Here’s how you know when you’re completely hosed:

When you arrive home after an especially disgusting day at the office, two whiny, clingy, catastrophically tired children greet you at the door. They grab hold and hang on you like a wet towel on a hook. When you finally unlatch their superheroic kung-fu grasps from your legs, you walk over to kiss your wife. As soon as your lips separate from hers, she says, “Don’t forget I’m going out tonight, honey. You’ll have the kids to yourself.”

See? Hosed.

A smart man would have run for his life. A man with even a shred of inclination toward self-preservation would have negotiated some sort of mutual understanding with his wife – an agreement that a personally offensive requirement such as this would need to be properly “appreciated” upon her return. But I am neither smart nor a particularly strong negotiator. I silently acquiesced because for some stupid reason I still feel an obligation to be a father – even in times when all I want is a beer and the remote control – because I just can’t get past the fact that I love those kids with the white hot fury of 7,000 suns. And lemme tell you, it’s a real inconvenience sometimes.

She left. She got into her minivan and drove away, abandoning me there with Marty McWhineypants and his lovely assistant, Sally Snottybottom. They kvetched all night. Daddyiwantsomegrapes. Daddycanyoureadthistome. Daddycanwehavedessert. Daddydaddydaddy. And when I sat on the floor and played Legos with them, it was never enough. The airplane wasn’t big enough. The monkey’s leg fell off. The house had no windows. “Fix it, daddy!”

By bathtime I was cooked. I hadn’t eaten dinner, hadn’t checked my email, hadn’t done a thing for myself. And still: the whining. The first three times I asked them to get undressed the response was this:

“__________.”

The fourth time was different. I didn’t ask.

“GUYS! LISTEN! I WANT YOU TO GO INTO YOUR ROOMS, TAKE YOUR CLOTHES OFF AND MEET ME IN THE BATHROOM IN 30 SECONDS. GO. NOW.”

My tone was sufficiently assholish to motivate action. Forty-five seconds later they were butt-naked, freshly pee-peed and standing under a running shower.

I left them there for a moment. I needed 30 seconds of peace – enough time to throw together a PB&J and fire up the computer. I began to wonder to myself how stay-at-home parents endure this all day. How do they stay sane? How do they—

Hold it.

It’s too quiet.

It shouldn’t be this quiet. This can’t be good.

I set down my sandwich and stormed back to the bathroom, all the while girding myself for the carnage I knew I’d see when I got there. “If they’re drawing on the shower door with my shaving cream again, they can forget about ever seeing the sun again.”

When I got to the bathroom, I looked inside and saw something that rocked me to my core.

He was washing her hair.

I stopped, backed up a step and watched in silence. They didn’t know I was there.

He spoke softly to her. He told her it was time to rinse (a step he knows she hates) and instructed her to turn her back to the water. He helped her bend her head back to let the water cascade down the back of her head. He positioned his right hand on her back for support and his left hand vertically at her hairline to prevent the spray from going into her eyes.

I felt a tear run down my right cheek. My chest wanted to explode. How do they do this? How do they become so special? And how do I forget that they have this incredible capacity to love each other?

Fatherhood plays tricks on you. It sets you up to pound your chest and raise your voice and demand compliance from your children. You learn to presume guilt. And then, without warning, it pulls the rug out from under your anger, leaving you out of breath in a blubbering state of gratitude.

I love that about it.

Comments

Don't make me cry at work, goddammit!

Great, now my face is wet, my mascaras smeared, and I have half an hour till I can go fix it. Evil man.

Another amazing post...

You ROCK, Danny !!

Great post. My wife and I have three clingy whiney things of my own. In the blink of an eye, they somehow transform themselves and remind us why they are so special.

I needed this post today. Badly. My son got up at the crack of dawn and has been a holy terror all morning. I'm ready to lose my freaking mind (because even stay-at-home parents lose it sometimes). This post helped me to remember why I do this thing called parenting. Thank you so much!!

Ayup. I understand.

Danny that was beautiful. I'm sure at some point you were just as sweet to your sister. Right Wondersis??

Oh wow. I didn't see that coming. People ask me all of the time how I do the single parent thing but like you said, Hot Wife is the one with the really tough job. It's obvious your kids have a great set of parents.

Wow.

Man ... you are a lucky dude. And you have a wonderfully loving and patient wife and family. Do you have the desire to adopt a 39-year-old female orphan? I can ditch the husband if you only want to adopt me ... ?

Ah yes. Nothing better than seeing your offspring getting along. Lovely story, well told.

Did you have to do that on a day when the kids were being a pain, and I was enjoying snapping at them? Now I'm looking at them in a new light again. Darn you!
And as an aside, I recently spent 7 days driving in California, and if you come home from work grumpy and tired I totally understand why! Traffic there sucks!! Where I live, if we wait behind 3 cars at a traffic light, it's a traffic jam. Lucky, aren't I?

