When I awoke this morning, The Great Big Man In Red was in full effect. It’s like that on a lot of mornings, which is very painful because when I try to roll over on my belly it sort of squishes back into itself and I end up having to Move Like An Emu for the next several hours. I can’t speak for everyone, but I think most guys handle these situations by taking Jimmy The Elf into the bathroom and Ring-A-Ding-A-Ding Dong! But this time, since it was Friday and I’d been Racing to the Rainbow all week long, I decided a little Zing Zang Wing Wang Wong might be nice.

I scooted over to the other side of the bed and said, “Hey There, Partner.”

She opened her eyes, looked at me and said, “Ooh, It's Captain Feathersword.”

“Hey,” I said. “Cocky Want A Cracker. Can I interest you in a Morningtown Ride?”

She furrowed her brow and looked at me as though I was a moron. “Wake Up Jeff!” she said. “We can’t do the Romp Bomp A Stomp when the kids are awake. What if they see us?”

“Big deal,” I said. “First of all, even if they did see us they wouldn’t know we were doing the Willaby Wallaby Woo. And if they walk in we can tell them We're Playing A Trick On The Captain or something. Come on. Let’s do the Monkey Dance.”

She smiled coyly and said, “Lights, Camera, Action, Wiggles!”

“Now THAT’S what I’M talking about,” I said. “Here Come The Wiggles.”

“Go Captain Feathersword, Ahoy!” she said.

But before we could begin the Shaky Shaky, in walked the Top Of The Tots.

“Hey There, Wally” I said.

“Hi Dad,” he said. “Can you please make me some Crunchy Munchy Honey Cakes?”

Ugh! The horror! Fatherhood can be a serious inconvenience when you’re horny.

“I’ll tell you what, bud. I Can Do So Many Things, but I think I need a little more sleep first. Can you give me about 15 minutes? After that I’ll come out there and we can have a Magical Adventure.”

He drops his shoulders and cops that frustrated, disappointed little boy attitude.

“Waiting for you is boring. I don’t even know what to do while you finish sleeping.”

“Oh come on, dude,” I said. “You can Play Your Guitar With Murray. You could take your little army men on a Wiggly Safari. And if you’re really hungry there’s some Fruit Salad on the bottom shelf of the fridge. OK? Now go. Go Shake Your Sillies Out.”

He turns and drags his bag of bones out of the room. Finally! Now we can get back to the Hoop Dee Doo.

But wait. There’s a problem with Captain’s Magic Buttons. While I was trying to rescue our coitus from our son, it seems Captain Feathersword Fell Asleep On His Pirate Ship (if you catch my drift). “Blow Me Down!” I exclaimed in frustration.

Hot Wife sees my disappointment and tries to remedy the situation in her own special way.

“What's This Button For?” she says, and then she answers the question herself. After a few wonderful seconds, This Little Baby Is Born Again. Now we can get back to The Barrel Polka.

I re-engaged and was oh-so-close to starting to Splish Splash Big Red Boat, but the bedroom door opened again. It was our beautiful daughter, Mitten the Kitten. She was holding a picture book of animals. She climbed up onto the bed, showed me a picture of a polar bear and said, “Daddy, You Might Like A Pet.”

My attempts to scoot her out of the room failed miserably. I look at Hot Wife, she looks at me, and our eyes agree that we’ll have to bid Farewell To The Wiggly Trail.

It’s a total drag because, as I said, Wags Loves To Shake Shake. So after Hot Wife took our Balla Balla Bambina out to Run Around Run Run, I slipped into Anthony’s Workshop to Dance The Ooby-Doo.

Shortly thereafter, someone knocked on the bathroom door. Scared the crap out of me (but I guess the bathroom is a good place to be in the event of having the crap scared out of you). I immediately stopped playing Where Is Thumbkin, pulled my pants up and apparently created quite a ruckus in the process.

“Daddy?” my son called-out from the other side of the door. “What are you doing in there?”

I caught my breath and calmly tried to think of something clever to say.

“Ahem,” I said. “Wah Hoo Hey, I'm Combing My Hair Today.”

He miraculously believed me and walked away without investigating further. But I certainly learned my lesson. It just goes to show you: Snakes: You Can Look But You Better Not Touch.

Comments

You have got to be kidding me. You are totally scaring me, Captain Feathersword.

that's too good, cpt feathersword...

