Here’s how you know when you’re completely hosed:

When you arrive home after an especially disgusting day at the office, two whiny, clingy, catastrophically tired children greet you at the door. They grab hold and hang on you like a wet towel on a hook. When you finally unlatch their superheroic kung-fu grasps from your legs, you walk over to kiss your wife. As soon as your lips separate from hers, she says, “Don’t forget I’m going out tonight, honey. You’ll have the kids to yourself.”

See? Hosed.

A smart man would have run for his life. A man with even a shred of inclination toward self-preservation would have negotiated some sort of mutual understanding with his wife – an agreement that a personally offensive requirement such as this would need to be properly “appreciated” upon her return. But I am neither smart nor a particularly strong negotiator. I silently acquiesced because for some stupid reason I still feel an obligation to be a father – even in times when all I want is a beer and the remote control – because I just can’t get past the fact that I love those kids with the white hot fury of 7,000 suns. And lemme tell you, it’s a real inconvenience sometimes.

She left. She got into her minivan and drove away, abandoning me there with Marty McWhineypants and his lovely assistant, Sally Snottybottom. They kvetched all night. Daddyiwantsomegrapes. Daddycanyoureadthistome. Daddycanwehavedessert. Daddydaddydaddy. And when I sat on the floor and played Legos with them, it was never enough. The airplane wasn’t big enough. The monkey’s leg fell off. The house had no windows. “Fix it, daddy!”

By bathtime I was cooked. I hadn’t eaten dinner, hadn’t checked my email, hadn’t done a thing for myself. And still: the whining. The first three times I asked them to get undressed the response was this:

“__________.”

The fourth time was different. I didn’t ask.

“GUYS! LISTEN! I WANT YOU TO GO INTO YOUR ROOMS, TAKE YOUR CLOTHES OFF AND MEET ME IN THE BATHROOM IN 30 SECONDS. GO. NOW.”

My tone was sufficiently assholish to motivate action. Forty-five seconds later they were butt-naked, freshly pee-peed and standing under a running shower.

I left them there for a moment. I needed 30 seconds of peace – enough time to throw together a PB&J and fire up the computer. I began to wonder to myself how stay-at-home parents endure this all day. How do they stay sane? How do they—

Hold it.

It’s too quiet.

It shouldn’t be this quiet. This can’t be good.

I set down my sandwich and stormed back to the bathroom, all the while girding myself for the carnage I knew I’d see when I got there. “If they’re drawing on the shower door with my shaving cream again, they can forget about ever seeing the sun again.”

When I got to the bathroom, I looked inside and saw something that rocked me to my core.

He was washing her hair.

I stopped, backed up a step and watched in silence. They didn’t know I was there.

He spoke softly to her. He told her it was time to rinse (a step he knows she hates) and instructed her to turn her back to the water. He helped her bend her head back to let the water cascade down the back of her head. He positioned his right hand on her back for support and his left hand vertically at her hairline to prevent the spray from going into her eyes.

I felt a tear run down my right cheek. My chest wanted to explode. How do they do this? How do they become so special? And how do I forget that they have this incredible capacity to love each other?

Fatherhood plays tricks on you. It sets you up to pound your chest and raise your voice and demand compliance from your children. You learn to presume guilt. And then, without warning, it pulls the rug out from under your anger, leaving you out of breath in a blubbering state of gratitude.

I love that about it.

Comments

Don't make me cry at work, goddammit!

Great, now my face is wet, my mascaras smeared, and I have half an hour till I can go fix it. Evil man.

Another amazing post...

You ROCK, Danny !!

Great post. My wife and I have three clingy whiney things of my own. In the blink of an eye, they somehow transform themselves and remind us why they are so special.

I needed this post today. Badly. My son got up at the crack of dawn and has been a holy terror all morning. I'm ready to lose my freaking mind (because even stay-at-home parents lose it sometimes). This post helped me to remember why I do this thing called parenting. Thank you so much!!

Ayup. I understand.

Danny that was beautiful. I'm sure at some point you were just as sweet to your sister. Right Wondersis??

Oh wow. I didn't see that coming. People ask me all of the time how I do the single parent thing but like you said, Hot Wife is the one with the really tough job. It's obvious your kids have a great set of parents.

Wow.

Man ... you are a lucky dude. And you have a wonderfully loving and patient wife and family. Do you have the desire to adopt a 39-year-old female orphan? I can ditch the husband if you only want to adopt me ... ?

Ah yes. Nothing better than seeing your offspring getting along. Lovely story, well told.

Did you have to do that on a day when the kids were being a pain, and I was enjoying snapping at them? Now I'm looking at them in a new light again. Darn you!
And as an aside, I recently spent 7 days driving in California, and if you come home from work grumpy and tired I totally understand why! Traffic there sucks!! Where I live, if we wait behind 3 cars at a traffic light, it's a traffic jam. Lucky, aren't I?