Makes me almost what to have a couple spawn myself...

First time reading your blog. Wonderful stuff. I'm gonna tell my hubs about it. I think you verbalize all that he feels!

Are you trying to make me cry? Cuz you almost did. Almost. What a beautiful post Danny! Kids certainly are a pain in the butt, but they also have the ability to amaze us at the weirdest times!

This one got me! Just like the first time my little girl looked me straight in the eye and said, "Daddy, I wuv you." I took out my check book and said to her, "Sweety, how much do you want cause you can have everything Daddy has."

Big guys like you and me aren't suppose to cry right? At least that's what the handbook they gave me said. Try as I might, I have never been able to do it though.

Wait. Are you saying siblings are nice to each other when we're not looking?

Beautifully written. Thank you for the smile, I needed it today.

Lovely imagery. Great post. I needed this, too. MY son headbutted me this morning, causing blood to cascade out my nose in great volume. Many tears ensued. But he's still my baby...

Oh, Danny. You really got me this time. I am the no-nonsense mother of two almost grown kids, former day care provider( read: seen it all), and you have me crying at my computer over your sweet kids. Thanks! :-)

Beautiful.

Generally, my girls fight like cats and dogs, so I love it when something like this happens. That being said, I don't stop to appreciate it enough. Thanks for the reminder.

"She got into her minivan and drove away..."
That brought back memories for me. The kids referred to the minivan as the "mother-ship". And yes, every time I left alone, they would do some incredible thing and make the evening every thing the day spent with them was not. My husband would say "I don't know what you were complaining about, they were great". Yeah, after they had yanked out my nerves by the roots, I guess they were done for the day.

That was lovely and all but why did you choose to leave out the fact that I made a hot meal before I left. That little fact would make me look much better.

@ Hot Wife

1) Not relevant.
2) You've got plenty of "little facts" that make you look good already. You don't need my help.
3) Everyone, Hot Wife made dinner before she abandoned us.

LMAO!

Absolutely perfect! I am a stay at home mom and boy did I need this one! Thank you DGM!

Beautiful.

Oooooh, you just burn me up! I come here after a long, hard day of work and kid and dogs to get a good laugh and you make me get all teary and sentimental! Damn you and your beautiful post! Thhhhupppptttt!

Raising two kids that actually care about each other and only spend 75% of their time trying to kill one another is a testament to your ability to parent. Congrats!

I wish I was related to you guys.
Your kids are so sweet. You are doing a great job!

My two were in the tub tonight, also suspiciously quiet. I entered to find one carefully rinsing the other's hair while he held his nose under the water. When the soap was all gone, I said it was time to get out but the freshly washed one objected - his brother had let him go first and he was determined that they shouldn't get out until his brother had a turn also! For all the frustrations, there's so much more love.

A glorious story, well told.

Nice.

I love your blogs, but this one killed me. I feel like this everyday when I stay at home. Just when I am about to pop open the bottle and chug for my life... the kids pull something like this out. Perfectly written. Thanks

Oh you bastard! I never even saw that coming, and now I'm a big mushy mess.

Thanks for reminding me to appreciate the little monkeys. It's hard to remember to stop and smell the roses when you're up to your eyeballs in crap (sometimes literally!). Both me and the hubby gave the girls some extra kisses tonight.

Sniff. Sniff. Sniff.

So, when does your book come out?

Sniff...

You made me cry with such a sweet post. Three cheers for DGM.

Isn't it nice when they actually get along?

You have such a lightness of touch with your writing. Loved it. Am new to your blog and don't whore myself out to just any blog.

Ms R

Danny, because I am on the east coast, I read these a day late,
No fair making me get all weepy before work.

You Rock !

They can truly amaze you at times can't they?

Beatiful, Danny!

Hot Wife: You didn't look bad at all without the dinner notation since you had spent ALL DAY with McWhineypants and Snottybottom.

Dam got me all teary eyed!!! I hate (read: love) when you do that.

So yea when IS the book coming out?????

Awesome post, very inspiring.

Why were you eating PB&J when Hot Wife made a perfectly hot meal for you? Oh yeah, and that was a sweet post.

I love those magical moments. Mine are little, but it still does that to me when the older one shares her cake with her little sister w/o asking....

I would have commented on this much sooner, but I was wiping poop off the back of my laptop because I was trying to work while watching all four of my monsters, and turned my head for a minute to answer an email when the baby decided to check if he was actually poopy. The result was affirmative and he had to get the nastiness off his finger. How do we SAHD's do it while having a full time job? We don't.

ahhhh.....i love it when the kids help each other out. I have so many memories of my 2 older daughters when they little doing the sweetest things for each other. When ever they get pissy with each other now I break out the pictures of the two of them holding hands and playing dress up together....gets them every time.