Told from a man with far too much time on his hands ... toot, toot, chugga, chugga, big red car!

At least you didn't make anyone Dorothy the Dinosaur. That might not have gone over so well.

Way TMI, even if told in a strange way! Now I'm going to be repeating whacky names to myself all day, and I don't even have anyone to play this game with!

And even that couldn't make the Wiggles more disturbing...

Where was Wags the Dog through all this?

Well thank God for pre-school and the fact Daren has Friday mornings off, because we were doing the Dingo Tango all freaking morning. Nanner nanner nanner!
Clever entry!

Captain Feathersword.

Oh my hell.

This was so very kinda gross I had to stop reading.

Poor Wondersis!

I'll never be able to look at The Wiggles the same way again...

Oi. If you shortened this a bit, you could use it as the outside packaging of an empty box that would be extremely effective birth control. By the time people got through reading it....the mood is officially killed.

danny dear, i love you. even though you frighten me.

Quite hilarious! You crack me up!

I am thanking sweet Jesus that my kids are so old I have no idea what all this was about, but it was kind of like reading a comment from DGM's old fan, Newfie's Woman.

I haven't stopped laughing yet!!Thankk God it was the Wiggles and not the Wonder pets!

Sorry you weren't even able to Shake Your Sillies Out later in peace.

I am glad that someone else OBVIOUSLY has a LOT of Wiggles dvd's in there premises.

And that they haunt your tortured psyche almost as much as they do here.

You REALLY need a weekend away.
GO, dammit!

So are you sayin' that you and Hotwife pulled out the nastymat and were trying to get it on?

That was such a funny post and I thank god every day that my 3yr old hasn't latched on to the Wiggles.

Not my favorite blog entry. have you ever thought of purchasing a lock for your bedroom door?

OMG that was fucking priceless. HAHAHHAHHAHAHAH!!!!!!!!!!!!

OMG. That was too funny!

Holy shit, that was hilarious. I almost peed my pants.

Great... this is what I have to look forward to?

This is so wrong, but so, so funny.

"Wags the dog, he likes to tango."

Dude, lock the damn door!

You almost got me fired with "stopped playing Where is Thumbkin ..."

Have a great Father's Day!

hahahahahahahahahaha

you are so right on this one!!!!!!---
Fatherhood can be a serious inconvenience when you’re horny.

Hilarious!

But "Shake your Sillies Out" was by Raffi, not the Wiggles (or at least he recorded it twenty years ago...).

Totally lol-able!My little guy isn't really into the Wiggles yet, thanks mostly to the fact that his dad is terrified of them- but when the day comes that he wants to watch them, I'm gonna be busting a gut every time I hear the name of a song.

Thanks for keeping us entertained, and have a great Father's Day!

A particularly genius entry...

Maybe you should be true to your heritage and add the Wiggles' "Hevenu Shalom Aleichem" to your morning lyrics. God just might smile down upon you, and you won't be relegated to playing mashed banana in the bathroom.

Oh my lord...that was SO disturbing...I think I need therapy now...

Not having kids (aside from a 90 lb yellow lab), I have no FUCKING clue what that was all about...just one question, though.

Who the shit is Jeff?

Hey joe, you actually DO have a FUCKING idea what it's all about. You're smarter than you think you are.

So your "di dicky do dum" up and died?

Well now. Looks like you didn't need that vasectomy after all.

way too funny!! Happy Fathers Day DGM!

way too funny!! Happy Fathers Day DGM!

That entry was way too hard to read because I kept singing all the Wiggle songs as I was reading the post. I kept waiting for Zardo Zap.

I'm slightly traumatised after reading that.

Ahhhh.... it's things like this that keep us all coming back for more - too funny - way way way too funny!!

Happy Father's Day DGM!!

It's always a bummer when you're trying to get in Caveland, but instead have to go Walking on the Moon.

Excellent post!

- From another dad who tries to find amusing ways to get through another morning with the Wiggles.

I still haven't stopped laughing. Happy Father's Day.

wow... not only does this make my desire for children diminish but also makes me not want to ever hear the word "wiggles" again. they already creeped me out before i even read this!

the Wiggles scare me.
Happy Father's Day!!

This was seriously hilarious. I have no kids and live in the Netherlands but even I could appreciate the humor in these little word plays. Happy Father's Day! Thanks for the great entry.