into submission.
My daughter woke up at 6:45 this morning. She shuffled her way out to the living room where I was sitting on the couch with my laptop, reading blogs. She smiled her tired smile at me and crawled up to rest her sleepy little head on my shoulder. I closed the laptop and held her.
“Daddy?”
“What, baby?”
“Can I watch TV?”
Shit! Fuck! I can tell immediately that this conversation is going to end in tears, although I’m not altogether sure which of us will be shedding them. I want to be generous with my new TV, but generosity has limits.
“What do you want to watch?” I ask her.
(You know what’s coming next, don’t you?)
“Ummmm…BARNEY!”
“No,” I say. “Absolutely not. No way.”
“But whyyyyyy, daddddeeeeeee?”
“Honey, that TV right there is the most important and special thing I’ve ever bought – even better than the items in The Drawer of Sex and Violence. I certainly will not have My Precious soiled by an effeminate, purple fuckhead.”
“What’s a fuckhead?”
“It’s bad, honey. Very, very bad. Worse than that woman in the Camry who daddy flipped-off on the freeway last weekend. I betcha Barney would change lanes in front of us without signaling, too.”
That’s a lot of vitriol for a four-year-old who has just woken up. She sits there silently trying to get her bearings. Then she turns and looks at me.
“Pweease, daddy? Pweease can I pweease watch Barney?”
“No, honey,” I say. “I’m sorry but the day Barney’s face appears on that beautiful screen is the day I light my hair on fire and run naked down Main Street screaming, “I DON’T love him and he sure as shit DOESN’T love ME!”
Her eyes well up and a giant crocodile tear dives down her right cheek. She puts her head in her hands and begins to sob.
Just then, her brother opens his bedroom door and walks out to the living room. He too is rubbing the sleep from his eyes.
“Morning, daddy,” he says.
My daughter picks her tear-stained face up out of her hands, looks at him and says, “Morning, fuckhead.”
I swear... you and my husband are living parallel lives, except on different coasts. And your wife is much hotter than me.
It's spooky.
LOL The only thing she learned from that whole incident was the last thing you would want her to learn.
I'll bet it makes you feel better that tonight you will be sleeping on the couch tonight with your 32 inch TV for teaching TAFKABBF such a horrible, disgusting word.
Wow, that's brutal! Just what I want to hear first thing in the morning! HAHA Can I come over and watch tv? I don't like Sports but that's ok...if it's exciting I'll take it!
Not to rain on your parade, Danny, but WHAT ABOUT YOUR BUDGET?
Lori, very interesting question.
Lori, that was way below the belt. Don't make me block you.
I was thinking the exact same thing Lori!
It's amazing how t.v. can bring out the worst in us.
A few years ago, we had satellite t.v., and I could not work the remote for the life of me. My husband would have to set up everything for me, like I was 5, and then hope for the best.
One day, he left me home with two sick kids. Kids who were sick enough to stay home but not be listless (no suck luck). Just whiny and demanding. I'm sure you can relate.
As soon as he left, the f'ing t.v. went staticky--out of nowhere. I went to call him in a panic, and I couldn't find where he had left the stupid phone. I picked up the fax machine phone and called him, and he raced home. Apparently in the midst of all that, my 3-yr-old daughter took in every word I said, most of which were not nice, to say the very least.
When he walked back in the door, he was greeted by a pissed off looking preschooler, arms folded across her chest, saying: "Where the fuck have you been, where the fuck is the phone and what the fuck is wrong with the t.v.?"
Not one of my prouder parenting moments.
^No SUCH luck, rather.
The big joke in our marriage? My husband bought "me" a Harley Davidson so I bought "him" a 42" plasma HDTV.
Aren't we nice?
My partner wants an HDTV.
I want a new cooker.
What we'll probably get is a trampoline for the garden.
Says it all, really.
Damn kids.
LOL...should've told her Barney isn't hi-def so he won't work on the new TV.
also, my nephew had these red sneakers and somehow a cat peed on them...when we'd ask him why we threw his red sneakers out...he'd reply "because they smelled like cat piss"!!!
I loved that story!
LOL at--“No, honey,” I say. “I’m sorry but the day Barney’s face appears on that beautiful screen is the day I light my hair on fire and run naked down Main Street screaming, “I DON’T love him and he sure as shit DOESN’T love ME!”
i don't have kids but when i do they will not be allowed to watch barney. i hope that they will not even know who barney is. in fact, i'd be tempted to ask other parents if they allow barney in their home before i let my kid go to their house. so, i'm right there with ya.
Very funny!