And this is why I want to have another sprat to go with the sweet boy I already have.

I love your blog every day but this is just... marvellous. A beautiful story and told so well.

BASTARD! I'm crying and it's not even 6:30 in the morning. Did you cry, too?

I wish I could occasionally eavesdrop on similar interactions between my four teenagers. Mostly they just call each other 'retard' and 'stupid', though. Sigh. Yesterday my dad's brother--his only remaining sibling--passed away. I told the kids, hoping it would make an impression on them. 'Imagine that,' I said. 'One day there will only be one of YOU left.' There was silence for a moment as they considered the implications... followed by snarls and insults and boasts of immortality, as they fought like wolverines over which one was gonna live the longest.

Wonderful story Danny. However...

Just wait until they are teenagers.....I am currently dealing with a 16 year old step daughter whose sole mission in life is to find a boyfriend RIGHT NOW, her father who becomes full of that white hot rage you talk about when a boy even THINKS about calling her and a 12 year old stepson who takes great glee in tormenting/teasing his big sister and breathing. He drives her nuts. But, I do know what you mean. We have heard them giggling and laughing together when they do dishes and it is a nice break from the yelling!

OMG, I almost cried at that one!

I so wish my son had a sibling to grow up with.

Great writing!

I come to your blog for a good laugh or 'aww, how sweet.' I enjoy them all. I'm amazed how you can take everyday life and make it so much more interesting to look at.
Also, because I don't get a chance to read blogs I read some archives. The health care issue, USA may have better health care than some countries. That doesn't mean it aint broke. We definetly need to do something to change the insurance company situation. Insurance companies do not put people first unless it's a share holder. If someone has good insurance and/or have minor health issues insurance isn't an issue. We went from $5 copays and no issues to $50 copays and hours of appealing when my son had cancer. Canada, Cuba and other countries may have some issues with their care but if we truly are the 'most powerful, wonderful country' then why the hell is health care such a huge issue right now? Why is profit more important than patient? There is a happy healthy solution, it doesn't have to be the American plan or the 'Canada' plan. We can reinvent or revamp the way we do things.
Anyway, enjoy your blog. Agree with your opinion. Thanks!!

You write so beautifully about fatherhood. This should be a book!

Yup they can sometimes do that... Mine are opposite though... My daughter is older then my son... and she loves to help him...I walked in on a scene similar with her washing his back with soap and he was enjoying it...I felt like you did..how does it get any better then that??? and about 15 seconds after that though...Gavin runs out screaming that "emmy touched my DINKY!!!!"...ROFL... she was washing his WHOLE body...I should mention that she is 5 and he is almost 3...so she was just trying to HELP him...he was sooooo offended...and as I had the conversation of 'no one touches anyone elses private parts' I though...YUP this is the life... Always reminding me why life just couldn't be better...ROFL..

Great post as always DGM! (And hw cracks me up too!!)

Julie

This blew me away - great post.

You are my favorite brother in the whole wide world.

Awww. Well said, Danny.

If I weren't already drunk, I'd be crying. But it's welling up inside. See, the kids are at their dad's tonight, so I got a pizza and wine and was TOTALLY enjoying this time to myself and then I read this post and am suddenly DYING to touch my children.

I love "catching" them being sweet to one another. This morning? Dylan was stroking Daphne's arm during snuggle time and she assumed it was me and this time instead of beaning him when she figured it out, she hugged him.

And my heart grew three sizes that day.

i love that about them too, dawg. awesome.

Real Men Cry Outside Of Bathrooms.

Stop it! You're making me all weepy! Ack, I need to go snuggle my own babies now. Thank you for the reminder of just how awesome kids can be even if they drive us totally nuts sometimes.

here is another ridiculous story of terrible parenting. this kind of tragedy has been happenng far too often recently! check it out and let me know what you think: http://www.mypetpeeves.com/plog/index.php/archives/2498

Oh brother. You're trolling for fawning housewives. Don't your buddies read this blog. I hope at least one of them is merciless.

Cute mind picture, though.

Oh, and @Sam, 8:06 am. Would you quit promoting your blog in Dan's comments please?

Proof right there that you and Hot Wife are great parents. Otherwise, where would he have learned such compassion and gentleness?

Just for the record, we stay-at-home parents do it with the grace of God, a smidgen of sanity and a lot of vodka.

Beautiful post. Thanks for sharing.

Fool! Always, always negotiate. And another tip, when the wife calls you telling you she will be a little later, rachet up the "bonus".

This is what separates us from animals... the reason why we don't eat our young.

I'm just catching up from vacation. This was beautiful. Real and beautiful. It is those moments that make it all worthwhile.