Makes me almost what to have a couple spawn myself...

First time reading your blog. Wonderful stuff. I'm gonna tell my hubs about it. I think you verbalize all that he feels!

Are you trying to make me cry? Cuz you almost did. Almost. What a beautiful post Danny! Kids certainly are a pain in the butt, but they also have the ability to amaze us at the weirdest times!

This one got me! Just like the first time my little girl looked me straight in the eye and said, "Daddy, I wuv you." I took out my check book and said to her, "Sweety, how much do you want cause you can have everything Daddy has."

Big guys like you and me aren't suppose to cry right? At least that's what the handbook they gave me said. Try as I might, I have never been able to do it though.

Wait. Are you saying siblings are nice to each other when we're not looking?

Beautifully written. Thank you for the smile, I needed it today.

Lovely imagery. Great post. I needed this, too. MY son headbutted me this morning, causing blood to cascade out my nose in great volume. Many tears ensued. But he's still my baby...

Oh, Danny. You really got me this time. I am the no-nonsense mother of two almost grown kids, former day care provider( read: seen it all), and you have me crying at my computer over your sweet kids. Thanks! :-)

Beautiful.

Generally, my girls fight like cats and dogs, so I love it when something like this happens. That being said, I don't stop to appreciate it enough. Thanks for the reminder.

"She got into her minivan and drove away..."
That brought back memories for me. The kids referred to the minivan as the "mother-ship". And yes, every time I left alone, they would do some incredible thing and make the evening every thing the day spent with them was not. My husband would say "I don't know what you were complaining about, they were great". Yeah, after they had yanked out my nerves by the roots, I guess they were done for the day.

That was lovely and all but why did you choose to leave out the fact that I made a hot meal before I left. That little fact would make me look much better.

@ Hot Wife

1) Not relevant.
2) You've got plenty of "little facts" that make you look good already. You don't need my help.
3) Everyone, Hot Wife made dinner before she abandoned us.

LMAO!

Absolutely perfect! I am a stay at home mom and boy did I need this one! Thank you DGM!

Beautiful.

Oooooh, you just burn me up! I come here after a long, hard day of work and kid and dogs to get a good laugh and you make me get all teary and sentimental! Damn you and your beautiful post! Thhhhupppptttt!

Raising two kids that actually care about each other and only spend 75% of their time trying to kill one another is a testament to your ability to parent. Congrats!

I wish I was related to you guys.
Your kids are so sweet. You are doing a great job!

My two were in the tub tonight, also suspiciously quiet. I entered to find one carefully rinsing the other's hair while he held his nose under the water. When the soap was all gone, I said it was time to get out but the freshly washed one objected - his brother had let him go first and he was determined that they shouldn't get out until his brother had a turn also! For all the frustrations, there's so much more love.

A glorious story, well told.

Nice.

I love your blogs, but this one killed me. I feel like this everyday when I stay at home. Just when I am about to pop open the bottle and chug for my life... the kids pull something like this out. Perfectly written. Thanks

Oh you bastard! I never even saw that coming, and now I'm a big mushy mess.

Thanks for reminding me to appreciate the little monkeys. It's hard to remember to stop and smell the roses when you're up to your eyeballs in crap (sometimes literally!). Both me and the hubby gave the girls some extra kisses tonight.

Sniff. Sniff. Sniff.

So, when does your book come out?

Sniff...

You made me cry with such a sweet post. Three cheers for DGM.

Isn't it nice when they actually get along?

You have such a lightness of touch with your writing. Loved it. Am new to your blog and don't whore myself out to just any blog.

Ms R

Danny, because I am on the east coast, I read these a day late,
No fair making me get all weepy before work.

You Rock !

They can truly amaze you at times can't they?

Beatiful, Danny!

Hot Wife: You didn't look bad at all without the dinner notation since you had spent ALL DAY with McWhineypants and Snottybottom.

Dam got me all teary eyed!!! I hate (read: love) when you do that.

So yea when IS the book coming out?????

Awesome post, very inspiring.

Why were you eating PB&J when Hot Wife made a perfectly hot meal for you? Oh yeah, and that was a sweet post.

I love those magical moments. Mine are little, but it still does that to me when the older one shares her cake with her little sister w/o asking....

I would have commented on this much sooner, but I was wiping poop off the back of my laptop because I was trying to work while watching all four of my monsters, and turned my head for a minute to answer an email when the baby decided to check if he was actually poopy. The result was affirmative and he had to get the nastiness off his finger. How do we SAHD's do it while having a full time job? We don't.

ahhhh.....i love it when the kids help each other out. I have so many memories of my 2 older daughters when they little doing the sweetest things for each other. When ever they get pissy with each other now I break out the pictures of the two of them holding hands and playing dress up together....gets them every time.

And this is why I want to have another sprat to go with the sweet boy I already have.

I love your blog every day but this is just... marvellous. A beautiful story and told so well.