Why does everyone hate Barney? I understand why DGM doesn't; he's so full of hate, he can't see straight. But even many seemingly non-hate-filled people don't like him. For the life of me, I don't get it. And neither does my wife - and she's much more hate-filled than me. Perhaps even more than DGM.
My husband often times refers to Dr Phil as Dr Fuck. As he was leaving for work one day and being cranky that he had to go to work and I "get to sit around all day with the kids" (ha fuckin HA) told me to enjoy Dr Fuck, to which our almost 3 year old replied "It's NOT Dr Fuck, Daddy, it's Dr Phil. " We were speechless, but he calls him by the correct name now!
"I don't have kids but when i do they will not be allowed to watch barney"
I remember when I didn't have children and would make such remarks, ha!
cute story...
DGM, you got me on the loss of innocence and hope in the contents of a diaper. Priceless post, enjoy the TV...
Too damn funny. I thought for sure someone was going to poke their head into my cube to see if I was ok, as I was making a lot of strange noises trying to stifle the laughter at this post.
Brilliant. I was already laughing at the post and then I got to the comments... sorry Candy, the first thing you need to learn is "never say never". I swore Barney's purple fuckwittedness would never ever sully the brains of my offspring, but when the kid has an ear infection and nothing else is on TV, you'll do it. Because Barney may be obnoxious but at least he's not The View.
Oh ya. Kid's remember only the things we wish they wouldn't.
Oh and I always said Barney would not be welcome in my home either... that was back before I ACTUALLY had kids.
Fuckhead is quite bad...but my daughter, JuniorMisssy called her brother a "fat bastard" at a war memorial in Thailand in front of solemn visitors paying their respects to the war dead.
We sussed out it came from her watching Family Guy on the plane on the way over...ooops!
Welcome to the wonderful world of High Def, Danny! In opposite of your situation, since getting ours life has been just freaking Peachy! With Teens, even! It is called The Tube and it is the greatest invention in the world since Music Television stopped ever playing music. The Tube, Danny, has saved my sanity by playing music videos from the 50's to the present and is teaching our kids about REAL music. No rap crap!
We can all agree to spending way too many hours glued to see what the next video is gonna be. It could be Johnny Cash or it could be Cindy Lauper. Beatles or Fall Out Boy. BB King or Queen.
I am a convert. I am in love,and I don't have to see it's wanker in a locker room to know it's my new religion. It is the BARNEY for my teens. Put it on and all arguments cease. sigh.... Prozac on a screen, baby.
I found this clip on YouTube and thought I MUST share it with you.
Make sure TAFKABBF watches it, she might like it :P
Thanks for the hugh laugh! My kids found Barney, I thought I was done with him, that they had taken him off the air, but no. Have a song for him and have to leave the room when he comes on.
I hate you, you hate me, let's all kill barney, with a shotgun blast barney's on the floor, no more purple dinosaur.
I have to say, if you have more than one tv, it sure does shut them up :)
HA! I swore neither of my kids would ever watch Barney and they didn't. Of course, both of them loved Teletubbies so you win some, you lose some.
Hey DGM....Gotta love the little things kids call each other. My 5 year old son got mad at his 6 year old sister yesterday when she stepped on his toe, and he screamed at the top of his lungs "Fucking bitch!" In front of my Jevhovah's Witness neighbors who were outside at that precise moment. Inside I was dying of laughter, but of course I had to do the "responsible thing" and remind him not to call people names. Love that kid.
My husband, who doesn't believe in spanking our kids (so you can guess who the disciplinarian is in OUR home) always tells our 2 kids (15 and 7), that he's going to spank their ass if they don't do whatever it is he is asking them to do. Well...we were repainting a couple of rooms in our house and were in Lowe's buying supplies. He threw maskin (sp?) tape in our cart instead of paint tape. The cashier made a comment about it and told me what I already knew...maskin tape would peal the paint off...so I had my 15 y/o go find her dad...who had to go back to the paint aisle for something...to ask him if he meant to get the maskin tape. She comes back and says, "daddy said he knows what he's doing." To which my son...who was 5 at the time...yells...in the middle of Lowe's..."if it does, I'm gonna spank his ass." Man...the looks we got. Then...to make matters worse...I told him that wasn't very nice...to which he replies...well daddy says that ALL.THE.TIME. *rolling my eyes* Kids are great.
Mine: even the word swallows the 'i'.
Thanks DGM you've made me feel master of my domain. I some how managed to ban that purple bastard before the kids even started watching TV. I did have the help of the official Barney Hater's Society
Whats wrong with Barney? Doesn't he teach children manners? Y'all would keep your kids from watching a educational show just because YOU don't like it. I don't get it but funny story anyway.