Congratulations. You're Post of the Week!

As well as being a tremendous achievement, this also means that you are cordially invited to join the judging panel for next week's shortlist.

Drop me a line if you're interested!

Well done and richly deserved.

ST

So they're not always smearing crap on the walls and swallowing small foreign bodies when things go quiet!

Absolutely loved this. Congrats on POTW.

I love this post. You brought a tear to my eye. I have four kids and can SO relate to what you say. I am not a stay at home mom but I have two full time jobs..one at work and one at home. I am busy. I don't know how stay at home moms do it. It's a hard thankless job. The just rewards are witnessed in your posts. My 4 year old daughter and 18 month old son were terrorizing each other. When I didn't hear them I ran to the bedroom to find them in bed together under the covers heads touching watching tv. They were holding hands. I, too, got a lump in my throat. Kids are the best.

<-- what they all said. Kids, eh?

Wow. My boys are 8 years apart and when the oldest was around 9, he'd get into the bathtub with the little one taking water guns, etc. because my little one was scared of the water. Of course, he did it when I was a single parent and had had a long day at work and couldn't deal with the screaming bathtime.

Every once in a while they just get you, don't they?

very nice post. i welled up, but didn't spill over. thinking about my older daughter holding the baby in the tub for me last night...trying to help, but not really paying attention. she was very good about keeping the baby's elbow out of the water, not so much the baby's mouth...

dude. You are spying on me and my kids when my wife splits for a night of Bingo/Movies/Girls Night Out/Bunco/Pampered Chef/Tupperware/Partylite/Knitting class aren't you? Seriously, where did you conceal the webcams? They gotta be there... somewhere....

First time reader... will likely return. I will let all dads I know, know about this.

Oh argh and wow and fantastic. You have been fave'd.

http://theartfulflower.blogspot.com/

Congrats on the perfect post award. I just found you through that and will definitely be back!

Wow.

Lost for words.

Dude;

Here's what stay at home parents are driven to:

http://deathbykids.blogspot.com/2007/09/water-pik-netti-pot-listerine-dont-try.html

Thank you this was just a joy to read.

That was beautiful. Thank you.

Great story ..... if I had a dollar for every time Asher, recently four, had changed my day from something other than great to ..... great, I guess, then I'd have ..... I don't know, about fifteen hundred bucks, I suppose.

Nice job.

Awwww, so sweet, I see this too in my little ones. You are a good man.

As a stay at home mom, I feel the frustrations you described everyday 24/7, when I peal off in my minivan for a night of bad kareoke or a homeschool meeting or just sitting in a borders comfy chair reading a book I already own and brought with me, I wish my husband would do the things you do and not call or text every five minutes.

Aww. Made me misty eye'd.

What a wonderful, wonderful story! Some kids have the biggest hearts. My son has been known to gather lanterns and flashlights for his younger sister when a power failure is imminent. No matter how vehemently I express it, I'm afraid they couldn't possibly grasp the infinite depth of my emotions for them.

Love your writing.

i love this. it sounds just like my house. kids are so full of surprises.

Fantastic post Danny. Kids are always surprising you when you least expect it, aren't they?

AWWW, That is the reason we become parents!!

Man, I was gonna give you a piece of my mind for describing your kids' whining and that, but loved you in the end. We all have it tough coming home to still somehow energized little bunnies who've been impatiently waiting for us all day, while we've been waiting for some quiet time. It's great you remember your love for your kids even on those days.

I've linked my name above with my own story called "While you were sleeping" about loving my kids. I hope you enjoy!

A smart man would have run for his life. A man with even a shred of inclination toward self-preservation would have negotiated some sort of mutual understanding with his wife – an agreement that a personally offensive requirement such as this would need to be properly “appreciated” upon her return. But I am neither smart nor a particularly strong negotiator. I silently acquiesced because for some stupid reason I still feel an obligation to be a father – even in times when all I want is a beer and the remote control – because I just can’t get past the fact that I love those kids with the white hot fury of 7,000 suns. And lemme tell you, it’s a real inconvenience sometimes.

You retard, you're their father. Taking care of your kids *is* an obligation. You don't get points for not being an asshole.

Hi!
I've been a stay at home for three years and let me tell you...I have been driven bat-shit crazy. Thanks though, for giving me a little "in his shoes" I'll be extra nice to the Man when he comes home tonight.

Thanks for that. Being a stay at home dad (thanks to the economy) I can greatly appreciate all the annoyances that children pose to their parents with the interactions they have with each other. Both my son and daughter have a knack of getting each other in trouble and yelled at, but every now and then when I don't think I can take anymore of their behavior, they do something so radical like my oldest teacher her younger brother how do color in the lines or use a spoon the right way. Good to know that the working parents can find the same pleasure at times. :D